ayyy, great to see you working on that short story! i think it’s really good. solid tone and premise (although it could definitely be pushed further), a nice amount of fantastic lines, all that good stuff. but i do have a fair few observations to mark down (although @KP_Paul beat me to the punch for several of the grammatical errors) after one playthrough. i hope i haven’t come off too harshly here, i’m not trying to. i hope this is helpful for you! c: i’ll make a post a little later to talk more about the game itself, but for now, here we go!
White tile floor, white tile walls, white tile ceiling… Yea, he remembers where he is.
yea should be either yes or yeah–i personally think yes sounds better.
But, for now, that side of the room sits empty. But, for how much longer?
remove the first ‘but’, and get rid of the comma after the second. would also be stylistically pleasing if this sentence were its own paragraph.
After his years of observation he has learned something of the predictability of humans, he joked at first, but now it is a small joy to him that he can set his watch to something so innate in us all. Fear.
this seems like several sentences jammed into one sentence. split it up a bit more, ay? also, ‘set his watch’ makes me think he’s literally setting the time on his watch. perhaps try ‘…observe something so innate in us all.’
The Dr. checks his watch
don’t use an honorific if it’s not before the name of a person. dr. should be doctor.
At 10 the gate opens and the weapon is released, it’s prey soon catches wind and, like clockwork the door on the other side of the glass opens.
there should be a comma after clockwork, but more importantly, the sentence is a little confusing because you call the creature a weapon.
In his stale world, this seems the only thing real.
this seems a wonky sentence structure. d: also, real and stale aren’t exactly mutually exclusive. try a stronger antonym to stale.
Your blonde hair is ragged and windswept from this exertion.
where is the wind coming from? i mean, i understand what you were trying to say, but this isn’t a good word.
Your black hair does nothing to hide the fear in your face.
i don’t see the relation between having black hair and being stoic. and also, i feel there should be some mention of hairstyle, because as it is, choosing just the color seems a little pointless.
…you can almost make out a vague pattern that sounds like a bestial laughter.
get rid of the a. it would be good to specify the pattern is a series of sounds earlier in the sentence.
A demonic piñata.
i initially thought this was a description of the creature! i feel you should use a word other than demonic, which has connotations of a living being.
You look around to see nothing, but the bare room.
no need for the comma here.
A loud thud as you hit the barrier, followed by an even louder pop. Dislocated your shoulder.
these aren’t proper sentences–which is fine, but it seems out of place here. i’m fairly certain there are sentences like this earlier on in the story as well, also.
You regain your balance and try simply bashing it, you already know the mirrors secrets, so please just let it break…
everything after ‘… bashing it,’ should be its own sentence. stylistically, i think getting rid of the ellipsis in the next button would be good to show desperation, maybe a series of *fake_choices with only a single option.
Dr. Feldburg sits un-phased by the large strike right in front of him.
unfazed is spelled unfazed and isn’t a hyphenated word. ‘the large strike’ also seems like an odd way to word this–emphasize the force, not the size.
This fine example of humanity at a peak of exertion.
this seems like a bit of an exaggeration, and imo it doesn’t really convey what’s going on all that well. the prey isn’t dying of exhaustion, they’re dying of being eaten by a bloody great beast. also, you capitalized the last word of the previous sentence for no reason i can see.
His eyes go wide and an inaudible “yes” comes through his lips…
i mean, i’m pretty sure you don’t mean it’s inaudible, since he is saying it and attention is being brought to the fact he’s saying it. also, though this probably stopped being pg 13 with the mention of paedophilia on the second page, i’m pretty sure it’s not ‘probably pg 13’ to describe someone getting an erection from watching someone be brutally ripped apart.
… you can only sump against the mirror…
sump, slump. set up the spellchecker on n++, it’s fantastic.
Good god, That thing isn’t done eating yet?
random capitalization–which you kind of do a lot. i assume it happens because you edit sentences you’ve already typed up and forget to edit the capitals. it’s a thing to watch out for.
If you want to know how eerie it is…
eerie doesn’t seem like a word a real person would use when talking about this situation.
the silence is broken…
the should be capitalized.
I guess he was the lucky thing that became my Wilson.
what is this a reference to?
You can’t help but stare at your name. How out of place it looks compared to everything else written. Almost looks forged. What mother gives their child the first name:
i love these lines, but the last one sort of makes it sound like the name is ridiculous. there are other ways to convey bitterness.
Now your gaze traces the room.
a room is a little big to trace–usually, the word is only used for little details.
… but the room is mine.
pov change from second person to first person.
… we are simply here to learn how to control the thing. We are paid, not to find out what or why it is, just if it can be used to kill all who oppose our way in this world.
same as above. why it is what? also, i think ‘just if it can be…’ should be ‘just how it can be…’, since we probably already know it can kill people. it’s also sort of an incorrect statement, considering, if we’ve been doing the same thing for years, we haven’t done jack to figure out how to control it.
Desk
no need to capitalize.
worlds fastest
apostrophe. world’s fastest.
