I love Roach so much
13 Likes
We will protect Roach and Jonny, ya got me hooked. Can but can’t wait for Ch.4.
4 Likes
At first I didn’t really like Roach as an RO (saw hin more as a friend) but I gave him a chance and now I can’t see my MC romancing someone else 
I looove your writing and this is easily one of my favourite games on the forum!
5 Likes
Replayed to get to the new content, and saw this mistake- “I rather eat glass,” which should be “I’d rather.”
Couldn’t help but notice that Roach and the PC’s energy requirements seem rather different.
Not just the obvious thing, but also the fact that she can sense Essence in the environment and apparently gains benefit from it, while the PC can’t. Makes it seem like Roach is the Lovecraftian equivalent of an autotroph, passively absorbing energy from their environment like a plant taking in sunshine, while the PC is reliant on predation.
Before I had gotten the impression it was just a matter of big versus little predator, while now I’m thinking they have different ecological niches.
12 Likes
Oops, thanks. What about this one:
“As fun as baring my entire soul to Jonny would be,” you say, “I rather not to.”
In this case it doesn’t need to have ‘would’ in it, right?
1 Like
First off, a random thing that I really love and appreciate
kudos to you for describing the MC’s blushing in terms of being flustered and their face heating up, especially since our casket’s appearance is kept nondescript. Far too many stories in this format break the immersion with blushing descriptions. like, it’s not even a big deal but as a black person who blushes a lot but has too much melanin for it to show, I love it so much. There are still a couple of descriptions of the MC as ‘pale’, but otherwise I was just like Finally! 
Errors I noticed, and I hope I'm not being repetitive or nitpicky (also, sorry about the size of my screenshots, I'm not sure how to make them less... intense
I think it should be “what’s *worse” and should end with “blushing”
“put some weight *on.”/“put *on some weight.”
Encountered an error here: I chose to use Livvy’s empathy against her and the next screen is just some line breaks before moving on to the pizza.
“Is *it something I can help you with?”
“takes out to *dinner.”
*Roadrunner
“What else did he *say?”
*have
*breathe
Should the last sentence here start with *More so? Or ‘Even more so’, something like that
The wording is a little off for the first dialogue, “Is it just me or is there an undeniable” or “Either it’s just me or there’s an undeniable”. I also think “the *two of us” might be better since I don’t think ‘the both of’ is typically written with ‘between’. That’s just a suggestion, tho, sorry if this overstepped!
“*is this one of those jokes”
“And what is *it that you’re getting?”
“One step at *a time.”
You can probably delete the *it in “thought it would be possible”
“putting *on a show”
“Roach rifles through”
Is “did” meant to be italicized?
*backpack or just *bag
“stands *in the doorway”
*Mrs. Dominguez? Unless this is a phonetic spelling of a nickname or something?
*nonplussed
I really enjoyed the new chapter! And the aftermath of hooking up with Roach, of course lol. Affectionate nibbles, heck yes 
The impromptu spelunking was a really well-written scene, though it did manage to evoke some real feelings of panic in me so you might want to warn for that somewhere. And I’m so freaking excited we’re delving into deification at some point, I’m just hoping the chapters get darker and darker now that there’s a creepy cult element involved hell yea 
I wonder if we get to customize certain things about our own (if we end up establishing one, obvi I’m speculating a ton lol)
And finally, I do wonder how a being like our MC would experience a feeling like romantic love. I imagine that the more human they are, the more they might experience it in an intimate or passionate way…but the more otherworldly they are I wonder if they’d experience it as more of a desire to consume someone or the idea/experience of someone whole, like a weird blend of infatuation and ancient cosmic predation 
12 Likes
I agree that the spelunking scene was very well-written, but made me panic as well. I didn’t even notice until the scene was over that I was breathing really heavily over it lol 
It had me really immersed, but for someone with more intense anxiety it probably wouldn’t be as nice of an experience.
