This story is about a private investigator who takes a case offering a lot of money and is pretty easy to solve. And then gets involved in the power struggles of …well, powerful people.
Its my first attempt. Please try it and comment if you like or dislike it.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/145070398/w/m/index.html
I think this story is interesting. There are plenty of grammar issues but that can be easily fixed. It could use more details in between as I feel there were things missing, but it does seem to fit the story pretty well. I would like more of a background for the Mc but the way its going so far is as I said interesting. Cannot wait for the update.
I like it sounds intresting but I agree with spyfox259 we need more of a background for the MC but good work
It’s interesting but there is an astounding amount of grammar errors, the diction is low level, and it seems rushed. As of now I’d give it a 3
The very first choice sets the tone for the game. I didn’t like the three choices presented. I would be more likely to collect evidence, find out who the kid’s parents are and go to them, as opposed to try and sue children. So in that case I’m picking the nothing option.
The game is really railroaded. The choices seem inconsequential.
I don’t think we actually need much background to start with. It can be introduced when and if it’s relevant. I think this genre works well with a blank slate protagonist whose past is every bit as much a mystery as the cases he’s investigating.
I knew that the whole thing was suspicious, right from the start. I’d wanted to tell the people I went to meet that but there wasn’t the opportunity to do so.
You have an interesting idea for a double cross. The premise is interesting. I think you rush it too quickly though and in rushing it you kill any degree of believability or realism. What would most of us do when getting that phonecall? We’d consider it a hoax. What sort of real detective wouldn’t want to at least check their facts. You need a bit more of a build-up.
I agree with FairyGodfeather on background. It is better to have a vague background or something that the player can choose specifically so that the player gets to develop their own character for the game rather than being forced to have one that you made for us. Unless, of course, the entire game revolves around things that happened in the background or the background is in some way very important to the story. It is good to have something that gives a player something to build off of with a background, but you can definitely give a general idea. Just to be sure I’m clear, I’m thinking along the lines of Way Walkers where you are given that you are from a small village, but the specifics of the childhood are up to the player and aren’t actually in the game. It lets a person decide on a personality on their own rather than being given one.
If you’re so desperately in need of money why are you even renting an office? Wouldn’t it make far more sense for you to have your office and living space as one? Even if that means you’re sleeping on the couch in your office.
If we return, and try and switch on the light, only for it to not work and stare down at the floor to see the pile of final demands. If we are forced to go to our mother’s in order to eat because we can’t even afford food.
If we are completely down in our luck.
And then here’s a guy, saying he needs a favour, offering to pay handsomely for it, to give us enough money that we can get a decent meal, have the electric turned back on and not end up outside.
If we try to do research on our laptop only for the battery to die. (And no electric of course.)
Just push home the need for money.
And I think the request needs elaborated on. We should either be able to help find the woman, even if it’s planted clues we come across, or we should be able to ask a little more about why we’re wanted to do this.
Astounding amount of grammar errors, the diction is low level.-- Grammer never was my strong point but I tried to keep it free of them so if astounding amount still remain I would need help for that sorry…
Background of MC.-- In that case I suppose I could change the starting to something common to COG.com. ie MC is a kid and you choose how to deal with class bully and what’s the color of your hair, and where are you from. And then he grows up and all that. (Not something I would enjoy doing but still.)
Knew that the whole thing was suspicious, right from the start.-- One of my initial idea was that to start the story from when you are siting in car with Mac and going to client. And you remember how you accepted the case in flashback. That way you already accepted the case and has to move from there.
I can make an option of just not accepting the case but that would be problematic…
You rush it too quickly && missing details – Wouldn’t giving more details lead to some wall of text. I thought people hate it here.
