Mate Bait Investigations (WIP)


#1

Title: Mate Bait Investigations
Genre: Slice of life, Mystery and Humour

Hello, this is still in the works, but I wanted to know the initial reactions of some people with the story theme. Feedback is welcome as long as it would help improve the story.

Synopsis:
Do you believe in love at first sight?

How about lust at first sight?

Do you trust your partner?

Fear no more. Mate bait shall answer those questions you have by simply testing your significant others faithfulness. No more guessing, no more worries, and definitely no more lies.

Mate bait shall uncover the truth because it’s now your job to catch those slimy good for nothing liars.

Demo Link:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/235658770/Mate%20Bait%20Investigations/mygame/index.html


Best WIPs - 2015
#2

Was wondering when we might see the whip. :slight_smile: Will try to look it over tomorrow.


#3

it is a in depth setup for you game that has a decent number of tidbits that requires a lot of knowledge to put in a game much less look up with part of it done for you great job there. the story so far was pretty good and i didn’t see anything that popped out at me as a error or mistype i was enthralled in it that when it hit the end i had stifled the urge to yell at my computer, so it does pull you in a little bit.

Drakeye: The Evil Eight


#4

you switch between past-tense and present-tense quite a bit. examples:
past-“To avoid being seen, you scrunched down inside the car.”
present-“you hold the camera and continue to snap pictures of Mrs. Baldwin with her visitor.”
past-“you kept snapping more pictures”
present-“The house looks so homey with its charcoal-slate-tiled roof, pristine ivory exterior, white and light blue shutters, a cobblestone walkway and some flower beds beneath the windows.”

that ALL happened on the first page.
i’m on the second page now(as of typing this) and it is still is switching between the two quite a lot.
you might want to go back and change the tenses to either all be past or all be present.


#5

was the combination of elliot and hunter for a name choice an intentional pun? cause if so i love you.


#6

Gotta say, I really like the concept.
There are some noticable grammar errors (I’m guessing your native language is not english?), but that is easy to remedy. Maybe someone would be willing to beta for you.
I also noticed that the narrator says that Ginger is their older sister and 37, so being able to set the protagonist’s age to above 37 doesn’t make sense.

I can’t wait to see what kind of situations the protagonist will have to deal with in their new job, so good luck on finishing this!


#7

1.“He told you to be quite or you will get another dose of the stun gun.” should be quiet

2.“You’ve forgotten the time since your sole focus were getting” should be was

3.“You wonder if your sister would even help you.” another clear example of misusing tenses. there are (many) others but this one stuck out for me.

4.“the assignment was an easy job there for you concluded that you will not need the items” should be therefore also you should put a comma between job and therefore

5.“She huff her annoyance.” should either be huffs or huffed depending on which tense you choose

6.“The police officer instantly saluted Collena.” okay this might be my mistake, but since when do people salute people with badges? as far as i’m aware(and i might be wrong,in which case,my apologies)salutes are reserved for military personnel.

7.“I believe your three questions are up.” is said even if one of the three “questions” you pick is"I need to get my things" which is a statement not a question. I suggest rewording it.

8." I came to you for personal reasons." first: there shouldn’t be a gap between " and I second:unless it her reasons have nothing to do with business she should say something like “I sought you out personally”

9.“What am I in what?” should be “in what?” or “what?”

10.“Ginger followed, but she didn’t seat.” should be sit

11.“38.”, “39.” and “40.” shouldn’t be choices for age since the MC’s older sister is only 37

12.“Handkerchiefs that smells god awful.” should either be " A Handkerchief" or “that smell awful”

13.“Accuse the person of no telling the truth.” should be not

14."Last longer on computers than n HDD “Hard Disk Drive”. should be It lasts

15.“Can retrieve data much faster than a HDD “Hard Disk Drive”.” should be It can

also I have problems with the current version of the test:
A) It is REALLY long:
this could decrease re-playability for some, since this all happens before you can even get to working for them.

B) The questions imply that the player should have the same knowledge as the character:
this is a problem because it makes it about what YOU(the player)know rather than what your character knows, for some this isn’t a problem, but if the player wishes to distance him/herself from the MC or they want to try a certain play-style, then this can be detrimental. it also discourages replay as the players knowledge on the subjects is unlikely to increase between their first and second games.

