Excellent opener for book 2 as far as I’m concerned. I was excited to jump back into the setting after book 1 and I can admit that I’m entirely satisfied with A’s scenes so far. Only missing element is the scarf hug.
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Just finished the demo and I’m a little intrigued at the the little political spat that is occurring between the Mayor and the Captain and what potential risks that posses to a politically ignorant detective. Nice world building @Seraphinite
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I agree with many of your points.
Things I'll add
- In character builder, regarding how MC feels about the whole supernatural world, there can be an “excitement” option, which ties in with the later options when bumping into the girl in the parking lot.
- When bumping into the girl in the parking lot, there can be an option that’s more like “I guess this is my life now” to reflect that acceptance.
- As mentioned by many above, please address the reason for no contact, especially from Rebecca.
- I feel like with A’s repressiveness, some MC may not be as patient. There can be more options that will try to bulldoze A’s emotional walls like the “you missed my input or missed me.” I’d like to see A squirm a little bit
- The scene with N outside the warehouse when he expresses guilt over Murphy, there can be an option like, “I still feel like crap but I’m counting on you to make up to me.”
- I think there’s a typo with one of the firefighters’ names? Should be “Michael” instead of “Micheal”?
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Isn’t the reason for the lack of contact from Rebecca that she had expend the last two months on desk work as a punishment for the DMB? So she couldn’t get away from it?
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When I saw this in work yeasterday morning, I’ve counted down the hours like never before 
. This made my day and it was definitely worth the wait! 
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I think in one of the points of your feedback you mentioned my post, which you can find here [The Wayhaven Chronicles: Book Two (WIP)](Link to my post)
Here are some more of my thoughts regarding the ending of the demo as well as N’s scenes together with a few suggestions to maybe improve upon them:
Summary
And I do agree with you on the bit about the reveal of the fog creating the carnival. I initially thought the carnival was somehow assembled during the fog, or like it was assembled before the fog and then the electricity was switched on as the fog rolled in. Or more precisely, I had the impression that the carnival was built just normally, without any supernatural interference, and the fog rolled in as soon as it was like opened or switched on?
Also I have been thinking a bit more about my feedback regarding N’s dialogue, and I don’t like to give criticism without also providing some helpful ideas to improve upon it. So to rectify that, I’d like to make a couple of suggestions that might help make N’s dialogue feel less forced and overtly dramatic and “Intense”.
- It might just be me, but during N’s dialogue and interactions with the detective in this demo it did feel like the focus was on relaying how the MC and N were drawn to each other, and there was this charged energy between them, how their interactions had this intensity.
Suggestion: Like I said in my earlier post, during the reunion scene I feel like it was just too MUCH electricity and intensity, especially for the general mood of the reunion and keeping in mind that this is a very early stage in their relationship, where they’re just realizing that they maaybe they’re having more than just platonic feelings for each other.
Maybe it would help to shift the focus away from the intensity and lean more into the general anxiety and excitement that both UB (and specifically N) and the detective feel towards their reunion. As well as the uncertainty of what the other person actually feels. ("Do I have feelings for them? Do they for me? Is what happened during Book 1 gonna affect things? Did I just imagine that there was something between us?)
- During the scene of N and the detective walking back to the car, my impression was that there was too much of a focus to again give them some charged, flirty double-entendre banter, and what got lost was this general relaxed, calming presence that N seemed to have during book 1 and the friendly, honest kind of way that they interacted with the MC that made them so approachable and, well, attractive. This very intense flirting and direct use of double meaning that was used now felt out of place and too charged for this situation, and honestly it felt like N was coming on way too strong.
Suggestion: One thing that drew me personally to N, and I’m sure others as well, was that they were the first of the team to actually approach the detective with respect, professionalism, encouragement and openess. (A outright worked against the MC, M pretty much just ignored them, F seemed more amused about them and made my MC feel like they didn’t really take them seriously, at first)
Maybe it would be beneficial to this scene to lean more into that side of N? Like, I get the feeling that they are someone who is pretty good at reading moods and people, and I bet they’d catch on to the detective being nervous about the reunion, maybe nervous about working with the Agency. And I can absolutely see N subtly approaching this topic by maybe opening up the conversation to the car that the team did miss the detective (maybe with a bit of a slipup of “I - I mean the team missed you”) and that the team didn’t feel quite complete during their absence.
Like reassure the detective, and let the conversation go from there, if that makes sense? And the flirtations could be more subtle, where both N and the detective aren’t really sure if they other one was flirting or not and it’s a bit awkward and leaves them still unsure about what is going on between them?
But those are just suggestions, just some thoughts from somebody who loves writing relationships in that kind of stage, and I’m gonna love the second book because you are a really good writer, and I’m excited to see how the story develops.
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Can you put your comment under a cut, please? Sera asked on the first post to not reveal things from the demo like this, just in case others haven’t play certain paths yet
If you don’t know how to put things under a cut, you just need to first, click edit in your comment, then, select the text you want to put under a cut, click the wheel that you have on the right side of the comment box, and click hide details
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Nice catch on the misspelling, but the 2nd “error” is actually fine. It’s a complex sentence, and it’s punctuated correctly. 
