Zombie Exodus: Poisoning Tears (wip) fan fiction

Hi everyone I am writing a fan fiction about Zombie Exodus Safe Haven with the permission of the author @JimD. In it you take control of Mara a pansexual con artist with a turbulent past. A villain, a pragmatic survivor… Just words in this new apocalyptic reality. Sometimes being bad is the only way to keep your people safe.

Currently it’s done, The first part of game 4 chapters and about 26,000 words. That could be consider a introduction to the game itself.

As a fan fiction with a set character could look linear but several choices would gain vital importance in the next parts.

I was waiting for any kind of feedback. This is the first part but much more can been add to it in base of the feedback i receive.

Grammar is not good. I am searching for help in that regard. One of reasons to make demo public is get people helping me out with my major problem .

To play the demo, go here:
https://dashingdon.com/play/marajade/maras-walkthrough-/mygame/

Criticism is appreciated so don’t be shy to share your opinion.

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I’m so glad you decided to make public one of your WIP. Know that I’ll cheer for you!! :blush::+1:

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I enjoyed Zombie Exodus, and it’s very rare to see a direct fan fiction made from any of the CYOA games. I’m wondering, if you consider the first 4 chapters the introduction, how long are you planning the game to be?

Also, in regards to your grammar, since you’ve stated that to be a problematic thing for you. I notice during a lot of your sentences you switch tenses of words a lot, for example in the first paragraph:

"This city is boring as fuck. However it has a calming effect over you. Probably due the fact being nearby your only family. It is also near so many new rich snobs ready to be ripped of their earthy possessions by a charming smile and a blinking of a eye. Some calls people like you leeches, seductresses, con artists. With years you have noticed that the merriment you have given them is far more the money you have con from them."

The first two sentences can be turned into one complex, if you wish. words like “calls”, “con”, and “blinking” should be in the other tense. I also notice your syntax seems to be different than traditional english, mostly Spanish, I assume english is a secondary language? Despite that I can understand clearly what is mostly being said.

Also, when you introduce your sister Mia, you call her a male pronoun right afterwards.

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Yes… Me and my problem with His and her. I can swear that i have erased on my own like 20 or so last week. I don’t get why I change them while writing…

And about the duration i follow the structure of Jim So second part will be another 4 chapters. Evenoif content on second part varies greatly from Jim game

As I add thing as strip poker
A totally revamped Farm scene in a colonial museum

Several new scenes with several characters
I aam currently in chapter 6 and have 40,000 words in and easily taking account I allow branching in next part I would be reach 100,000 words in second part making a global of 126,000 words.

However. In base of feedback i can easily adding more scenes and word account will go up. Thanks for pointing out my grammar errors is very useful.

Yes i am Spanish and my English is self taught and my grammar is atrocious

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Maybe try Grammarly or something?

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You’ll just have to do once overs every now and then on things you previously wrote and make sure your tense stays the same, and you can polish the sentence structure and vocabulary later too. Perhaps in regards to the earlier paragraph, maybe something like this:
“This city is boring as fuck. Even so, it holds a calming effect over you, probably due to the fact your family lives nearby. There’s also many wealthy snobs ripe for the plundering of their possessions, taking only a charming smile and blink of the eyes. Some call people like you leeches, seductresses, and con artists. As the years progress however, you’ve noticed the merriment you’ve offered is far greater than the profit you’ve taken.”

This is just a fast draft taken from the first paragraph, mostly to give an idea of what can be done. If you want to use it, you can, I don’t charge (especially since I basically plagiarized the main idea of the paragraph), but know that readers expect consistency, so if you use that, it’s expected that you can keep that level of writing.

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The problem with those programs are made thinking in people that knows well English structure… That’s not my case so gramarly speech check turning all in something even more gibberish. I mean i will try use both but my previous attempts are weird.
I am prepared to spend double time editing than writing and i don’t have problems with that work however i want to know what people like or not. To not starting polishing something people don’t like

If you run it through a grammar and spelling checker first, it’ll just help me fix it up quicker later.

Okay. That’s easy to do. Thanks :hugs: Also I can give you a big kiss :kissing_cat:

I think the concept is interesting, although understand it may not appeal to as large an audience because of the fixed protagonist. Those that enjoy the story of zombie exodus may definitely find this appealing, but I’ve seen many people saying a big let down in books is when grammar is poor.

