@OfficerRattlesnake I just want to tell you- wow… that’s incredibly in-depth.
I’m inclined to agree with these statements based on the information given, without yet having read the story. This is good advice Though a few things-
‘it’s prey soon catches wind’ should be its, without a '.
Stale actually seems fine as a word to use in that sentence.
Bedraggled would probably be a more fitting word than windswept
Don’t know the situation, but eerie might be used? If spooky would work, eerie would. If not, it probably wouldn’t.
I rather like ‘What mother gives their child the first name’, but it may fit better phrased as 'What mother would give their child a first name like: ’
On screen would be correct, though it could also be ‘on the screens’ if multiple screens are being indicated.
Big wig is probably fine there, I could imagine it in a corporate sense, as well. Sloppy English, but Americans are notorously sloppy with their English (except weird people like me, though even I am, realistically).
Instead of ‘no real thing of substance’, ‘nothing of any real substance’ sounds more natural.
chuckle Referring to the creature as a deity is another way of saying ‘you capitalized he and should not have’.
I’m not sure what context ‘Irrevocably stupid’ is being used in, but perhaps ‘unfathomably’ or ‘irreversibly’?
… Yeah, about this point is how much I could stand. I would not have read this far, I think, yet Rattlesnake goes on quite a while more helping you. Take the advice to heart, it’s on-point.
ayyy. thank you very much! although the post probably looks a bit bigger than it actually is, since i used quotes instead of bullet-points. it’s more convenient as a formatting option, and more readable, i think.
also, thank you for providing suggestions where i couldn’t, much appreciated. to elaborate on the context for a few of the things you mentioned–
- i was contending the use of real as an antonym to stale–i’m completely fine with the usage of stale in that sentence.
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the situation ‘eerie’ is used in is when the mc is talking about how they feel about watching clones of themselves being brutally murdered and then eaten. so, yeah, unlikely that spooky would be used in that context with a relatively serious tone.
- i’m fine with the phrase itself, but ‘What mother gives their child the first name:’ being used as the prompt for naming your character is a bit strange to me, i guess. it seems suited toward named no-one would want to have, but the point of the system is having the name one wants to have. it’s a bit silly to me, though i understand the point behind it.
- it is indeed one screen, since we’re talking about mc’s computer, which i believe has only one monitor.
@Phantom I mispelled that word TWICE! I caught it the first time, but I guess I just re-wrote it the same way. I might have caught it if I slowed down, but I was rushing myself to push the quick fixes out the door.
I took the advice to heart. I stayed up into the hours of the night to find and fix all the errors. It was a long read, and a hard one. Hard in the fact that I wanted to kick myself with almost every point.
Just as an update: The climax is done. School(for me) has restarted so I will be focusing more on Ocaml than choicescript. So don’t expect the endings to be ready anytime soon(2 months at the latest.). I will post the whole thing when it is done. I will proofread it, but I proofread the last one and we all saw how that turned out… So when it comes out if you don’t want glaring typos/inconsistencies please wait until after some people go through the draft and point out the mistakes I missed. And bless those who do.
Also as a open question. I have 2 password protected things on the computer, in the game. There are no password hints, but one of them should be completely obvious. The other requires a bit of sleuthing(in the story) and context clues(though still nothing major that should ruin immersion). I was wondering the general consensus on this point? Would people be totally upset if they might not be able to figure them out easily, without generous hints? (the story goes on either way, but some things might not be available.)
I would probably get more accurate answers if you all could test it out, but I am just asking this to test the waters. If, when it comes out, you think it is too hard or pointless, let me know.
the password system sounds fine, since even the one that’s difficult doesn’t lock one out of the rest of the game. the more important thing is what is behind the passwords, i think; as long as it’s essentially an extra (like the exposition in the mc’s room is, technically) and the password itself isn’t too difficult to guess with context, i don’t think it’d be a problem or all that frustrating.
good luck with school! c:
@BlueSquare After finishing the demo from what I read you still haven’t explained what the creature looks like(unless I’m blind) so I was thinking it might a cool if the creature looked like a human being, maybe female. I just felt that would be really cool. I would like to know if anyone else also feels the same.
i don’t think a primarily humanoid creature would be as fast or deadly, though, scientifically. besides, if people wanted weapons that look like humans, they’d just create superhumans and not bother with this.
this and the fact mc clearly has a problem with personifying it makes me think it’s not fitting for it to look human, either way.
i personally imagined a rather front-heavy bulky quadruped, snappy mouth, fierce claws, jagged and grotesque features.
i do agree it would be great to have a description of the creature, but perhaps it’s intentionally vague.
How about the thing from until dawn (don’t wanna spoil it)
You make good points
Speak of the devil Im watching that right now
@RyseAbove I left out the description of the creature on purpose, but as this is the second post kinda asking for one I might be forced to put in a brief one. I don’t think the creature takes the center stage in this story, so the exacts of it are not particularly important. I wanted the reader to fill in the blanks with what they thought. I could describe what I think the creature to be, but that would influence all of your own thoughts on it. I want this to have a more psychological horror vibe, in the the reader creates the horror themselves. I tell you to fear something, but not what it is, in hopes you make it up yourself. I don’t know what you fear(be it spiders or snakes), but you do fear something(I hope)… So I am relying on you to fill in the gaps with your own nightmares. But, I do have one creature intensive ending where it get all the credit it deserves(which might disappoint some readers 
). After you read that ending though, and you still want to complain, then I will definitely have to make some changes.
@OfficerRattlesnake Your description of the creature scares me. Reminds me of a gorilla, but with claws. Too spooky. Or what if the creature was something as terrifying as my TYPOS! How mad would you be if it just turned out to be a sentient version of the first draft? Knowing my writing… I could work it in.
now that would be truly horrific!
in all seriousness, though, what we know of the creature does narrow it down slightly–we know what it can do and what the characters think of it, so that crosses out a few things. we know it can charge and lunge, we know it probably has a powerful jaw and/or sharp teeth, we know it is most likely a carnivore, we know it can roar, and we know that feldburg masculinizes it by default and mc is reluctant to see it as anything resembling a person.
i don’t think a detailed description is necessary at all, just enough to play with these ideas a bit to tie them together in one place. that would be a good thing, i think.
The thing was somewhat humanoid looking.
So I don’t think it would work.
These things were pretty scary looking, but dude were they fast!
i think humanoid body with non-humanoid head would look cool for a creature like the one in this game but with legs like werewolves and …(thinking for 30 mins) oh! and a crouch like stance some thing like a feral beast! .
I agree, I think the creature is best unexplained, to give it the intimidation of the unknown in a way. but if we’re discussing what the creature looks like to us, I imagine it kinda like this-
so theres that
i don’t feel this would be an accurate application of the unknown as the driving force for fear, considering we know exactly what it is and what it does (most of the important parts, at least), and the characters themselves know even better than we do. in horror, it’s more plausible to invoke the unknown as being The Monster if we don’t actually know what caused the events in the story for most of the story. it would be accurate to say that for a story like this, for example, where we have a less clear idea of what these beings are about and what they do.
it’s just a more effective form of storytelling, in this case, because not everyone is afraid of the same things and some people wouldn’t even be afraid at all either way.
But i’d imagine it has a mouth that looks like a humans cause it said that the creature grinned at the MC before charging at them and trying to break the glass.
This thing looks like a skinned dog/wolf with a insect face XD.
Maybe it has like a scent or gas coming out of it that makes it look like your worst fear or something