First I want to say, what you have is good and I’m interested to see where you’re going with this. While a majority of what I’m about to say is likely me just nitpicking, I feel it may be helpful in some way.
First, I noticed you had several sentences that were something like this:
“Why are you asking me such a thing?” You asked.
I assume that whatever program you’re using automatically capitalizes after punctuation, because the capitalization of “you” is wrong, and I noticed that you know enough of how dialogue and quotations work to not capitalize after commas in quotations, or putting periods in quotations (which I noticed is a mistake A LOT of people make). Just in case that assumption is wrong, or for those who may not know, any time you have punctuation in a dialogue (question or exclimation) capitalization outside said quotation is not necessary unless you’re saying a name, using I, or starting a new sentence. For example:
“Martha, what do you think you’re doing?” I questioned.
I’m making cookies!” she replied. “They’re my famous butterscotch cookies. Would you like one?”
Another thing, I already know a question is being asked, but I didn’t know by who. And by saying her name, the reader knows who I’m speaking to. Unless Martha and myself are not the only people in the scene, reiterating that I asked and she answered is excessive. Unless you’re in a scene with three or more people and you’re jumping from person to person, saying who is speaking over and over again gets a little messy.
Second, sentences like this:
“Son of a …,” he cries, drawing his hand in, sharply, “something bit me.”
This can be broken into two sentences. For example, you could say:
“Son of a…” he cries, drawing his hand in sharply. “Something bit me.”
Also, adding the comma between “sharply” and “in” can be removed. Commas are there to remind the reader to take a pause or a breath, like periods. A majority of your sentences are broken up with commas in attempt to stop run on sentences. Even with the commas, they’re still run ons.
What you wrote can be broken up. And breaking up one sentence with a long mess of…information was straining. Simply put, don’t do it. My rule of thumb, end quotations at the end of a name or the first comma unless the sentence sounds better not being broken up. For example, don’t do this:
”This right here,” I said, “is not right.”
Instead:
“This right here is right,” I said.
I noticed someone mentioned earlier, you use A LOT of commas. And, to be fair, commas are great. I love them! But there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing”.
A majority of your commas are for inserting information that is ultimately unimportant to the reader, or for some…additional words. Most of it can be broken up into smaller sentences, even if that sentence is one word. I know in English class they tell you not to do it, but that’s usually only applied to formal writings such as an essay.
For example, you could write this:
The town was quiet. Too quiet. I didn’t like it. Nothing about this seemed normal. I was gonna get stab in some dark alley before the night was over.
This is especially OK if you want it to sound like someone is actually talking. A lot of people talk in broken sentences. I know I do.
I hope you take this advice into consideration, and I hope it helps. Again, what you got is good. Keep up the good work!