It could very well be that in order for some to like it, it’s going to require polishing first, but otherwise the basic concepts seem to be there and are planned, so other individuals might like it simply for the premise.

If you don’t believe any grammar checks will pick up on the Spanish syntax, I’d recommend getting a good trusted friend that is proficient in English to proofread your work, and you can make changes based off that.

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As a fan fic the idea is not other the help me improving enough to can make my own game someday . Starting in a established universe with a fixed character is key to focus on the story itself and learning the ropes of storytelling.
When I had reached a better level I will make my own projects seriously. One has to started somewhere and many writers starting with fan fictions.

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haha I see you Mara, you beat me to posting! I’m happy to see that you did though and I will be doing the same shortly. will def check out the demo when I get the time. congrats on pushing past the wall of doubt! :blush:

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Your help has being appreciate to boost my confidence. I will check your game soon you posted it.

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When I first started reading I didn’t know if I’d like it or not – I’m not a big zombie fan (and I’ve only played the demo of Zombie Exodus quite awhile ago) and I normally prefer MCs with blank characters to fill in for roleplaying – but this was a lot of fun.

I really enjoyed the characters and the flow of the story. I liked how the MC Mara is really only focused on her and Marcus surviving using her con skills, but she ends up with a “caravan of exiled” anyway. I also liked how, even after Mia dies, she still has a presence in the story. It really helps to show how important she was, and I hope we’ll be able to talk about her with Marcus some more.

I thought the humor was great (like how MC Mara seems to freak out more and more over Moses’ smell, and her thoughts about everyone else in general) and helped highlight the horror of this apocalyptic setting by contrasting with the seriousness of it. I really like how there’s mystery elements to the story, too, like that phone call or the scroll. I also think the character opinion and quest diary section of the stats page add a certain polish to the story overall.

Right now my only complaints are that sometimes it’s hard to keep track of who is who – sometimes characters are introduced without really an explanation, and sometimes they’re introduced/have a scene but then disappear from the narration altogether before reappearing chapters later. Maybe MC Mara could spend a line here or there thinking about those characters just to reemphasize who they are. Also, even knowing this is supposed to be a more-linear fanfic, there were parts where it was just pages and pages of narration without any choices which lessened the fun.

Here’s some typos and grammar stuff I saw – I’ll point out more later if this helps.

Typos

Suburban Chipper ridge…
Is this a ridge called “Suburban Chipper” or is this a suburban section called “Chipper ridge”? If it’s the former I would capitalize ridge so it’s “Suburban Chipper Ridge”. If it’s the latter, maybe have it as something like “The suburbs, Chipper Ridge”.

The skyline of Night city feels empty and standard, a small town drown in the last urban crisis, in a cloud of corruption and pyramidal schemes.
The “city” after “Night” should be capitalized, “pyramidal” should be “pyramid”.

You observe the traffic crawls over the dirty snow.
Add “as it” after “traffic”.

Meanwhile, The news of the radio can’t shut up about this new virus affecting China and Australia.
“The” should be lowercase.

leaving you with a nephew with 8 years.
Combine this sentence with the previous one by turning the period before “leaving” into a comma.

And you need 25.000 ddolars to pay Mia treatment and hospital fees.
“ddolars” should be “dollars”. Having the period in the number might be confusing, though – I know it’s correct, but to me it reads as if you only need 25. Perhaps if you write the number out as “twenty five thousand” you can sidestep the problem entirely – you can also don’t need to write dollars in that case, either. So it’d be “And you need twenty-five thousand to…”
Also, “Mia” should be “Mia’s”, and since this is the first time Mia is brought up, you might want to say who she is in this paragraph.

You just put Deep Purple all volume while you drive furiously in your killing your emotional breakage with the thundering throttle of the German sport card you obtained in a con.
I’d remove “just”, change the “all” to “up to full”, put a comma after “furiously”, and remove the “in your”.

The song whasing away your fears until the suburb become a blurred background for your black sedan to burn.
“whasing” should be “washing” although it might sound better as “washes”, maybe put “past” after “burn”.

The lights of the police car return you to reality…
Remove the extra period.

