Which is fine! Both of those are perfectly reasonable explanations and they’re what I assume Sera was going for. I’m not commenting on the quality of the reason behind the gap, my comment was about how said reason is presented in game. Right now it feels like there is… basically no explanation at all, which feels very odd to me given how close MC was getting to UB right before the end of book one and how close they are shown to be now at the start of book 2. Even a single throw-away line about how MC was told not to get in contact with UB after they left the hospital because [whatever reason Sera has in mind] would be fine! As long as there is an acknowledgement of the why and the how of the break in contact, as right now it kind of seems like UB just disappeared, which I assume is not the intended way of reading the scene
Well, these are just the first three chapters and the meeting with UB was pretty brief. We might get an explaination later, ya know?
And as I also mentioned in my original comment, I’d be very happy if that turns out to be the case! I by no means like questioning Sera’s work, but as these kinds of WIP threads are, amongst other things, meant for feedback, it seemed only prudent to give said feedback. (which I might do more later in a more detailed post when I’ve had a chance to reread everything and really get my thoughts in order, but as this stood out to me, well, no time like the present)
(I know I literally just released the demo yesterday, but I like to keep on top of progress reports anyway )
Well, this week was a hectic one
Most of my time was spent getting the demo ready for release!
Today I will be spending my time editing in any errors people have managed to catch and some of the feedback I’ve gotten, though these edits won’t be added into the demo until the full demo is released (Chapter 6)
But I’m hoping that means I can get back to writing on Chapter 4 starting next week and pushing ahead on what’s to come, hehe
Hope everyone has an absolutely fantastic weekend!
Ahhh the demo was so GOOD!!
Everytime I go through love triangle scenes.
Choosing Nate or Adam and hurting the other is torture
Eventually no romancers will probably get a path involving investigating sewers or something equally punishing for disobeying the romantic theme I’m guessing.
gasp Water temple.
MC: “…the fuck?”
I can’t tell if you’re joking or serious, but quite frankly the way you keep saying that Sera will punish you for choosing the no-romance path is irritating and is rather insulting to Sera.
She wants to deliver a great game that everyone will enjoy, including the people who choose not to romance anyone in Unit Bravo. Romancing Unit Bravo happens to be a major conceit of the game, yes, but it’s called the Wayhaven Chronicles not the Unit Bravo Chronicles. Even if you don’t romance anyone, she wants you to be able to enjoy the game for what it is, she wants Wayhaven, the town, to be a haven from the things you don’t like in life, but the way you talk about it just seems to throw it back in her face and I do not appreciate that at all.
You don’t have to romance Unit Bravo, and yes, you will get comparatively less content, but you will still get the same compelling story as everyone else simply without a romantic subplot. There is no punishment, no retribution, for not romancing anyone, that’s not the point of the game. The point of the game is to enjoy it but you never talk about it like you enjoy it, and it aggravates me that you continue to come on here seemingly to spread negativity about the game and about Sera.
I’m sorry I’ve dragged the conversation in this direction, but I’m just very, very irritated right now, and I apologize for that.
Regardless, this is in the work-in-progress thread. If you’re not going to provide any feedback, at least take your comments to the general discussion thread so that we can stay as on topic as possible and help Sera make the best game possible.
I completely agree.
This is Sera’s story to tell. Naturally, she has certain expectations of how this story is to be enjoyed.
Throughout this whole process, she’s been incredibly accommodating towards different play styles and receptive towards constructive criticisms. However, the difference between constructive criticism, and, well, whatever this is, is that the former provides her a direction to work towards.
I see Takashi I feel loved
100% agree, sometimes the forum gets “slightly” carried away when talking about another authors’ work, thats all I have to say about it
Guys, please, I think most of us agree with what impeccably-stressed said, but also, please, take any more of this conversation, or anything non related to book 2 and feedback to the other thread.
Sera is really exited with this project (and who wouldn’t?), so let’s try to keep at least this WIP as negative-free as we can :D. I’m sure no one wants her to come back here and find this has gone down an argument.
With this said, I step out now from this, following my own advice
Nit-picky grammar note: despite the popular use of it by some teachers, commas are not actually the places you pause to take a breath. There are pretty specific grammatical rules about comma usage (one summary that seems to hit most of them can be found here), and “where you breathe” is not among them. There is a missing comma in that sentence, but it is near the end and wouldn’t really help with your breathing if you’re relying on commas to pause for breath.
