Quantic DayDreams (WIP) R rated - Updated


#1

Update: 9/24/2015 - The ‘rough’ final draft is ready. Be warned it is very ‘rough’. The core concepts are there and I don’t want to change them, but the flow might seem off and the reading may be dry at points. So before I go into specifics:

WARNING: If you don’t like typos, or if an abundance of them would kill your reading pleasure, please wait until a more solid copy comes out. This phase is mainly for story development/typos/flow control. I promise the final draft will be a much better read.

Now that ‘that’ is out of the way. If you do end up reading it some minor caveats.

  1. No stat page yet. - I truly am the worst, I know.

  2. This is a short story with a design that you are to play it multiple times to get the full picture. It is trial and error at some parts. But since the whole thing can take you <20 min(if you rush it) to blow through I thought it would be okay. Let me know your thoughts after you finish.

  3. Kinda the same as point 2. but needs a distinction(I feel). This game has multiple ‘bad’ endings and the good ones can be hard to get on the first play through. By this I mean the characters(well there are only a few in here) all have a set agenda. It is your job to learn that agenda and use it to your advantage. But if you try to go against it you shouldn’t be surprised to not get a good outcome. (ex. John likes to pet rabbits. You are at a choice to let John pet rabbits or stop him. You try to stop him. John doesn’t listen, because he REALLY likes to pet rabbits.)

  4. Typos - please help me find and eliminate all of them. This has scaled to a threat level orange-ish/yellow. Report all occurrences of your encounters even if someone else has already reported it, and it will be taken care of. Seriously, you don’t have to bother reading to see if someone already pointed it out, you can just post what you find.

  5. After you feel you have a firm grasp of the story, please help me out with deciding on a new title, or keeping the old one. I have no idea, at this moment, of how to pick one out, but all suggestions would be appreciated.

  6. Please let me know overall what you thought about it in this ‘rough’ state. If you have a problem with something please post it and we can look into changing any part of this thing to make it better. I am open to all suggestions.

http://dashingdon.com/play/BleuSquare/jumper/mygame/

Spoilers as to how to unlock specific endings. Only read if you can’t find one or want a specific one/feel like looking at game code is cheating :stuck_out_tongue: .

I will probably be that guy and try to get creative with only hints and not exacts, because I guess I truly am that guy.
“Take it Back” ending: Rabbits love Doctors. Rabbits hate cameras. Rabbits hate games. Rabbits hate confrontations. Rabbits are good at pretending to sleep. Rabbits know when to strike. Rabbits just want to take it back.
“Loaded for Bear” ending: Rabbits love cameras. Rabbits love games. Rabbits hate doctors.
“Well, it has been 9 years…” ending: Rabbits love Doctors. Rabbits love to talk. Rabbits can learn to forgive.
“So THAT is what that is?” ending: Rabbits love cameras. Rabbits love/hate games. Rabbits love to talk. Rabbits don’t forgive. Rabbits get even. Rabbits love their hole. Rabbits have small bladders
Just trying to have some fun here, but if you don’t like this you can either cheat and look at the code, or just shoot me a message and I will detail how to do what… but come on, who doesn’t love little puzzles?

Older Post:

Quantic DayDreams is a short story project I just really wanted to do. As a heads up this is going to be shorter than most WIP’s you are used to. There are not multiple love interests. The story will focus more on interaction and choice than stats to determine outcomes. There will be multiple endings which will tie the story together and maybe bring more sense to some of the themes and problems you see in this section. Overall the story will be somewhere around a good 20-40 minute read(The huge disparity comes from a huge exposition skip… you know if you hate lore and just want to skip it, or going for multiple endings.)

This story takes place in a somewhat futuristic setting, in an undisclosed lab. It is about 3/4’s done, just missing climax and endings. I know that putting forth all this effort for no climax :wink:, may not be the best thing, but I still think it is worth it. But, I am biased.

Things I need help with:

  • general opinion of how things are. I am doing this because I wanted to try something new. I don’t think it is perfect, but I do think that with your help it can be better.
  • Typos. (This is a bag and tag operation)
  • Title. I am not too partial to this one. So if, after reading, you get struck by a way better one I will consider it.

Things to know beforehand:

  • Stats screen 404’s. I haven’t implemented it yet. Because stats aren’t a big part. There will be one, but only have a few things.
  • This is probably a PG 13 game. With some language, and a wardrobe moment. The final version might even push to an R, but only because of some implied situations. Nothing will be overly explicit. It all comes down to what the player perceives.