As a criminal, being detained is not an option more if you have to be at home to take care of Marcus.
I’d remove the comma after “criminal”, put a comma after “option” and “so now that” after “more”, and remove “if”. Also, you might want to mention that Marcus is the nephew once again.

You detained your car.
I’d change “detained” to “stop”, and perhaps combine this sentence with the next one – just turn the period to a comma and have “Preparing” be lowercase. Also, “mentaly” in the next sentence should be “mentally”.

A middle age man hops from the police car with a strange off swag.
I’d remove “off” here.

Like lost, a freaking shiver in his hands and you see flesh blood in his uniform shirt.
“in” should be “on”, and perhaps remove “Like lost,” and move the “you see” to the front of the sentence so there’s more direct emphasis on the blood and what’s in his hands (“You see a freaking shiver in his hands and fresh blood on his uniform…”). Also, is “shiver” supposed to be “shiv”?

However, You can see any injury on him.
“You” should be lowercase. I’m not sure if the MC can see an injury or not (since the cop mentions a bite later on), but if she can’t then “can” should be “can’t”.

Opening the window with a innocent smile and a flirty coy winking The cop smiles back but something is off
Add “You” before “Opening”, make “Opening” lowercase, “winking” should be “wink”, add a period before “The” and after “off”.

“Are you okay agent?” you say using your acting skills
This option and the one after it need a period at the end.

Offering him a deal…
Perhaps turn this into “I’ll offer him a deal…”

It is just a scratch a weird drug dealer just bite me. Nothing important and I have dealt with him" he smiles at you However young girl you were faster than the limit…. I can’t let you go…"
Add a quotation mark at the beginning and before “However”, a comma after “scratch” and “him”, a period after “smiles at you”, a comma after “However” and “girl”, remove the extra period after “limit”.

“Oh, my god you are shaking sir… Let me help you and call an ambulance” you say faking a panic and grabbing your smart phone.
Add a comma after “ambulance” and “say”.

He is a drug addict so no way he will let you call and risk been caught with the shakes…
Since the MC doesn’t know for certain he’s a drug dealer, perhaps add an “if” at the beginning (“If he is a drug addict there’s no way he…”), remove the extra period at the end.

He shouts at you with a fierce anger on his eyes a scared animal lurking on there craving to obtain drug
“on” should be “in” (“fierce anger in his eyes”, “a scared animal lurking in there”), add a comma after “eyes”, maybe pluralize “drug”, add a period at the end of this sentence and the next sentence as well.

Your middle class home is exactly same every single one on the street one flat a backyard and a well kept lawn.
Add a comma after street. Not sure what “flat” means in this sentence but it looks like you’ll want to put a comma after “flat” and “backyard”.

The mediocrity middle ground that is the only
“mediocrity” should be “mediocre”, remove “is the”.

charming smile and a blinking of a eye.
The “a” before “eye” should be “an”.

Some calls people like you leeches, seductresses, con artists.
“calls” should be “call”.

With years you have noticed that the merriment you have given them is far more the money you have con from them.
“con” should “conned”.

Snowy lawns like in a Christmas postcard.If weren’t May.
Add a space between these two sentences.

This snow is not helping improving your mood,
“improving” should be “to improve”, the comma after “mood” should be a period,

warming!snowing
Add a space after “warming!”, perhaps change “snowing” to “This snow”

Mia and his only son.
“his” should be “her”.

She wants me to care for Marcus…
“me” should be "you, remove the extra period at the end.

Both are your only family and the only people you can trust.
I would move this sentence to before “She hasn’t been okay lately…” so that, just as the sister’s cancer is a sudden end, it also ends the paragraph as well.

You don’t lost time in grabbing your personalized Colt Python being a woman of means you have to be ready for nasty business.
“lost” should be “lose” – not sure if you should put a colon or a hyphen after “Python”.

“I have to track and discover what is happening. Marcus is about returning home”
This option and the one after it need a period. Maybe change “is happening” to “that was”.

“Maybe I should wait and calming myself. Sure is nothing”
“calming” should be “calm”, perhaps change “myself” to “down” and “Sure is” to “I’m sure it’s”, and add a period after “nothing” – So it’d be: “Maybe I should wait and calm down. I’m sure it’s nothing.”)

