Zombie Exodus: Poisoning Tears (wip) fan fiction

Ah, I see.

I’m not really offended by the joke or anything, I just thought it was a bit conflicting considering the kind of person I know you to be. But since it’s purely role playing purposes, I get it now.

Speaking of the list, I was surprised Jaime got an 8/10. For someone who hates his guts, Mara has a surprisingly high opinion of him. Maybe we’ll get to see a bit of raider Jaime soon?

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Perhaps it is because he is so easily useable? :grin:

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That’s my plan . And Jaime is really a 8 his only problem is his attitude. His obsession with being morally perfect. That’s the thing Mara doesn’t believe he is that way. She believes he has something about he feels absolutely guilty and shameful about. So he is trying to compensating that fact.

Also the notes are for first part beginning of the second. Some will go up others disappear with the death of Characters and certain events. As that list is in a way a stat list . I will add another for group stats and list of what Mara wants employ them. Group name and that stuff player will have certain agency. But Mara will still being Mara and maybe could directly negate to do certain actions.

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That’s part of it… However that 8 will be drop when farmacy mission happens. That’s for sure

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Thats not surprising :joy:

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Here are some more typos and grammar stuff I found. I tried not to repeat what I already mentioned in my previous post but there may be a few lines I pointed out again.

Typos

A small town drown in the last urban crisis, in a cloud of corruption and pyramid schemes.
“drown” should be “drowning”.

Meanwhile, the news of the radio can’t shut up about this new virus affecting China and Australia.
“news of the radio” should be “news on the radio”.

The lights of the police car return you to reality…
Remove the extra period.

As a criminal being detained, It is not an option.
I’d reword this to something like “As a criminal, it is not an option to be detained”.

I am at work; So I don’t make favours.
“So” should be “so”, perhaps change “don’t” to “can’t”.

Even for nice bunnies such as yourself"
Add a period at the end.

Oh, come on, man!.
Remove the extra period.

He gets near the driver window stalking you like a wolf…
It sounds like he’s already near the driver’s window when talking to the MC, so perhaps change “near” to “closer to”. Also, “driver” should be “driver’s”.

An old Mexican shaman recipe that will make him forget last minutes and chill out for enough time you can run away safely.
Add “the” before “last”.

He remains there confuse and lost; incapable of remember what has happened in last few minutes.
“confuse” should be “confused”, “remember” should be “remembering”, add “the” before “last”.

He is just hanging there like a big puppy a improvement so far,
If this is the whole sentence, then add a comma after “puppy” and perhaps change “a improvement so far,” to something like “which is a big improvement.”

Slowly and peacefully he returns to the police car you just return to the road the spray will not harm him more than the drugs he already has in his system and after all that is not your business at all
I’d change “you just return” to “as you return” and put a period after “road”. Then, since it’s starting a new sentence, capitalize “the” before “spray”, and remove the “at all” at the end since the repetition of “all” makes the sentence a bit awkward.

More, so now that you have to be at home to take care of your nephew, Marcus.
Remove the comma after “More”.

“I have to track and discover what was happening. Marcus is about returning home”
“returning home” should be “to return home”, there should also be a period at the end of the sentence.

You made a herbal tea and repeated the calming principles of yoga.
“made” should be “make”, “repeated” should be “repeat”.

"Oh, okay Mara we totally have to chat we have to plan in advance how deal with this…
Add a comma after “Mara” and “chat”.

I swear that to you"
Add a period at the end.

You have seen he come and go in several relationships with several men and women.
“he” should be “him”, I’d remove the second “several” since it’s just reiterating the previous “several”.

Friday. Same damn city
I don’t think you stated previously what day it was, so perhaps in the first subtitle where you had “Chipper Ridge” you can also mention the day.

Time to working your meal and helping pay Mia treatment.
“working” should be “work for”, “helping” should be “help”, “Mia” should be “Mia’s”.

You drive your car throughout the glorious monument to fraud and wild capitalism.
“throughout” should be “through”.

Chipper bridge wasj build almost illegally with a immensely profit for few.
“bridge” should be capitalized, “wasj” should be “was”, “build” should be “built”, “immensely” should be “immense”, add “a” before “few”.

And then people say you are the thief for driving the leeches of his ill gained money.
I’d remove “then” here so it sounds more conversational and like the narrator and reader are in on the same joke, change “his” to “their” to match the plural of “leeches”.

Darlene lives in The golden hills, the luxury snob coterie where hills died to become professional treated gardens and pools.
Since it seems like “golden hills” is a name, I’d capitalize both words.

