Being excited to share what we have is something I think most authors can relate to! I will try not to rehash what others have said, so here are some things I think can be better:
- The way customization is handled.
Personally, I find it immersion breaking to have a ‘disembodied voice’ asking me about what my name is. The sudden transition to the MC’s pov also felt abrupt. It would be better to weave it into a conversation perhaps, which can help us get to know the other characters (abd context) too.
- the sudden addition that we just broke off with our partner, and it seemed to be a good relationship threw me off.
I’m not sure if this is an important plot point, but it made me uneasy in that we are not given any more details about what happened. Was the MC at fault? What triggered the break-up? Why even break up, when the MC still seemed to love them?
If you need a reason for the MC to have a troubled mind, as what your plot seems to require, I would suggest letting players choose why we are troubled too. It can definitely help us shape our MC better as well!
- Entering Sleepville
This is a new place, the likes of which readers would not have seen before. How do you envision it to look like? What’s the vibe this place gives off? How does the MC feel, stepping into this strange setting? Describing the place and allowing us to respond to it in kind will also aid us in getting to know your story better.
In that vein, it somehow feels that the MC took finding themselves in this place a little too well. I too would like more options to question where exactly we are, without the use of rather crude words.
With that said, you do have an interesting concept. I hope to see where you’ll take us with it!