Try to enjoy it… or don’t

Update 8/30/2015:

Now with more hair options! Sorry bald lovers, you just have to wait until “Bald is Beautiful” dlc

Fixed typos and grammar pointed out (might have missed some that was pointed out. Sorry if I did.) No new story for this. I just felt it was imperative that I upload the cleaner version, because having that many mistakes and putting it up on here was just embarrassing to me. But, that is why I posted it, to seek help. So please continue to help if you can.

Oh and rating changed to R. If only for what comes next and what was pointed out to be more than pg 13.


Which WIP would you bring back from the dead?
#2

But, but… Cliffhangers aren’t funny! No, seriously, what is this… creature that got the MC shitting himself?


#3

And what was the flashing light


#4

I guess it is good that people care what it going on. (SCORE!)

@Jjcb the creature will be better developed in only one ending. The games ‘true’ ending (true as in if ever I decide to continue on with this that would be the ending taken, because this game is not made for carrying over saves) And only in that one, because what the creature truly is doesn’t effect the other ways the story plays out after you choose to deal with the climax. So for now the creature is what ever we imagine it to be. Until you find out what it really is.

@SheaMcD The flashing light seems more sinister than it is, possibly. I mean flashing lights are common in labs, right? They might even be common in the average household(*cough* *cough*) or… well, older households


#5

I’ve gotta ask was the doctor trying to drug you with the water and you just coincidentally poured it out then when you read the computer its gonna say he released the creature


#6

@SheaMcD I can’t reveal to much without spoiling what comes next.

But with out trying to spoil anything, you are not 100% wrong.


#7

I really like your writing style. Definitely gonna keep an eye on this.


#8

Any chance of a spinoff in the distant future where you can play as the terrifying beastie?


#9

This is… really, really creepy.
I love it.
I’m still trying to figure out whether I should be more afraid of the creature or the doctor…

Oh, and I found some typos. Here they are, in chronological order:

  • 9 years ago, if the government had told him how
    dull his life would become after the first 4 years in this containment, he
    would never have signed on to research what was deemed ‘The Next Big
    Breakthrough In Warfare’.

  • A tiny room with two doors, a small desk with a couple chairs, and a two way mirror that
    seems to split the room in half from his side.

  • At 10 the gate opens and the weapon is released, its prey soon catches wind, and like
    clockwork the door on the other side of the glass opens.

  • The mirror calls you to break it open and reveal its secrets.

  • You regain your balance and try simply bashing it, you already know the mirror’s secrets,
    so please just let it break…

  • You can feel its breath on the back of your neck. Its tongue starts to gently caress your ear…

  • Education’s way of saying, “Get out there and make something of yourself already!”

  • "Hey rabbit, I know you’re probably asleep, but I was wondering if you have given any more thought about my offer.

  • Leaving you notes on your equipment.

  • It sounds like someone is pacing around in the hall outside.

  • Mostly he keeps it contained to his room, but on days like this, feeding days, there is
    more energy about him.

  • The gel does its job, but stains every bit of clothing it finds.

  • If only you were allowed to know more about the creature.

  • Now you let your partner in science deal with all things clone related.

  • It can only breathe on its own.

  • “After all its years here, I think it has become bored of this. It knows the prey can’t escape. It merely hunts to fill a need.”

  • Right now, you’re too on edge and might jump to conclusions or say things you don’t mean.

There are lots of pronoun shifts when the MC goes back to their room and starts examining stuff. All of a sudden you start using “I” and “we” instead of “you”. I didn’t want to copy-paste them all.


#10

ayyy, great to see you working on that short story! i think it’s really good. solid tone and premise (although it could definitely be pushed further), a nice amount of fantastic lines, all that good stuff. but i do have a fair few observations to mark down (although @KP_Paul beat me to the punch for several of the grammatical errors) after one playthrough. i hope i haven’t come off too harshly here, i’m not trying to. i hope this is helpful for you! c: i’ll make a post a little later to talk more about the game itself, but for now, here we go!

White tile floor, white tile walls, white tile ceiling… Yea, he remembers where he is.

yea should be either yes or yeah–i personally think yes sounds better.

But, for now, that side of the room sits empty. But, for how much longer?

remove the first ‘but’, and get rid of the comma after the second. would also be stylistically pleasing if this sentence were its own paragraph.

