Y U G E N 幽玄 [Demo - 21/09/2017] - Updated

gender-choice

#584

The “I’d very much like that.” option requires more than 2 bravery, but while viewing the code I’ve only seen one increase of bravery, that is after acting like nothing’s wrong when you’re soaked which increases it by 2 (only avaliable to female MCs). That means you’re still 1 point short no matter what.

I noticed few typos and mistakes as well, but I have to play the game again on PC and see what has been reported already by other users. Will probably do that later today.

The update content itself was very enjoyable of course. It’s one of my favorite WIPs.


#585

I hope you can change all the flirt options requirements, make the player able to choose them but like someone above me said that the outcome depends on your charm.


#586

wait…there are stats? Whenever I play the “Show Stats” screen tells me that it’s empty


#587

Same. I started my MC with the lady of the night origin and still didn’t have enough charm to flirt with the Kitsune.


#588

The stats screen is not in the game yet, but that doesn’t mean there are no stats in the game. You need to view the game’s source code to see which choices increase/decrease what stat and memorize your current stats by adding and substracting to your total of each stat (0 at the start of the game) accordingly.


#589

The Kitsune flirt option requires bravery not charm, as mentioned in my previous post. The number needed is >2 (meaning 3), but there is only one opportunity to gain bravery (for female characters, 2 points), making that option grey no matter what.


#590

See the kitsune is so mischievous that the slipped the bounds of the story and fiddled with to code to mess with us.


#591

Well, we can’t have that now, can we? Seems like they need a little bit of ye olde exorcism to put them back in line. :innocent:


#592

I was supposed to go over the mistakes I found yesterday, but alas I was too tired. Managed to do it today though. I’m sorry if any of those were already reported, but the thread proved too big for me to go through it and see if something was reported already :confused:

Mother nodded, her eyes were asking me quicken my pace.

Should be “asking me to quicken my pace” I think.

“Stay strong. Be kind, be humble, be honest. Do things you like, be who you want to be”

Full stop at the end is missing.

I had an hour-glass figure that had gotten me many unwanted attention.

I’m not sure if it’s wrong per se (not a native speaker), but wouldn’t “a lot of unwanted attention” be better?

After 15years, I was finally allowed to leave these walls.

Space between 15 and years is missing. I think it’d be better to write numbers fully (fifteen etc.) overall. That’s what the writing norm is afaik and it looks nicer.

I was suppose to be a normal, bland, plain, everyday girl.

Supposed*

She somehow snuck on board, I wasn’t even surprised.

Should be on-board.

There weren’t much passengers on the transport.

Should be many instead of much I think.

There weren’t any extra blankets but he didn’t seemed to mind. He knelt.

Didn’t seem*

“Aw, poor Samurai-chan, are you going to just let him sleep on the cold hard ground?”

Comma after cold (cold, hard ground).

Isamu fell asleep almost instantly. His breathing became slower and heavier. “Woah, he must be a heavy sleeper!” Haruka commented before, she tucked herself into my futon and snuggled into the blankets. “Goodnight, Katsumi.” We arrived in Okushina port in the afternoon. […]

The bold sentence should be the start of a new paragraph.

I’ve never felt so relax, I don’t think I was ever allowed such luxury in the palace.

Relaxed*

“Why didn’t you do something 15years ago?”

See few quotes above.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make the trip more comfortable for you.” Daisetsu bowed apologetically; I didn;t understand why he was apologizing, these travel factors were out of his control, it wasn’t as if he would shorten the trip or so on.

Should be “didn’t”.

“Good thing Dai-chan remember there was a shack here.”

Remembered*

My wet clothes had my chest expose, the fabric stuck closely to every nook and cranny.

Exposed*

A little part of me envied them for their ability to push pass human emotions.

Should be “push past” I think.

Even in the hallway, the strong smell of disinfectant, Opium and … blood was present in the air.

There’s a redundant space here.

“Katsumi, look outside!.”

Redundant full stop at the end.

I was pulled towards the kitsune when she grasp me once more, this time by my chin.

Grasped*

That’s all I catched in my playthrough. Can’t wait for the next update, this WIP is probably my favorite one at the moment.


