Preeeeetttty much what the title says, my review or play through on the new, shiny, lovely text based game Heroes Rise: Prodigy~
Wicked awesome game and god diggity dang it, GO PLAY IT. At least the preview, all of which you can find at Choiceofgames.com. But after going through it once, twice, thrice to see all the different routes I thought I’d post something about my experiences. Whhhhy? Because their games need more love! Hopefully this way they’ll get it, I want to support something I love and I’m going to do it the only way Tumblr likes it- WITH GIFS! So many gifs it will slow down your WHOLE computer, MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, plus it’s also a hellofa lot more fun this way. Beware to you peeps out there who haven’t played it yet, there will be spoilers, so suck it up if you don’t want them spoils. But anymoos, enjoy! I sure as hell had fun >3 Well you pretty much start as some shmoe, living in the far far future, in a city brimming with SUPAH HURR-OES! Yessss, there’s millions of them and the problem is you’ve always wanted to be a super hero too.
Just like your mom and dad, who are currently in prison for accidentally killing one of their archenemies. You got Judge Victon to thank for that and ripping your parents from you, not letting you visit them or even HUG them goodbye. We hate him, boooooo, hiss spittle. The reason you can’t become a Supe’ today is because you lack a Super Hero licence, kind if like a driver’s licence. You can’t even use your powers to fly through the sky, you have to take the tram like the rest of the losers. But! There is hope, because once you are home (You got a Peter Parker, Auntie Em thing going on there, living with your Grandma) you get yourself a birthday prezzie from your grams~ That’s right! Your license to wear spandex and kick some ass!
But before you go zooming through the skies and blasting away the bad guys, you must first pick your Super Hero name! I named my character Luther Laclair, a fabulously gay boyo droolin’ over his poster of the current heartthrob of the city, Black Magic. After giving him a traditional comic book name with the double letters, I pondered what his codename be. I eventually brain farted out Orpheus. I could go on and on with some bullshit how it works with his powers, or inspired from his mother the Sound, or some other thing so freshly pulled from my ass it’s still warm, but nope. I just thought it sounded cool, duuuurrr derp. <_>
NOW MY FRIENDS! It is time to rock this city and show them villains your boot to their asses! But…. where to start? With tons of other rookies hungry for some ass booting, you can’t really stumble upon a robbery or something without a clusterfuck of other rookies swarming on your game. (Oh, oh how it reminds me of World of Warcraft, the killerstealers, KILLSTEALERS EVERYWHERE!) So it is time to hook up with yer gal-pal Jenny, your agent who can hook you up~ I loved Jenny, she was too awesome and demands the highest of fives. She’s mah home girl, mah sistah from another mistah~
She’s got your back, bro, and hooks ya up with your first case. To get back a magical death wand stolen from some rich dude. Sounds easy enough, no? WELL TURNS OUT SOME ULTIMATE CRIME BOSS NAMED SMYTHER HAS GOTS IT, SHIT JUST GOT REAL ROOKIE. Meeeh, you can handle it~ What can go wrong, you got this, not like you’re going to get hypnotized by the boobs of the crime boss’ ex-ladyfriend~ Yuppers, I ain’t joking, I tried to sneak into the back of a club the crime boss might be in annnnd come face to face with a chick who can hypnotize you with her boobs! I mean eyes! Noooo Orpheus!! You’re gay, you shouldn’t be even looking at her tits, use your gay powers of resistance! Resist the hypnoboobs!!!! And with such great gay powers, I was able to get it together enough to tip her off about the police heading for the club, so she turns off her seducing headlights and struts off like a boss. Phew, you sure dodged a slutty bullet on that one and discover she put a whip in your hand while you were zoning. Um, kinky. But it turns out it’s a telelock or something that will teleport you to Smyther so you can get back the magical death stick. Woohoo~!! What a nice lady. Just then, you feel a tap on your shoulder and turn around to face THIS: Some dude named Jury hittin’ on you, thinking’s he’s all that and a bag of chips; trying to get in on your case. Turns out he’s the son of Judge Victon, the guy who shipped your folks to the hoosegow! Well I ain’t got no time for this little snot feelin’ up my hip and as disappointed as I was that “kick him in the crotch” was not option, I settled for knocking him out with a good healthy energy blast. Mwahahahah, suck on that, ‘stud’~! Back to the telelock thingiemahbob, you surge it with power and somehow unlock it and WHOOOSH! You are teleported to the crime boss himself, SMYTHER! Aw shi- This not good, he pretty much has a mini army behind his little throne, the damned magical death stick in hand and all guns pointed at you….no wait, not at you… Some crazy chick decked out all in kevlar. And she’s killin’ everybody. She pulls out two huge laser gun out of her perky ass and starts making KO’s left and right. And then she grabs the magical death stick for herself. Fffff- OH NO SHE DI-N’T! I take out this crazy bitch, crashing into her and taking it outside for a good ass-kickin’. Well, not really, she uses the magical death stick to control gravity and pound you through the rooftop. But before you can shove your boot twenty inches up her ass, kevlar girl destroys the magical death stick, declares she’s named Prodigal and flips off into the night while the fuzz hit the scene. WELL FUUUU-! Well the police come upon the charred remains of the magical death stick and the mass murder of the crime boss’ goons, saying you’re responsible. It’s in all the papers now how you royally fucked up and everyone hates you. Intro into weeks of depression and gross sobbing.. Well so far being a supe’ is noooot going good but I swear to god when I see that Prodigal chick again, BITCH I WILL CUT YOU!
