My own special mixture of paranormal romance story and otome game (with just a bit of my weird sense of humor), this game obviously isn’t going to appeal to everyone. Be aware.
I scratched this together in November for NaNoWriMo from an old visual novel outline of mine, so it’s not a lengthy or complex game. Most of First Ed. is setting up the main character and establishing the beginnings of relationships.
Speaking of the main character, this game is gender-locked. The main character also has more of an established personality than is common in most ChoiceScript games. There’s a storyline purpose for this and her personality will become more malleable with certain player choices as the series goes on (that’s the plan, anyway).
Currently, I’m working on expanding a few choices and adding branches, so I’ve only got the first bits that I’ve already expanded and (somewhat) edited up. The rest is undergoing heavy construction and will be up as I get to it. I don’t plan on making any major changes, but I am looking for a few more sets of eyes to spot skipped words, continuity errors, formatting issues, wrong words being used, sentences that don’t make sense, etc.
It was fun so far. I probably spent way too much time trying to pick out the right name (I never knew Quinn was a short name.)
Found an apostrophe error - The doorbell interrupts you, making it’s full reverberating comeback
Right after I picked her name.
At the beginning - I’m wondering why her parents would ship her off with her brother… And why she doesn’t seem to know where anything is at first. Presumably her brother would tell her something about the layout before making her unpack? And why didn’t she knock on the door she thought was locked? And how did her brother get to be her legal guardian, isn’t she over 16, and aren’t her parents still alive anyways?
Found a possible error ““He always been that bossy?” Kett questions you.”
We’re moving Kiel’s crates inside, I think that should be Kiel (because I haven’t met a Kett). Umm maybe not an error - Reese tells Mephier and Kett to watch you on the next page. Who is Kett? The delivery guy?
Urgh. I’m never going to get that its/it’s thing straight. I’ll get those fixed in the next version as I’m sure there are more.
I actually have no idea how legal guardianship of a minor works in most of the US. In my state, anyone under 18 is considered a minor and it’s perfectly acceptable for a parent to sign over guardianship to another relative. :-?
When trying to get a game written in 30 days, logic isnt exactly at the forefront of your brain. Some details may be unrealistic. Heck, most of this game was designed to be unrealistic. I’m honestly not too worried about it unless it’s something truly game shattering.
But, if I have some brilliant moment of editing genius, those little logic issues will be addressed.
And “Kett” is the default name for the dog before I decided to make that customizable. I thought I replaced those all, but I’ll have to do another sweep it seems.
@Smeet
Hey, I accidently got one right! That’s something like progress.
I’m pretty sure whatever age is considered a minor varies by state. I don’t have the town of Appleton set in any specific state, so there’s no real right or wrong answer to that. But the whys of the matter will be addressed. It’s not just the random unfairness of teenage life.
Gale would be the PC’s father. Should there be more clarification on that? I don’t think he’s mentioned very often at this point in the game.
@Redgrave
But other possessive nouns in English use “____'s”. Why can’t “it” fit that pattern? :((
@CS_Closet Im really angry with your portrait about woman teeneager. I have seen machism portraits less offensive that this . I was wating for the poster Look this girl this is way women couldnt deserve vote rights.
At first i believe i was a 3 years old girl due all the stupid text my brother dont let me open door movement. then i dont know how open a door or the numbers so i have a option ask bro how open the door because im too dumb to do it.
If you are trying portrait a mental handicap girl still being offensive i know cases because one uncle of my father has a severe one and a brain paralise he is member of ONCE and with help has a independient life and certain is really more inteligent than this thing .
I demand a guy equal disturbingly stupid because the gender locker shouts no men is so stupid machism leme. Really ,im angry right now this is certain a positive feminine point of view. SARCASM
@CS_Closet I know! English can be so weird at times! I’m lucky in that I’m English, but parts of it still baffle me- particularly all the exceptions to all of the rules.
@CJW
I’ll have none of that sparkling, bunny drinking nonsense. You may play safely without that particular horror.