The only out of place items are my remnants of what I used to make breakfast peeking through the doorway as they sit on the countertop in the kitchen, which adjoins to the living room.
This reflects the missing comma (which is an appositive), and I corrected a minor pluralization agreement issue. If the sentence says “peeking through the doorway as it sits”, as currently written, then “it” agrees with “doorway”, the singular object, and the sentence says “peeking through the doorway as the doorway sits on the countertop”, which doesn’t make sense. By making it read “peeking through the doorway as they sit”, it now refers to the items, plural, and the sentence says, “peeking through the doorway as the items sit on the countertop”.
yesssssssss thank god its here! I’ve been bored replaying all the games I already have, it’s finally here!!! Yayayayay
I love the demo and I really don’t see any grammar errors.
But there was some parts that I was a little bothered by but these are mostly nit picks…
(i’m sorry if this come off as rude.)
-There was really no explanation on why UB left the detective for two months.
-While all the other ro’s had their talk about how they failed to protect the mc, M was the only who didn’t have this scene.
-In the warehouse scene with ub I didn’t know who was talking(aside from when m’s the ro) so I was confused on why there was a flirting choice in the choice option.
-I’ve noticed that flirting makes you miss out on somethings.
-There wasn’t an none or all option when choosing who you became the most friendly with.
-When choosing people as a skill first you get an grayed out option if you try to pick it again when asked about a secondary skill.
These the only things I could think of and maybe I didn’t read it from word to word.but these are just somethings I’ve noticed and confused about(so I hope you could explain it.)(but I do love the fact that the non bold flirting option feels more like “well this is awkward” than lots of stuttering and blushing.)
Book 2 yeah here I come Morgan!
that’s because M still doesn’t care (or at least that’s what M thinks!) for the detective. they only care about getting in the detective’s pants. M’s feelings will only come out in later books.
I lost almost an entire day to playing and replaying and looking at the code of this demo and it was time well spent, I say. I didn’t find Wayhaven in time to comment at all on book one, so this is very exciting for me.
Insert “This is my favorite game on the Citadel” joke
I noticed a couple pronoun mistakes, but I think they’ve already all been pointed out, so I’ll skip those.
Things I liked!
I do really love how you describe nature and outdoor scene settings and weather. You’re very good at setting a mood with atmosphere.
Height! Differences! Kisses fingertips
The laundry scene, as has been mentioned a number of times by now I’m sure, was amazing and did a lot for making M feel more real for me. They are the hardest of the four for me to connect to, since the vast majority of their lines so far are shallow innuendo or dismissive aggression. More scenes like this would be heartily welcome.
Last book, I admit the love triangle felt rushed for me and I had a hard time connecting with it, but I felt a lot better about it right out of the gate in the demo and its reading well for me here.
I love that we have a scar and I love that we can be traumatized from the Murphy stuff. That might sound odd, but a story carries weight when there are consequences and impact from events, good or bad. Otherwise the whole thing feels shallow like our choices and experiences don’t matter. I know you’ve answered asks before saying you don’t want to get into the trauma much (which is your right as the author!) but I think this works as a compromise. I do hope we get more discussion (possibly with our RO or the one we are closest friends with? Or both!) about how our detective is coping/struggling. Maybe more solitary moments to reflect like the morning scene and more chances to react to things from a traumatized/ on edge pov.
Cannot wait for the Bobby/Bravo introduction scene. I am grinning like F just thinking about it.
Really excited for a carnival story!
I appreciated all the loving digs at Car and I feel like its perhaps in worse shape than last book? Am I imagining that? (I’m all for it its hilarious at this point)
The library is a space my mc would like to move in to please. Also there’s a fancy gym and a game room. Does this mean a sweaty work out scene and/or card game/playing pool scene?
Can we pet the dog?
I’d be curious to learn more about the town. The mention of the firehouse made me want to know more about the layout and visit more places.
Things that were confusing
The description of the fog rumbling and billowing and filling in space was quite cool and I was able to picture and hear it in my head easily, but the visuals of it turning into a circus were a bit confusing. When I first read it I thought it was a zebra monster or something? It wasn’t until I read others’ comments that I realized what it was supposed to be. In hindsight I can see it, but my mind jumped to animal with the mention of legs and things. Maybe throwing in “fabric” or “tent flap” or just something to suggest this is not a striped multi-legged fog monster?