But your grams coaxes you out of your morbid mourning of your fail career and makes you get a sidekick. Oh lovely, I’m flashing on Batman’s Robin, who wants a ten year old in tights? PEDOPHILES THAT’S WHO, but no you get to choose from three kiddos.
Sparrow (Ahahahaha, not Robin but close)
A gnome boy with a peg leg (I’m not joking)
Aaaand some rich girl who’s a water bender
So I went with Sparrow because she sounded normal..ish, plus who doesn’t love birds? Birds are awesome, right Hitchcock?
So I and bird girl fly off to go kick some ass, break up a gang battle between goat people and lizard people (no joke) and get my sorry ass saved by her. I AM SUCH A GOOD SUPER HERO. So after all the funness, I hooks up with mah galpal Jenny again and she’s got a new case that will hopefully save my reputation. (I ain’t telling you what it is, PLAY THE GAME)
But when you’re on the case, perched upon the rooftops of the city like Batman, someone perches onto your roof too for a chat. IT’S BLACK MAGIC, YOUR ALL TIME CRUSH DROP DEAD GORGEOUS HOT GUY.
Try not to jizz in your costume, Orpheus, lets hear this sex god out. He’s come looking for you for help on the case you’re working on right now and apparently you’ve died and gone to heaven. This game was handled very interestingly, where you choose his looks from actors and such of today. Like that twilight dude….. No. Just no. I even forgot what the other choices were because I scroll down and- what’s this? Type in who you want his looks to be based on? ……. Tom Hiddleston. Black Magic: Me: Well played, Zachary Sergi, well played~ So after gushing over him and getting a mental flashed strip tease (no joke <3), you two are assaulted by a bunch of freaking robots! So what do you do? Simple, let him fight the angry murderbots and save your ass by running away! :D (I laugh because it literally is one of the options in the game, pfft) Noooo, I got in the fight there with my glorious stud muffin and together we kick ass and defeat the murderbots with electrified marbles….. no shit. After all the excitement, he invites you back to the Avengers HQ- I mean, the Millennia Group HQ, bubbling with giddiness because the leader of the MG is apparently your favourite hero of all time, Rebellion. A seven foot man of bitchin’ IWILLFUCKYOUUP-ness.
Getting into the tube elevator with BM, he goes on about Prossy, HQ’s super computer Processor and her giant rack. …….
yup, you read that right.
( . Y . ) Moooooving right along, you get to the meeting room to talk to the other Aven- MG members about this important case and everyone’s nice enough to notice the big huge neon sign over your head flashing NOOBIE SUPE’.
Then mister bigshot comes on in, Rebelliooooooon, and I found it so cute how you fangirl all over him XD The grand meeting commences and everyone openly ignores you, making you feel oh so small and tiny until it’s finally over. FINALLY! Now you can start snogging Black Magic and get it o- oh wait, he wants you to get to know the rest of the team and make nice. Fffffff- but I ain’t even mad because he leaves you for the hospital ward with some good signals that he wants ta snog you too~ So I mousy on over to make nice with The Diva, the most fabulous old hag of the group who will always dress nicer than you, even if you try. She takes one look at me in my grubby costume and I feel I might as well be in rags. After a long hike to her room of fab to get all dolled up, some ass kissing and a mini verbal cat fight over BM’s tight sexy bum- we become the best of friends~<3 She puts a good word for you in with the rest of the members so it’s not so awkward this time rejoining the meeting, only as it wraps up… Rebellion pins you with his glowing orange gaze and tells you to come out to the hall with him for a little ‘talk’. Rebellion: Me: Ohshitohshitohshitohshit am I in trouble, I’m in trouble aren’t I, I’m so- oh it’s just him pulling you aside to tell you you just might make the team- FOOKING WHAAAA? AWWW YEAH- but then he mentions another person is up for the spot as well. What? Who? Who da hell is more suited for the job then moi? What they’re behind me? Turn around, oh my oh my look who it is, no other than the one and only… Jury. Oh hurraaayy, the tool bag is back and now we’re rivals, how niiiiiiice- YOU’RE GOING DOWN BITCH. You don’t scare me, I got this. So we get our chance to jockey for the position of the next team member with this mission to take down a splice club and HYNO-BOOB LADY, WE MEET AGAIN. Well you are going doooown, we got this, I got the frickin’ Avengers behind me.
All goes good so far- UNTIL YOU NEARLY DIE. The heeell hit you, you finally wake up from lalaland and JUST get out of the way to avoid your new enemy..or shall I say enemies. A trio of lava dripping magma teenager chicks. …….
