Hikayat: Of Black Eye. Updated 7 August 2017

~~ Summary ~~
You’re nobody. You’re no one. Yet, why are you here?

Play as a “normal” person in Valena, a world where you’ve never been before.
At here, the nations are in a “race of technology”, the race for the buried knowledge of an old race, the Ancient. Thus, the coldwar is inevitable.

How you make your choice will influence this technology race.
Which nation(s) will you help? How do you want to help? Why would you want to help?

Do all that while helping the monarchs solving their personal issues, handling a rebellion, finding a legendary treasure, looking for a lifetime partner (or not at all).

And finally, face the darkest truth of the world Valena and the vanishing of the Ancient.

Planned Story Plots/Arcs
  1. Get yourself “teleported” onto the new world, and be greeted by different NPC depending on your choice.
  2. Travel to an overseas colony and be greeted by the royal monarch (or not) :smiling_imp:
  3. Explore your first ruin a la 'ol CYOA (Lone Wolf Saga pops up first in mind)
  4. Travel deep into the jungle and face its natives and monsters.

And more coming soon! :thinking:


~~ Setting of the story ~~
Black Eye is an action-adventure story with a deep social-interaction mechanics.
Reviving the ol’ school CYOA, but with a meaningful human-to-human interactions.
You won’t be just searching ruins for artifacts, but also make friends and foes.
“Oh, I found the McGuffin! Now, who should I give it to?”

The setting will take place on a half-part of a fantasy earth, Valena.
Here, both magic and technology co-exist. So, expect construction laborer performing geomancy, or crystal-powered steam engine, or lighting your cigar by flicking your finger.

But wait! The world is not that advanced yet! The age is still somewhat similar to our real-world medieval times. No sophisticated hovercraft or plasma gun. Heck, even a walkie-talkie is already such a discovery!
But plastics and glasses are somewhat common, tho :thinking:

And then, there’s your typical Ancient folk who left these ruins that you must explore. Heck, what is an action-adventure story without the Precursor and their ruins of wonders? Get those McGuffins!

Other than that, try to keep your fingers away from the international affairs. The nations of Valena are not fond of each others presence. The archaeological research is for peace, they said, but who knows?
Or just break into those sites and get the McGuffins for yourself anyway.
Maybe you can talk your way out against these nations and make them beg you? :smiling_imp:


/// Planned Features ///

  • Meaningful character progression. Social stats? :heavy_check_mark: Combat stats? :heavy_check_mark: Personality? :heavy_check_mark:
  • Land and sea to explore. Sky? I don’t know, but anything can happen. If the demand is high enough, and I can weave some good lore to it, why not?
  • People of various ethnicity and races. Yes, you’ll begin in medieval europe-ish empire, but expect “jungle tribes” and mid-east-ish desert nations. Share your thoughts and ideas!
  • This game is all about breaking the 4th wall. Prepare your body.

/// Links ///
Playtest https://dashingdon.com/go/1718
Extro-Intro thread (for those who are interested on it)

/// Notes ///

  • Questions? Discussions? Just ask!
  • If there’re any comments about technical errors (bugs, errors, typos), I’ll give a like to the comment when it’s fixed. Updating it may take some time, tho.
  • Feel free to PM me.
  • 30k words under 2 chapters (+prologue).
  • Map! Really just a basic map, but looks nice, tho.

Warning: may contain these contents

Here: Tobacco reference, sexual innuendo, violence, profanity and mild swearing.
And graphical depictions of your buttock being injected with a syringe.

Not yet here: Alcohol reference.


Update History

7 August '17 M-Magic? update and title change
22 July '17 Choose Your Shape
24 June '17 The Unexpected post-update polishment + small addition to the infirmary
21 June '17 The Unexpected update + [Gender] quickfix
15 May '17 Reworked intro + Character generation section
February '17 Playtest release

46 Likes

Time to get nit picky with grammar.

swords, guns, and magic clashes against each other

“clashes” should be “clashing”

Or perhaps, did you intrigued by the dark mystery of the Valena itself?

er. “Do you find yourself intrigued by…” would be a better way to word that question.

Where does these glowing things came from?

“Where do these glowing things come from?”

when you speak the word loud…

I feel like it would be better worded as “when you speak these words aloud…”

EDIT: These were all on the first page of the intro

Otherwise, I love the setting. You’ve got me hooked. Your writing style is distinct and I love it.
I’ll be sure to keep posting suggestions as I play~

2 Likes

I’m leaving soon, so I’ll share what I have.

There’s a bunch of grammar mistakes that’ll be solved if you get someone fluent in English do read it over.
A suggestion would be to detail more of the environment. Your room in the ship for example. Is it dark and murky? Is light overflowing in your room? The room is wooden, but what else is there other than your bed? You spoke about the light from the window during a choice. Maybe you can expand on that before the choice.
Detail also gives the player a better picture in their heads, so that’ll be good.

The old tale of Valena

This is one part that confuses me. So Valena is the name of the world. Is it also the name of its inhabitants?

Also the arrow part. That confused me. Were you just imagining an arrow or were you actually creating an arrow?

