I’ve begun work on my new game The Queen’s Pawn. In it, you play as princess of a defeated kingdom. The Kindgom of Eudoria. Which has lost more than half of its soldiers from battling the Athiri. As a result, you are married off to their King as part of your surrender. This story starts off on your wedding night, and all though all seems lost. Your grandmother, the queen dowager seems to think otherwise and continues to plot from behind the scenes…believing that you will be capable of fulfilling her ambitions.
I like the game’s concept of playing as a princess in a foreign court. The Queen’s Pawn seems like it has a lot of potential with how the PC will have to balance her own interests with that of her grandmother’s.
A few suggestions I have would be to allow the “Merciful” and “Merciless” paths to emerge organically instead of being decided so early in the story. I would also fix some of the grammatical issues in the game:
You watch men dressed as women, and women as men; play fight as if continuing the tourney. The smack each other, with wornout scabbards
The semicolon shouldn’t be used here since it’s used to separate independent clauses. The comma can also be removed since it isn’t serving any purpose.
“We need more excitement for Princess {name}!!!” A large boned women, yells as she walks towards the parapet with a whip in her hand.
I would also fix the code here.
Overall, it’s an interesting premise and I’m looking forward to its growth.
I really like the concept, and I’m definitely curious to see how this project will shape up. For now, take a heart!
+1 on maybe locking the merciful / merciless path later on, even though I get that it makes it easier to make the split early on from a writing perspective.
hey! just read through this first chapter and figured i might as well point out some grammar mistakes/typos/wtv:
Summary
Satisfied with look in his eyes, you dismissive him with a head nod before returning to your seat again.
“dismissive” should be “dismiss” here
“We need more excitement for Princess {name}!!!” A large boned women, yells as she walks towards the parapet with a whip in her hand.
aside from the “{name}” part, “women” should also be “woman” here considering it’s one singular person
“You used like this, when you were a child.” She lowers her freehand and squeezes your fingers, with the one already in your grasp.
should be “to like this” with a to. also in this context, it’s “free hand” as opposed to “freehand” (which refers to drawing)
If your father wanted to attack, he would have done so without warning…thinking to yourself, you wonder to yourself whether your grandmother would have allowed that to happen before guarenteeing your safety.
one of the “to yourself” should probably be removed so it’s not so repetitive. also it’s spelled “guarAnteeing*”*
i also recommend checking carefully the spots in which you place commas, because a lot of them are incorrectly used. i.e:
The lion that Cravin, knicked rushes past them as they scatter.
He issues out commands to assist the spectators who fell from their raised benches, during the panic.
A thunderous ruckus continues outside of the tent, as you slip off your heavy elaborate dress, for the light undergarments that were hidden underneath it. You stare at the bronze mirror, that reflects your slim body.
“Lady Amala, said you requested me your highness.”
anyways, i do think this wip has a lot of potential (and i always like games with royalty in which you can romance your guard lmao) so i’ll be looking forward to updates!
And I am definitely book-marking this for reference. Will also keep the paths hidden because I think I saw someone else mention a similar sentiment as well.
And my heart goes out to my highschool teachers, they seriously tried their best. Mrs. Lightley , Mr. Hough . So it’s not on them.
I think the update will come sometime late next month. So if you don’t mind, once done I will forward you the sentences I edited for feedback.
The Queen’s Pawn
City Girl
first.
