When I first started reading I didn’t know if I’d like it or not – I’m not a big zombie fan (and I’ve only played the demo of Zombie Exodus quite awhile ago) and I normally prefer MCs with blank characters to fill in for roleplaying – but this was a lot of fun.
I really enjoyed the characters and the flow of the story. I liked how the MC Mara is really only focused on her and Marcus surviving using her con skills, but she ends up with a “caravan of exiled” anyway. I also liked how, even after Mia dies, she still has a presence in the story. It really helps to show how important she was, and I hope we’ll be able to talk about her with Marcus some more.
I thought the humor was great (like how MC Mara seems to freak out more and more over Moses’ smell, and her thoughts about everyone else in general) and helped highlight the horror of this apocalyptic setting by contrasting with the seriousness of it. I really like how there’s mystery elements to the story, too, like that phone call or the scroll. I also think the character opinion and quest diary section of the stats page add a certain polish to the story overall.
Right now my only complaints are that sometimes it’s hard to keep track of who is who – sometimes characters are introduced without really an explanation, and sometimes they’re introduced/have a scene but then disappear from the narration altogether before reappearing chapters later. Maybe MC Mara could spend a line here or there thinking about those characters just to reemphasize who they are. Also, even knowing this is supposed to be a more-linear fanfic, there were parts where it was just pages and pages of narration without any choices which lessened the fun.
Here’s some typos and grammar stuff I saw – I’ll point out more later if this helps.
Suburban Chipper ridge…
Is this a ridge called “Suburban Chipper” or is this a suburban section called “Chipper ridge”? If it’s the former I would capitalize ridge so it’s “Suburban Chipper Ridge”. If it’s the latter, maybe have it as something like “The suburbs, Chipper Ridge”.
The skyline of Night city feels empty and standard, a small town drown in the last urban crisis, in a cloud of corruption and pyramidal schemes.
The “city” after “Night” should be capitalized, “pyramidal” should be “pyramid”.
You observe the traffic crawls over the dirty snow.
Add “as it” after “traffic”.
Meanwhile, The news of the radio can’t shut up about this new virus affecting China and Australia.
“The” should be lowercase.
leaving you with a nephew with 8 years.
Combine this sentence with the previous one by turning the period before “leaving” into a comma.
And you need 25.000 ddolars to pay Mia treatment and hospital fees.
“ddolars” should be “dollars”. Having the period in the number might be confusing, though – I know it’s correct, but to me it reads as if you only need 25. Perhaps if you write the number out as “twenty five thousand” you can sidestep the problem entirely – you can also don’t need to write dollars in that case, either. So it’d be “And you need twenty-five thousand to…”
Also, “Mia” should be “Mia’s”, and since this is the first time Mia is brought up, you might want to say who she is in this paragraph.
You just put Deep Purple all volume while you drive furiously in your killing your emotional breakage with the thundering throttle of the German sport card you obtained in a con.
I’d remove “just”, change the “all” to “up to full”, put a comma after “furiously”, and remove the “in your”.
The song whasing away your fears until the suburb become a blurred background for your black sedan to burn.
“whasing” should be “washing” although it might sound better as “washes”, maybe put “past” after “burn”.
The lights of the police car return you to reality…
Remove the extra period.
As a criminal, being detained is not an option more if you have to be at home to take care of Marcus.
I’d remove the comma after “criminal”, put a comma after “option” and “so now that” after “more”, and remove “if”. Also, you might want to mention that Marcus is the nephew once again.
You detained your car.
I’d change “detained” to “stop”, and perhaps combine this sentence with the next one – just turn the period to a comma and have “Preparing” be lowercase. Also, “mentaly” in the next sentence should be “mentally”.
A middle age man hops from the police car with a strange off swag.
I’d remove “off” here.
Like lost, a freaking shiver in his hands and you see flesh blood in his uniform shirt.
“in” should be “on”, and perhaps remove “Like lost,” and move the “you see” to the front of the sentence so there’s more direct emphasis on the blood and what’s in his hands (“You see a freaking shiver in his hands and fresh blood on his uniform…”). Also, is “shiver” supposed to be “shiv”?
However, You can see any injury on him.
“You” should be lowercase. I’m not sure if the MC can see an injury or not (since the cop mentions a bite later on), but if she can’t then “can” should be “can’t”.
Opening the window with a innocent smile and a flirty coy winking The cop smiles back but something is off
Add “You” before “Opening”, make “Opening” lowercase, “winking” should be “wink”, add a period before “The” and after “off”.
