I agree with some of what others have said so far – the lack of choices for a large part of the beginning makes it hard to grab the reader and feels a bit disengaging. Even adding some fake choices would help your audience get immediately grabbed by the story, because you do have an interesting plot in the works, and you don’t want people to lose focus.
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Super cool idea just a lack of choices and not a real than of 3rd person but i will say it is cool seeing what other people think of the MC. And not a real fan of stealth rather of just went doom slayer in there and slaughter your way through that would send a message.
Understandably this is a rough draft,
gender flips and placeholder names are
understandable but this switching between
first person, script, and narrator is not. The omission of deviation, the hallmark of interactive fiction is a cardinal sin. Straight invalidated my use of gunplay to off Serdino. Had me a little miffed, that one.
Now there’s an argument to be had for either fixed or
pawn stance avatar MC but even Commander Shephard and Red Dead Redemption gave a little leeway with characterization. I’d advise taking a moment to decide what you really want this to be man. There’s nothing wrong with a kinetic novel,
always a market for power fantasy with strong characterization.
I felt as if the first outing was really putting
the cart before the horse. Between the gear and skills it just felt like you were skipping to plot beats. A lot of missed opportunity for those interactive fiction decision points and customization. Those details are what really separate the wheat and chaff, at least with my wallet. Guess that’s my fault for misplaced
expectations of something more on the tone of
Boy Wonder, Death Wish, Unforgiven, or You Were Never Really Here. Really digging into the cost of power, psychological shock of ultra violence.
I balked at the gear, it just seems particularly
egregious. My guy is 18. You can’t just handwave this stuff. Hell, acquisition could be a novel series on its own. Having regen is good enough. It’s a strong concept that really plays into the visceral reality of self
destruction and really drive home the danger of capes played straight. It would actually force our MC to strategize and deal with the very real threat of both
mundane and supernatural weapons, removing the impotence of the red shirt mook. Kinda like season one of Daredevil now that I think of it.
The use of first person narrative, lack of recognition
player contribution, and long periods between
choices make me feel like this is a repurposed
novel. Dare I say it might do better as a standalone
visual novel, they have similar pacing and the value of branch deviation is considerably lower.
I like your ideas. Not so much the monologues from your MC, Serdino, or Valykrie. Too much tell. But there’s potential and I’d like to see where you take this little Azrael flavored iron age tale.
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Do let me know what you think of my reworked prologue
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Who wouldn’t wanna be superman XD
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Nice rework but is it an actual IF?
The gym scene left me disconnected. I no longer cared about the story at that moment. Just pressing next to find choices. Which after first two, realized its still only a novel. False choice VNs still have choices about things.
It reads as this is the Authors MC, not ours still.
Works for linear non IF stories, I don’t mess with.
Edit: One more thing I didn’t add. The boy bully beating on a small girl. Just doesn’t feel right?
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Well major choices will be in chapter 1
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Ok. But no false choices on feelings or anything?
Im broken and wont murder a rapist. As much as I want to. I won’t. Thats my primary disconnect and i feel the bully is weird. I have to ignore to read.
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I noticed that if you have superman powers you kill Rege with heat blast and incinerate his body to a flaming lump. But next page it says his bloody body on the floor. Also broken glass is not mentioned to be replaced or the cracked wall from throwing his body around in the cleaning of evidence scene.
Edit: And Taylor Greene when of a female gender is called Mrs.Greene which is what you typically call a married women unlike men who have Mr when single or married. So I imagined this is not intentional but a coding mistake.
You have a gem here I think if polished will rival Fallen Hero
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So Valkyrie went from an actual superhero who was kinda naive but still a superhero in the old demo to what a female homelander?Well that’s disappointing I thought she would be an actual hero not someone who is playing a role. I prefer the old demo over this new one even though the new one has my favourite set of powers but the other changes are kinda iffy.The team of Superhero before seemed like people who were good but not effective enough and kinda naive but now they are like the Seven from the Boys.I prefered the Power girl type Valkyrie from the old demo over the new female homelander Valkyrie.
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Im also having issues of just slaughtering minions.
As a speedster, should have no issues ignoring the guards and just dealing with the bad guy directly.
I am having issues with needless deaths and more cycles of idiocy vengeance kicks that WILL happen.
Sorry. I should have control over trying NOT to kill certain targets before chapter one! The bully and the house guards should at least try to keep them alive.
Right now as is. I feel like I should be imprisoned after dealing with the specific two targets of my own vengeance.
(Murdering a bully, Why?!?!?!?!)