The layout of the foyer and how it attached to/fit inside the interior of the warehouse was a little confusing to me. Is this a super huge warehouse? Or more short in height but long? And not one large room, but split into sections? From what a could tell, the foyer is round with many doorways to staircases all going down, but also some doorways lead to hallways instead? And some of it is within the actual warehouse with windows to the outside and they only connect to the lower half thru the foyer? I realize this might not be important to everyone, but I’m a heavily visual reader so I like to understand what the characters are walking around in and it was hard to get my bearings.
Are we going to be able to state outright that nothing would happen with M unless we know each other better? So far it feels more like that ultimatum has been cheekily danced around and suggested but not directly stated to them.
An option that’s not dismissive or redirecting when N brings up Murphy. It kind of felt like the only options were to distract from/lessen the reality of our own pain or worry about N’s pain. N is the kind of person you could be honest with about how you are doing.
Perhaps a more emotionally neutral curious-but-still-positive option for the “thinking about supernaturals around town” choice so there’s more than just the Sugoi Squeal.
Someone else mentioned this first upthread and I can no longer find it but I agree than N’s outside-the-warehouse dialogue felt a little odd, or at least the bold flirt option dialogue did. Maybe tilted more toward awkward-script-reading and less toward natural sexy? Like talking about meetings as sexy made me laugh and not in a good way. Man, writing emotion is friggin’ hard, I feel for the writers out there. I did love N’s waiting for the detective scene, though.
Regarding the LT; will we get a chance to bring up the option of polyamory with one or both of them (even though obviously they will shoot it down)? I think if its not addressed in-game, it feels like this elephant in the room. This is a problem almost all love triangles in media have, really, as everyone pretends it doesn’t exist. I say this as a monogamous person.
Things that didn't quite work for me
Sigh… Rebecca. With how much she made sad faces and talked about how maybe they could start to heal their relationship now that the mc knows what she does, to find out she’s barely communicated with her child STILL in the weeks after they had a major traumatic event which some would argue was directly related to her inaction in informing her kid they were in danger (especially for someone who supposedly will break all rules to keep their kid safe) is… incredibly damning for me and makes everything she says now seem hollow and like she only remembers she cares when her kid is directly in front of her. Now, if that was what it’s supposed to come off as, then I have no problem and I will rightfully hate her from now on. I’m just emphasizing it to double check you want her to come off this cold and terrible? She seems to only care about her kid’s physical safety and not one wit about their emotional health (on top of the unreliability and emotional distance and hypocritical moral stances and controlling behavior, of course). At this point I’m having a hell of a time finding anything redeeming about her at all as a parent. (She’s a very complicated and interesting character! Just not a likable one, especially with the demo content.)
That last point said, I’ve been finding a need for more forceful dialogue options when speaking to Rebecca. Ignoring her comments is a good start, but too passive for my detective. Rolling the eyes might be good, as well as options to tell her to back off or stop treating her kid like a possession.
I agree with @EvilChani that we need a reason for no contact for 2 months. Especially because it seems both sides wanted that contact. There have been some suggested reasons for this, and they are all great, but it can’t be up to the reader to invent these reasons. The story needs to stand on it’s own. It might very well be stated later on! But we read the story linearly, which means this confusion will continually come up no matter if its explained later.
Also second @EvilChani 's need for M to get some cool polarized shades for those baby greys.
Purely my love for over-analyzing A and hopeful suggestions
A has had quite an emotional evolution since the end of book 1: not only have they come to terms in some form in their head, but they’re openly telling the mc these things too (while still sort of fighting themself but so much of the resistance I was expecting was gone). Obviously not revealing the depth of their feelings, but still admitting things like “I missed you”, “I want to spend more time with you”, “I’m glad that you’re here”, “I hope you stay” all with an easily readable subtext of romantic interest. Tbh I’m very surprised (not in a bad way!). Will we get to see how that evolution unfolded? Or at least their thought process for reaching this point?
The option to sort of gently confront A to clarify (“You missed my input or you missed me?”) was so very welcome. My mc is pretty straight-forward emotionally and at this point she’d start being a lot more direct in getting an answer while still understanding that this is obviously hard for A even if she doesn’t yet know the reason why.
Overall, an great first demo. Everything flowed really well and easily felt like the same story as book 1.