C) You specifically mention
Rock Island Armory
Arcadia Machine and Tool.
Armscor.
Browning Arms Company.
Sauer & Sohn.
Swiss Arms AG.
this is (i think) a problem because you state:
"The characters, incidents and dialogues in this interactive fiction story are of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real.

Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental."

I have ZERO legal expertise, but(again i think)even without that disclaimer you would need permission from ALL parties involved.

I know I’ve thrown a lot of s#!t at you just now, but it is only meant as constructive criticism and is in no way/shape/form there to discourage or insult you. In fact I wouldn’t have taken so much time to go though this story’s faults if I didn’t see the potential in both your writing and your story’s premise.


#8

@Lordirish I was debating to make this public or not actually. Then the first testers said
it was okay so I went ahead and posted it to see the reaction of those who
would play the game.

@Drakeye Thanks. I’m still testing this so if it’s received positively or good then I can post more for the public if not well only the tester will need to play a bit.

@blackrising Guessed right about English not my main language, but I’m doing my best so it’s still good. I have had some beta, but they are busy and some disappeared without notice, some didn’t respond to my PM and some declined.

Regarding the age thing you’re supposed to only be 30 of age so Ginger will be older if it goes beyond 30 then it’s my coding fault. Sorry about the age confusion.

Hopefully by the end of this year or mid next year I can finish this since I’m already at the half point in writing this game.

@AdamGoodtime I do have this weird thing about switching the past-tense and present-tense. It’s a flaw, but I do appreciate you pointing it out.

Elliot and Hunter for name choices are intentional.

Regarding this scene “The police officer instantly saluted Collena.” Police are supposed to salute to those with a higher rank. However, they don’t do it anymore because it’s always confused with the military. It’s on the police handbook and they do salute when it’s ceremonial, but on everyday things they disregard it. On the scene the police officer was flustered and panicked so saluted on instinct to Collena even if he wasn’t really required to salute that is why he also said your MC “Got lucky”

" I came to you for personal reasons." first: there shouldn’t be a gap between " and I second:unless it her reasons have nothing to do with business she should say something like “I sought you out personally”
– Sorry code error about the gap. Collena went to you for business even if she acts like it’s not.

“What am I in what?” should be “in what?” or “what?”
– Actually your MC is getting overwhelmed and I intended it to make it look like your MC stammered or perhaps got a little tongue-tied.

“38.”, “39.” and “40.” shouldn’t be choices for age since the MC’s older sister is only 37
– The age was supposed to only get 30. It’s a code error on my part since Ginger was only added after some chapters and then I forgot about the age. Sorry about the age confusion.

None of the previous testers said it was long so I didn’t think it was that long. That could be something I need to fix or think about.

Well the MC is you as the player so I don’t think it’s a problem at all. If the player wants to distance themselves to the MC that is something that I cannot do, yet? If the player does finish the game and acquired the Easter Bunny items they will get the correct answers for the stats build.

I already have the permission from Rock Island Armory, Arcadia Machine and Tool, Browning Arms Company and Sauer & Sohn. Only one more so no worries about that part. I do hope to get the other one, but if not then I need to change this question.

Thanks for the criticisms and no I’m not offended by it.

Thanks guys and hopefully I will fix the errors before the next update 素晴らしい一日みんなをお持ち


#9

but is the combination intentional? because when you put Elliot and Hunter together you get Elliot Hunter
= Mr. Elliot Hunter = Mr. E. Hunter = mystery hunter!


#10

Regarding the saluting; I’m really confused as to what the hierarchy is supposed to be here. Is Colleena a Private Investigator or an actual police detective? If she’s a PI, how does she outrank the officer and for that matter why does her boss have an office in the police station? If she’s a police detective, why is she involved in an operation designed to entrap people into infidelity?

That bit of weirdness aside, this is a pretty solid start. Your grammar is better than a lot of early drafts by non-native English speakers. I personally like the test format; especially the way you’ve balanced it with more typical stat mechanics. Being knowledgeable (or willing to google) gives some advantages, but there’s still the opportunity to burnish the stats the player wants in the followup questions.