#594

First off, lemme start with saying that I REALLY enjoyed playing this. I like your artwork that’s peppered throughout the demo, it’s good and bright and helped this game stand out against others. It also encouraged me to replay a bunch, cause I wanted to see the different designs you made, which also made me try out different choices! It was fun!
I also really like all the characters: Haruki, Isamu, and all the different yokais. You did your research, and going that extra mile is something I personally really appreciate!
Also, I really hope I don’t come across as rude suggesting these. I really like your story (I’m a sucker for worldbuilding) and I try to give objective advice from what I know from teaching grammar. If I crossed a line, please let me know because offending or belittling you is the last thing I wanna do.

(The following is more a personal opinion, and in no way has to be followed, I’m sorry.)

The fresh blood drip and drip from his fangs, seconds went by. It’s form started to fade, vanishing from existence.
I wasn’t paying any attention to any of the Black Okami.

This scene takes place just after the Protagonist meets the Black Okami for the first time, and the first time I read it I got a little confused. There was a lot of buildup of this Yokai killing one of the samurai and the mysterious voice whispering advice, and it’s over in one sentence. THIS ISN’T A BAD THING, BECAUSE IT HELPS ILLUSTRATE THE KIND OF POWER THE PROTAGONIST HAS.
What is a problem though is that there’s very little time for the reader to breath or absorb what just happened before it moves onto the Black Okami. If the Protagonist stumbled or blinked or looked around, and maybe felt proud for stopping the monster and THEN everyone starts freaking out, I think that would make for better pacing.

“That kid’s eyes were glowing golden.” Another one stated.

You can delete the bolded bit. The reader will be able to guess that it’s the samurais talking amongst them and not the Protagonist or their Mother. Deleting this keeps the pace quick and in the moment, which is what you want in this big turning point.

“We found this one in the town northeast. I’m very certain she processes the power.”

Possesses

“You can hear me!” He beamed. “Remember me?” The wooden door slide opened, the cutest little raccoon peaked it’s head into my room.

Haruki hasn’t entered the room yet, so there’s no way to know that he’s beaming. I also think the wooden door bit should be part of the next paragraph, but that’s more a personal preference than a hard and fast rule.

My eyes widen in realization, it was him, he warned me about the danger.

I think you can delete “in realization”. You can also make everything after “…it was him…” a new sentence, but you don’t have to!

Life in the castle wasn’t as easy as I thought. I was expecting servants of all sort, tending to my every need.

tbh, this bit bothered me a little. I think it’s because I was expecting a “but” after the second sentence to contradict what the Protagonist expected life in the palace to be like, but we never got that. Instead the next sentence went straight into what they were being taught. It felt disjointed.
This whole scene where the Protagonist talks about the lessons they have to take could be longer, in my opinion. Either where you could emphasize how lonely it is, or how they get to meet other children (and adults!) who are like them. Or you could draw attention to how it’s a gilded cage.

Training was hard.

Kind of similar to the above, I think you could show the audience how it was hard (mentally taxing? lonely? were the samurai mean? were the servants afraid? did they meet people who knew of their powers and were envious of it?)
This is also a good place (in my opinion) to reinforce that the Protagonist is a natural and good at their studies.

If they were to success, they will gained the title, if not, it’s back to square one.

succeed. delete “will”

The charge Onmyojis were given**, were deadly**

delete the comma and change “were” to “was”
(English is a stupid language with too many rules that don’t make any sense)

I was just a kid, how could I know where did we lived.

delete “did” and make this a question

“Isamu. I hope to be of your service.” He bowed and introduced himself as Isamu.

You don’t need both of these lines, since they get appoint the same thing and don’t add anything new. Personally I’d suggest moving “he bowed” BEFORE the dialogue and delete the rest, but it’s up to you which one you keep.

I exited the hall shortly after the briefing,…

This is a definite nitpick, because your word choice is still correct but it sounds a little off. I’d suggest using “left” instead.

I would always remembered the textile that I was going to wear for my first assignment…

remember

“You should have gone with the other one.” Haruki suggested.

delete “Haruki suggested” since it’s already implied to the reader that Haruki is speaking, and we can guess by tone and what you’ve already told us (that he disapproved of the Protagonist’s selection choice) that he’d suggest something else.
It’s a nitpick, but it keeps the pace moving forward.