And we can romance Jonny!? I was so shocked to see a flirt option for him. Roach still has my heart, but maybe I’ll do a second play through—Jonny is really endearing in a sort of awkward way 
The pacing was well-done, and it all flowed well! There were some small grammar things that I see someone else picked up, but that was it. Great update
4 Likes
There the would can be abbreviated to “I’d,” I also suggest getting rid of the “to” at the end, so that it reads “I’d rather not.”
2 Likes
Man, I love this wip so much, pimenita. Besides all the awesome ‘being a prideful ancient eldritch monster in a tiny squishy sack’ shenanigans, Roach is such a fascinating and fun character and I’m enjoying everything about the really complicated emotions and potentially dubious intentions on both sides in all of the mc/roach scenes, especially when you’re also trying to bed them. Your writing is really strong and well paced, I’m thoroughly enjoying myself.
Noticed quite a number of small things in my playthrough, so here we go. This turned out to be long, but hopefully still helpful! @hotmess.exe very slow-motion ninja’d me on some of these I think (we’ve both been typing for a while):
also not sure why using italics is putting the word on its own line, but i promise i’m not trying to be aggressive, it’s just the silly text box
prologue
slave or enslaved
its
birthday
i think that comma shouldn’t be there?
in
in
this bit is missing something. i’d either change it to “it’s best to” or “the best thing is to” or “the best move is to” etc
wouldn’t
why they were going back to the clan
ch1
being in the limelight
here I think the smirk option needs a bit of clarification. i thought it was friendly, gentle teasing and was surprised after choosing it to learn it was more malicious (or at least less kind).
I think this is supposed to be purposefully given context?
seen
vacation
don’t you?
an
are as sure
would it be possible to have a “what the hell do you want?” type option here? something aggressive but still not trying to get him to leave?
what
trying to get a glimpse at their
in the air
nor does she sound
Newman and I
in
a completely selfish request: is it possible for the more forward flirt option to be a bit more… predatory? bright and charming works fine, but I think my mc would be a bit more hungry eyes about it. also kinda works for the whole predator (mc)/ prey (roach) thing.
confessed to having
be an - also this line is super great in general, I laugh every time.
there’s nothing particularly wrong with this bit, but the transition feels a bit odd since it’s Roach speaking both times. The new paragraph usually would suggest someone else speaking, or at least that’s what my brain did. Not sure if there’s anything actually off here or if it’s just me.
just so you know
missing a word or two here. “i’ll invite you in for something to drink” or “i’ll get you something to drink” or similar
about a month or so ago
ch2
‘if you want’ fits a bit better. not technically wrong, i don’t think, just a little awkward for the way Roach speaks
I also think during this whole speech from Roach it might be nice to get a brief glimpse at what our mc is feeling (which of course could be thoughts but also just body language etc). It’s a tense speech that builds as it goes. Is the mc getting a bit anxious? Feeling trapped or too seen? Angry? Trying to suppress an urge to attack a potential threat? It’s hard to get a read on our feelings right now, besides the one moment of having trouble swallowing earlier on, but that just shows tension. At this point, we don’t know our mc well enough to understand what kind of tension it is.
and i think depending on how we’re feeling, it would alter this bit here. For example, if we’re feeling threatened, I don’t know that closing our eyes would feel safe.
you’d rather
to talk to about this
pick up on anything odd about him, did you?
pick up on anything
coined for me
wouldn’t it have been easier
you and me
in or during
either ‘how I look feels’ or ‘what I look like feels’
what
also, this comment shows Roach did quite a bit of background research on us. Maybe a line that shows the mc noted this? either just to ourselves or directly to Roach
either ‘put on some weight’ or ‘put some weight on’
once the work day
end up under
is - this bit is also just super great and weird
ask you for anything
oversleep
I’d rather
I’d probably remove the highlighted ‘to’ so it’s just “where, too,” as well as maybe remove the ‘are’ at the end.
huh?
when I pick the bottom option it skips the entire dialogue and you only get an empty space:
either ‘picking up the olive’ or ‘picking the olive up’
scraping
you’d rather
this one’s different depending on what you mean. are the aliens in the hills or can you view them from the hills? if the former, ‘up in the hills’ if the latter ‘from up in the hills’
ripe
on
past
human
vacation
fishes out
would settle
get
either ‘to the diner’ or ‘to dinner’
this one’s interesting because it is technically not a real contraction when written, BUT it is spoken like that often. so for dialogue it’s technically right but also kind of looks weird to read. I DUNNO.