“Are you okay agent?” you say using your acting skills
This option and the one after it need a period at the end.
Offering him a deal…
Perhaps turn this into “I’ll offer him a deal…”
It is just a scratch a weird drug dealer just bite me. Nothing important and I have dealt with him" he smiles at you However young girl you were faster than the limit…. I can’t let you go…"
Add a quotation mark at the beginning and before “However”, a comma after “scratch” and “him”, a period after “smiles at you”, a comma after “However” and “girl”, remove the extra period after “limit”.
“Oh, my god you are shaking sir… Let me help you and call an ambulance” you say faking a panic and grabbing your smart phone.
Add a comma after “ambulance” and “say”.
He is a drug addict so no way he will let you call and risk been caught with the shakes…
Since the MC doesn’t know for certain he’s a drug dealer, perhaps add an “if” at the beginning (“If he is a drug addict there’s no way he…”), remove the extra period at the end.
He shouts at you with a fierce anger on his eyes a scared animal lurking on there craving to obtain drug
“on” should be “in” (“fierce anger in his eyes”, “a scared animal lurking in there”), add a comma after “eyes”, maybe pluralize “drug”, add a period at the end of this sentence and the next sentence as well.
Your middle class home is exactly same every single one on the street one flat a backyard and a well kept lawn.
Add a comma after street. Not sure what “flat” means in this sentence but it looks like you’ll want to put a comma after “flat” and “backyard”.
The mediocrity middle ground that is the only
“mediocrity” should be “mediocre”, remove “is the”.
charming smile and a blinking of a eye.
The “a” before “eye” should be “an”.
Some calls people like you leeches, seductresses, con artists.
“calls” should be “call”.
With years you have noticed that the merriment you have given them is far more the money you have con from them.
“con” should “conned”.
Snowy lawns like in a Christmas postcard.If weren’t May.
Add a space between these two sentences.
This snow is not helping improving your mood,
“improving” should be “to improve”, the comma after “mood” should be a period,
Add a space after “warming!”, perhaps change “snowing” to “This snow”
Mia and his only son.
“his” should be “her”.
She wants me to care for Marcus…
“me” should be "you, remove the extra period at the end.
Both are your only family and the only people you can trust.
I would move this sentence to before “She hasn’t been okay lately…” so that, just as the sister’s cancer is a sudden end, it also ends the paragraph as well.
You don’t lost time in grabbing your personalized Colt Python being a woman of means you have to be ready for nasty business.
“lost” should be “lose” – not sure if you should put a colon or a hyphen after “Python”.
“I have to track and discover what is happening. Marcus is about returning home”
This option and the one after it need a period. Maybe change “is happening” to “that was”.
“Maybe I should wait and calming myself. Sure is nothing”
“calming” should be “calm”, perhaps change “myself” to “down” and “Sure is” to “I’m sure it’s”, and add a period after “nothing” – So it’d be: “Maybe I should wait and calm down. I’m sure it’s nothing.”)
Tracking even your more subtle movements,
“Tracking” should be lowercase.
in Tijuana, like an eternity ago the wise woman, that helped you and your sister as child, had always told you have the gift of foreseen and the eyes of devil.
“child” should be “children”, “foreseen” should be “foresight”, add “the” before "devil. You might want to reword/split the sentence so there’s more of a lead up to the wise woman’s words and emphasis on the MC’s awareness.
The cold breeze attack you like piercing you skin with invisible needles.
“attack” should be “attacks”, “you” should be “your”, add “it’s” after “like”.
a strange track of weird bloody animal is all over the place you following them until the base of the big pine a red squirrel lies in snow with fresh black blood pouring some slashing punctures.
Perhaps remove either “strange” or “weird” since they’re synonyms and it feels like its being repitious without purpose. Change “some” to “from”. I’d split this sentence and maybe remove “animal” so there’s more tension and mystery leading up to finding the squirrel.
You enter again closing the door about to dispose the furry ball in the trash and let your colt in its cabinet. When you feel the impulse of checking if the squirrel is stuffed with a microphone you have heard colleges being discovered using similar methods.
I’m not sure where the MC is entering here, but I’d change “closing” to “and close”, put a comma after “door”, perhaps change “about” to “preparing”, change “let” to “put”, and capitalize “colt”. You also might want to split/combine these sentences so they flow better – so something like “You enter again and close the door, preparing to dispose the furry ball in the trash and put your Colt in the cabinet when you feel the impluse to check if the squirrel is stuffed with a microphone. You have heard colleges being discovered using similar methods.”
