I deeply concur with Lili and Talyrion. I’m personally not a fan of 1st person pov writing (I’d rather it say you do than I do. Idk, my braing gives more agency in second person) 3rd person pov (it disconnects me from my character) and the screenplay style writing of "Name: ‘text spoken’
It feels really flat and it cuts the writing a bit. Emotions are much harder to display thanks to the clear cut between the two. It also doesn’t help that it flip flops between this style, first person, second person and third person pov seemingly at complete random. It is rather jarring.
Also. As others pointed out. While this is still a prologue so I don’t tend to point out choices early. There seems to be quite a clear lack of agency in a great deal of your character. While it’s clear you character will be an anti hero and that’s to be expected. Anti-heros are not one single type. Some are motivated by greed. Vengeance. Ego. A sense of moral superiority or indifference. The way it’s written seems to not only force you down the route of hardcore vengeance. But doesn’t really leave you room to elaborate upon your characters responses or personality. Some more choices would be appreciated. I might like to play a more brooding no-nonesense stoic anti-heros for example but the emotion constantly displayed and the chattiness of the MC seems to go against that.
The tools are jarring. While I am a big fan of Powerful MCs, this really tends to break the immersion as it’s never defined how you got so well trained or how you became able to springboard off rocks. Since as far as I understood. Your neogene ability is extreme regeneration. But not physical abilities… A bit more time spent showcasing how the MC became so skilled. With maybe options for specialized training so that you can play a set style of character (I.E a more gun focused MC or a flashy martial artist) would be quite nice and help both build up the 6 years of time passing as well as show why you went from a small relatively ordinary child to what seems to be a bad ass killing machine.
I will refrain from repeating the feedback on things already provided like the gender not being recognised half the time
but I noticed a different error near the end of Serdinos fight.
I have loved the game so far, and I’m really enjoying the narration style through which the author has decided to write this story. This has been something that I have seen very few writers implement, and so far it’s working out pretty well.
One thing I would like to add here is the fact that my boy, MC, is way too smart for an ordinary 6-year-old. I mean, for him to not only understand and process what actually happened to his parents at such a young age but also his decision to commit himself to his pathway to vengeance and the whole ideology seems pretty far-fetched. Maybe anyone can help me understand this specific point.
It’s not bad for the first release of the story. U probably just missed some things when u made it. It just needs a bit polish on a few things otherwise it’s fine.
okay this one was really cool. i really liked the idea of an anti hero and i find it very interesting. will definitely be waiting for m ore. good luck.
The narration is bit off to me. It works for me in a VN. As its more visual than blocks of text.
I can’t dive in when I see my name or others the way its written. If I can’t dive, then its more 3rd person and I wouldn’t care if everyone dies. I don’t feel like its me there.
It seemed to be a good story besides the disconnect.
Lol it’s tacky and cringe is what it is. The camera perspective throws me off.
Oi there @Reiner There are no pronoun variables at all when I checked for the code, one moment MC is a he and then a she but then again gender neutral despite not having that choice.
All those prisoners refer to MC as a man.
Valkyrie asks who MC is and then calls MC as Requiem? I don’t know, this entire thing feels completely off, it’s a linear story (prologue?) masquerading as an IF but failing on being either of these.
The way this is written is messing it all up because it’s supposed to be an interactive fiction.
MC somehow managed to keep their traumatic superpower awakening from their grandma. Didn’t anyone notify her about fire in MC school? Didn’t she notice MC torn and burned clothes? I think it would make more sense if superpower-awakening fire happened after grandma’s death, when MC lived in some upderfunded and understaffed orphanage where staff barely keeps track on their children.
“At my chest belt, the Aetherium 9 waits, a silent sentinel of lethal precision. Its weight familiar against my hip” - is your pistol on your chest belt or on your hip? Or do humans on planet Zelara have very strange body proportions?
“I make my own choices, and I accept the consequences”, MC says, but there aren’t consequences for some important choices, like killing Jeremy the guard.
Killing the guard should of caused the hero to be more aggressive for murdering a normal guy compared to the prison death. It’s just ignored. I just gonna beat the crap out of the hero that let parents die later.
Reads through the whole, especially the beginning that reads much like a script
Ho…? I don’t know if this is your intention of doing so or not but I feel like you’re trying to simulate a dissociation disorder perhaps even derealization of the MC’s self before their parents and grandmother’s death. If that is so I applaud you. This feels pretty accurate as sometimes one with a dissociation disorder sometimes they are living their life or life leading up to a certain trauma like a script, which you have put here. If that was your intention @Reiner I enjoyed it immensely. Your imagination is something so far
Very Batmanish indeed as Bruce sees Batman as his main persona and Bruce as the dissociation so to speak. Then again it’s been years since I’ve seen the more modern portrayals of Batman so I can could be wrong or dipped into dissociation disorders since my college research papers so anyone is free to correct me.
I am curious if we will dissociate when we look back at our past self again or forced to be outside out anti heroic persona?
As the rest of the story…hmmm I will say that it’s got me hooked especially the action scenes bloody but not overly so. I like anti heroes more than heroes or villains these days so bookmarked for later.
Follow your heart bud I look forward to seeing more of this gritty world of yours.
Or you literally can go eye for an eye first. Kill their family first to make the hero suffer then put them out of their misery when you allow them to die
Well accident or not clearly he wasn’t clearly wasn’t thinking of keeping the fight away from citizens, I bet even captain of the hero team chewed him out
as I continue to read the story I am noticing it is treating me like I am male, it has used son again in reference to my female MC, I even restarted to ensure I had selected a female MC and it is as if I had chosen a male MC, so my suggestion is to check your code about the gender choice because I think its reading it wrong
Apart from the fact Mc is only meant to target bad guys to put down permanently. Heroes would probably have that kind of intel under lock and key at HQ which is too risky right now