OmG Yess. I loved the first one and i definitely cannot wait for the second one.
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Oh of course, sorry I wasn’t aware! I’ve hidden most of the content now.
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Hmm, quote won’t work for blurred text.
Anyway, being on desk duty is not the same as being in prison. All that means is she’s not in the field. She has access to a phone, I’m sure, to continue her work (she lives on that thing). Even if they are working her non-stop (which I doubt very much as everything that’s been said about the Agency suggests they are quite concerned with their agents’ health and happiness) she’s gotta have bathroom breaks, right? Can’t call her kid then? What about at night?
People make time for what they consider important.
I’m just saying that as its currently written, she comes across very unloving and like she learned nothing from book 1.
Yes thank you! That’s it! I apologize for not crediting you, I went up and down the thread and obviously missed it every time.
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But she does call MC, just not long conversations. MC knowing about the supernaturals doesn’t change how her work has always been.
And tbh, I’m pretty sure those conversations are not specified so people can headcanon them.
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No, that’s definitely a mistake. The word “that” doesn’t carry the meaning intended through context, and the sentence isn’t syntactically correct.
It is fine actually. “That” is a subordinating conjunction. The meaning carries through just fine. It may not be how you would phrase it yourself, but it is correct.
Let’s not clog up this thread with grammar debate. Sera will either change it or let it stand as is. 
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I have to second @Meira_Litch here, Sera probably left it vague on purpose so that the player can interpret the MC’s relationship and interactions with Rebecca how they want. If you want to have it be that Rebecca and the MC had no contact, that’s your interpretation, when I played I saw it differently. Sera has often been vague about Rebecca and the MC’s interactions outside of the books so the player can fill the blanks how they choose.
I mean, the MC said they have “barely heard” from Rebecca not “haven’t heard” so its pretty vague. For example an MC who is close to their mother it could mean a once a week call compared to, say, every other day if that’s what they’re used to.
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I hope you don’t mind if I chime in here. Because this is definitely true, but none of it is particularly relevant to the point @sharknap is trying to make imo? They weren’t necessarily implying that there had been zero contact with Rebecca. Rather they were saying that there had been no improvement over how things were before and, if anything, things had gotten worse. As you mentioned, the phrasing “barely heard” implies that there was less contact than usual from Rebecca despite the fact that desk duty would reasonably allow her more opportunity for something as simple as a phone call than something like field missions would. Especially considering the trauma the detective just went through, the fact that there is less contact than usual rather than more, with no really strong reason given, does imply some things about Rebecca.
It’s clear from what Sera has said that this wasn’t her intention and that this reading of the game isn’t the intended one, but it’s undeniably a possible reading and that is exactly why it is useful to point things like these out. So that Sera can make sure that the way she intends her work to be read is also the way it will be read.
If there’s a concern that this would make the relationship between Rebecca and the detective too defined and leave too little room for choice, there’s always the option of including a choice about how the detective feels about Rebecca’s attempts to get in touch, or how often they stay in touch in general
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Of course I don’t mind!
Well, I would argue that would depend a lot of how you play your MC. If your MC and Rebecca are close its not completely out of the realm of possibility that during their brief contact Rebecca and the MC did talk about things and work trough stuff. And, well, just because shes not doing field work doesn’t mean shes not busy. She did have to sneakily buy a warehouse, sneakily build an underground base, keep an eye on the Supernaturals coming in, including ones who are actively after the MC, keep track of Unit Bravo which is probably a full time job right there and all that while under the Agency’s critical eye after she bent the rules. Plus I’d argue its the same as the lack of contact with UB, it could’ve simply been too dangerous until their base was ready.
I agree that more clarity it probably not a bad thing. Maybe include a line during the meeting with UB and Rebecca when they mention the few supernaturals that were actively targeting the MC? Something from Rebecca or the RO like “this is why we haven’t been able to get into contact sooner, it was too dangerous” or something to that affect.
I would argue against a choice about how often they kept in touch, unless it was more about how often the MC tried to reach out to her, I wouldn’t want to make choices about what Rebecca does. Though a choice about how the MC feels might not be bad, and, hey, it might come up later still.
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I believe everyone is forgetting that desk duty is a punishment because Rebecca stole DMB right from under the Agency’s nose. She, in essence, turned mild traitor.
If you guys don’t think Rebecca was drowning in expense reports, small-time complaints, requisitions, maybe even answering phones (oh god), little tiny things that build up to being a 7-7 job, then you…probably haven’t been punished by paperwork, lol.
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And now I will forever head canon that Rebecca, at least once, fell asleep while on the phone with the MC. MC was innocently talking about their day, maybe about to ask about their RO, and then just loud snores erupted from the phone.
And that the fact that Rebecca looked so nice when she saw the MC means she actually went out of her way to look nice to see her child again, like, the day before. Or even right before sent the note. She can’t let her baby see her looking like an exhausted wreck! The warehouse was actually finished the day before but Rebecca was like “WAIT, I’M NOT READY”
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