#11

Slight issue with the question “How do you exit a program if your computer freezes?”: As of Windows Vista, Ctrl-Alt-Del no longer brings up the Task Manager. Ctrl+Shift+Esc is now the keyboard shortcut for the Task Manager.


#13

@AdamGoodtime Oh that…erm…no that wasn’t intentional. All the names given are all random. I basically went to the library and copied random author names then played darts at home. If the darts lands on a name then I included it if not then it’s not included.

@Wonderboy Private Investigators and Detectives are the same thing; some even call them inspectors in other places. Well in the country that I’m currently residing in we view the two jobs as the same.

The reason why she outranks the police officer is well I will list the police ranking:

Commissioned Ranks (Senior Rank or Highest Rank)
Commissioner
Deputy Commissioner
Assistant Commissioner
Commander (Dan Crooke is ranked here.)
Chief Superintendent (Ronald Becker is ranked here.)
Superintendent
Inspector (Collena Mason is ranked here as well as the other baits and your MC)

Senior Non-Commissioned Ranks
Senior Sergeant
Sergeant (The police officers are ranked here.)

Non-Commissioned Ranks
Senior Constable
Constable
Probationary Constable

That is the reason why Collena outranks the police officer guarding your cell. Dan Crooke has an office in the police station because he works for the police as well. It’s his privilege to have an office in the police station or he can move out. Thanks, in regards to the questionnaire I still need to change some of the questions since it’s still the first draft.

@BAPACop The question is for the older model of a computer. Hmmm I could mention that in the question to avoid confusion.


#14

Can I ask what country you’re residing in? In the US at least, PI’s are basically private citizens with no formal authority or backing from the state. A quick check on google and wikipedia confirms that it is the same in Canada, Australia, and the UK.

Obviously that’s not to say things aren’t different elsewhere, but I would guess a decent sized chunk of your potential audience is going to find the idea as unusual as I do especially since, judging by the names, the game seems to be set somewhere in the English speaking world. Some amount of background on what extra authority and responsibility PIs have in your setting would probably be useful.


#15

shame that it wasn’t on purpose. still, i can’t wait to play as Mystery Hunter the detective.


#16

@Wonderboy Australia and no we consider well in some parts in Australia PI, Detective and
Inspectors are the same thing. It really depends on where you live exactly.
Nope, the setting is in a fictitious country which will be mentioned later on.

“Some amount of background on what extra authority and responsibility PIs have in your setting would probably be useful.”

  • I have made mention to the requirement and what an investigator does in the game. Here are those:

Those who decide to become private investigators already have experience in a related field. Mostly they may have served in a branch of the military or worked as police officers.

On the other hand others have experience in crime-scene investigation or even surveillance. While this experience can be a big help in obtaining a private investigators license this doesn’t entirely replace apprentice training.

You do know the Modus operandi of every Investigators job. Often the job includes background investigations, surveillance and skip traces, or searches for missing people.

Rarely asked to investigate a perpetrator in an unsolved crime, and looking for proof that a spouse or partner is unfaithful. Investigators may also serve legal documents, notifying people of their involvement in legal proceedings.

@AdamGoodtime On a bright side it could be fate that my darts landed on those names.


#17

Given I’ve never been to Australian and am operating on a cursory google search and my own assumptions, I’ll take your word on how things work there but I’m still highly confused.

The blurb you quoted from your game suggests PIs function more or less how I’m used to thinking about them. They conduct searches, investigations, and surveillance for private parties and are occasionally employed by attorneys to serve court papers and the like.

A police detective, on the other hand, is an agent of the state charged with enforcing the law. They can make arrests, detain suspects, and can expect private citizens to comply with reasonable orders they give in the course of their duties. If PIs are considered “the same” as police detectives, do they have similar authority? Are they expected to function as law enforcement officers and if so how are those duties balanced with their duties to their clients?

Similarly, if PIs can order around uniformed officers, then are they also beholden to the chain of command? Could the commissioner, for instance, order the player to abandon a mate bait investigation to work on an unsolved murder?

If Crooke has an office at police HQ because he works with the police, does that mean he’s paid as a contractor by the government? And no one objects to him using that office to run a private, for profit business with a mission completely unrelated to law enforcement? Is anyone making sure he’s not billing hours to the police department that he’s actually spending on his side gig? Is this sort of arrangement considered normal?

