1.“He told you to be quite or you will get another dose of the stun gun.” should be quiet
2.“You’ve forgotten the time since your sole focus were getting” should be was
3.“You wonder if your sister would even help you.” another clear example of misusing tenses. there are (many) others but this one stuck out for me.
4.“the assignment was an easy job there for you concluded that you will not need the items” should be therefore also you should put a comma between job and therefore
5.“She huff her annoyance.” should either be huffs or huffed depending on which tense you choose
6.“The police officer instantly saluted Collena.” okay this might be my mistake, but since when do people salute people with badges? as far as i’m aware(and i might be wrong,in which case,my apologies)salutes are reserved for military personnel.
7.“I believe your three questions are up.” is said even if one of the three “questions” you pick is"I need to get my things" which is a statement not a question. I suggest rewording it.
8." I came to you for personal reasons." first: there shouldn’t be a gap between " and I second:unless it her reasons have nothing to do with business she should say something like “I sought you out personally”
9.“What am I in what?” should be “in what?” or “what?”
10.“Ginger followed, but she didn’t seat.” should be sit
11.“38.”, “39.” and “40.” shouldn’t be choices for age since the MC’s older sister is only 37
12.“Handkerchiefs that smells god awful.” should either be " A Handkerchief" or “that smell awful”
13.“Accuse the person of no telling the truth.” should be not
14."Last longer on computers than n HDD “Hard Disk Drive”. should be It lasts
15.“Can retrieve data much faster than a HDD “Hard Disk Drive”.” should be It can
also I have problems with the current version of the test:
A) It is REALLY long:
this could decrease re-playability for some, since this all happens before you can even get to working for them.
B) The questions imply that the player should have the same knowledge as the character:
this is a problem because it makes it about what YOU(the player)know rather than what your character knows, for some this isn’t a problem, but if the player wishes to distance him/herself from the MC or they want to try a certain play-style, then this can be detrimental. it also discourages replay as the players knowledge on the subjects is unlikely to increase between their first and second games.
C) You specifically mention
Rock Island Armory
Arcadia Machine and Tool.
Browning Arms Company.
Sauer & Sohn.
Swiss Arms AG.
this is (i think) a problem because you state:
"The characters, incidents and dialogues in this interactive fiction story are of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real.
Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental."
I have ZERO legal expertise, but(again i think)even without that disclaimer you would need permission from ALL parties involved.
I know I’ve thrown a lot of s#!t at you just now, but it is only meant as constructive criticism and is in no way/shape/form there to discourage or insult you. In fact I wouldn’t have taken so much time to go though this story’s faults if I didn’t see the potential in both your writing and your story’s premise.