Roadrunner
say
have
this whole part doesn’t make sense with my playthrough. my mc deflected Livvy’s question when they were eating pizza and has never brought up Roach. Unless this is supposed to show that Livvy found out about Roach separately? Then that would need a comment from the mc, either in their thoughts or directly to Livvy.
on
kind of social
turned
I’d probably change this to ‘sitting here’, otherwise it sounds like we’ve gotten off the bike, but then the next part says we’re still on it. I also was a bit confused about where we stopped. I read it first as stopping in front of the station, but then the last line shows we aren’t there yet. Maybe a bit of additional info in the ‘kill the engine’ line to show we are stopping in the middle of nowhere or something?
Also the whole sequence of walking up to the station is really eerie and well done
into your mind
Roach hammers
I have not told Roach what the Hunter’s name is, so either this is a bug, or Roach knows on their own in which case a reaction from the mc seems appropriate.
a time
for him
pitted
i’d just remove ‘of you’
either ‘enter with your bike’ or ‘bring your bike in’
she sits on the floor and then moves the chair?
I’m wondering if we could maybe have an arrogant option here. Like, ‘maybe i’d be upset if roach was powerful, but she has always been prey. it was a natural response.’ i dunno, just something that’s sort of in between the first and third option. not getting angry because we didn’t expect her to be able to contribute anyway.
go
on Earth have taught me anything, they are
rifles
ch3 coming in a separate post. this one’s so big it’s making my laptop lag
3 Likes
I’ve quite the experience on that field too…
Gah, I keep doing it. Could you tell me where?
Not at all, this is the kind of feedback I’m looking for. I really appreciate it and I’ll correct them as soon as I can 
Sorry, you’re right; I don’t like tight spaces, so maybe I went overboard with how they make me feel. I’ll put a warning.
Interesting concept; I hadn’t thought about it. I’ll write the idea down and see if I can add details once we get to the beta stage.
Much to his bewilderment xD
Jonny and Fiama haven’t had as many romantic oportunities with MC as Roach, but on CH4 you’ll be able to discuss your intentions with them—and lock the MC into a romance, if you want to. Also you’ll meet the last RO.
@hotmess.exe All I can say about the spoiler is
@stsword will do 
@sharknap I’m really glad you’re enjoying the WIP 
And thanks for the corrections, I’ll take care of them. I can see you typing
Also The Passenger’s reached 301 likes 
and I can’t believe it. It never occurred to me that so many people would enjoy the story, and I’m so very happy. Thanks a lot to all of you for your words, comments, help, and to the lurkers too 
Lurkers, I like how ominous that sounds.
25 Likes
Ok, so, I played this WIP for the very first time. AND HOLY SHIT!!! This is so fucking good???
I really love how the stats play into the personality of the MC a lot. My first playthrough was with:
And god, I love how there are all those moments in which the MC just looks at someone and they shut up. And unghh, the more ruthless/rash options, at least with Roach at the cave, are so fucking good???
I wish I have to add one more WIP to my WIP hell now.
Also, Bruno, cute but creepy, I like it
14 Likes
Oh yesss this WiP has me so excited gah!!
3 Likes
*unlurks
That was… different. 
…
Love it, please continue. 
But, oh boy, that Hunter would be so embarrassed to to find its prey far, far too human and thus even more humiliating. Perfect! 
4 Likes
@pimenita gosh what a good update! Every moment was so tense but also had me loving every character! Every interaction just makes me feel like their all my best friends, you know! And I’m just continuing to love Roach even more with this update! My shy mc was truly ready to smooch his face so bad lol And can we talk about that truth or dare scene like what’s the flirty mc’s fantasy like I need to know!