Turns out the raccoon that saved my life had a name. Haruki happened to be a Tanuki.

I think this could be one sentence, actually! something like: “Turns out the raccoon, a Tanuki, had a name.” or something similar to that!

But did he listened to me? No. Of course no.

“listen” and change “no” to “not” (or maybe delete the first “No.”)

“But this looks nice!” I tried to justify my decision.

Kind of similar to what I said above, you can delete what I bolded, because the reader can infer the tone of the Protagonist. The exclamation point helps get the point across, and explaining it afterwards slows down the pacing and can pull the reader out of the story.

“You’re not like other Samurais.” I blurted out. I was suppose to be a normal, bland, plain, everyday girl. I shouldn’t be able to afford my own wagon, walking was the only to travel for now.

This feels like two different ideas fighting against each other. They make no sense together, so you might have to either rewrite it or make it two separate paragraphs. I’m sorry, but this bit just confused me a lot. I know that the Protagonist and Isamu are walking, but this wasn’t the place.

He noticed my discomfort. Isamu slowed down to match my pace, I felt slightly encouraged after his gesture.

On one hand, I liked that the MC isn’t the most physically fit person. It makes sense. But the issue I personally have is that their sore feet never come up again after this. Maybe if Isamu let them rest a bit, or if the MC mentioned it later (or even better it became an issue against the later Yokai fight) it wouldn’t bother me so much.
(This is more of a personal issue though, so take this with a grain of salt)

And what’s up with “Samurai-chan”, why is he calling Isamu with such fondness, even I didn’t get the “Hikari-chan” treatment.

(Nitpick) maybe end this with a question mark

A server knelt and bowed, much like the bows in court (…)

You can delete that! It’ll be implied you’re talking about how people bow in court compared to Okushima!

“Don’t worry, I’ll be really quick.” I reassured him.

Same as above, you can delete what’s bolded. The tone implies the MC is assuring Haruki/Haruka and keeps everything quick and tight.

He finally spend all his energy, and just wanted to take a nap.

spent

“She’s beautiful.” Isamu was enchanted. “I have to see her again!” He gripped onto my shoulders.

I think you can delete “Isamu was enchanted”

This also kinda brings up a small plot hole. We later learn that this is a Class-A yokai and is very powerful, so how was Isamu able to go back to the ryokan? I know it’s so the reader knows something is up, but I don’t think there was an in-universe justification for coming back, especially since he immediately leaves.

She stopped, taking a few sniffs of the air, she knew I was near.

You can delete this

“Now’s my turn.” The Jorogumo spewed a giant web towards me(…)

The Jorogumo and afterward should be a new paragraph since a new action is happening. It also breaks up a big paragraph, keeping the audiences attention and not intimidating them off with a huge block of text

“W-what?” Haruki was trembling. “You’ll keep her away right?” He was really scared.

Delete the bolded bit. Because he’s stuttering and trembling, we already know he’s scared and you want to keep the pace fast during an action scene.

“I won’t let her hurt us.” I was so close to becoming an Onmyoji, I wasn’t going to let anything happen to either of us.

This needs to be a new paragraph

“Make. It. Stop!!!”

One exclamation point will do. (You could add emphasis by making it bold or italicized, but all those extra exclamations can actually weaken the emotion you’re going for–in this case pain).

If by good you meant seducing her “dinner” in the middle of the night into the forest, ya, the Jorogumo seemed pretty good.

This is an internal thought by the MC, but it’s right next to Haruki/Haruka talking. It should probably be a new paragraph since it’s a new person (the MC) talking.

“No harm in trying.” Haruki shrugged.

Another nitpick, but you don’t want words (especially verbs) to be too close together. Haruki/Haruka is shrugging a lot in this scene and it comes off as repetitive.

He was a tanuki after all. He could shapeshift to anything if he wanted to.

Merge these two sentences

“He’s hurt, do you know any medics around?” I asked hopefully. It’s already past midnight, the chances of any doctors still operating were slim.
“Is he alright? Should I call a doctor?” I could hear the concern she held. It might be a good idea to have him check out by a doctor. I simply nodded in reply to her request.

This, I think, needs to be rewritten. I haven’t tried any other options at this point, but it feels like the choice I made didn’t matter since the dialogue doesn’t reflect my choice.

