Nest of Snakes (Chapter 1 Demo) 27/12/16

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Hey everyone!

So a massive thanks to everyone who voted on the blurbs! I will be going with the second option (preferred two to one) and there are a few things to adjust as were pointed out to me (you wonderful people know who you are).

WIP DEMO!

So the plan was to put out the first two chapters together but I’m an idiot/moron/loser who can’t write in a linear fashion and what I’ve actually put up is only ~10,000 words out of the 45,000 that I’ve actually written (I’ve even finished some of the endings. Is this normal? Am I the only weirdo here?).

I’ve been working on this full time—often past midnight—but I’m starting to get cold feet. Am I wasting my time with this? I love working on it but don’t know if I’m being delusional in thinking it might amount to anything enjoyable for others, let alone publishable.

So, please save my writing spirit, unless it’s totally rubbish and boring in which case please let me know before I embarrass myself further. Thanks!

Warning; contains some mature language and themes including (but not limited to) manipulative relationships, poor mental health and violence, including some violence that involves children.

https://dashingdon.com/play/egwells/nest-of-snakes/mygame/index.php?cb=75061

All feedback and grammar corrections highly valued.
Thank-you for reading.

BLURB

Why in Hades is Zeus stalking your every move?
Having recently fallen from the graces of the supernatural police force known as Angel you are determined to unearth the shadowy forces you sense were working behind the scenes. As a young god wield lightning and cloak yourself in rain as you set up your own detective agency in a brutal city manipulated by demons, sorcerers and powerful deities.

Can you bring down trafficking rings and cults, protect yourself from assassins and expose the city’s corruption? What trouble are the other gods stirring and why are you being targeted by the elusive organisation known as the Nest of Snakes?

  • Take on supernatural cases to pay for your rent
  • Reinforce your combat skills with a gun, katana, conductive chains, or throwing knives
  • Develop an extensive network of allies or run the streets as a lone wolf
  • Interrogate ghosts, tail after werewolves and negotiate with ambitious humans
  • Twist your way around the law or uphold the founding values of the city
  • Play as female, male, non-binary, gay, straight or bi

Will you be a formidable avenger who paves a path of blood or a defender for the city’s many vulnerable?
Can you distinguish between your allies and enemies and expose the truth behind what plagues the city? Most importantly, will you survive the Nest of Snakes?

As always, thank-you for reading! I’m super nervous about this.

  • First blurb
  • Second blurb

0 voters

74 Likes
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There’s one thing I want to clear up. Are we an angel or a god? If we are a god then why were we working in an angel task force?

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Lovin this!!! Urban fantasies are things rarely done well, I find, and I’m looking forward to see how this goes!

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Thanks for reading Nathan. The taskforce is comprised of citizens from multiple species but is known as ‘Angel’ due to the role they play in society. It’s a name that evokes mixed feelings amongst different groups in the city.

The PC is a god, though one with limitations due to their youth and scars inflicted by Zeus. I don’t really want to spoil it at this point but they had a strong motivation for joining Angel and being kicked out after years of outstanding service isn’t something they’re getting over.

Does this help? I’ll give some more thought as to what needs to be said. Thanks!

3 Likes
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ARGH! THANK-YOU!
I hope this ends up being worthy of your time!

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…Is this set in Australia? :grin:

Shouldn’t they be known as Angels? It sounds kind of awkward. At least to me.

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Are you a fellow Australian?! Ha ha, it’s not a city anywhere in our world.
Though I am a Melbournian through and through.

The officers are known as Angels, the organisation as Angel. I would have written it as ANGEL but it jumps off the page somewhat alarmingly. Does that still seem awkward? If so, darnit. I’ll see what I can do.

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Okay that makes things a lot clearer😃 FYI I’m sad that I can’t pick both options in your poll. I think there both great ideas!

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This sounds interesting. What are the limitations to our powers? Can I call a storm and blast that guy that looked at me funny across the street to oblivion? Also, are we the son of Zeus? Why did you only list electricity-based attacks?

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Thanks ShadowForce!