Tracking even your more subtle movements,
“Tracking” should be lowercase.

in Tijuana, like an eternity ago the wise woman, that helped you and your sister as child, had always told you have the gift of foreseen and the eyes of devil.
“child” should be “children”, “foreseen” should be “foresight”, add “the” before "devil. You might want to reword/split the sentence so there’s more of a lead up to the wise woman’s words and emphasis on the MC’s awareness.

The cold breeze attack you like piercing you skin with invisible needles.
“attack” should be “attacks”, “you” should be “your”, add “it’s” after “like”.

a strange track of weird bloody animal is all over the place you following them until the base of the big pine a red squirrel lies in snow with fresh black blood pouring some slashing punctures.
Perhaps remove either “strange” or “weird” since they’re synonyms and it feels like its being repitious without purpose. Change “some” to “from”. I’d split this sentence and maybe remove “animal” so there’s more tension and mystery leading up to finding the squirrel.

You enter again closing the door about to dispose the furry ball in the trash and let your colt in its cabinet. When you feel the impulse of checking if the squirrel is stuffed with a microphone you have heard colleges being discovered using similar methods.
I’m not sure where the MC is entering here, but I’d change “closing” to “and close”, put a comma after “door”, perhaps change “about” to “preparing”, change “let” to “put”, and capitalize “colt”. You also might want to split/combine these sentences so they flow better – so something like “You enter again and close the door, preparing to dispose the furry ball in the trash and put your Colt in the cabinet when you feel the impluse to check if the squirrel is stuffed with a microphone. You have heard colleges being discovered using similar methods.”

The piñata is free of wires and lies in a trash can as last home.
Add “its” before “last”.

You check and see the Photo o Jaime in the screen.
Lowercase “Photo”, “o” should be “of”.

Works as night security so in your line of work a very useful friend to maintain.
Perhaps change “Works” to “He works”, and add a comma after “security”, add “he’s” after “line of work”.

The last week was a rumour about carrots have been infected to create super soldiers or something like that…
“have been” should be “being”.

Pretend that you are interested
Add a period after this option and the third one.

You let him going on like the Frozen song, He is same level of annoyance.
“going on” should be “go”, change the comma to a period.

pretend be interested in his Conspiracy theories.
“be” should be “to be”, lowercase “Conspiracy”.

You let him going meanwhile preparing yourself in a mirror for your next con.
“going” should be “go on”, perhaps change “meanwhile preparing” to “as you prepare”.

Exactly same as an actress great part of your work consists in mesmerizing people; Charming their hearts and minds same time as their money.
Perhaps change “Exactly same as” to “Like an”, perhaps remove “great”, perhaps change the semicolon to a comma and shorten “Charming their hearts and minds same time as their money” to “charming their hearts, mind, and money.”

Jaime finally insists that you covering a date site form before to end the call.
“covering” should be “cover”. I’m not sure if you meant “date site form” or “from before” here – if the former then change “to end” to “ending”. If the latter, maybe change “to end” to “as you end”.

Maybe could be useful so you go to the site.
I’d change “Maybe” to “It”.

Of course You can’t
Add a comma after “course”, lowercase “You”.

Jet straight hair, medium length, and The Hollywood smile and piercing blue eyes hidden by big black eyelashes ready to breaking hearts and wallets.
Lowercase “The”, “breaking” should be “break”. Also, maybe start the first sentence of the paragraph with “You use a” instead of “With”.

That’s fast something from the date site.
Maybe put a period after fast, and put “It’s” before something here.

from Teddy bear Jaime.
“Teddy” should be lowercase.

On the other hand, Darling Darlene Faulkner your target for your actual con.
Perhaps put “there’s an e-mail from” before “Darling”. Add a comma after “Faulkner”.

You aren’t the only con artist on the house it seems.
“on” should be “in”.

You notice in Marcus movement that he is hesitant;
Add a apostrophe after “Marcus”.

Your sister in first steps of chemotherapy probably prefer you hide the truth entirely from Marcus.
Perhaps put a comma after “sister” and after “chemotheraphy”, “prefer” should be “prefers”.