I have some other nitty gritty things. If you want, I’ll PM you some time. Otherwise, you’re doing good work for your first serious story! It’s interesting and I can’t wait to come back and finish this beta/demo.

1 Like

This is probably the second WIP I decide to have a go at fixing any grammar mistakes and correcting sentence structures… only to give up halfway through because of how silly it is. I’m not a professional editor, hell, english ain’t even my first language. Whenever I copy-paste the game unto a .doc file and start working on it it feels like I’m pushing my version unto the author, that I’m adulterating their work. “What if they’re going for a special dialect?” “What if its on purpose?”. I don’t even want a compensation, I just want to help but… insecurities…v.v

4 Likes

I like to think that I’m making suggestions for the author. I’m sure the author has something in mind, but if I can make it a bit better without changing their vision, I’ll try and do that. Don’t feel bad about trying to make something better.

2 Likes

Is there any romance

Okay, so I copy and pasted this next part out of the story…“If you heard that unicorn is a legend, narwhale is real. And instead of horse, it’s whale. And instead of grass, it’s meat, unfortunately” Soooooo what the heck does this mean, I’m very, very lost. This is when you are talking to the captain at the beginning of the game. There are also other times when you are talking to the captain and it just doesn’t make sense. That’s as far as I’ve gotten in your story so far.

1 Like

I’m glad that ppl finally point it out.
Yes, I have to admit that I fell there’s something slightly “off” whenever I read some part of it, but I can’t tell why is it. I definitely should take a look back at some parts. :eyes:

And to clarify things, this is my first attempt at writing. Thus I chose to use slightly “childish” language so I can push the story first, at least. :upside_down:

No worries! Just tell me. I’m sure I can find a way to make a use of it somehow.


The listed major NPCs should be able to be romanced, regardless of your gender. However, nothing is set in stone yet. Even I’m yet to write any romance scenes :cry:

1 Like

Found an error with a choice.

1 Like

Other than that little error I found earlier, I’ve finished the rest of the paths. It’s a nice playthrough. Though my main suggestion would be detail. You’ve done a good job in a few parts: the intro with the setting, the narwhals and the bar scene wasn’t too bad. Personally, it’d be much easier to picture the scene in my head if there were a bit more details, but that’s just me. Though, there’s also the point to where it may become too wordy. Well, just try and experiment.
I’m excited to find out what happens when we hit land! Can’t wait~ :smiley:

1 Like

Hi there! I think the concept for the game is very interesting, but a couple of things didn’t make sense to me when reading the demo. For instance:

… But you just assured me that I did want to. I’m confused! :confused:


Ah, nonono. To be serious, you're dreaming. And in your dream, you're listening to an old-man (narrator?) while worldbuilding the universe.
If he told you the life of The Ancient, you _might_ want to live with them. But then, there's this truth about them...
:no_mouth:

Or, do you think that "assuring" part is a bit too rushed? Since asking your name after that felt a little bit off to me.
1 Like

I really enjoyed this! The spelling is pretty spot on from what I could see, it’s just the tenses and grammar that could do with having someone look over it (which I would have done if not for time, sorry!).

But, I liked your easy style of writing, even though it was fantasy it felt very modern and flowing.

As for what @Avery_Moore said, maybe something more like, ‘I can assure you if you could be one of them, you’d want to be… But you can’t’ ? Would that be better?

2 Likes

Nah, I just didn’t understand why the first line said I wanted to be one of The Ancient and then the second line told me that I didn’t want to. I changed my mind very quickly. :yum:

Oh, thank you @Seraphinite. Let me quote it…

Aahh… :relieved:


Yeah, actually I’m not sure how to write a fantasy story as common books are. So, I think that I’ll deal with that and write the story with “whatever I know”. And the result is the playtest that you did played :open_hands: :sparkles::sparkles:

And about the assure-assure. I… uh, I’m not sure.
The thing that’s flowing in my mind was like…

The old-man is convincing the reader of how peaceful the live of the Ancient was, to the point of Utopian world everyone’s dreaming of.
But then, he laid out the dark truth of the Ancient itself, which should be convincing enough for the readers that the Ancient is not what you’re thinking before.
It’s like creating the irony of the story.

Ah, how ironic. I’ll try to take a look at that part :dizzy::head_bandage:

1 Like

it may just be me but im stuck in a loop of either creating my character and doing the prologue or skipping it either way it sends e back to the beginning…am i missing something?

1 Like

May I ask, did you choose #Go back to my room?
If yes, well… congratulations :tada:

It’s a troll, I know. Or it isn’t?

Else, can you provide the picture of right before you went to the beginning? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

yeah i choose go back to my room i was worried that the game was bugged thanks for reassuring me

1 Like

@Szaal are you still working on this.

Yep, but I’m personally still in silent mode as I can’t edit my 1st post to reflect the changes that have been made :sweat_smile:

Either way, feel free to give in your comment guys. The new draft includes rewritten intro and halfway part of the character building.
I’ll edit the 1st post once I can do it. (Already contacted mod for that one)