After his years of observation he has learned something of the predictability of humans, he joked at first, but now it is a small joy to him that he can set his watch to something so innate in us all. Fear.

this seems like several sentences jammed into one sentence. split it up a bit more, ay? also, ‘set his watch’ makes me think he’s literally setting the time on his watch. perhaps try ‘…observe something so innate in us all.’

The Dr. checks his watch

don’t use an honorific if it’s not before the name of a person. dr. should be doctor.

At 10 the gate opens and the weapon is released, it’s prey soon catches wind and, like clockwork the door on the other side of the glass opens.

there should be a comma after clockwork, but more importantly, the sentence is a little confusing because you call the creature a weapon.

In his stale world, this seems the only thing real.

this seems a wonky sentence structure. d: also, real and stale aren’t exactly mutually exclusive. try a stronger antonym to stale.

Your blonde hair is ragged and windswept from this exertion.

where is the wind coming from? i mean, i understand what you were trying to say, but this isn’t a good word.

Your black hair does nothing to hide the fear in your face.

i don’t see the relation between having black hair and being stoic. and also, i feel there should be some mention of hairstyle, because as it is, choosing just the color seems a little pointless.

…you can almost make out a vague pattern that sounds like a bestial laughter.

get rid of the a. it would be good to specify the pattern is a series of sounds earlier in the sentence.

A demonic piñata.

i initially thought this was a description of the creature! i feel you should use a word other than demonic, which has connotations of a living being.

You look around to see nothing, but the bare room.

no need for the comma here.

A loud thud as you hit the barrier, followed by an even louder pop. Dislocated your shoulder.

these aren’t proper sentences–which is fine, but it seems out of place here. i’m fairly certain there are sentences like this earlier on in the story as well, also.

You regain your balance and try simply bashing it, you already know the mirrors secrets, so please just let it break…

everything after ‘… bashing it,’ should be its own sentence. stylistically, i think getting rid of the ellipsis in the next button would be good to show desperation, maybe a series of *fake_choices with only a single option.

Dr. Feldburg sits un-phased by the large strike right in front of him.

unfazed is spelled unfazed and isn’t a hyphenated word. ‘the large strike’ also seems like an odd way to word this–emphasize the force, not the size.

This fine example of humanity at a peak of exertion.

this seems like a bit of an exaggeration, and imo it doesn’t really convey what’s going on all that well. the prey isn’t dying of exhaustion, they’re dying of being eaten by a bloody great beast. also, you capitalized the last word of the previous sentence for no reason i can see.

His eyes go wide and an inaudible “yes” comes through his lips…

i mean, i’m pretty sure you don’t mean it’s inaudible, since he is saying it and attention is being brought to the fact he’s saying it. also, though this probably stopped being pg 13 with the mention of paedophilia on the second page, i’m pretty sure it’s not ‘probably pg 13’ to describe someone getting an erection from watching someone be brutally ripped apart.

… you can only sump against the mirror…

sump, slump. set up the spellchecker on n++, it’s fantastic.

Good god, That thing isn’t done eating yet?

random capitalization–which you kind of do a lot. i assume it happens because you edit sentences you’ve already typed up and forget to edit the capitals. it’s a thing to watch out for.

If you want to know how eerie it is…

eerie doesn’t seem like a word a real person would use when talking about this situation.

the silence is broken…

the should be capitalized.

I guess he was the lucky thing that became my Wilson.

what is this a reference to?

You can’t help but stare at your name. How out of place it looks compared to everything else written. Almost looks forged. What mother gives their child the first name:

i love these lines, but the last one sort of makes it sound like the name is ridiculous. there are other ways to convey bitterness.

Now your gaze traces the room.

a room is a little big to trace–usually, the word is only used for little details.

… but the room is mine.

pov change from second person to first person.

we are simply here to learn how to control the thing. We are paid, not to find out what or why it is, just if it can be used to kill all who oppose our way in this world.

same as above. why it is what? also, i think ‘just if it can be…’ should be ‘just how it can be…’, since we probably already know it can kill people. it’s also sort of an incorrect statement, considering, if we’ve been doing the same thing for years, we haven’t done jack to figure out how to control it.

Desk

no need to capitalize.

worlds fastest

apostrophe. world’s fastest.

… I.M. that pops on screens

it’s only one screen, and i think you should word it as ‘pops up on-screen’ instead. i’m personally not too keen on I.M. vs. IM, but y’know. also, on that note, i think you should use italicization or bold to emphasize the word ‘it’, because IT just makes me think of information technology.

