Interesting start. You had me at this 
Couple of typos for you
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I like the expanded introduction. We still donât know much about MCâs master, but I like we get a peek into what MCâs daily life is like when they arenât running after loans. I also want a horse for the MC now. 
Typos and other stuff
The bucket at your feet sways dangerously, when you accidentally brush against, but doesnât fall over.
The âwhen you accidentally brush againstâ part makes this sentence awkward â perhaps reword it or combine this sentence with the previous one.
Especially since the said shoe belongs to a man of fifty-five summers, who just happens to be the owner of the house you are cleaning.
I think you should remove the comma.
People, who share your cursed magic, often find themselves in occupations where death rates are high and life standards low.
Remove both commas.
Others joining the mercenaries.
Perhaps just âjoinâ would be better here.
You hear your master say, trimmed moustaches on his face going up and down as he speaks.
âMoustachesâ should be âmoustacheâ.
Your master sighs, before gesturing to someone outside your field of vision.
Remove comma.
Zaria courtesies.
Zaria courtesies again.
Should this be âcurtsiesâ? It does seem âcourtesiesâ used to be an archaic term for âcurtsiesâ, but you might want to change it to the more modern form.
Play your strengths accordingly.
Should this be âplay to your strengths accordinglyâ?
You trail after the two deities down the hall past the many closed doors and precious vases into the open.
Needs a comma after hall, perhaps add a comma after vases and add âand out into the openâ otherwise âthe openâ seems more like an adjective than a noun.
In the haze of the morning, the horizon is coloured orange, the meadows all around you dark and almost eerily still.
Remove comma after morning.
The grey horse pushes against her shoulder with his nose and she giggles, before petting him.
Remove comma.
From the corner of the eye you catch a small woman, sitting cross-legged on the porch of the house, fingers combing though thick beard.
Perhaps add a pronoun here â âthrough her thick beardâ.
She waves at you cheerfully, before fading to nothing.
Remove comma.
But I canât tell you much more, because somehow he failed to provide us with details.
Zaria says this, but when we ask about the Carpenter she gives us the details about him needing the money for his wifeâs medicine.
Zaria pursues her lips.
âPursuesâ should be âpursesâ.
Itâs been a while, since you were this close to someone.
Remove comma.
âLife doesnât give you warnings,â Simarg replies.
Make this its own paragraph.
A beat. Then, âDid you nickname this horse Horse?â
Simarg doesnât call the horse anything or bring up the nickname previous to this, so Iâm not sure how the MC knows he nicknames the horse âHorseâ or why theyâre bringing it up.
Your guards lock eyes in a contest, engaging in a silent conversation, you canât follow.
Remove comma after conversation.
âJust stand there and leave the rest to Zaria,â master has said, when informing you of your role. âMaybe do a chant or two, if you feel that the situation calls for it.â
The master doesnât say that in the expanded introduction â youâll probably want to edit what you previously had written so everythingâs consistent and thereâs less redundancy, like when it seems youâre introducing Zaria and Simarg again for the first time.
Looking forward to the other routes. 
2 Likes
@VainCorsair You are a live savior. Which earns you the right to know that
Yes, he is. Canât say that holds true for the rest of the household.
@Sethopotamus Hey, thatâs awesome to hear! Simarg deserves some love it might help with his moods Hope he wasnât too growl-y or anything~
@Jacic I suspect you will like one of the upcoming missions then 
@expectedoperator Point! Will go through the text again and see, what should be removed.
Donât know about a horse, but you will get a chance to accept an animal into your life ⊠OR not.
Commas are the bane of my existence
So this dude supposedly lives in people's houses
Went with the last version, because there will be enough hairy creatures as it is.
Did you know, he also has a cousin bath spirit?
EDIT: Demo with fixed typos uploaded. Lady Lech is waiting âŠ
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Oh god, this is sooo good! Iâve noticed a few typos and misspelled words though. Iâll play through it again a few times when I have the chance and bring them up to you.
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Thanks!
That would be awesome!
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Really enjoyed the demo. Very much looking forward to more of this one!
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@Bella_Morte 'S awesome to hear that. Thank you!
Food for thought: How often do people like to hear/read about progress? Do you prefer radio silence until the demo is updated or would you rather heard what is going on with the story?
Even if this means reporting I am still working on lady Lechâs branch, because she has apparently decided she wonât be just another minor character. And somehow gained a servant named Nikolai, who was not part of the plan.
On one hand itâs really nice to know where an authorâs at and how theyâre advancing, I always enjoy reading about their progress. I think itâs expecially nice when we also get a peek at their process w/ writing and stuff.