Sorry if the above comes off as combative, as I really do genuinely think you have a promising start to your game. But the arrangement between Mate Bait and the police department seems both highly unusual and more than a little corrupt from my perspective. I can’t imagine I’ll be the last reader who comes away with that impression. If you’re telling me, instead, that it’s a perfectly normal and basically above board thing that your average citizen of Australia and/or your game setting wouldn’t blink an eye at, then I’d really like to see a more elaborate explanation as to how that arrangement works.


#18

I’m confused with some of the questions, but I will try to answer them as best as I can?

If PIs are considered “the same” as police detectives, do they have similar authority? Are they expected to function as law enforcement officers and if so how are those duties balanced with their duties to their clients?

  • Since they are the same so yes they also have the same authority. The only difference that I have observed and according to my police mates (slaves cough) PI or Detectives that do not directly work for the police has less chances of getting serious work. Whatever that means, also the pay is according to them is more compared to those who choose not to work for the police. PI or Detective who don’t directly work for the police force can arrest, detain and tell citizens to back off, but they will be swamped with paper works as to PI or Detectives who work for the police has less paper work. Again, whatever that means to the police that’s all they tell me.

Similarly, if PIs can order around uniformed officers, then are they also beholden to the chain of command? Could the commissioner, for instance, order the player to abandon a mate bait
investigation to work on an unsolved murder?

  • Who jumps the hierarchy of any jobs? I think everyone knows their place when they start to work even at school the hierarchy is followed. At work, to talk to boss you need to go through this people etc.
    In school teacher 1 is the senior teacher while teacher 3 is the newbie teacher etc. If the commissioner or chief orders it then why not? Or the better question is will you follow the command given that you would want to solve your mate bait case and If you don’t follow the command will that mean you will be fired?

If Crooke has an office at police HQ because he works with the police, does that mean he’s paid as a contractor by the government? And no one objects to him using that office to run a private, for profit business with a mission completely unrelated to law enforcement? Is anyone making sure he’s not billing hours to the police department that he’s actually spending on his side gig?

  • Before Dan even became a PI he formally holds a higher rank, but then decided to be demoted on his own and work as a PI. I wound not say contractor because he never left the police force at all. No one openly objected, but hints that the other police hates the group is already showing. Ronald at some point will explain about how money runs at the office.

Is this sort of arrangement considered normal?

  • In reality? Or fictitiously? If reality No (Heck I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole police force wants them out.) If fictitiously then Yes.

Corruption within the police is a little harder to show, but I do plan to show the bad and ugly side of it maybe some good sides as well. Of course if reality goes then as a citizen we would find the setting unusual as well, but fictitiously it’s a norm in their world at least.


#19

I finally got a chance to play this. I think it’s an interesting idea, but I do have some issues with the setting.

I think making it more obvious that this is a fictitious country, right from the start would help enormously. Because otherwise everyone will be assuming that it’s the US and there’s a lot of disconnect there for me.

I’d also suggest a slight setting adjustment and making it near-future sci-fi. Why is Mate-Bait so important? If it’s slightly futuristic, then you can have a lot more freedom to have fun with the idea. Is it because cheating couples undermine the fabric of society? Is it because mates are chosen for everyone and cheating is suggesting that this system where everyone is matched up is less than perfect and the computer dating algorithms are wrong. (Although in that case why’ve you no partner yet?). I think as things are the job doesn’t feel important enough, or personal enough. And why would you give up the chance to work for yourself and join an organisation?

I really, strongly disliked the questions I was asked, since that was testing my knowledge, not that of my characters. (And if I’d felt like it I could have just googled for the answers and got the result I wanted anyway). I’d have rather chosen my stats a different way.

BTW have you read http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-surprising-things-you-learn-as-real-life-private-eye/


#20

@Aera
I would add something in the opening before the game starts as I to was confused by PI status with the police. Here in the states they are very different then police, and more times then not have a bad rep. Just my two cents :slight_smile:


#21

I thought that they were called “Private” Investigators because they worked pretty much for themselves… Shows how much I know