Yeah, I get it. There will be irritating amount of warnings . And I do know how worse it is to loose someone to cancer lol Ava in a slightest way was me a long long back…
I’m sorry to hear this, sounds like you both had a close relationship, I lost my grammy with heart failure cause of some damaged nervous system (something, I didn’t wanted to know).
Lol nope MC has like a month left and lol it’d be a spoiler but the ritual failed cause MC was dying with cancer, MC gave up after all the struggles for years.
So, MC dying with a terminal cancer is the important part to the plot…
Hey guys, I’ve been writing a few projects recently for fun, and I stumbled on an idea that I’m actually really interested in pursuing further and turning into a full on game.
I don’t want to dive too deep into general lore because I’m hoping to introduce it more organically in the story, but I would love some feedback on general writing style, whether the game concept is interesting, and if there are places where you feel like there are choices you wanted to see and it didn’t happen.
Small plot summary
You are the only offspring of a prominent noble family in Luce Prima, when you are tested for high latent magical ability. In this world, magic is unlocked in individuals through highly traumatic or stressful events, dubbed an awakening. Due to potential conflicts in the future, high ranking officials decide to force awaken you through inflicting mental trauma. You overhear this plan ahead of time and run away, hoping to find a lead to awaken through untraditional methods. This leads you to a chase after the myth of the first mage and to the undiscovered secrets of magic itself.
Hey, thanks so much for testing and giving feedback so quickly @Beth ! In regards to your points:
1. Regarding the MC’s father, I think I might have given off the wrong impression? I meant to model his attitude more as uncomfortable around magic, but still understanding its usefulness and essential nature. Do you think his reaction is still strange with that insight? The point about resources and influence is really good, I didn’t think about it that way! I will mull over it a little and think about how to better represent and incorporate that into the story.
2. Regarding their reactions, that’s something I never thought of! It’s a little late here, but I made some pretty basic expansion on how the MC can react to them overhearing their father’s conversation (though they still end up having the MC run away) I would love to hear your reactions to the MC’s reactions!
3. Regarding the point about the other parent, I realized that some background information I had been thinking hadn’t been translated very well to the demo. I clarified some points on the MC and their family relations. I hope it helps makes certain things more clear or natural.
And above all, thanks for a quick response and the honest feedback! Please tell me if there is anything at all that still bothers you!
Similar to what has been raised, I also feel that the transition between finding out what the father planned, and running away, was over too quickly. For example - Would they confront their father first? Would it be a silent goodbye? Would they pen a letter? How would they feel as they leave? Is it an easy decision, or one made only because it’s necessary? I would really love an exploration of the internal monologue of the MC, and how it comes out in their actions, to establish their personality.
Also, not much time passes in between them running away and them being in the tavern. Not all MCs would have gotten over it yet so a reflection of their situation at this point can be good too - Otherwise, the jump from the emotional toll of running away to enjoying the tavern food/ the bard’s performance is a little bit jarring.
In the same vein, the friend seems to accept the idea that the MC had run away a little too casually. I’d think a friend would be really concerned about the revelation! Say, trying to probe more/show more concern for the MC, rather than seemingly simply brushing it aside to catch up with them.
Other than that, I really look forward to reading more!
/Edit: oh no the spoiler tags didn’t work the first time
Thanks for the quick and constructive criticism @Ellery ! It definitely seems to be a common point of feedback I’m getting regarding the pacing and how jarring it feels to toss contrasting scenes in so quickly, so I will 100% be looking into where I could slow it down and add more “filler” moments to better round out the story. Plus, it’s more worldbuilding opportunities for me!
Quick Responses
Regarding the friend’s reaction - since this was a quick demo I was writing for fun, some of the characters are very defined to a specific archetype. My original concept of the friend is to have them be someone that tries to the extreme to avoid talk of consequences or “unhappy things” - essentially a very extreme version of “live in the moment”. It would be meant to be their main character flaw. Do you think, with that understanding, that it would be more reasonable for them to brush it aside? The non-elaboration on the friend’s reaction was a deliberate choice on my end for the first draft, but I can see how it might feel a little strange, and I’m definitely not adverse to changing it!
As a side note, reception from you guys and my friends I’ve showed the demo to have been pretty positive so far regarding the concept itself, so I think I’m going to sit down some time this week and write out a story outline, map out a little more in detail how the plot will go, and fix more of the feedback I’m getting in the current demo. I’m pretty excited to work on this idea, so hopefully be on the lookout for a WiP thread getting posted in the future once I turn the story into something more concrete.