On the other hand I feel like sometimes I get excited about potential updates when theyâre⊠not.
If you want to post about progress even when youâre not ready for updating I say go for it! Itâs always nice to know whatâs going on.
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I honestly canât wait to be powerful and crush all my foes in this game dreamy sigh
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Oh, I love this! Folklore & mythology really interested me when I was younger (I think I even made a list of Bogeyman equivalents from around the worldâŠ) so this premise alone is fulfilling all my childhood dreams! Other notes: Your dialogue flows really well, I fell in love with Zaria the second she decided to stand up while on horseback, and this looks like itâs going to be a wild ride. 
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Ditto!
Is there a Slavic version too?
Oh thank god.
Good to hear! I wasnât sure about leaving this scene as it is, because it came out of nowhere, so.
You know it!
P. S.: Originally Zaria was to be more prim and proper type of a lady, but she turned into this really graceful horse-loving gall, ready for both rolling in the mud and owning a dance floor, if thatâs required of her.
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Well, thereâs the always-delightful Baba Yaga and her two-legged hut! Some googling gives me the vodyanoy, who seems a charming fellow. Described as a ânaked old man with a frog-like face, greenish beard, and long hair, with his body covered in algae," he wanders along the river and drowns people when heâs in a bad mood, which seems to be constantly.
He has cousins, the vodnĂk water spirits. They have gills and algae-green skin, and collect the souls of the drowned in porcelain teapots. (They have a weakness for the souls of beautiful people.) They like to play cards and wear old-fashioned hats in their spare time.
Source: This awesome list, which is sadly way cooler than the one I came up with as a child.
I love her already and Iâm excited to see more of her!
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Ooo, Iâve never heard either of vodyanoy or vodnik before. I suspect they would be called something like waterman in my country. Going by their names alone they seem to be both connected to water.
You know what, Iâm just gonna add them into the story. Thanks for Googling them for me 
Btw, that is truly a great list!
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I like to hear about the progress. Itâs fun to see what weâll be doing or who weâll be interacting with next â where before I was just waiting for the next route, now Iâm looking forward to meeting Lady Lech and Nikolai! 
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I am no editor, so if anyone thinks that any of my corrections are wrong, please do point it out. Thanks.
Corrections
Delete. (unless the plural is intentional.)
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No reason for this to be here. Delete.
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A âhoweverâ could work here.
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Comma.
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Delete.
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Delete.
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âFrom the eggshell grew a treeâ
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Comma.
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âIt is said thatâ
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Delete.
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This is a tricky one cause at the start you used âThe Beginningâ, both words capitalized and in italics, which implies that thatâs what the following event is known as. But later you call what I assume is the same event, âthe Creationâ. So 1) either drop the capitalization on âThe Beginningâ but leave the italics only on âTheâ (i.e. the beginning) OR 2) change it so that the same word is used on both, with the correct capitalization.
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âtapping of finely made boots against the floorâ Also, you say âbootâ, but then you say âshoeâ.
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âSaid shoes (or boots, whichever it is) belong to your master, a man ofâŠâ etc.
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Is he our master or our employer? (or maybe both???)
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Delete. Thereâs no need for this to be here unless it has some sort of deeper meaning. Cause it sticks out like a sore thumb.
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âIn the end, it all comes down to choice, something your kind doesnât have much of.â
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Comma.
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Delete space.
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Comma.
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Delete.
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âwarm-lookingâ
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Comma.
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Delete.
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Comma.
This is not all of it. Frankly, this took far longer than I expected, so Iâll dig out some more once I have time.
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Thanks @joe_g7! This is really helpful! Some of that are stylistic choices, but the rest will be fixed as soon as possible.
Commas are my weak point, it seems.
Thatâs what I was thinking too. Hm.
You are not the only one whistles
3 Likes
This topic was automatically closed 60 days after the last reply. If you want to reopen your WiP, contact the @moderators.
Opened as per author request
Hiya all! Iâm back with a slightly longer demo than before 
Iâve added the scenes for the merchant and the village chief (which admitedlly contains some dead ends, so be careful~). Iâd very much like to write something smart, but it is very early in the morning where I am, so Iâll save you the trouble and say only:
- âHelloâ to all the new readers.
- âGreat to see you againâ to anyone who has dropped by before.
Nighty night!
42 Likes
I like the fight in here. I had kinda of a hard time reading through the name and the lore at first but is probably my sleepiness night speaking.
1 Like