Darlene is a plastic Barbie; Desperately trying to looking young at her forty something.
Change the semicolon to a comma, “Desperately” should be “desperately”, “looking” should be “look”.

Like many men of women you have meet same well sculpted and surgery reconstructed.
“of” should be “and”, “meet” should be “met”. Since it seems like you are still talking about Darlene, I’d add a comma after “meet/met” and change “same” to “she is”, and “surgery” to “surgically”.

Same empty jokes same superficial chatting and same the feeling of loneliness.
Add a comma after “jokes” and “chatting”.

The need of connection.
Maybe add “same” before “need” so it flows right from the previous sentence, and change “of” to “for”.

The cityscape become more and more elegant as you are closer to her home.
“become” should be “becomes”, “are” should be “get”.

Same strategy as always. Changing clothes fake several titles and records…
Perhaps change the period after “always” to a colon, have “Changing” lowercase, add a comma after “clothes”, “fake” should be “faking”.

And Samara Reyes had born and smiled to Darlene; courting her for the next several weeks, you learned all of her wants and desires.
Add “been” before “born”, change the semicolon to a period, change “courting” to “You courted”, change “you learned” to “learning”.

All that people follow same path too much money nobody with whom expending with…
Perhaps reword this so there’s a clearer connection to the sentence that mentions those people and their loneliness.

Darling Darlene receives you in a rip off version of a vamp pin up of golden Hollywood.
I’d change this to “Golden Age of Hollywood”.

She clearly wants you and wants you know.
Add “to” before “know”.

Let her smell your perfume and feeling your pale soft skin near her but without touch until you kiss softly and slowly her neck making her purrs…
“feeling” should be “feel”, perhaps change “but without touch” to “not touching”, move “softly and slowly” before “kiss”, “purrs” should be “purr”.

You tried to maintain the focus and looking gorgeous while you scan the room for valuables a new picture over fireplace…
Since the previous paragraph is already showing how MC Mara is distracting Darlene, perhaps remove the first half of this sentence and start with “You scan…”

Darlene is chatting meanwhile tries to smooch you.
I’d change “meanwhile” to “as”.

She says y6totally enthralled by the shiny bright of your eyes…
Add a comma after “says”, “y6totally” should be “totally”, change “shiny bright” to “brightness” or “shine”.

“I need 25,000”. You say finally reaching your goal trying to maintain the masquerade and no smile.
I’d change the period after the quotations to a comma so it doesn’t seem so direct and possibly reword to the rest of the sentence so “goal” is at the end of the sentence, just as the MC’s goal is at the end of her time with Darlene – something like ““I need 25,000,” you say without a smile as you try to maintain the masquerade and finally reach your goal.”"

Darlene jumps like a scared cougar to the door to helping some damn young jogger with a bitten men …
“helping” should be “help”, not sure if the jogger was bitten or the jogger brought bitten men along with them.

Can’t stop bring to your memory the premonition you have yesterday chaos and fighting creatures that aren’t human any more.
Add a space between this sentence and the previous one. “bring” should be “bringing”, and perhaps here MC Mara should remember the bitten officer as well.

Apocalypse is coming" And you have a kid to protect
Add a period at the end of both sentences.

Darlene says something lame about helping the dead weight, and the infected.
Not sure who the dead weight and infected are here, or if it’s just describing the same person.

LIke she didn’t hear in the TV about the whole epidemic.
“LIke” should be “Like”.

Darlene has dropped in your list to below zero…
This is minor, but it’d be nice here if before this point Darlene is in this stats list of characters, but afterward she disappears from the list.

It is time to go.
No way you care about people who is already dead.
Both of these choices seem pretty similar – perhaps change “It is time to go” to something about Marcus and Mia so it’s reflecting more on the living in comparison to the choice of not caring about the dead. Also, in the second option, “is” should be “are”.

She opens the door angrily at your lack of helping meanwhile you mutter a excuse about grabbing towels and escape…
Didn’t Darlene already open the door at this point to help the jogger? If she didn’t, how does the MC know who is outside? Also, “meanwhile” should be “as”.

She will be dead in mere minutes so Why lost your breath.
“Why lost” should be “why lose”, perhaps add a question mark to this to make it a question.

Faces you see a mere half hour twisted, half devoured and returning to life and… A screaming From a voice you knew well Darlene being eaten …
“see” should be “saw”, add “ago are” after “hour”, add a comma after “devoured” (so it’s “Faces you saw a mere half hour ago are twisted, half devoured, and returning to life…”)

A screaming From a voice you knew well Darlene being eaten …
Maybe reword this to “You hear a scream from a voice you knew well. Darlene…”

Well. You warned her about no open the door…
“no open” should be “not opening” and remove the second period – however, it doesn’t seem like the MC ever actually warns Darlene about the door.

