This was really interesting. I’m not sure exactly how fleshed out it is yet, but it certainly leaves the reader asking questions and excited for more.
I feel strange about way MC reacts to be asked their gender. Particularly as a trans person, I have different views on and understandings of the constructs of sex and gender and what exactly it means to “look” male or female. Intersex players may feel similarly.
I’m not asserting that a trans option is necessary, but in many games like this something like that is left open-ended enough to be up to interpretation. Otherwise you’re essentially telling the reader, “Your character isn’t trans and/or intersex.” This can be very alienating for a second person POV game.
That being said, many games are written in such ways and it is your game. Just some constructive criticism from a different perspective if you were interested😄
The only other thing that caught my attention was the mention of weaponized machines being used for war as a positive. I feel that this fails to acknowledge the complexities of war and the likelihood of countries to use this type of new technology to destroy conquer one another (particularly countries like Britian and the US who have histories of violent colonization and genocide). Especially with how money driven and money prioritized capitalist society is, with little regard for human life.
I’m glad you liked it so far! And as for the comments…
This is something I’ve been making the attempt to fix. Personally, I’m not trans, or anything like that. I’m just a boring white guy. So I may be lacking a bit of the perspective or experience it would take to truly get it right. Ultimately, I’ve fallen into the opinion of, “I’m not really going to add a trans/intersex/etc.” option because honestly, I’m not sure I’m prepped to handle that with the delicacy that it tends to require. I’m still a novice writer, and a novice programmer at that.[quote=“sammyboy, post:41, topic:25888”]
The only other thing that caught my attention was the mention of weaponized machines being used for war as a positive. I feel that this fails to acknowledge the complexities of war and the likelihood of countries to use this type of new technology to destroy conquer one another
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Ultimately, as lame as an answer as this might be, it’s my answer regardless: I’m not here to talk about politics, or the complexities of war, etc. As it stands now, I’m here to tell a semi-sci-fi story in a dystopian setting.The only reason I spun the military applications of mechinization as a positive was because the general theme of the exposition that I was going for was “Wow, this stuff is great… Until it backfires!” It wasn’t my intention to truly glorify the subject one way or the other. If it truly feels like I missed the mark entirely, please, tell me what you’d rather see! I’m going to be rewriting some of the expository scenes sometime soon anyways, and if you have advice on what to add/take away, I’d be happy to hear it.
And there’s nothing wrong with that! I’m actually unsure as to whether or not I’ll be putting a trans option in my own WIP as of this moment.
However, my point was more about the fact that MC’s reaction more or less asserted that they cannot be trans and/or intersex (or gender non conforming/ambiguous, for that matter), not that there isn’t a more inclusive gender choice. One doesn’t need to explicitly write a trans option for the possibility of a trans MC to exist, they only need to assure that they are not outright denying said possibility.
You seem to have misunderstood. I was mostly commenting on the fact that it’s highly questionable to think that several countries suddenly having access to new, more deadly technology wouldn’t lead to extreme negative consequences. Similar to the idea of a military force having access to nuclear weaponry–it’s only ever a pleasant thought if you happen to live in a country that has this power behind it (and often not even then).
And it’s more than likely that deadly weapons will eventually end up in the hands of those with ill intentions, whoever one believes that to be. I’m simply skeptical of the idea that few people would be concerned about this. After all, there are already people who protest the hell out of war, and plenty of them would do no less than attempt to overthrow their own government at the idea of using autonomous killing machines against civilians. Not to mention there’s the question of what happens when governments decide to use these against their own people.
Simply put, I’d expect there would be a decent number of survivors that ended up living because of their concern about governments killing everyone/taking over with new deadly weaponry in addition to folks who got bad vibes from the idea of autonomous machines.