It is ironic; That yourself a seasoned liar that has been living and maintain your sister since teen through whispering lies and coercion. You prefers tell the truth the people you really cares about.
Change “That yourself” to “you’re”, “maintain” should be “maintaining”, “teen” should be “you’ve been a teen”, “prefers” should be “prefer” (although you may want to reword “you prefer” so it calls back to “it is ironic”), add “to” after “prefer” and “truth” – “It is ironic; you’re a season liar that has been living and maintaining your sister since you’ve been a teen through whispering lies and coercion. You prefer to tell the truth to the people you really care about.”

Even if Marcus is a very clever, charming Jade boy, He is still a kid… You say him a half truth. with a smirk .
“He” should be “he”, remove the period after “truth”, remove the space after “smirk”.

the Hospital surrounded by a overcrowded chaos…
“Hospital” should be lowercase.

You shaken your hair making your nephew blink…
“shaken” should be “shake”, add a comma before “making”, and I’m not sure if you want it to be “hair” or “head” here.

like in Your comics.
“Your” should be “your”.

Marcus observes you mysteriously his blue eyes trying to piercing yours trying to reaching your mind.
Add a comma after “mysteriously”, “piercing” should be “pierce”, perhaps change “trying to reaching your mind” to “and reach into your mind”.

He doesn’t add anything more he just opens the last number of his comics magazine waiting you make the dinner.
Perhaps add a comma after “more”, change “he just opens” to “instead opening” and change “waiting you make the dinner” to “waits for you to make dinner”.

Sometimes kids are a enigma.
“a” should be “an”.

You wonder meanwhile make a grilled cheese sandwich in the toaster.
It sounds like in this sentence that the MC is still wondering about Marcus, but then in the next sentence they’re thinking about the snow and the hospital. Perhaps reword this sentence so it leads into the next one – so something like “As you make him a grilled cheese sandwich in the toaster you wonder about what’s going on.”

Looking forward to reading more. :relaxed:

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Thanks for the words. The think is story started linear as a simply Mara’s Walkthrough name still having in Dashingdon. Like a response to a person who ask me “I heard you always talking about Mara I want read something about her”.

However while writing it I thought You know what… It could be neat If the player could have a little agency at least in the tone of what Mara says and what Mara says.

That’s when I asked @JimD if I could make this fan fiction. So it is true some parts are in fact still linear I want add choices to it. For instance In school going other path entirely that’s on the planning . Second part being designed since first moment give you far more choices and even opportunity to save a character Mara hates causing her a great discomfort If player still want hear Mara complains scene after scene.

Humour or directly acid sarcasm has been a element since forever In My role playing as I starting role-playing bards and buffoons. That also tries to empathize that Mara is not a hero. And she knows it.

If you say to Mara about being a hero she would laughingly steal your wallet and your car. In her mind is all versus her and her people. She would do wildly selfless acts for The people she stems. the problem is the volume of people she actually cares can be counted with a hand.

Thanks for gathering all that data problems for me :hugs: And I will try to empathize in Introduction of characters as like I have them on my head I sometimes forgot others don’t.
Also I will flogging myself each time I wrote he instead of she… I don’t know why I do it.

Also if anyone has any suggestions of wht choices want to include and where I am all hears.

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Is the Mara in the story supposed to be like you???

No of course not. Is a fictional character. I am a lawyer and not a criminal. I haven’t touch a gun in my entire life i have no sister etc Just happened have a name similar to mine.

Edit Thanks @expectedoperator and others I have modified first part to be more legible. BIG THANKS TO EVERYONE. It has been really helpful.

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Feel free to send the script to me when you have time.

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So I was looking at Mara’s opinions on the characters and…what?

Brody: Twin brother to Madison. They are Milfords, the richest family in Nightfall. Strangely useful. Sadly too naive

Mara score: Depending for what is the score… The damn kid is sexy as hell. Focus… a 7 inches… I mean 7/10 :wink:

For someone who’s constantly complaining about and shaming male players for immediately sexualizing female NPC’s, it seems pretty weird for you to turn around and do the exact same thing to a male one (and one who’s a minor as well).

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@AAO I am the one complaining the person. Mara doesn’t . Also is supposed to be in character. Mara in fact make those type of jokes about everyone. However If you think is too much I can change the wording to be more respectful. What kind of joke would you put there instead? Mara considers Brody attractive