‘hole in the ground’

this part of the sentence is unnecessary. the audience can infer that the base is probably underground if an elevator is needed to get out.

No-mans land, population you two scientists.”

apostrophe, and probably a colon after ‘population’.

The blindfolds didn’t come off until the lift had dropped you off down here.

blindfolds seem ridiculous if they’re in the middle of nowhere and have no way of knowing where they are anyway.

Once a year some big wig suits come down the lift to check up on things.

‘big wig’ seems like it’s used far more often for showbiz than government.

It just sucks they come with only questions and no real thing of substance.

sucks seems like a bit of an understatement, considering it’s the only outside human contact they have, and all they do is spew bullshit every time they come around. also, ‘no real thing of substance’ sure is a bloated phrase.

explained all of the many terrorism qualities in a common chocolate bar.

Ф_____Ф

You give yourself three good guesses as to who it is.

remove ‘good’, far more common just to say ‘three guesses’. i think it would sound more sarcastic if the whole sentence were ‘Three guesses who it is.’

He needs a longer pacing area.

this seems like a childish way to put it. just say he needs a bigger area.

uncivilised you could become.

… i don’t really see how this is uncivilized. messed up, maybe, but not really savage.

Knowing what is on the other side has unsettled your body.

what an odd way to put it. what’s so unsettling about a bathroom? i mean, this makes it sound like there’s a dead body back there. also, i read ‘population: you two scientists.’ as ‘population: you and two scientists’ first, so here i was just thinking, that’s what happened to the third scientist.

Well… spacious in the sense you have a shower tub.

the word you’re looking for is probably bathtub. the tub is a necessity for a bath, not a shower.

You read reports of other research stations…

where did mc get reports on the sanitation facilities of research stations.

As you flush, you stare down the hole. For a second you wonder where it really goes, then you remind yourself of the recycled water. By tomorrow afternoon, that will be your tap water.

bolded sentence is unnecessary. we get the picture. but also, this seems highly likely to have killed them already, considering there’s no mention of purification processes. it is a nitpick, but so is the rest of this.

The…prey’s…

space after first ellipsis.

Once the kill is made, He releases some kind of call or roar.

the creature is suddenly a deity now.

The only thing to change is that this time and for the past few, after he does his ‘chest beating’ he stares into the mirror.

could just be reworded to something like ‘… that, these past few times, he has stared into the mirror after he’s done…’

No don’t want to think about that.

‘No, I don’t…’, ‘No, don’t…’, or ‘No. Don’t…’ would be better to use.

Where it is from. What form of predatory evolution caused it to get this way.

question marks instead of periods. also, the second sentence reads a bit weird, though i don’t really have a suggestion. perhaps ‘What made it this way?’

… but here we use a rapid incubation…

remove the a. also, this is the start of another pov switch from second person to first person. it goes on for a while.

Irrevocably stupid

irrevocably shouldn’t be capitalized, but i also suggest using a word other than irrevocably, since it sort of implies feldburg strongly regrets assigning that nickname to mc but can’t take it back.

We are coming up on 10 years here and I am having a hard time imagining 10 more.

pov switch. also, figuring out the time has been confusing for me. i thought they were only supposed to be here for three years? but a lot of the other text, and the fact they still do questions about the basics of the creature, suggests otherwise.

It was the same look you give a rival when they screw up a trivial question. The look that they are better than you, because they know so much more than you.

this seems a bit out of place and makes the narrator seem omniscient. perhaps try a different analogy?

… stores it for download into the clones.

something like ‘… stores the data, to be downloaded into the clones later.’ would be nicer wording for this, but more importantly, i don’t understand. the section seems like pseudoscience, with neural sleep patterns somehow translating into personality and memories. i mean, i don’t actually know how it’d work, but wouldn’t it be enough that the clones have a perfect replica of mc’s brain?

Well, you are probably miles underground and have no real idea as to the sun still existing…

buddy, you’d be dead if the sun stopped existing. it’s clearly a joke, but it’s not particularly funny and just sort of tedious, considering we’re meant to think this is a scientist. remove the probably, and figure out an alternative way to say the mc hasn’t seen the sun in a long time. hell, maybe just say they haven’t seen the sun in a long time.

If only to keep up appearances that you are a real doctor.

‘keep up appearances’ implies that other people (other than feldburg, ofc) actually see the mc. i think it would be better to emphasize they’re trying to convince themselves, not other people.