Well this is one kick ass battle, with BM and Prossy the big boobed computer unconscious, you’re against them alone and lordy they are tough. You’re nearly burned alive and strangled at the same freaking time when suddenly BOOM! Rebellion apparently got thrown through the freaking wall and dusts himself off with barely a dent in him. He notices you, sucker punches the magma chick keeping you down and saving your ass before leaping back into his battle. …Like a boss. After coaxing your sugartits back to life, you and BM go to join the fight and looks like it’s time to take on Hypno-boob Lady! Done. Rebellion compliments you and even calls you impressive~ (I’m really startin’ to like him =w= ) Things are going good with Black magic and you even get a chuckle out of him as Jury skids in ready for battle …..after the battle… Life goes on after this, plenty happens I feel to lazy to comment on because I’m noticing this review is getting loooonger and looonger, you get plenty of good reputation back under your belt, you get somewhere more information on crazy kevlar girl Prodigal and head to her warehouse at the docks with Sparrow, full to the brim with more of those murderbots, all sleeping but then you fight a ten foot mummy. No joke. When all that’s said and done you suddenly get a call from Black Magic, calling for help OH GOD, DON’T WORRY I’M COMING BOO, I’LL SAVE YOU!!!! Flying at top speed, I get there in no time to find his whole apartment on fire and he’s trapped inside. Bursting in, I’m ready to save mah hunbun, but- wut? It was all a trick just to get me here to get it on? …. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT~! Black Magic: Well, there’s no reason to leave the man hanging, LETS ROMP! WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA’AM- I mean sir. And just in case you’re not fully understanding what wonderful things just transpired-
Light a cig’, that was one hell of a night~ As the morning dawns and BM brings your breakfast in bed (pancakes and french fries ….apparently in the future people eat weird shit, but hey if there’s chicken and waffles today, I’m sure pancakes and fries ain’t far from that » ) you two get to cuddling and chattin’ on and on, lovely dovey gooey goodness all around until he lets slip it was CRAZY ASS KEVLAR GIRL who set you two up. Eeerk! Stop the music- what? Well he seems innocent in knowing that the chick’s got it seriously out for you, you still have a meltdown hearing this and make a beeline for the liquor cabinet- I mean the bathroom to splash water on your face. But that’s not the end of freaky news, oh no, because as you fumble for a towel, you open up a secret room in his bathroom, a secret teleporter, which takes you to his super secret secret! And my GOD what a secret! Well, okay, it’s not so bad once you get over the shock of it. Turns out the only way he can recharge his powers and stay alive is to feed off life energy from the living. He’s not happy about it, he has to do this so he takes from only vegetables of people, abandoned by their families for being vegetables. Kind a like he’s a vampire, has to feed off the living to survive but he’s so guilty about this and with you finding out, he practically begs you to understand. And really, how the HELL can you not when the little shit gives you THIS face: Black Magic: Me: ugh, ooooh….ffffine! Look at that wobbly lip, I can’t leave you, come here for a hug. But back to business, because on your way back home from BM’s, you stumble upon a reporter that’s been following you non stop since your first case and she’s got biiiiiiiig news for you. You’re about to get awarded Hero-of-Tomorrow! Oh no, don’t start celebrating just yet because Prodigal kevlar girl is there to crash your party~ Giving you the hardest choice out of the whole game to make by making you save one person, while killing the other. DUN DUN DUUUN. You’re screwed now, because she’s now announced to the whole city that you just allowed someone to DIE! :D Go to angry mob~ But now you got bigger problems because now this crazy lady is after Jenny and your grandma. OH HELL NO, NO ONE HURTS MAH GRAMMY!!!!!!! Then after saving them, you’re met with an even bigger shocker as the world goes mad, discovering your sidekick was Prodigal the whole time. Then something weirder happens and you are knocked out, only to wake up in a coffin full of spide- SPIDERS?! AAAHHHHGETTHEMOFFGETTHEMOFFF!!!!
After blowing up the box and incinerating every eight legged freak on you, you find out you’ve been taken to kevlar girl’s lair of evilness, pictures of your parents and YOU all over the walls like some psycho obsessed fangirl. Oh my god, who the hell are you dealing with? And then she makes you read like a thirty page manifesto on her evil plans for you and the world… After a looong ass glorious battle to bitter end, you save the world, YAAY! Or don’t, depending on your poor choices. Aaaand I’m going to end this here because this is mammoth in size and I’m not giving away the juicy parts of the game. But over all, I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT! I was enthralled to the end and even then started over to play it again~ It is very well written and the way they handled combat in this one was a nice and interesting change, giving each move a cost (not just in choice and end result). All I can say is bravo, Zachary Sergi, bravo on a wonderful game and I can’t wait until the sequel! To all the lovely, wonderful people who actually DID read this whole thing through to the end, I love you and thank you! I hope I inspired you to play this game and enjoy it like I have~