As of now I’d give it a 3 – Is that out of 10 or 100. Or maybe its best if I don’t know that… 
The choices seem inconsequential.-- I had thought of this chapter as a prologue so, there aren’t world changing choices but I had thought that I had put enough consequential choice. Seems I was wrong…
If no-one objects I could implement all the advise in the last comment of @FairyGodfeather. I hope he doesn’t sue me for copyright.
wow that’s a lot of points. It seems I will be working on this chapter for a while and the work on second chapter will be delayed.
So what do you guys think. Anymore ideas.
I just offer advice to help, so feel free to take as much, or as little, as you please.
Writing a game is tough. It’s different from writing a short story. There’s a knack to it which needs to be learned so please don’t be disheartened by the feedback. You have the core of an interesting idea here, you just need to work out the right way to implement it.
What if you were to just have Mac and some goons strong-arm the main character? ‘Invite’ them into the vehicle and make it obvious they weren’t taking no for an answer. They want a quick job done, just for the main character to go to this location and say these things. If the MC refuses then they can offer threats. They’ll also mention how they’re willing to pay an extortionate amount of money for this small task. Of course you’ll be suspicious about it, but this time you really do have no choice about it. Forget the phonecall. Have the information delivered in the car. Or if you really want the phonecall have the phone handed over in the car.
It provides you with a similar set up, a similar lack of choice, but it’s more believable.
I think you can include more detail without it becoming wall of text.
I think I will go with your previous advise of Just push home the need for money.
Now I just need to figure out how much money should be offered to MC which would be an offer they can’t refuse without it looking unreal.
Thanks for the help everyone.
I think, if you make it an offer the main character can’t refuse, because they need the money you do need to rework the conversation on the phone a little. Allow for some more interactivity.
However, you already have Mac showing up if we don’t answer the phone and we’re forced to pick up. We’re guided into the car, regardless of whether we want to go or not. With a little tweaking you can make that feel less like railroading and more like plot.
It stops being I’m doing this really stupid thing and walking into a trap and more I’m being forced to do this and making the best of a bad situation and I hope they pay up or I can find a way to escape. Also if you’re forced into it, it makes escaping when you’re at the house make more sense.
But yeah also push home the need for money.
Also what happened in the past to mean that we are that broke? I suppose it could have been drunk all away, stolen by our brother, we could have lost it in a game of cards, or had it swindled from us by a pretty face. Maybe we took an injury on the job and ended up with huge hospital fees and being unable to work. Or we were promised a big payout and then doublecrossed. Or someone close to us needed our help to bail them out. Or taken in by a con-artist, a Prince(ss) from Nigeria, which is now why we work as a private eye. Or lost it all in the divorce. Ha! Sorry so many ideas. But being broke is good motivation.
Or maybe swindled while in a game of cards which promised a big payout by a pretty face pretending to be a princess from nigeria coming here after divorce, who was actually a con artist sent by our brother. Which leads to a drunk bar fight resulting in the injury and huge hospital fees and then someone bails us out.
You are great my friend.
I will rewrite the first part completely on the lines of
if we are completely down in our luck.
And then here's a guy, saying he needs a favour, offering to pay handsomely for it, to give us enough money that we can get a decent meal, have the electric turned back on and not end up outside.
And yeah the reason of being broke would probably involve your brother. maybe he stole it or maybe you had to pay back his debt or something.
Putting in divorce part would make people wanting their own background angry.
But really thanks you are full of great ideas.
Hahaha! Yeah perfect! I like how you think! Mush it all together! You should add zombies. 
That was just brainstorming, it’s what I do, a million ideas, some of them getting more and more ridiculous, write them all down!
I do actually think you get to tell the protagonist’s background. You can tell as much or as little of it as you like. Like you did with parents, brother. So if you want a grand tale of being divorced you could, and lovers from the past showing up to ask a favour only to doublecross you. But well whatever it is ties into the story.
Seriously though. The brother is a good reason and ties into what you’ve already written.
404 Dropbox error.
It seems dropbox automatically removes it after a while.
Haven’t posted the update yet.
Link should be working now.