To start with the power set is going to be very limited. In this world the power and immortality of gods is matched by the number of humans/sentient folk who revere them. So while you’ll have to start by supplementing basic electrical powers with compatible weapons (think of sparking blades and charged wires) there’s many opportunities to expand your worshipers/allies and level up with some very cool abilities. By the end you’ll hopefully have made choices that will see you on par with the Thunder God himself. Which brings me to your other questions…

As a child you were a bit of a rising star and gained a lot of attention because of the many traits you shared with Zeus (who is extremely well respected and resourced, even within divine society). There’s a few events dark events in your childhood that have damaged your reputation and when the story kicks off you’re at one of the lowest points in your life. Not that there’s much time to dwell on unpleasant memories with all the crazy going on.

You’re not the son of Zeus and that becomes a significant in the story because Zeus has a massive issue with fathers and sons/daughters. You’re going to have to settle things with him one way or another.

This is a massive information dump (sorry!) but the way I’ve layered it all out in the actual text is hopefully entertaining and structured well enough that it all makes sense. I can’t wait to share!

5 Likes
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@OrigamiPencil, you know would be a cool option?

To carry a random length of steel chain around with us wherever we go, that way, since we are limited in the beginning, we literally just whip that out and use it as a literal whip, only with electricity surging through it, of course.

A charged chain. Hell yeah.

Oh, and you’re welcome.

3 Likes
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This sounds amazing I love this games

1 Like
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Oh awesome! That’s where I was going with the weighted wire but that is 10/10 solid. They could be wrapped around your arms for storage and defence. Chains can hold weight too…

THANK YOU!

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Oh, uh, YOU’RE WELCOME.

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Better. A Kiwi :stuck_out_tongue:

That looks better to me. Like FBI or CIA. Acronyms are super official looking. You could put it to a vote though.

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Might be a very stupid question, but is Zeus a romance option later on? Just kinda feels that way with the unsaid emotions and all, then again I’m also getting this feeling of admired hero proven to be a phony vibe. Anyhow, even though it’s short, it did a great job with atmosphere and drawing me in

2 Likes
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Feedback–yesssss. Thank-you!

Trust me, there are no stupid questions unless I’m asking them. Zeus will never be a romance option because he has significant trust issues and there’s too much currently unrevealed bad blood between him and the PC.

Your relationship with him will have a significant impact on what happens in the future though, so once it’s all in the air it’s your choice whether to forgive or seek vengeance. ‘Phoney hero’ sums him up pretty well. It hasn’t been delved into yet but Zeus is heavily worshiped and the PC is one of the few who can see past it.

1 Like
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This seems really cool!

I love the urban fantasy feel to it all, and I like the way you’ve set up the intro- it feels like you’ve given the reader just enough information to care about what happens next while still retaining this whole air of mystery around it- which kinda helps in making us suspicious of ye ole Zeusy-boy because we don’t know quite what’s up with him and why we’re so paranoid about his presence, making the reader tense therein reflecting the MCs apparent emotions about Zeus coming around. (Which, I love the different reactions and interactions between Zeus and the MC so far, how it can range from regretful to edge of a fight.)

I also really like your writing style. You’ve set up a very strong voice with the MC and it flows nicely so far.

I don’t know if its just the name of the game plus the whole ‘mysterious stranger enters the room of a ragged, ex-(officer? Detective? Something to do with protection/law enforcement it sounds like.) with a dark past’ but this whole thing stands out as kinda pseudo-noir style. I like it. I also love urban fantasy so… yeah, looks neat!

Quick spelling error:
"The god loses shrugs, loses interest and moves on. Thank gods. "

Is that first loses supposed to be there?

Anyway, yeah! I’m looking forward to seeing where you go with this! Good luck!

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Ah, thanks for that pick-up! That loses was not meant to be there.

So you’re a fellow urban fantasy lover? Yes!

By the way, I can’t tell you how happy the label ‘pseudo-noir’ makes me. Seriously, thanks for your kind words. It really means the world when others share enthusiasm for something you’ve had many sleepless nights over. I’m terrible at judging my own work and the wall of silence had me worried that my work wasn’t even worth a bad review.

So thank-you.

1 Like
20

Godlike powers to play with? Supernatural power struggles? This looks like it could be a lot of fun. Keep it up! :smiley:

And as a Hindu (I see my gods turn up in vidya games more than I’d like), I’m grateful that you didn’t offer the choice to play as a deity from an existing religion.

Quick note—in one of the earlier pages, when you were describing Zeus’s appearance and clothes, you referred to his “black, polished hoes.” I’d recommend fixing this particular typo quickly.

1 Like