… I.M. that pops on screens…
it’s only one screen, and i think you should word it as ‘pops up on-screen’ instead. i’m personally not too keen on I.M. vs. IM, but y’know. also, on that note, i think you should use italicization or bold to emphasize the word ‘it’, because IT just makes me think of information technology.
‘hole in the ground’
this part of the sentence is unnecessary. the audience can infer that the base is probably underground if an elevator is needed to get out.
“No-mans land, population you two scientists.”
apostrophe, and probably a colon after ‘population’.
The blindfolds didn’t come off until the lift had dropped you off down here.
blindfolds seem ridiculous if they’re in the middle of nowhere and have no way of knowing where they are anyway.
Once a year some big wig suits come down the lift to check up on things.
‘big wig’ seems like it’s used far more often for showbiz than government.
It just sucks they come with only questions and no real thing of substance.
sucks seems like a bit of an understatement, considering it’s the only outside human contact they have, and all they do is spew bullshit every time they come around. also, ‘no real thing of substance’ sure is a bloated phrase.
explained all of the many terrorism qualities in a common chocolate bar.
Ф_____Ф…
You give yourself three good guesses as to who it is.
remove ‘good’, far more common just to say ‘three guesses’. i think it would sound more sarcastic if the whole sentence were ‘Three guesses who it is.’
He needs a longer pacing area.
this seems like a childish way to put it. just say he needs a bigger area.
uncivilised you could become.
… i don’t really see how this is uncivilized. messed up, maybe, but not really savage.
Knowing what is on the other side has unsettled your body.
what an odd way to put it. what’s so unsettling about a bathroom? i mean, this makes it sound like there’s a dead body back there. also, i read ‘population: you two scientists.’ as ‘population: you and two scientists’ first, so here i was just thinking, that’s what happened to the third scientist.
Well… spacious in the sense you have a shower tub.
the word you’re looking for is probably bathtub. the tub is a necessity for a bath, not a shower.
You read reports of other research stations…
where did mc get reports on the sanitation facilities of research stations.
As you flush, you stare down the hole. For a second you wonder where it really goes, then you remind yourself of the recycled water. By tomorrow afternoon, that will be your tap water.
bolded sentence is unnecessary. we get the picture. but also, this seems highly likely to have killed them already, considering there’s no mention of purification processes. it is a nitpick, but so is the rest of this.
The…prey’s…
space after first ellipsis.
Once the kill is made, He releases some kind of call or roar.
the creature is suddenly a deity now.
The only thing to change is that this time and for the past few, after he does his ‘chest beating’ he stares into the mirror.
could just be reworded to something like ‘… that, these past few times, he has stared into the mirror after he’s done…’
No don’t want to think about that.
‘No, I don’t…’, ‘No, don’t…’, or ‘No. Don’t…’ would be better to use.
Where it is from. What form of predatory evolution caused it to get this way.
question marks instead of periods. also, the second sentence reads a bit weird, though i don’t really have a suggestion. perhaps ‘What made it this way?’
… but here we use a rapid incubation…
remove the a. also, this is the start of another pov switch from second person to first person. it goes on for a while.
Irrevocably stupid
irrevocably shouldn’t be capitalized, but i also suggest using a word other than irrevocably, since it sort of implies feldburg strongly regrets assigning that nickname to mc but can’t take it back.
We are coming up on 10 years here and I am having a hard time imagining 10 more.
pov switch. also, figuring out the time has been confusing for me. i thought they were only supposed to be here for three years? but a lot of the other text, and the fact they still do questions about the basics of the creature, suggests otherwise.
It was the same look you give a rival when they screw up a trivial question. The look that they are better than you, because they know so much more than you.
this seems a bit out of place and makes the narrator seem omniscient. perhaps try a different analogy?
… stores it for download into the clones.
something like ‘… stores the data, to be downloaded into the clones later.’ would be nicer wording for this, but more importantly, i don’t understand. the section seems like pseudoscience, with neural sleep patterns somehow translating into personality and memories. i mean, i don’t actually know how it’d work, but wouldn’t it be enough that the clones have a perfect replica of mc’s brain?
Well, you are probably miles underground and have no real idea as to the sun still existing…
buddy, you’d be dead if the sun stopped existing. it’s clearly a joke, but it’s not particularly funny and just sort of tedious, considering we’re meant to think this is a scientist. remove the probably, and figure out an alternative way to say the mc hasn’t seen the sun in a long time. hell, maybe just say they haven’t seen the sun in a long time.
If only to keep up appearances that you are a real doctor.
‘keep up appearances’ implies that other people (other than feldburg, ofc) actually see the mc. i think it would be better to emphasize they’re trying to convince themselves, not other people.
The walk to the dining area is always quiet, but the dining room itself has become a haven of whirls and hum. Any sound becomes a haven in a sea of silence.
whirls and hums. the second sentence, and describing this dining room as a haven, seems a bit purple prose-y for the general tone of the story.
The dining room itself holds all of the recycling machines which are always on.
that seems like a mighty fine way to waste power! oxygen, fine, (though it’s in an odd place) but water should probably not be constantly functioning, and i don’t understand what the food dispenser is recycling or why it needs to be on all the time.