The piñata is free of wires and lies in a trash can as last home.
Add “its” before “last”.
You check and see the Photo o Jaime in the screen.
Lowercase “Photo”, “o” should be “of”.
Works as night security so in your line of work a very useful friend to maintain.
Perhaps change “Works” to “He works”, and add a comma after “security”, add “he’s” after “line of work”.
The last week was a rumour about carrots have been infected to create super soldiers or something like that…
“have been” should be “being”.
Pretend that you are interested
Add a period after this option and the third one.
You let him going on like the Frozen song, He is same level of annoyance.
“going on” should be “go”, change the comma to a period.
pretend be interested in his Conspiracy theories.
“be” should be “to be”, lowercase “Conspiracy”.
You let him going meanwhile preparing yourself in a mirror for your next con.
“going” should be “go on”, perhaps change “meanwhile preparing” to “as you prepare”.
Exactly same as an actress great part of your work consists in mesmerizing people; Charming their hearts and minds same time as their money.
Perhaps change “Exactly same as” to “Like an”, perhaps remove “great”, perhaps change the semicolon to a comma and shorten “Charming their hearts and minds same time as their money” to “charming their hearts, mind, and money.”
Jaime finally insists that you covering a date site form before to end the call.
“covering” should be “cover”. I’m not sure if you meant “date site form” or “from before” here – if the former then change “to end” to “ending”. If the latter, maybe change “to end” to “as you end”.
Maybe could be useful so you go to the site.
I’d change “Maybe” to “It”.
Of course You can’t
Add a comma after “course”, lowercase “You”.
Jet straight hair, medium length, and The Hollywood smile and piercing blue eyes hidden by big black eyelashes ready to breaking hearts and wallets.
Lowercase “The”, “breaking” should be “break”. Also, maybe start the first sentence of the paragraph with “You use a” instead of “With”.
That’s fast something from the date site.
Maybe put a period after fast, and put “It’s” before something here.
from Teddy bear Jaime.
“Teddy” should be lowercase.
On the other hand, Darling Darlene Faulkner your target for your actual con.
Perhaps put “there’s an e-mail from” before “Darling”. Add a comma after “Faulkner”.
You aren’t the only con artist on the house it seems.
“on” should be “in”.
You notice in Marcus movement that he is hesitant;
Add a apostrophe after “Marcus”.
Your sister in first steps of chemotherapy probably prefer you hide the truth entirely from Marcus.
Perhaps put a comma after “sister” and after “chemotheraphy”, “prefer” should be “prefers”.
It is ironic; That yourself a seasoned liar that has been living and maintain your sister since teen through whispering lies and coercion. You prefers tell the truth the people you really cares about.
Change “That yourself” to “you’re”, “maintain” should be “maintaining”, “teen” should be “you’ve been a teen”, “prefers” should be “prefer” (although you may want to reword “you prefer” so it calls back to “it is ironic”), add “to” after “prefer” and “truth” – “It is ironic; you’re a season liar that has been living and maintaining your sister since you’ve been a teen through whispering lies and coercion. You prefer to tell the truth to the people you really care about.”
Even if Marcus is a very clever, charming Jade boy, He is still a kid… You say him a half truth. with a smirk .
“He” should be “he”, remove the period after “truth”, remove the space after “smirk”.
the Hospital surrounded by a overcrowded chaos…
“Hospital” should be lowercase.
You shaken your hair making your nephew blink…
“shaken” should be “shake”, add a comma before “making”, and I’m not sure if you want it to be “hair” or “head” here.
like in Your comics.
“Your” should be “your”.
Marcus observes you mysteriously his blue eyes trying to piercing yours trying to reaching your mind.
Add a comma after “mysteriously”, “piercing” should be “pierce”, perhaps change “trying to reaching your mind” to “and reach into your mind”.
He doesn’t add anything more he just opens the last number of his comics magazine waiting you make the dinner.
Perhaps add a comma after “more”, change “he just opens” to “instead opening” and change “waiting you make the dinner” to “waits for you to make dinner”.
Sometimes kids are a enigma.
“a” should be “an”.
You wonder meanwhile make a grilled cheese sandwich in the toaster.
It sounds like in this sentence that the MC is still wondering about Marcus, but then in the next sentence they’re thinking about the snow and the hospital. Perhaps reword this sentence so it leads into the next one – so something like “As you make him a grilled cheese sandwich in the toaster you wonder about what’s going on.”
Looking forward to reading more.