Rogue Cousland for me; kiss Zevran, marry Anora, kill my bromance with Alistair.
@sharknap last night I realized there are some questions/points I hadn’t seen when I first read your comment,
so I'll address them under the break.
On that first encounter with Jonny; yes, I can add an angry response that doesn’t make him flee.
About the predatory option when flirting with Roach; I like the idea but I think the way I’ll do it is using a variable to track how you want your relationship with them to go, and then you’ll get flavor text. Let’s say around CH4, I could ask those MCs with low humanity how they see Roach. The little critter enjoys role playing, just so you know—heh role preying. (Note that this would change the assertive flirting only, since I don’t think it would work for shy MCs)
The chat with Roach at the gas station; I didn’t get too deep into MC’s thoughts because I wanted the players to fill in the blanks. It’s a tricky part: if I say “You feel angry at Roach,” or “All this talk is making you want to run away,” it could break immersion if the player isn’t feeling those things. Some MCs are angry, others are sort of rolling with the punches, some want to go back to what they once were, and others are starting to like these hu-mans. So the answer would be I’m trying to give the players as much room for interpretation as I can because I want the MC to be yours.
I think I’ll change that part about closing your eyes
Roach made research on MC, yes. I’ll add a line about that.
Those damn variables.
About Livvy knowing Roach’s name. When she says, “This has to do with what we discussed…” she means she knows there’s something bothering you, even if you successfully deflected the question. She knows Roach’s name because she was eavesdropping and heard Jonny.
Good idea about that fourth option to express your feelings when Roach doesn’t help you. Will add it in.
That restroom scene. Yes, there’s something wrong with the flow. I feel CH3 is the less polished of them all, and I’ll go back to it to tweak a couple of things I’m not happy with.
Torch and flashlight aren’t the same thing? *shakes fist at thesaurus dot com
There are a couple of things I’ll answer with
Thanks for all the time and effort you invested on the comments, Shark. I really appreciate the help, questions, and points you bring up
Hi. Im trying to make an effort to tell authors how much I like their work. So I would like to tell you how much I adore Roach. I like the concept of the story because I always have wondered how would an eldritch being would react being forced in a squishy meat sack.
I know the last chapter was more dark/horror especially the cave scene but I really lol’d at “brick licker”. But I have some questions:
I know MC need energy, but let’s say they have enough, but not enough to leave Earth. Would this energy manifest like magic or just a more powerful squishy meat sack? Or it would just be there?
Can we define how MC feels about Livvy? Like she’s annoying, or her company is nice?
Could MC catch feelings for Earth, I mean they didn’t like Earth at first but now they reluctant to leave?
When will the lore be expanded on MC species/beings?
I hope I make some sense at least. Oh and have a good day/night!
It helps a lot, and I’ve been sort of failing at this lately
Thanks for the words, it makes me really happy when I read that my weird sense of humor tickles people’s funny bone; I love laughing just as much as I love horror.
Spoilers.
Mh, probably later on because spoilers.
Oh the game is keeping tabs on those variables, believe me (when I don’t screw up said variables of course)
Ah lore and worldbuilding, my archnemesis. I We will see, I guess. And good day/night for you too, Minion
By the wording on that message, I don’t think it’s an error that has to do with the WIP. Sometimes Dashingdon is weird like that. Maybe erasing the save and saving in a different part, and in another slot?
This is so good. Like crazy good. The writing’s so brilliant you can actually start to feel things about the other NPCs bec it’s so well-rounded, specially about one particular giant space cockroach. This is awesome, you’re awesome.