But I do want to clarify that my response here is just me trying to elaborate because I feel my points weren’t fully understood–I’m not trying to argue or anything. Because ultimately, it doesn’t really matter much what I, specifically, would like to see. I’m one reader, one voice, of many. And it’s your story! If you don’t feel that rewriting or adding certain things will improve upon it, then it’s likely that they won’t. Writing something one doesn’t want to write usually doesn’t yield good results😄
Ah, sorry for misunderstanding what you were saying. I do know that I didn’t write the gender scene as properly as I should have- in fact, I edited it earlier today. Which actually begs the question, are you talking about the original gender scene, or the updated one? Because if there’s still fault with the updated one, I need to dive back in and fix it.[quote=“sammyboy, post:43, topic:25888”]
You seem to have misunderstood. I was mostly commenting on the fact that it’s highly questionable to think that several countries suddenly having access to new, more deadly technology wouldn’t lead to extreme negative consequences. Similar to the idea of a military force having access to nuclear weaponry–it’s only ever a pleasant thought if you happen to live in a country that has this power behind it (and often not even then).
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I don’t think I misunderstood, but maybe I did. I’m not entirely sure here. If I did misunderstand, I offer another apology. But essentially, my response still boils down to, “I’m pretty much sidestepping that issue, because that’s not the focal point of the story.”
Update: So, I’ve been making a few early plans for chapter 2, and I quickly hit a bit of a problem- namely, I realized there are two different ways I could go about it. I debated with myself for a bit and found flaws in both sides, but I haven’t been able to make a concrete decision.
So, I decided I’d offer up the two ideas and see what you guys think. If you want to share your two cents on this matter, please do so- I’d love to hear what you guys think!
A: I’ve been considering making chapter 2 an in medias res retelling of how the MC wound up in their situation. While I am somewhat leaning towards this option right now because it allows me to go a bit more in-depth on the MC’s circumstances, I did spot a few flaws.
If it’s written poorly, it could drag and take away from the rest of the story, and that’s really not something I want out of the second chapter.
Much like chapter 1, it will be another chapter where the ending is pre-determined, and I feel like doing that twice in a row on a multiple-choice game is just… Wrong, somehow.
B: The other option is just to have chapter 2 be a direct continuation from chapter 1. This would avoid the problems above, but still has its own- namely that I won’t be able to go in-depth with the PC’s situation, and I’ll probably have to do a 2-3 page recounting of what happened that will, potentially, be a bit weak and will either be entirely scripted, or have a couple of small choices interspersed.
I kinda like option B. If you wanted you could do a few paragraphs of how you got there based on the best and worst chosen skills and still follow option b with a minute looking back while you wait to escape or just focus on getting out
@ExcaliburV
Spelling errors, found under the option “I always excelled the most in combat training. Whether sparring in makeshift arenas, or practicing in a shooting range, the thrill of combat always appealed to me.”
Yes, you did tend to preffer fighting when you were growing up.
there was something else you tended to preffer doing over others.
Update: So, while I still won’t be actively writing much for another week or so, I decided to get a little bit of early writing in on chapter 2. Essentially, what I’ve written so far is the first page; that is to say, the two different first pages that are possible, depending on how you handled the end of chapter 1.
Hell, I might even let out a sneak preview of chapter 2 some time tonight or tomorrow, depending on how much work I actually get done…
Addendum: Thanks to some RL work I had to get done, I didn’t really finish enough to toss out a sneak peek before I stopped working on the chapter. Sorry for the false tease.
My free time just quintupled, and I’m more than ready to start actively working on chapter 2! Thanks to the head start I gave myself, creating and testing all of the new variables is already done too; meaning a large chunk of the actual programming in this chapter is already taken care of, for the most part.
So, for anyone that’s interested, know that chapter 2 is on it’s way!
So I may be lacking a bit of the perspective or experience it would take to truly get it right. Ultimately, I’ve fallen into the opinion of, “I’m not really going to add a trans/intersex/etc.” option because honestly, I’m not sure I’m prepped to handle that with the delicacy that it tends to require. I’m still a novice writer, and a novice programmer at that.[quote=“sammyboy, post:41, topic:25888”]