Murderhobo is just as evil as the villains. Causing more possible kids to become parentless.
At least make a fake choice not trying to kill them? There gotta be something before giving us choices in Chapter 1. Otherwise I feel that I am just as bad as Vanguard. Geez…
Edit: Yes was what I thought. A teen boy perspective and then a mans perspective. Figured the bully thing was tied to that perspective. She, not he. Val made it clear. At least until RO option. Im trying. I don’t like it but forced myself to that point.
ROs, Mrs equals married. Ms can go for either if unaware, Miss for single. I suggest Ms if single. Otherwise Mrs is fine. I wont go after partnered people. It keeps referencing me as a man most of the story. I really am trying. Its very difficult to do so as its a novel, not IF.
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Look I might sound rude but are you trying to make a knock off of the boys look I do not care if you’re trying to make a knock off but give us freaking choices man it feels like a freaking novel not an interactive text-based game
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Im interested with the concept and want to see more but half to agree with the overall issues concerning choice. Apart from that there are some fight scenes that feel off even if dont get to make choice for them as a player and must watch.
When playing with the teleporting and blade mastery powers the first one that comes across is with the robots feels like have super strength at times. So a question towards it i guess havent compared to the acctual strength one yet so not sure how they differ.
Then comes the fight with the main target at one point we get claws thats something goes to another power set as well brings up a question of just how duarable are we on a baseline? Considering thats also a powerset it makes me wonder if perhaps something should be different or will the power be even greater if we chose that power set?
Then comes to valkyrie it feels like gettjng curbstomped at first yet we keep on going so makes me even more curious just how big are baseline is on taking damage. As well she keeps calling ny female character a he so thats a coding issue somewhere.
Going to head into the demo again but wanted to point out some of the issues seen so far.
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Really good so far. I really enjoy it. (especially since I can become a version of Superman that kills). I love this “the boys” spin on heroes. My inner power fantasy demon really wants a cheat mode lmfao just to wipe everybody out easily (Valkyrie kinda made me mad ngl)
Regarding the lack of choices…I think it will be pretty easy to add choices into certain scenes. Especially the bully scene, lots of people won’t wanna kill the bully but probably just warn him or cripple him/threaten him. Just add 2 alternatives alongside killing them. Some other maybe personality based choices would be good, something to fill the void. Reactions, feelings, other choices which would help with filling the choice void in the beginning and shaping the MC to the players liking. The parents death is one such example of a good scene to insert a choice with how we want the MC to react.
I noticed when you kill the bully with heat vision it reads like you bashed him against the walls and basically beat him to death. Multiple pages need to be corrected for this since heat vision doesn’t even leave a body to be found. Also when Valkyrie shows up it says “blood dripping from your blades” even though I ain’t got no blades with my power set.
The power scaling needs work. The speedster and superman power sets seem to really fluctuate. One minute the speedster is a blur and can’t be grabbed then they get grabbed by two people back to back who’s powers aren’t even speed based. Same goes with the superman set. They show him tanking bullets, having super speed, but he gets knocked out by a naked guy and Valkyrie completely washes them even though the MC seems more powerful based on description.
This is long winded. I’m sorry. Just want the best for this. It seems great.
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hmm dont know its kinda intresting but ad the same time a little mess ? (being nice) feels like you have tought trough it but than kinda got lazy and did mix randoms powers with the wrong ones (in the story not the powers itsself), mostly i feel like its more a novel than a choice game , you have something good here but its needs defentily work.
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Literally the boys
This is why I want a way to dominate Valkyrie since she’s the homelander of this universe. It would be great so great since the show homelander runs wild lol.
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Idk man the new Valkyrie has development of a child and behaves like a spoiled one as well that’s a downgrade from a Superman type Valkyrie who would still be at odds with the mc but has much more maturity than a child and is actually a good person and most importantly she is a proper functioning adult lol she might have other issues and problems but isn’t scum of the world like the new female homelander Valkyrie.Our Mc being Vigilante would have more compelling storyline with the Superman type Valkyrie whereas the new one has only place that is 6 feet under.
I think that’s what the author wants though. She’s homelander which is a man child in the show and pushes everyone around like a spoiled brat. I understand the older one was more like superman but the author clearly changed the entire direction of the game. (I did not play before the change so I have no idea what kinda person Valkyrie was before)
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I will say it again I have no problem with this game being imitation of the boys as long as we have more choices and our choices matter I have no problem with the game also I hope a mode to be added where we have all of the powers at once it will be extremely badass
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