I’d be good with this as long as it doesn’t lock an mc out of slowly growing to care for Roach. I think (in my humble, enthusiastic opinion) the predator/prey dynamic would maybe be stronger earlier on before we actually start possibly seeing Roach as a full person that we maybe begrudgingly care about instead of a hot minion. (Hot Minion #1 specifically)
hmm, yeah, that’s a fair concern. I guess where I was going with it is (and feel free to dismiss this if you consider it nitpicking or whatever, I’m not easily offended, no problem) that right now, it’s a wall of text from one character with some REALLY good tension (Roach truly starts to feel more dangerous and off as they talk and that’s hard to do, so kudos) and I think there’s a natural curiosity to watch the other party’s reaction to the tension if that makes sense? I went back to look at the actual text and there’s just one place where my brain went “WHAT’S MY FACE DOING”:
this part is quite literally call and response and makes the reader think directly about how we are reacting or at the very least how we are holding ourselves in the chair, so I’d suggest either we need to know what we are doing before this or around here, I think. it could be as tiny as saying that our muscles or jaw are tensed and we’re trying to keep our face neutral to not give anything way.
“The only thing you can do is stare back” is helpful, but I think too late on its own.
the beginning of the speech here shows we are at least somewhat relaxed and patient, accepting the drink and actually having some of it, and Roach’s story starts out slow and safe, so this feels right. But this is also the first and last look we get at ourselves until Roach is finished.
If I could be so bold as to suggest something, I’d say this is maybe where it might be useful to break up the speech and add a reaction, since this is really the bombshell line. This is where we realize Roach is not who they seem to be and that we might have walked right into a dangerous situation. I would think this would be at least decently universal since even mc’s who like earth and humans still need to protect themselves, and we don’t as of this moment know how much of a threat Roach is (or if they are one at all, but we can’t rule that out yet). If we have a reaction here, then the call and response works a couple lines down. Also, the way the call and response is worded makes it mildly threatening on its own, so a reaction of tension is a natural response I would think. This is not a friendly chat, this is being outed with a smile and a laugh.
“The only thing you can do is stare back” also then works since we know how we are reacting by then.
As a separate point, I’m not sure drinking here works if we’re on edge. Maybe clearing our throat or something instead? Something that keeps eye contact. (Taking a drink feels more like something one does when relaxed. Accidentally crushing your drink might be something done when too tense.)
Hopefully this comes off well intentioned and not like an asshole, I just really like how you write!
Ah! Okay. In that case I’d maybe change the wording slightly to make that clearer:
“Does this have anything to do with what I tried to discuss with you the other night?”
(this shows it was an attempt and not a successful conversation)
“Is whoever this Roach person is involved?”
(this shows she just learned this name a second ago and is making a guess of some kind of connection)
technically your best buddy Thesaurus Dot Com did not let you down, but it’s British english vs. American english and they aren’t used interchangeably (except by expats, maybe). You will confuse both sides of the pond. ¯\(ツ)/¯
Hmm, what you say actually makes a lot of sense. I’ll write it down and see how to work it into the beta. And don’t worry about me feeling attacked or anything, as the ronin from SOH would say, I’m not a delicate flower (this goes to everyone)
I enjoy these discussions because you all make me see different points of view and that’s really important when writing IFs. Also you’re super polite so don’t sweat it
A bit more context: More of a headcanon if you stay silent in the car
Also, I guess this is a small fic ┐(●’v’)┌
The car was silent except for whatever catchy tune was playing on the radio. At least it was until a certain Katy Perry song started up, and a wide grin found its way onto Roach’s lips. You and Jonny let out a mutual groan; you didn’t need to be a cosmic all-knowing god to know what was about to transpire. And you were correct. Roach turned around in his seat and started to sing along–loudly, you might add– “They say be afraid~ You’re not like the others, futuristic lover~” Roach waggled his eyebrows at you, smirking suggestively.
You couldn’t resist the urge to roll your eyes at his antics.
Roach continued on,”Different DNA~ They don’t understand you~” At this bit, Roach proceeded to playfully elbow Jonny much to his annoyance. Jonny gripped the steering wheel tighter, and spared a moment to glare at Roach before returning his eyes to the road. “You sing one more lyric Roach, and I swear I’m throwing you out of this car.” Unperturbed, Roach grinned back, “Is that a promise?” Throwing another glare over his shoulder, Jonny said through gritted teeth, “Try me.” “Oh c’mon, Jonny! The best parts’ coming up!”
At this point you decided to tune out their bickering, and slump back in your seat. You sighed, looking out the moving window.