I don’t mind being bothered at all @Beth! Your enthusiasm is really encouraging to me lol, and anything helps me grow as a writer, even if its just little comments regarding how a certain passage makes you feel or think!
Regarding the points about the conversation
About the conversation between the father and Edgar, I think it’s another case of character visualization not quite matching what the demo presents. Marshal General is meant to be the highest military rank → so when the scene happens in the book, Adrian’s power and influence throughout the military and government means he already has a pretty clear picture of what could potentially happen. With that understanding, do you think the “unwelcome” phrase and the “thought it would be” part is more in line? I’m definitely going to think a little about how to make this more obvious to the reader though!
Regarding the points about the lack of reactions and some of the more "plotty" things
Sorry, I don’t actually have a very good answer for these! This demo was mainly written for fun and to get some ideas out of my head to destress, so there wasn’t an exceptionally clear execution on some of the details, so parts of the story seem a lot more barebones than the other. But since there seems to be some interest, I’m going to go back to the drawing board and plan out some more things, so hopefully I can get back to you about things like the reaction to the bard, or more immersion choices to better shape your MC at a later date .
But thanks a lot for the feedback on emotional states - making a note right now to expand on them more!
I’m pretty sure the interest check thread is only for actually seeing how people would feel about a story being written. Once there’s a demo, it belongs in the WiP category, so that this thread doesn’t get too cluttered or off topic.
Here’s how you can make a new topic in the WiP category:
Hey, I have had this idea for a game ever since I discovered CoG and the forum(like in late 2016 lol). I tried my hand in coding it but never really finished the prologue(there’s just ⅓ of it done and it’s been left sitting there for 2 years). Plus the scope of the project was too much that I’ve shelved it for another form of medium or if I grew better at coding and not procrastinating.
Original Idea
The original was that the MC was a newborn heir to the Water Kingdom(I had not decided on a name yet, plus there’s a lot of world stuff that would cause me to go on a tangent), but due to suspicions and allegations that the Water Kingdom had a hand in the assassination of the Fire Kingdom’s heir, the Fire Kingdom sent a witch to kidnap and kill the MC. And depending on the choices the baby MC makes during the prologue, the MC either gets taken in by the Witch as her child or is handed over to the Fire Kingdom guard who takes pity on you and adopts you. (As you can see, that’s a big order to do for someone with little to no coding experience)
Basically, the Witch route would have you more freedom to explore the world and secrets. You could either involve yourself with royal politics(whether it be aligning yourself with either of the 4 element kingdoms, the rebels, or the fae etc.) or you could just become a bard/scholar/wanderer or co-own a bar in the Earth kingdom.
While the Fire route would have you much more involved, with more control, in royal politics(which is extremely messy as all politics are). You could discover secrets of each element’s kingdoms, become the advisor/retainer of the current Fire Heir, or become the ruler of the Fire Kingdom, unite the kingdoms or destroy each one entirely.
And as you can see this is a lot. And I know it’s a lot. This is why this original project has been shelved, but not forgotten.
Recently I had an idea for a smaller scale interactive novel project, involving this premise but with a twist. Where instead of being the water baby heir, you would be their sibling from the Witch Route.
In the original plan, if you were to go in the Witch Route, there’s a character named Goggles, who would be your sibling(Also kidnapped-then-adopted as the Witch’s own child).
Goggles was a character without any of the elemental powers, which is quite common in this world. In fact, the Witch doesn’t have natural elemental powers, something only ‘royal’ folk has and fae has; the Witch uses ritual items to direct magical energy within them to do magic. Everyone has magical energy, but it isn’t as potent as ‘royal’ folks(due to inbreeding, but actually everyone should have the power to control all the elements the reason why many don’t outwardly have magic is that its meant as a shield and a form of protection against magical creatures but because of the constant inbreeding within nobles for that specific elemental power, most nobles cannot do other magic without dire consequences and even with their element power, it can cause harm to their own body due to the lack of magical balance).
But unlike others in the world, Goggles has no magical properties whatsoever, which has caused them to find other means to take on the world(and get out of their magically inclined sibling’s shadow and win the affection of their adopted mother), through the art of inventing. The plan was to have Goggles invent steampunk-esque gadgets. But if Goggles were to become the MC, their skills would branch off differently. (Like Medicine, New Fighting Techniques, bombs, etc.) The player would have to explore this heavily magic-centric world as a magicless person.