I love this game so much! thank you for making it!
2 Likes
*DAO rogue breaking stealth sound effect
@pastel no, we really don’t want to talk about that xD
3 Likes
Wanted to say I love this WIP! Also Roach & Jonny are just * chef’s kiss *
A little thing I spotted in Truth or Dare
I’m pursuing Jonny, but when I choose truth and say I’m not dating Roach:
I get this text, although I haven’t shown interest, or flirted with Roach. 
1 Like
lol whoops, i was putting this together minutes before leaving the office 
i remember seeing you typing too, my b!
@pimenita Sure! Right after the truck incident, when our eye’s gone back to normal and we look sick as hell, the MC’s lips are described as pale. And Livvy says we look pale, I believe its… right after Jonny delivers Roach’s message to us at the bakery and we’re about to run off
oh i’m content with just imagining a different fantasy for each of my MCs and they’re just as bad as Jonny said lmao
2 Likes
Ah, the best of the series! 
I think I worn the game out, playing so many times… Oh, my favourite playthrough, the Dalish elf where it all came together in a tragic tale, ack…
Summary
From the get go she was in love with Tamlen and distraught at not only losing him, but also forced to leave her clan (she so did not want to), then much, much later she saw Tamlen again. She reached him first, talked to him… No one else had a chance to attack, but he had asked her. She broke there and then. 
Later on she laid down her own life to slay the Archdemon.
I never managed to see him again as a Dalish, that was the first time and last (also the first time I played a Dalish)… I miss BioWare of old and DAO. So much heart and love went into that game, rather than EA’s ‘Live Service’ darkspawn.
Yes we do. 
1 Like
alright
ch3
to take care of
i think this needs a beat between the two to show time passing. Livvy is far enough away that Ara needs to shout, but then her reply is immediate like she was right next to the phone.
had
shining
breathe
since this isn’t dialogue i’d say either ‘there are’ or ‘there’s’. the latter is another case of it technically being incorrect with a plural noun, but something everyone uses and doesn’t look abnormal.
isn’t
‘after’ or maybe ‘right after’
You let the air in your lungs go. So, now what?
the next part with the screaming was a bit confusing because we lose track of where Jonny is. I’d suggest adding “coming back into the room” here to make the next part clearer.
in
having gotten
Missus or Mrs.
why anybody would
in
I’ll
falling into
Lay out the basics.
who looks like he’s about to
another one. not sure what you want to do with them, but noting it
wooded
clearing
nonplussed
there are
feel
All this stuff about people in the background wearing yellow is making me REAL paranoid, pime. eye twitch.
the moment Bruno became genuinely endearing to me
lay
vacation
up
either ‘let your hand stay there’ or ‘leave your hand there’
I’d rather - I noticed up thread you asking about this so in general it’s almost always going to be ‘i’d rather’ or ‘you’d rather’ etc. ‘I rather’ is like saying ‘I really’, so for example ‘I rather like this meal’ is just a posh way of saying ‘I really like this meal’ whereas ‘I’d rather’ is saying ‘I would like to do this instead’. Hopefully that makes sense?
I’m not exactly sure what happens in this next part? Was the mc hallucinating? It was a bit of an abrupt transition to then walking out of the restroom.
spent
comments that those
farther
reach your destination
thing
place had - but it is dialogue so maybe it’s fine? It will read a bit funny for some people, but I suppose it also shows a quirk in how he speaks? Another instance of it spoken but not written, hell what do I know
said
huh?
that
like a load
more notes
less than a minute
I swallow, just now
your
okay but WHYYY are we only attacked by the ceiling monster when we stay behind?? my paranoia INTENSIFIES. this is the most stressful hike (it’s great you’re great)
scream
occurred
what seems. also you used torch instead of flashlight
paranoiaaaaaa. WHAT IS SHE UP TO
get
is making
a little too busy
flashlight
breakneck speed
are we supposed to not know what this monster looks like even though our mc does?
here
huh?
is this creature the one we saw in the cave?
it only took 84 years, but i’ve finally finished
5 Likes