You pour a glass of the freshest recycled water you know…
none of it is really fresh, so i don’t see the point in wording it like this.
The value of your immortal soul is very high, but right now the value of a sloppy loaded burger is slightly more. Where is the devil with his contract, anyway?
i think you ought to figure out another way to articulate mc’s bitterness. this feels very out of place.
Lets finish eating…
let’s. there are a few more instances of this particular error.
The familiar squeak of the common office chair as Dr. Feldburg sits down, breaks the silence.
it should either be ‘breaking’ or ‘… Dr. Feldburg sits down, and breaks the silence.’
Few things in this world kill for sport. All of those that do have a highly developed brain that allows for feelings of pleasure with activities not required to live.
pseudoscience vibe. i’m pretty sure this isn’t true, or is at least inaccurate. loads of animals do things for non-survival reasons, but they don’t necessarily have to have highly developed brains to do so.
Unlike a bullet that can miss, this has a perfect instant kill record.
equating an inanimate object with a living creature (a deadly, intelligent one, at that) is a great way to to make people question your credentials, dr. feldburg. guns don’t miss, people do.
“Dis craytur, He kill fast. but how he kill? What can we learn?”
i think this part is hilarious (i can just feel the polygons!), but also the creature is a deity again, and the first period should be a comma. also, this isn’t a dialect of anything. it’s just an accent.
“Dis craytur, he eviscerates body.” might as well play along.
capitalization.
He drops the grin with the accent dropping twice as fast.
how does something he hasn’t done yet happen twice as fast as something he has done?
“Look, Rabbit, I am sorry it has to be this way. I didn’t mean to make light of it.”
this change in tone comes far too fast and is inconsistent with my reaction, considering i wasn’t upset.
He forces himself to straighten back up in his chair, while simply acknowledging the need to move on.
why is he forcing himself? either way, the bolded words are unnecessary. hell, this part of the sentence could just be shortened to ‘moving on.’
Feldburg’s gaze goes to the 2 way mirror. As if he is looking for an answer to a question that he could never ask.
two-way mirror, omniscient narrator.
But, the silence is quickly broken by his voice, “After a successful kill in a hunt he releases some kind of roar. As if to ritualize the kill. There has to be some greater reason for this…”
are you sure you’re not just bored out of your mind and trying to assign a purpose to a meaningless thing.
in all seriousness, the first bit could be reworded to be ‘Breaking the silence, he says,’ to make it less passive, and ‘in a hunt’ and ‘some kind of’ are filler terms here.
Your ears aren’t blessed by loud thud. No, they sting; cursed by a horrific cracking sound.
i get you’re trying to be clever with your wording, but this doesn’t make sense. why would a loud thud be a blessing, as opposed to the sound of a crack? this eldritch abomination would still be trying to break the mirror, and it’s not entirely unreasonable to think it might break through eventually if it keeps trying. the semi-colon is also a bit out of place; a comma would be more appropriate. d:
Its eyes locked to your every move
this isn’t a proper sentence–which is still fine, but out of place.
This place isn’t as safe as your both had thought.
you.
You burst into the dinning area…
… i mean, it’s not wrong, considering the room is very noisy, but i doubt this is what you meant to say.
which shocks Feldburg into dropping the spoon he was using to stir.
why is he stirring water.
The usual melodious hum of the recycling machines now sounds like monotonous buzzing that you just pray will stop.
i doubt the hum is melodious. pleasant, perhaps. calming. it is constant and generally puts mc at ease whenever they’re in the room.
Hours later. or is it minutes?
i feel a dash would be more effective than a period.
Several times you thought you could even hear movement in the hall.
i mean, it’s not that weird for mc, considering feldburg paces a lot.
But, it didn’t last long it seems as you check your computer’s clock.
‘But it seems it didn’t last long…’ or something along those lines would be better wording for this. also, why don’t we have a watch? it’s strange for the computer to be constantly powered on.
As you walk swiftly down the hall it is only 30 seconds before you stand at his door.
who’s counting? d: ‘You walk swiftly down the hall, and it’s not long before you arrive at his door.’
You do a quick scan of the room, but see no one inside. .
BUT WHO WAS GASP
In fact all you can see is a fairly similar room compared to your own.
if we say something is similar to something else, we’re already making a comparison. ‘In fact, all you see is a room similar to yours.’
A small bed, with a desk and computer. But, his computer is on. On its screen you can see a blinking red light in one corner.
i mean, the whole screen emits the same amount of light, so. maybe you mean monitor…? i don’t know.
It won’t dawn on you until later, but curiosity is so innate in humans that it can sometimes override fear.
If only you had known then what mysteries it truly held. What horrors it would foretell.
the above quotes are awful lines to use in a story written in the present tense, particularly a horror story. don’t waste time telling us we’ll be spooked some time in the future. trust us to know something bad is going to happen without you telling us so.
other than that, i’ve noticed a few instances of the nickname ‘rabbit’ not being capitalized.
.
, may not be the best thing, but I still think it is worth it. But, I am biased.
so I used that instead. It didn’t sound right, but I lost track of fixing it. Rest assured! I will find a way to properly convey the dangers of chocolate.