TL;DR
Would people rather play a big scale project(most likely in a different interactive medium than CoG, most likely in a similar vein as Loren the Amazon Princess, and would take more time to create) with a Chosen One character in a fantasy setting with a lot of choices and routes with more freedom?
Or
Would you rather play a smaller scale fantasy-based project(most likely as CoG/interactive novel project) with a magicaless underdog in a magic-filled world? There would be less freedom and follow a more linear, less flexible path.
Which one should I do?
Chosen One Adventure (Large Scale Project/Different Medium)
I don’t want to scrap my original idea(as it plagues my brain to this day), but I know it would take a long time to make plus it can be overwhelming at times. Perhaps if I make it smaller the little voice in my head will stop nagging me about this world and the characters I’ve created when originally planning the project.
maybe start small first- get a feel of what you’re going for, then do the big one after? Or do the big one, and use the small one as a distraction or side project for when you get stuck on the big one.
I have a question for the small scaled one- will we get to customize our MCs? I prefer that over set Mcs -_-
Yup! That’s the plan if it’s a small scale project, ‘Goggles’ is just the placeholder as that was my original name for them. You can customize your own MC(Hair, eyes, names, sex, gender, sexuality etc.), I prefer to personalize my characters too. But for some who don’t like to customize, my original design for ‘Goggles’ would be the default.
I’m also planning ROs but considering the size of my original project I’m probably gonna cut a bunch of them down.
Also in comparison to my original project… Uhh, this ‘small scale’ project would be either half or a third of that size, which is still quite a sizeable amount but would be easier planned out and written/coded. I was way too overzealous and wanted to put everything into my original project.
I’m pretty keen on the underdog story but ultimately, it really depends greatly on which story you ‘feel’ more strongly for.
Though, just my two cents: at first glance, the original ideas you had for the Witch route and the Fire route seem like they will be vastly different right from the get go. Each of the two routes could take up the plot of an entire book. And each plot will need unique branching; different challenges. Maybe even different characters or ROs, or a difference in the way they will react to you.
This is… not something I will recommend, because you might find yourself having two different stories packaged in one book.
Yeah, I completely understand, the size of my original idea is way too big. I tend to be way too ambitious which leads me to be overwhelmed then just avoiding the project altogether.
I was also thinking of just separating the two routes and just keeping the Witch Route, but there was already a lot I wanted to keep and add. In the end, I kept taking long breaks in between writing.
Mostly I just want an outlet for these characters, so I don’t mind just scooping the characters and world from my original project and plopping them into a new story.
Plus ngl Goggles(I should probably stop referring them to Goggles if they’re the new MC) is one of the characters from my original project I come back to a lot, playing with a lot of different personalities and situations and so on. However, since they were going to be mainly a Witch Route character, so if the player was headed down the Fire route they wouldn’t appear as much if at all.
So it’s nice to know people prefer the underdog story over the Chosen One story. Or perhaps everyone was just being realistic with their expectations unlike me with my original plan. Which is valid.
sounds very intriguing! everything related to magic is my favorite topic! people are always attracted to the unknown and something beyond human understanding. This is why this theme has always aroused very ambiguous feelings in me! I like it, I hope there will be a full sequel!
Ooo your WiP sounds interesting! I hope to see it one day :))
Also, I haven’t heard of 7kpp, but I’ll be sure to check it out.
I also don’t like limiting the player, but you can only do so much in games sometimes. I really like games where you can replay it again and have a completely new experience.
That’s similar to something I had planned in the original idea, especially with the two possible adoptive parents, the Witch and the Guard(or Tincan as the Witch lovingly calls him), the MC could have. Ahh I just want to gush about the two, because they have history that’s extremely messy and juicy. That history causes their desire to adopt and raise the baby MC.
And they would have both called the other out on it on both routes. Both vilifying the other. The Witch has more choice words to say about Tincan.
Cuz she’s just that kind of person lol.
But being able to raise the MC would help mellow and humble them a fair bit, while the other wallows in the past.
O H ? That’s a really cool thing, something I know some people would do lol.