The walk to the dining area is always quiet, but the dining room itself has become a haven of whirls and hum. Any sound becomes a haven in a sea of silence.

whirls and hums. the second sentence, and describing this dining room as a haven, seems a bit purple prose-y for the general tone of the story.

The dining room itself holds all of the recycling machines which are always on.

that seems like a mighty fine way to waste power! oxygen, fine, (though it’s in an odd place) but water should probably not be constantly functioning, and i don’t understand what the food dispenser is recycling or why it needs to be on all the time.

You pour a glass of the freshest recycled water you know…

none of it is really fresh, so i don’t see the point in wording it like this.

The value of your immortal soul is very high, but right now the value of a sloppy loaded burger is slightly more. Where is the devil with his contract, anyway?

i think you ought to figure out another way to articulate mc’s bitterness. this feels very out of place.

Lets finish eating…

let’s. there are a few more instances of this particular error.

The familiar squeak of the common office chair as Dr. Feldburg sits down, breaks the silence.

it should either be ‘breaking’ or ‘… Dr. Feldburg sits down, and breaks the silence.’

Few things in this world kill for sport. All of those that do have a highly developed brain that allows for feelings of pleasure with activities not required to live.

pseudoscience vibe. i’m pretty sure this isn’t true, or is at least inaccurate. loads of animals do things for non-survival reasons, but they don’t necessarily have to have highly developed brains to do so.

Unlike a bullet that can miss, this has a perfect instant kill record.

equating an inanimate object with a living creature (a deadly, intelligent one, at that) is a great way to to make people question your credentials, dr. feldburg. guns don’t miss, people do.

“Dis craytur, He kill fast. but how he kill? What can we learn?”

i think this part is hilarious (i can just feel the polygons!), but also the creature is a deity again, and the first period should be a comma. also, this isn’t a dialect of anything. it’s just an accent.

“Dis craytur, he eviscerates body.” might as well play along.

capitalization.

He drops the grin with the accent dropping twice as fast.

how does something he hasn’t done yet happen twice as fast as something he has done?

“Look, Rabbit, I am sorry it has to be this way. I didn’t mean to make light of it.”

this change in tone comes far too fast and is inconsistent with my reaction, considering i wasn’t upset.

He forces himself to straighten back up in his chair, while simply acknowledging the need to move on.

why is he forcing himself? either way, the bolded words are unnecessary. hell, this part of the sentence could just be shortened to ‘moving on.’

Feldburg’s gaze goes to the 2 way mirror. As if he is looking for an answer to a question that he could never ask.

two-way mirror, omniscient narrator.

But, the silence is quickly broken by his voice, “After a successful kill in a hunt he releases some kind of roar. As if to ritualize the kill. There has to be some greater reason for this…”

are you sure you’re not just bored out of your mind and trying to assign a purpose to a meaningless thing.

in all seriousness, the first bit could be reworded to be ‘Breaking the silence, he says,’ to make it less passive, and ‘in a hunt’ and ‘some kind of’ are filler terms here.

Your ears aren’t blessed by loud thud. No, they sting; cursed by a horrific cracking sound.

i get you’re trying to be clever with your wording, but this doesn’t make sense. why would a loud thud be a blessing, as opposed to the sound of a crack? this eldritch abomination would still be trying to break the mirror, and it’s not entirely unreasonable to think it might break through eventually if it keeps trying. the semi-colon is also a bit out of place; a comma would be more appropriate. d:

Its eyes locked to your every move

this isn’t a proper sentence–which is still fine, but out of place.

This place isn’t as safe as your both had thought.

you.

You burst into the dinning area…

… i mean, it’s not wrong, considering the room is very noisy, but i doubt this is what you meant to say.

which shocks Feldburg into dropping the spoon he was using to stir.

why is he stirring water.

The usual melodious hum of the recycling machines now sounds like monotonous buzzing that you just pray will stop.

i doubt the hum is melodious. pleasant, perhaps. calming. it is constant and generally puts mc at ease whenever they’re in the room.

Hours later. or is it minutes?

i feel a dash would be more effective than a period.

Several times you thought you could even hear movement in the hall.

i mean, it’s not that weird for mc, considering feldburg paces a lot.

But, it didn’t last long it seems as you check your computer’s clock.

‘But it seems it didn’t last long…’ or something along those lines would be better wording for this. also, why don’t we have a watch? it’s strange for the computer to be constantly powered on.

