Here are some more typos and grammar stuff I found. I tried not to repeat what I already mentioned in my previous post but there may be a few lines I pointed out again.
A small town drown in the last urban crisis, in a cloud of corruption and pyramid schemes.
“drown” should be “drowning”.
Meanwhile, the news of the radio can’t shut up about this new virus affecting China and Australia.
“news of the radio” should be “news on the radio”.
The lights of the police car return you to reality…
Remove the extra period.
As a criminal being detained, It is not an option.
I’d reword this to something like “As a criminal, it is not an option to be detained”.
I am at work; So I don’t make favours.
“So” should be “so”, perhaps change “don’t” to “can’t”.
Even for nice bunnies such as yourself"
Add a period at the end.
Oh, come on, man!.
Remove the extra period.
He gets near the driver window stalking you like a wolf…
It sounds like he’s already near the driver’s window when talking to the MC, so perhaps change “near” to “closer to”. Also, “driver” should be “driver’s”.
An old Mexican shaman recipe that will make him forget last minutes and chill out for enough time you can run away safely.
Add “the” before “last”.
He remains there confuse and lost; incapable of remember what has happened in last few minutes.
“confuse” should be “confused”, “remember” should be “remembering”, add “the” before “last”.
He is just hanging there like a big puppy a improvement so far,
If this is the whole sentence, then add a comma after “puppy” and perhaps change “a improvement so far,” to something like “which is a big improvement.”
Slowly and peacefully he returns to the police car you just return to the road the spray will not harm him more than the drugs he already has in his system and after all that is not your business at all
I’d change “you just return” to “as you return” and put a period after “road”. Then, since it’s starting a new sentence, capitalize “the” before “spray”, and remove the “at all” at the end since the repetition of “all” makes the sentence a bit awkward.
More, so now that you have to be at home to take care of your nephew, Marcus.
Remove the comma after “More”.
“I have to track and discover what was happening. Marcus is about returning home”
“returning home” should be “to return home”, there should also be a period at the end of the sentence.
You made a herbal tea and repeated the calming principles of yoga.
“made” should be “make”, “repeated” should be “repeat”.
"Oh, okay Mara we totally have to chat we have to plan in advance how deal with this…
Add a comma after “Mara” and “chat”.
I swear that to you"
Add a period at the end.
You have seen he come and go in several relationships with several men and women.
“he” should be “him”, I’d remove the second “several” since it’s just reiterating the previous “several”.
Friday. Same damn city
I don’t think you stated previously what day it was, so perhaps in the first subtitle where you had “Chipper Ridge” you can also mention the day.
Time to working your meal and helping pay Mia treatment.
“working” should be “work for”, “helping” should be “help”, “Mia” should be “Mia’s”.
You drive your car throughout the glorious monument to fraud and wild capitalism.
“throughout” should be “through”.
Chipper bridge wasj build almost illegally with a immensely profit for few.
“bridge” should be capitalized, “wasj” should be “was”, “build” should be “built”, “immensely” should be “immense”, add “a” before “few”.
And then people say you are the thief for driving the leeches of his ill gained money.
I’d remove “then” here so it sounds more conversational and like the narrator and reader are in on the same joke, change “his” to “their” to match the plural of “leeches”.
Darlene lives in The golden hills, the luxury snob coterie where hills died to become professional treated gardens and pools.
Since it seems like “golden hills” is a name, I’d capitalize both words.
Darlene is a plastic Barbie; Desperately trying to looking young at her forty something.
Change the semicolon to a comma, “Desperately” should be “desperately”, “looking” should be “look”.
Like many men of women you have meet same well sculpted and surgery reconstructed.
“of” should be “and”, “meet” should be “met”. Since it seems like you are still talking about Darlene, I’d add a comma after “meet/met” and change “same” to “she is”, and “surgery” to “surgically”.
Same empty jokes same superficial chatting and same the feeling of loneliness.
Add a comma after “jokes” and “chatting”.
The need of connection.
Maybe add “same” before “need” so it flows right from the previous sentence, and change “of” to “for”.
The cityscape become more and more elegant as you are closer to her home.
“become” should be “becomes”, “are” should be “get”.
Same strategy as always. Changing clothes fake several titles and records…
Perhaps change the period after “always” to a colon, have “Changing” lowercase, add a comma after “clothes”, “fake” should be “faking”.
And Samara Reyes had born and smiled to Darlene; courting her for the next several weeks, you learned all of her wants and desires.
