Sleepville (WIP) (Second Update hopefully to come at 10k words)

I’ve begun working on my new game Sleepville. In it, you are in, essentially, Dreamland. It fully takes place in your dreams. The whole premise is that you and the people you meet there are all there because life gives them a reason to need to flee into their dreams. Everyone you encounter has a secret and you will find out more throughout the story and more importantly, your choices.

The word count is at 1376 or so and I plan on updating frequently so as to strike while my mind is most present for it.

To play the first little piece if you’d like, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/trainofpoliteness/sleepville/mygame/

All feedback is welcome and accepted.

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I don’t want to be rude but there is no really content to give feedback on. I really think you maybe should wait to have a slice of life demo or at least something people can give you feedback on.

It will also help if you specify what level of feedback do you want.

Also if you don’t see this project as aimed for publication You should post your demo in the hobby section. Due in wip people will judge your game as aimed for public release

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Hello,

I guess I was hoping to get feedback on what’s been written so far and maybe the concept? I don’t know, it’s just my first day of trying this out and I am extremely eager. :laughing:

Thank you for the advice! As for whether I would like to eventually actually publish the story and not just have it be a hobby, that is the goal, yes. I would love for it to get published. I’m gonna keep on trying to make it as good as I can. :grinning:

I will hold off on updating in the forum until I have a decent amount written, I think.

Thanks again,
PoliteTrain

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Hi,

Congrats on publishing your demo. That in itself is a big first step.

I echo Mara in that right now it’s way too short to give good feedback that can help your story grow into what you want it to be.

I would encourage you to check out these two threads (one of which leads to a discord group):

Here you will be able to talk to other blooming authors and perhaps get some ideas for the concept of your story.

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Well, Disclaimer I am really bad in being political correct. But the intro is very rushed and the flow doesn’t flow. I don’t understand what is happening and I don’t seem to be in control of my character personality at all.

The customization is really too in your face and makes the flow worse.

I really think a dialogue between characters and npc or starting in a sad real life then enter into the dreams would be more dynamic.

But please don’t get sad for my feedback. I am sure you will be able to do a good story when you have a more complete planning.

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Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.

I might have jumped the gun a little… LOL

I’ll go back to writing and eventually set out for feedback and thank you for the links!

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Oof yeah, that’s always been my problem with writing. I rush so much lol
I need to be more detailed, for sure. I’m trying to work on that.
You’re 100% right, yeah.

And while I do like the heavy customization aspect and don’t think it’s necessarily a problem, I do agree with everything else.

The idea of immediately throwing the reader into a flashback is interesting but idk, i’ll have to think about it. :thinking:

Thank you for taking the time to help me out, it means a lot. :heart:

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Hello there! I must admit that this is my first shot at giving somewhat concise advice to someone about their writing! Feel free to disregard what I’m saying, as I do have some similar points as the others above me.

Firstly, I really do think the idea you’re aiming for is interesting. Something about getting lost in a dream world to escape your problems while simultaneously coming to enjoy yourself in it sounds like a – forgive the joke – dream come true. I think there is real promise in the idea.

As for real criticism, I won’t say it’s bad. Simply a little rushed without any strong backbone to the introduction. I feel like I’ve been thrust into it a little too quickly and don’t quite understand what the PC is getting into. In shorter terms, it’s a little rushed and without more content, I can’t really give an accurate grasp on my feelings about how the story plays out as well as how good it is as a whole.

That being said, I really do hope you keep working hard at this and enjoy yourself while writing it! I’ll certainly enjoy hanging around to see where this goes.

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I really appreciate that, thank you! I think that’s one of my problems is that I have ideas, just mediocre execution. I need to work on that, haha. Thank you for the notes, I will definitely work on what you and the others have pointed out.

Thank you again. :orange_heart:

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I get exactly what you mean with that! Ideas come so easy but when it actually comes to bringing them to life, I literally have no clue how.

Props to you for having the guts to put your work out there though! You’re gonna be great.

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II there, while the idea itself is interesting, I’m with @poison_mara as blunt as it is there’s nothing really there to give a feedback on.

It’s even shorter than what you get to see in
(Interest Check Thread). This seems too rushed and this all feels mechanical. There’s like only three characters so far and the conversation between them is literally couple sentences.

To put it simply, I can’t grasp the situation at all.

Yeah, I’m rereading what i’ve written so far and it definitely needs way more. I’m gonna work on it. Thank you for being honest with me. :heartpulse:

I appreciate having an opportunity to test a demo in the early stages even if it is only a small amount of content at first. The hair and eye options are very specific, like “red” would accommodate all shades of red hair unlike specifying “auburn red”

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I prefer more specific customization choices – if they are utilized in the game (in descriptions, and narrative exposition)

Knowing I can choose strawberry blond instead of blond as a hair color connects me deeper to my character.

ymmv.

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Being excited to share what we have is something I think most authors can relate to! I will try not to rehash what others have said, so here are some things I think can be better:

  1. The way customization is handled.

Personally, I find it immersion breaking to have a ‘disembodied voice’ asking me about what my name is. The sudden transition to the MC’s pov also felt abrupt. It would be better to weave it into a conversation perhaps, which can help us get to know the other characters (abd context) too.

  1. the sudden addition that we just broke off with our partner, and it seemed to be a good relationship threw me off.

I’m not sure if this is an important plot point, but it made me uneasy in that we are not given any more details about what happened. Was the MC at fault? What triggered the break-up? Why even break up, when the MC still seemed to love them?

If you need a reason for the MC to have a troubled mind, as what your plot seems to require, I would suggest letting players choose why we are troubled too. It can definitely help us shape our MC better as well!

  1. Entering Sleepville

This is a new place, the likes of which readers would not have seen before. How do you envision it to look like? What’s the vibe this place gives off? How does the MC feel, stepping into this strange setting? Describing the place and allowing us to respond to it in kind will also aid us in getting to know your story better.

In that vein, it somehow feels that the MC took finding themselves in this place a little too well. I too would like more options to question where exactly we are, without the use of rather crude words.

With that said, you do have an interesting concept. I hope to see where you’ll take us with it!

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I think I just like being extra with how I describe things lool
But that’s a valid point, yeah. Idk, i’ll see. :thinking:

Same here. I’m gonna be honest. I’m writing the game in the way that I would be interested in if I were the reader. My tastes might be far different from the general consensus but ultimately, I can’t write what doesn’t feel like my writing. But the rest of the stuff is super helpful and I will definitely make a solid attempt in fixing certain elements of how I write.

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This was such great advice and now i’m questioning every line i’ve written so far. Ahhhh, frick
Thank you, I think this is gonna really help. :green_heart:

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One of the most important things to remember while writing is to keep your core vision firmly in mind when writing.

Always consider any constructive feedback you get – but remember: it is your job as author and game designer to take what is given and use it in the best way you think it can help. Sometimes, if feedback does not fit your vision, you need to modify that feedback to be useful to you.

Also, there is a monthly writer’s support thread… You might want to take a look at it, it can be a useful resource.

And… one more thing (sorry for the stream of thought response) … if this project is more of a hobby project and not meant to be published, you might want to consider transferring the thread to the Hobby Project category … if this is something you decide you want to do, please contact a moderator

:slight_smile:

ok, I think I shall go back to my own writing :slight_smile:

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What I meant is a player who wants strawberry shade like whoever said that above will not be able to have that here bc here the only blond(e) option is specifically caramel. And the same for red and brown, there is only one very specific shade available for each.

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