As you walk swiftly down the hall it is only 30 seconds before you stand at his door.

who’s counting? d: ‘You walk swiftly down the hall, and it’s not long before you arrive at his door.’

You do a quick scan of the room, but see no one inside. .

BUT WHO WAS GASP

In fact all you can see is a fairly similar room compared to your own.

if we say something is similar to something else, we’re already making a comparison. ‘In fact, all you see is a room similar to yours.’

A small bed, with a desk and computer. But, his computer is on. On its screen you can see a blinking red light in one corner.

i mean, the whole screen emits the same amount of light, so. maybe you mean monitor…? i don’t know.

It won’t dawn on you until later, but curiosity is so innate in humans that it can sometimes override fear.

If only you had known then what mysteries it truly held. What horrors it would foretell.

the above quotes are awful lines to use in a story written in the present tense, particularly a horror story. don’t waste time telling us we’ll be spooked some time in the future. trust us to know something bad is going to happen without you telling us so.

other than that, i’ve noticed a few instances of the nickname ‘rabbit’ not being capitalized.


#11

@Giratina Someone after my own heart. I would cry spoilers, but nothing has been written yet.

@KP_Paul I am glad you are enjoying it. Thanks for the typos. I will fix them with the utmost fury! When it comes to looking around the room. I wanted it to more of an internal dialogue of the MC, but led into with narration. I found it hard and annoying when I was proofreading, but I tried to smooth it over. I am open to ideas, but as it stands now I might just try to separate the narration parts with a ‘next’ button lead in to the internal reveal of the lore.

@OfficerRattlesnake You don’t come off to harshly, In fact I expected a Bigger list from you. Joking. I am very happy for this list. I am a programmer at heart and ChoiceScript itself was easy to pick up, but grammar is not my strong suit. I seem to struggle in any language that doesn’t involve variable declarations. All of those are points I will work on, except for the end. The way the story ends now was just to let the Player know that this is not the end. They are place holder lines. I will delete them when this is ready for the next phase. Oh! As for the terrorism of chocolate… I started with the word terroristic but apparently that isn’t a word… :confused: so I used that instead. It didn’t sound right, but I lost track of fixing it. Rest assured! I will find a way to properly convey the dangers of chocolate.

I have a question to ask for anyone to answer. Would people want the climax to come out piecemeal? Or save it for when the ends are ready, so it is all one picture? The climax itself marks the true beginning of the divergence, but it itself will not be completely divergent. The climax could be out within a week easy. (my guess less than 3 weeks). But the endings will take a bit longer. Probably going to be 4. Collect them all.


#12

i did have a slightly bigger list, but @KP_Paul got everything i was going to point out way before i ever posted the thing. d: but i’m happy to help, and glad you found use out of the list. c:

ah, okay, thank you for clarifying about the end! i’m glad you’re not serious about keeping it that way, as i thought you were. aw, the terrorism of chocolate was hilarious, though! great band/book name. d: but nah, yeah, changing it would be better.

also, i think you should save it for when at least one ending is reachable. that way it won’t end in another cliffhanger, but it will be quicker than finishing the entire game before another update.


#13

This actually felt like playing a creepypasta, it’s quite scary, and very interesting at the same time.

Perhaps the reason why the creature can looks at you trough the mirror and launches himself at it is because “you” are his food, or well, your clones which are pretty much you and he senses that you are there?


#14

this is a really good game, I saw you might still be looking for a title and the name “Test Rabbit” popped into my head, although I don’t know how well it fits the rest of the story. and I’d say it’d be better to release the whole thing at once rather than separate everything, but I don’t really care too much either way.


#15

Why not call it “lepus interfectorem” (sounds sorta cool and means “rabbit killer” in Latin)

Edit: it actually means killer rabbit


#16

That rabbit’s dynamite!


#17

I soiled my armor over that!


#18

@P0RT3R kinda something along those lines. I mean it hasn’t really launched itself at the glass before, BUT the MC has long since stopped being in that room when it is. So makes sense. (my way of avoiding a direct answer.)

@DragonWarrior Hmmm Rabbit might end up making its way into the title in one way or another.

@SheaMcD Killer rabbit? Well rabbits are, or were, often used in a lot of research based applications.

@OfficerRattlesnake finally got through your list. By the time I was halfway through I was embarrassed. A lot of these errors come down to my mind knowing what the line should read. So when I read it I just imagine it the way I think it is. But I didn’t get around to all things on your list (maybe 85% I did change in some way.) The capitalization of rabbit is still wonky. The changes to first person are still terrible in the exposition part (I am thinking of how to more accurately fix this. Right now leaning towards page seperation). I am planning on addressing these after I get more story out of the way.