@MaraJade
No offense was intended. The PC would have started off being cripplingly overprotected regardless of gender. It’s a product of the environment rather than of the person. The PC could be a 600 lb gorilla and they’d still be treated the same way.
Oh man, this was so much fun. I loved the different responses, they really gave the PC some personality. I liked having the options to do stupid shit, rebellious teen protagonist for the win~
This supernatural sink setting is always interesting to play in, and it’s great to have such a varied cast, especially my long suffering, overprotective brother, haha. This is looking very promising.
You better not let this thing die, I would never forgive you if you separate me from my precious dog! (this gave me Persona 3 flashbacks)
Crippingly overprotected sure , and casualment is a girl not a boy. You could be protected as a diamond and know how to open a door. There is zero choices of personality, you has to be stupid with the mentality of a fish im really surprised she remember her own name . I understand character with a solid background and personality i love vendetta ganster sabres of infinity and slammed.
But there are also free space to recreate a own version. Your character is plain and all options lead to the same stupid fish girl if there would a option of a barely normal 17 years old girl you know who knows open doors talk with normally, And Know if a rotten soda is edible or not. Or even flirt with the man to anoying his brother …This Emma girl could be a funny mode.
nope we have a 3 years old lolita similar to hentai idea of women pretty and brainless, the only choice. I hope you add other option more positive with women , or she could learn in the story with the option , learn how open doors with Sesame street, She was in highschool or homeschool?
I dont know maybe she was raped and submited sexual torture like cleveland girls? and their brother is caring her to turning to normal, that could be a great explanation to her mental state.
By the way you writting is good, hope you allow more realistic choices
Just played this game and wow, it is awesome! My favourite character has to be the dog, and if I had to pick a favourite part I’d pick the bit where I told the PC’s brother that I wanted room number 3, then he pointed out that that was the toilet- serves me right for not paying attention, I suppose :))
I really, really don’t see how the MC is a Lolita, or sexualities at all! She can be a bit naive, if you choose those options, but being trusting or careless does not make you brainless.
Some of the choices are a bit silly, but it’s intentional, everyone goof around sometime, it’s fun.
I for one would totally do stupid thing at that age to stick it to my siblings. Annoying your family by doing what they think you are not old enough to do is practically a teenager duty.
Plus, I regularly crash into doors because I did not apply enough force to open them all the way, so that was plenty realistic to me, heh.
I guess I just see the MC completely different than you, or maybe I had different experiences with teens.
@MaraJade Did we read the same thing?? The old door was (apparently) jammed shut and you (a typical 17-year-old girl, not a female Russian power-lifter!) have the option of either yanking at it with all your might or going to find someone who is physically stronger to open it for you… How is this demeaning, or even in any way unrealistic? I’m sorry, but I really do think you’re waaaay overreacting here.
@CS_Closet I thoroughly enjoyed that – very, very few games have ever managed to make me chuckle out loud. I found the rebellious and ever-so-slightly-ditzy MC to be charmingly endearing, with just enough personality of her own to drive the story and allow me to identify with her (which, being a middle-aged man, I would otherwise have trouble doing!). Nicely written throughout, very witty, and brilliantly named. A really promising one, this. Looking forward to more.
Ah , ok i understand the door was normally closed and you just dont know how open the door. Well i just think the girl didnt know how open a door.
And yeah i never knew a teen so stupid , but maybe is me . So i would no participate in this post more if my opinion is not wellcome . I found irritant the otome gender for follow rule The girl has to be stupid and a sexual object normaly end in bed with a guy just try raped her hidps brother who mental abuse her. I just today download one that start similar to this and follow a rape intent by her boyfriend and a cohercion by his brother ending in forced kiss and supposedly is a game about choose your love … im sick about this type of women is stupid i just want try read something funny in the hospital. sorry @CS_Closet i turn my anger to the wrong. game
The funny think is all escept writter and me are men. I would like see your aptitude if the gender were masculinel