Add “been” before “born”, change the semicolon to a period, change “courting” to “You courted”, change “you learned” to “learning”.
All that people follow same path too much money nobody with whom expending with…
Perhaps reword this so there’s a clearer connection to the sentence that mentions those people and their loneliness.
Darling Darlene receives you in a rip off version of a vamp pin up of golden Hollywood.
I’d change this to “Golden Age of Hollywood”.
She clearly wants you and wants you know.
Add “to” before “know”.
Let her smell your perfume and feeling your pale soft skin near her but without touch until you kiss softly and slowly her neck making her purrs…
“feeling” should be “feel”, perhaps change “but without touch” to “not touching”, move “softly and slowly” before “kiss”, “purrs” should be “purr”.
You tried to maintain the focus and looking gorgeous while you scan the room for valuables a new picture over fireplace…
Since the previous paragraph is already showing how MC Mara is distracting Darlene, perhaps remove the first half of this sentence and start with “You scan…”
Darlene is chatting meanwhile tries to smooch you.
I’d change “meanwhile” to “as”.
She says y6totally enthralled by the shiny bright of your eyes…
Add a comma after “says”, “y6totally” should be “totally”, change “shiny bright” to “brightness” or “shine”.
“I need 25,000”. You say finally reaching your goal trying to maintain the masquerade and no smile.
I’d change the period after the quotations to a comma so it doesn’t seem so direct and possibly reword to the rest of the sentence so “goal” is at the end of the sentence, just as the MC’s goal is at the end of her time with Darlene – something like ““I need 25,000,” you say without a smile as you try to maintain the masquerade and finally reach your goal.”"
Darlene jumps like a scared cougar to the door to helping some damn young jogger with a bitten men …
“helping” should be “help”, not sure if the jogger was bitten or the jogger brought bitten men along with them.
Can’t stop bring to your memory the premonition you have yesterday chaos and fighting creatures that aren’t human any more.
Add a space between this sentence and the previous one. “bring” should be “bringing”, and perhaps here MC Mara should remember the bitten officer as well.
Apocalypse is coming" And you have a kid to protect
Add a period at the end of both sentences.
Darlene says something lame about helping the dead weight, and the infected.
Not sure who the dead weight and infected are here, or if it’s just describing the same person.
LIke she didn’t hear in the TV about the whole epidemic.
“LIke” should be “Like”.
Darlene has dropped in your list to below zero…
This is minor, but it’d be nice here if before this point Darlene is in this stats list of characters, but afterward she disappears from the list.
It is time to go.
No way you care about people who is already dead.
Both of these choices seem pretty similar – perhaps change “It is time to go” to something about Marcus and Mia so it’s reflecting more on the living in comparison to the choice of not caring about the dead. Also, in the second option, “is” should be “are”.
She opens the door angrily at your lack of helping meanwhile you mutter a excuse about grabbing towels and escape…
Didn’t Darlene already open the door at this point to help the jogger? If she didn’t, how does the MC know who is outside? Also, “meanwhile” should be “as”.
She will be dead in mere minutes so Why lost your breath.
“Why lost” should be “why lose”, perhaps add a question mark to this to make it a question.
Faces you see a mere half hour twisted, half devoured and returning to life and… A screaming From a voice you knew well Darlene being eaten …
“see” should be “saw”, add “ago are” after “hour”, add a comma after “devoured” (so it’s “Faces you saw a mere half hour ago are twisted, half devoured, and returning to life…”)
A screaming From a voice you knew well Darlene being eaten …
Maybe reword this to “You hear a scream from a voice you knew well. Darlene…”
Well. You warned her about no open the door…
“no open” should be “not opening” and remove the second period – however, it doesn’t seem like the MC ever actually warns Darlene about the door.
SOCIETY IS FALLEN and you will rip your part and survive for you and from Marcus.
“SOCIETY IS FALLEN” should either be “SOCIETY HAS FALLEN” or “SOCIETY IS FALLING”. Not sure what “rip your part” means here. “from Marcus” should be “for Marcus”, although you might want to add Mia here as well since she is still alive at this point.
THE WEAK will fall to our knees.
If MC Mara considers herself among the weak then keep this as it is, but if not then I’d change “our” to “their”.
This time during the phone call with Jaime I chose the last option of saying there’s someone knocking at the door, and choosing that option made me like both Jaime and MC Mara more due to how the MC reflects on her similarity with Jaime. It helps show how they’re friends (sort of).