I can’t imagine how long it took to make that list, let alone keep reading after all the stupid mistakes. So I will make a list of my own for you in response to some points I feel need a response.

  • set his watch.

I did mean it as he literally set his watch to it, as a way to drive home the predictability of a person(especially if it happens to be the same person. One big point of this story is the value of a clones life compared to the original. So I thought feldburg’s way of viewing it a set thing just another constant variable in science shows his view on the value.). But, I took some effort to try and make my intentions more clear.

  • Dr. checks his watch.

this happened because an edit. >_> no further comment

  • At 10 the gate opens.

I meant to call the creature a weapon. Because I wanted it to predispose the reader to the idea that the creature is to be viewed as nothing more than a weapon. (not that it is how it should be, but how I wanted the reader to start off) When the whole thing is done and you still feel it is wrong then please let me know and I will try to change it.

  • In his stale world.

A stronger antonym to stale? You trying to get fresh with me?

  • Windswept.

Honestly I had to force myself to not change the line to - swept by the wind. But I figure what is a poke at you worth if you might not read it?

  • Black hair.

I don’t think the hair has anything to do with fear. I just dislike simply picking a color from a list. I wanted a little more description. Oh! Just as a heads up, this may seems weird and random… but, if you pick bald the comment is on the head wound. Not being bald doesn’t mean you don’t have a head wound. It just means you can’t see it. It isn’t overly important. Just a little thing I threw in. (Please don’t put this one your next list.)

  • A demonic piñata.

That line wasn’t supposed to go through. It was me cracking a joke in development.

  • un-phased.

Unfazed is the word I was looking for?.. Why has no one corrected me for YEARS. I need better friends.

  • Inaudible yes.

I wanted it to be inaudible. Like he is to ‘excited’ that his mouth runs faster than his voice. Like when you watch an action move and the MC (Jason Statham) burst through the glass roof to save his lover and his daughter…who were both… taken… wrong character I know, but he is my go to action guy. Oh and I will change it to R. If not for this than what comes after. It won’t be bad. Just with the wrong perceptions it could be terrible.

  • sump.

I do have spellchecker on N++, but it sucks. Sump is a word… Yes I had to look it up after reading what you said. To my N++ movie is apparently not a word.

  • I guess he was the lucky thing that became my Wilson.

This is a castaway reference, but I am not going to elaborate it in the story(It is not really important enough for the reader to know). I might take it out if it is too out there. But, I thought it fitting.

  • Blindfolds.

I feel they were needed. The soldiers that picked you up spoke in an understandable language(presumably english), but the ones who saw you down the lift spoke different. Implying that at some point you switched hands. When a government is in bed with a bunch of countries it shouldn’t be. Well you better bet they keep the lights off!

  • It just sucks they come with…

Well I want it to be a bit of an understatement. The MC is seeming to handle all of this isolation well(just not the creature), but the good doctor is not. I wonder why?

  • terrorism.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

  • Knowing what is on the other side has unsettled your body.

This wording is actually foreshadowing. Please see, further down on your list, GASP.

  • Shower tub.

No i meant shower tub. I guess it is a regional thing. Grew up calling it that. I changed it to
be easier to understand. A bathtub that also serves as a shower.

  • Irrevocably stupid.

I like that phrasing. For reasons you have described.

  • Well, you are probably miles underground…

What don’t like my jokes, mate? Changed it.

  • If only to keep up appearances.

I like this because the relationship the MC has with Feldburg is very student/teacher. She wears it too try and remind him they are peers.

  • Lets.

This was hard for me to change all of them. I would sigh with each new one found.

  • Unlike a bullet.

I like this comparison if only because he is comparing it to a weapon. When he does analysis the creature is a weapon a tool. That is what blinds him from making progress into the study. What stops the MC from making progress is a whole other story… or well climax I guess. (to be released in the future)

  • Look, Rabbit, I am sorry it has to be this way…

I am glad you weren’t offended but Feldburg feels bad for you regardless. He may like watching, but he doesn’t like to see the ‘real’ MC upset. I changed the choice to show more enjoyment.

  • Your ears aren’t blessed.

Me trying to be clever? You give me too much credit. But a thud would be welcome. In the beginning the MC charges the glass with a thud. No damage. Thuds are sounds the MC is used to.