SOCIETY IS FALLEN and you will rip your part and survive for you and from Marcus.
“SOCIETY IS FALLEN” should either be “SOCIETY HAS FALLEN” or “SOCIETY IS FALLING”. Not sure what “rip your part” means here. “from Marcus” should be “for Marcus”, although you might want to add Mia here as well since she is still alive at this point.

THE WEAK will fall to our knees.
If MC Mara considers herself among the weak then keep this as it is, but if not then I’d change “our” to “their”.

This time during the phone call with Jaime I chose the last option of saying there’s someone knocking at the door, and choosing that option made me like both Jaime and MC Mara more due to how the MC reflects on her similarity with Jaime. It helps show how they’re friends (sort of). :relaxed:

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Sort of… In second part I am writing Mara enter more in That chatting with Tommy. Mara recognize that she has a very similar personality with Jaime both are dominant both are protective with the People they like. However The relationship goes down in a spiralling of hatred and jealousy that I think is starting being visible at last moments of this first part.

I am also preparing an update for this first part Next month to add more choices and another branches. Including a flirting with Rachel choice Another path in school also a small hidden scene about Who sabotage Mara house to burn in the qust mode that will add about a planned 10,000 words to first part.

And i am currently near hit 30,000 in second part. It will end being bigger than my first planning and being surpassing 100,000 words easily. At least I having fun!!!

And thanks for the grammar it will be included in the update :hugs:

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Just a quick update I heavy edited on the game grammar for the new content coming out around 10th July. I had to modify like 4000 wrong words. So I hope grammar will be better.in next update

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UPDATE Game has been updated with more 15,000 words new stats and perks available scenes…

However, I am not near my computer and normally that wouldn’t make any difference as I code in a tablet too but the update 68 of firefox made impossible g
for me testing the game as much I would like also my picture get corrupted.

Still IS ALIVE LOL so if someone wants to try the new content I will be happy reading about their feedback

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I really liked all the new choices I saw in the new update. I believe one of them was when you have to confront the zombies at your door – that stood out to me because all the options fit the MC’s personality while still giving the player a voice. It also seems like Marcus has more of a presence and acts more like a kid, which I think improves the story since now the player can connect to him more and not just care for him because MC Mara does.

I like the new perks as well. I decided on the fire perk which was a lot of fun. I always enjoy unique/story-related perks in RPGs, so I hope there will be more. Although it might be nice if the perks are brought up in the narration as well – like when choosing to scavenge with Woody perhaps having the fire perk can be mentioned since you are heading into the fire.

Did you update the stats screen as well? I don’t remember Marcus’ Stats being there, but I like how we can see the change in his mood and personality. It also helps show how experienced and worldly the MC is in comparison with how high her stats are.

On this playthrough I noticed that the ending (from where you return to your house with everyone) feels a bit too fast paced, especially now that the earlier sections have been expanded. I think this is partly because when you don’t choose the option where you tell Marcus to stay in the car, you don’t get that bit of interaction with him. It also might be nice to hear some of Parker’s explanation instead of simply being told it was a lame attempt. Finally, we are only told that Madison and Brody are twins in the character opinion stat screen – you may want to mention that when they are introduced in the narration as well as have them interact a little bit more if you decide to pack with them.

Looking forward to using the perks! :relaxed:

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Yes, Stats has been updated!!!

I have decided that the main effect of player agency in this game is not the Pc. Even If with the perks you can make Mara different from other Mara.

Still, in This game what choices do is change NPCs around you mostly Marcus but others as well. The reason why The stats are not about the player is about People surrounding her.

There are parts of the game hasn’t been changed so I admit that looks too linear in comparison All will be updated to reflect the choice system and perks

However, I wanted to know if they work for the player first to build rest of storytelling with them.

One of the things is The mood in Marcus so far is aesthetics but later on will effect stats and directly block missions.

Is a test for the future Stats from the group that. would let suicides assassination attempt etc…
These four chapters are mere the introduction of the game

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I am currently preparing a new update from The first part .

  1. Approximately 12,000 words.
  2. An entire new mission in a horror enchanted house
  3. New crafting mechanics and new menus in the stat screen.
  4. Beginning Marcus training
  5. Achievements

So next week’s weekend will be released on the forum. Stay tuned :woman_zombie: :wink:

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