I had thrown a similar idea around, especially on the Fire route and the kindgom’s seedy politics. While on the Witch route, that character wouldn’t care as the Witch!MC isn’t someone they consider to have power in the kingdom. In fact, they would be a big asshole.
I have a lot to say and talk about the characters, the people, the different races, and the world itself and how magic functions in the world. But I literally tried to but I swear it took me hours to write it here and try to summarise my ideas but in the end, I just deleted it those blurbs cuz I’ve spent way too long on writing them and have tried to cut them down and there’s a lot of details missing that I wanted to put lol. So I’ll just stick to quote/replying lol.
Yeah the RO’s I had planned(I even wanted to add ‘secret ROs’ but there’s already a lot of ROs planned so uhhh probably best not to do that at least rn), tho the majority were bi, there are some ROs I planned that you could only date for in specific circumstances and depending on the choices you make.
RO Examples being:
Goggles was one of them if you were able to befriend them in the Fire Route(Which I intended to only be done if joined the Rebels as a spy/double spy; I was and am still on the fence whether the player could romance them in the Witch Route considering they’d be technically your adoptive sibling and I’m not sure if people would be too inclined with that part)
Prince Lucias(the new water heir replacement) would have been only romanceable if you either didn’t know you were the original heir and/or discovered the Water Kingdom’s secret where you find out that the MC and Lucias aren’t really related
The player would have been given an opinion to start a romance with Lupa(A rebel girl) as any gender but she would then realise she’s straight, so only male!MCs could continue romancing her
Glynn, a petty elven thief turned into a Robin Hood figure and right-hand man(more so co-leader at this point) of the Rebel Leader She is a transwoman trying to balance her gender dysphoria and respect as a trusted leader of the Rebels despite her past and elven heritage. Her true name Guinevere although she goes by Glynis as well. You can only romance her successfully if you support her and validate her gender identity. (Warning: Transphobia) I had planned to give the player the choice to repress her true selfwhich will only end badly..
These were(are?) some of the planned ROs
Although with the og Goggles, I’ve already had their heritage in mind; but not with the MC!Goggles, so that would be interesting. Especially with the question of why did the Witch kidna- I mean adopted them?
Also if people are wondering why Goggles is named Goggles, The Witch has unique naming taste, she’s the type of person to name a Raven, Crow and Wolf, Dog. Basically, the original plan was whichever talent/skill the og MC and have the Witch name them after that. (eg. Good at fire magic? You shall be dubbed Soot. Good at earth magic? Your name is Tree now.) Good at inventing? Goggles. But you’d and still will be able to customise your preferred name that the majority will know you as(except your sibling and your Mother)
Although there is a high chance if I am going to focus on the Underdog story that a lot of elements would be transferred from my original plan(Mostly from the Witch Branch of the story).
As technically the characters would be the same, if not slightly altered.
The main difference would the og MC would be an actual set character, while Goggles would become the MC that the player can customize and control(and woo ROs).
Although the og MC would still be considered the ‘chosen’ one and still the kidnapped heir to the water kingdom. The plot would revolve around Goggles, a magicless person with a talent for invention going through this magic-centric fantasy world. Tbh I’m still debating if I want to diversify MC! Goggles’ talents
Also, I can’t really see who voted what for some reason but I’m glad you’re interested in the Chosen One story!
Hmm if I’m able, I’ll try to finish up the original project’s demo(cuz I have more work done on it), but just until the main split, then create a quick demo for the underdog story. I’ll probably just post them on here because rn I don’t feel ready with the commitment of opening an original thread.
When the body from a months old missing persons case is found, you discover that this is just one of several victims from a recent string of unusal cases. Immerse yourself in this urban fantasy crime novel as a necromancer and use your magic to bring peace to the dead that only you can see and hear.
Features:
Play as female or male.
Lite RPG mechanics.
Invest XP into your areas of expertise and necromancy skills.
. And I do know how worse it is to loose someone to cancer lol Ava in a slightest way was me a long long back…
I clarified some points on the MC and their family relations. I hope it helps makes certain things more clear or natural. 
(gotta love that childhood friend romance sorry).
Marshal General is meant to be the highest military rank → so when the scene happens in the book, Adrian’s power and influence throughout the military and government means he already has a pretty clear picture of what could potentially happen. With that understanding, do you think the “unwelcome” phrase and the “thought it would be” part is more in line? I’m definitely going to think a little about how to make this more obvious to the reader though!