  • Why is he stirring water.

Why indeed?

Now for some bonus points! Because your list is longer than mine and I am feeling insecure because of it!

  • My goal with Feldburg is to, at all times, make him seem human. He has flaws, and maybe insanity is setting in from isolation. But, I want the human underneath to always be visible.

  • One of the only stats I care about tracking is the opinion of Feldburg. I can confirm he is a romance option, and the BEST waifu. But he will always stay gender-locked.

  • In the story, it is closing in on the 10th year, which means it is time for a yearly visit. Will you make it that far? The lift will come down. But who will go back up?

  • For a safe lab environment, no Red shirts allowed.

I will be posting the updated link shortly, but it will just have these changes no new story. :confused:


#19

i mean, as with any other critique, it’s up to you what’s important to change! all you have to do is take the time to read the critique and consider its point, which you clearly have done. thank you for putting the time into a response! c:

incidentally, it took… around five hours? to write up that initial thing.

  • set his watch.

thank you for elaborating on that! that’s an interesting take on it–but yes, making it so it reads as you intended was a good idea, in that case. the newer wording is much clearer.

  • At 10 the gate opens.

i know, but the problem i had specifically with this instance of calling it a weapon is that this is the first mention of the creature. the talk of warfare from earlier, calling it a weapon, and calling the clone ‘prey’ sends mixed messages. it absolutely doesn’t need to be taken away, it would just be good to elaborate earlier that this is indeed a living thing and not some sort of turret.

  • In his stale world.

you havin’ a giggle, mate?

  • Black hair.

a more direct connection between the two would be nice–for example, if the hair is in some way obscuring mc’s expression, or something like that. i like how you handled windswept. also, it never actually occurred to me to point that out! i read it as you intended. d:

also, as a matter of interest-

Your attention is immediately draw to the fact…

drawn. i also feel you might want to rephrase the option for short hair a bit, but that might just be me, so.

  • A demonic piñata.

rofl. but it’s hilarious!

  • un-phased.

i totally didn’t know it was spelled like that either before this, so. d:

  • Inaudible yes

fair enough, it ain’t a glaring error. a lot of things appear wonky to me that aren’t really that wonky, so. d: (ayyy, jason is also my go-to action guy)

  • sump.

… that is ridiculous. like i know aspell can be very silly about a lot of things, but movie? yeesh.

  • I guess he was the lucky thing that became my Wilson.

oh okay. there’s no need to elaborate a reference in-story (that would be a bit cringey), i just didn’t understand what it was a reference to.

  • Knowing what is on the other side has unsettled your body.

ah, okay! fair enough, as are all the other items on your list i’ve skipped over in my response. although i was specifically referring to ‘unsettled your body’ as being an odd way to put it–usually ‘is unsettling’ is enough. sorry for not being clear.

  • Shower tub.

i’ve never heard it referred to as that, so it is probably a regional thing. don’t most bathtubs also serve as showers?

  • Irrevocably stupid.

why would feldburg want to revoke it, in that case? i mean, mc wants feldburg to revoke it, but i don’t get the impression that feldburg himself dislikes calling mc rabbit.

  • Well, you are probably miles underground…

that’s not true! i like a lot of them. d: just not this one.

  • If only to keep up appearances.

fair enough, although a little more emphasis on that would be great, in that case.

  • Lets.

two words: find/replace. hella useful, especially since you seem to be having trouble changing the bits in first person to second person and changing the instances of rabbit to Rabbit. just have to be mindful which ones you change.

  • Unlike a bullet.

he’s comparing to the part of the weapon that is affected by the largest number of uncontrollable variables, though. like, i just think it would be a more effective comparison if he compared it with a soldier (who can still be reduced to a tool) or at least the whole gun.

  • Look, Rbbit, I am sorry it has to be this way…

nah, s’alright. it’s just a little inconsistency with how solemn he suddenly sounded.

also, as a point of interest:

“Yeas, It is very bloudy”.

‘it’ should be lowercase. also, misplaced period.

  • Your ears aren’t blessed.

d: clever with the contrast, y’know. i still doubt it would be that much better than if the glass cracked, but fair enough.

/high-fives. good to meet someone else who feels insecure when the other person’s reply is longer!

i really do think you succeed in what you’re trying to do with feldburg, also.


#20

Found a typo (Quite lucky, that. I don’t usually notice them.) :

It shoots your brain a singal periodically.