About this. Your sense of humour is perfect. Seriously, maybe I also have a weird sense of humour, but the writing, specially on the baby/child stage was making me cackles like an old crone
This premise is really interesting! I was engaged with the story the entire time and reloaded my saves just to see different outcomes with the dialogue, which I don’t usually do. I enjoyed seeing how awkward my mc could be.
Are we starting our own cult now? 'Cause I’m down with that.
errors
Your crystalline, ever shifting husk dims and quivers, dull colors, dying colors, and you’re fading.
ever-shifting
It’s harder than you thought it would be, but eventually you begin to slow down. You’re losing your senses fast, so you blindly leap forwards, slipping yourself through a rift that it’s blinking out of existence.
that is or that’s
It’s harder than you thought it would be, but eventually you find what you’re looking for. You blindly leap forwards, slipping yourself through a rift that it’s blinking out of existence.
that is or that’s
The first thing it tries to do is pulling your hand off of your mouth; by the strong metallic tang that soaks against your casket’s tongue, you’d bet that was a bad idea.
pull out
You’re sure neither of them knew they could make a taller creature run away with the tail between its legs until now.
none (“neither” would mean there’s only two of them) its (as someone already pointed out)
Are you content with what you just did, or you want them cowering in fear too?
or do you
Scaring larvae is very underneath me.
beneath
That you would’ve liked, wouldn’t you Jaws?
You would’ve liked that
“Livvy,” you say, “why we don’t have a dad?”
don’t we
It’s a little bit embarrassing, the way you let panic took over you.
take
“All of them,” you answer.
She stops on her tracks and blinks at you. “All of them?”
in
It’s been eight years since you landed on this place and—although you know your energy is finally building up—you can’t help but wonder how much time will it take you before you can finally exist outside this confinement made of flesh.
Don’t think this one’s really incorrect, but I think “it will” would flow a bit better.
But you won’t be like the one on the car, you’ll be cool and caring.
in
but to a creature whose only relationship with others has been a cannibalistic one, the concept of tribes, identification, self-image and what not are still pretty confusing.
whatnot
Also found a bit of a continuity error. MC has the option to neither flirt with or reject Roach since they’ve just met, but choosing that still results in this exchange happening at the gas station:
“All that about you crushing on me was merely a smoke screen?”
“Pretty much,” Roach says, nodding eagerly. “I implied I was interested in you to get Jonny to help me. He was a little adamant about keeping our circle small.”
“That explains why you didn’t seem all that bothered when I turned you down.”
Roach makes a small affirmative sound. “I wasn’t expecting Jonny telling you about my crush, though. But at least I can guilt trip him into doing me favors for at least a month now. His face when you rejected me was priceless.”
And this obviously doesn’t make sense, since that wasn’t what happened.
I’m loving this but small nitpick
When we were chatting with Lizzy chooising our gender, why must the nonbinary option be stuck behind the “I’m actually a god option?” is it possible to make it an option from the beggining since while it doesn’t personally bother me, it… kinda makes it sound like being nb is inhuman? I know that is not your intention but yeah, maybe some fellow nb might find that strange as well.
Other than that, this is great! A lot of instances really started to creep me out, and that is rare for me nowadays. Great job!
So I don’t know if I commented on this WIP , but if I did…sorry! I’m gonna repeat myself !
Ok…so first : It’s SO funny . Oh mah Gad . That beginning ? Some of those choices got me laughing my ass off . And it’s the good kind of funny! So kudo to you for that! and I love that kind of humour .
Second : Roach…where were you all my life ? lol Seriously , I love her . I try both romance of course , but so far ? Roach is winning .
other then that , nothing more to say . well I find Johnny bit of a weirdo . Oh a question : If he take pictures of roach , would that work as…OMG I can see how she really look? and he crap his pant or something ? cose that be hilarious…
I see someone typing
While we are are at it how exactly do the friendship-respect stats will play out? I’ve noticed you can up Roachs respect for you, mostly by treating them like prey, my respect stats with them was at 2%,but got up to 8 % by calling them a maggot in the cave scene
We will see, I guess. And good day/night for you too, Minion 
(this goes to everyone)