Our room was pretty much the same as we before we left.

I think you should delete this. If nothing’s changed, there’s no need to draw attention to it and it takes away from the urgency of the scene, which is if Isamu will be ok.

“Someone’s coming.” Haruki’s ears perked.

(Nitpick again sorry)
I think the action- Haruki’s ears perking- should come before the dialogue.

“This must be confusing for you.” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

You can delete “awkwardly” since the action of rubbing his neck already implies it (if that makes sense).

That… was a selfish reason. The truth didn’t make anything better, it made it worse. I felt sick knowing how I was used.

You can delete the middle sentence, because the MC thinking about how selfish it is and feeling sick over it shows the audience that this is worse, so there’s no need for that sentence to be there.

“Miyamoto-san, there’s a hearing currently being held. Please do wait for a moment.” The attendant informed me when he saw me approaching the main door.
A disciple in red haori exited the hall a few seconds later, she was rushing off, didn’t even said a word to me. Must had been bad news in there.
“You may enter.”

I think this could be shortened. Idk, this is a definite nitpick, but it just seems strange and doesn’t really add to anything.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I passed? I was going to be a full-fledged Onmyoji.
“Sensei, how did you know what happened?” I asked.

I think this could be extended a little bit. When I first read it, I was confused because I thought Ise had left the room and was trying to figure out if the MC had left or not. Only after a second reading did I realize she was still in the same room. I personally think it’s a little weird that they’re still having this conversation in the same room as the elder officials, who can hear what they’re saying. (or that they don’t at least act a bit miffed when Ise backhands them/realize she’s ditching her classes to be here)

Even though Haruki was a Yokai but he had supported me regardless(…)

delete either “even though” or “but” since they’re both conjunctions and doing the same thing

Many aspects of my life changed after my raise from a disciple to Onmyoji.(…)

how much time has passed? this is just something I wanna know, not a critique

Unlike what the Imperial court had thought me, I knew Yokais were capable of emotions.

taught

This osseous accumulation of rage bore a grudge against the living.

I have never heard this word before and I love it. It seems a little out of place though.

Snack hut

I had never heard of these before, and it was SO COOL to learn about!

He pointed to a wide-eyed little girl. Her eyes sparkled (…)

New paragraph

Haruki couldn’t keep his eyes off a single moment, {tanheshe} was fidgeting back and forth, sniffing the foreign scents of Uratoro.


#595

I just read this and it’s rather impressive. It’s got a lot of ties to Japanese culture without it feeling like it’s unsuccessfully trying to emulate anime tropes. I see a lot of comparisons to Inuyasha, though I didn’t really get that so much. Maybe it’s because my protagonist is a straight male character though. The fact that the tropes that are there aren’t based around another generic magic/battle school is of course a plus regardless. Like, Inuyasha could actually be a pretty interesting story if it wasn’t focused so heavily on drawing out Inuyasha and Kagome’s romance with no progress basically forever. :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m curious, if you spare the Jorogumo will she ever show up again? Life and death choices with actual consequences are so cool but so rare… Usually they seem to end up being mostly meaningless except for modifying some stat. Plus, evil sexy women are criminally underutilized in my humble opinion. Er… I mean, well they’re a really common trope, but they’re basically never developed as characters or have any kind of arc.


#596

SITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSIT

Ah the memories.

Pfft consequences this joker must think he’s in a fantasy world. :blush:


#597

For a whole 5 seconds I dint remember that.
Now I am picturing the Mc asking them to have a seat in a kind tone and that having such a affect.


#598

e84792391ef797b45f053125cec7d85d


#599

Of course with all the gender swap art earlier in the thread I can’t help but be reminded of gender roles and double standards by this…


#600

I love this wip! I might draw some art for it when I have time ;v;

I’m so happy it got updated!


#601

Another update coming up~ hopefully it will be up this weekend.

Thinking of implementing the save systems this time around but I am still twerking around with the stats so we will have to see.


#602

yes yes thank you rose your are best


#603

Thank you for the update. We are looking forward to it.


#604

I drew this a while back but i also wanted to draw my MC but never got around to it, so here it is! just Kyouran by himself (tumblr link)