The Noir Curse (WIP) (Some feedback?)

young-adult-fiction
gender-choice
high-fantasy

#101

Oh, no, I saw the paragraph before it. I just felt like even with the paragraph I wasn’t sure if it was talking about the gods’ motives or my character’s. It’s just an ambiguous sentence, I think.

Also, if you want to italicize a word, have the brackets with the i before it [i ] and then brackets with a slash after it [/i ]. (I had to put a space in the brackets because otherwise it italicized the sentence.)


#102

OHHH I’ll have to check that out then xD

And thanks for the feedback :ok_hand::heart:


#103

I’ve played through the new chapter and included some comments! Over all still very interested in the world and look forward to more character interactions (and possibly exploring the castle?) :slight_smile:

Small stuff:

Summary
  1. more switching between past and present
  2. “The words were said with a hint of disate” - distaste? (might I also recommend rewording this sentence to make it active rather than passive?)
  3. “the Night god continued even as his eyes kept eyeing their guests” because Cassian’s pronouns are they/them/their, I think the use of their in this sentence is a bit confusing, maybe change it to simply “the guests”
  4. “He’s a tall, standing” - just “He’s tall, …”
  5. “white of his eyes was tinted black” - the white is black is confusing/awkward, maybe a different way to word it?
  6. “you wonder how did it it open” - “you wonder how it opens”
  7. “An outfit could sure change the look of a person. smoothing your clothes over you sigh and nod.”
  8. “the room had a twin chandelier to the one in the entrance” - a bit awkward, maybe “the chandelier matched the one from the entrance” or something else
  9. “Seating down” - sitting down or taking your seat
  10. “That’s, excluding Marsciella” - can’t use a contraction here, “That is, excluding …”
  11. “no matter fo what we think”
  12. “I smile slips into your own lips” - a smile? (also onto instead of into)

Bigger stuff:

Summary
  1. for the choice that follows “You frown as she makes assumptions about your life and really wish you knew some lip sealing spell.” - I would be more inclined to “say something back” if I had the option to choose what I was going to say. I have no idea if “say something back” means “be a real bitch” or “take the moral high ground” or “diffuse the situation.”
  2. — That’s it??? Good job! Really enjoying it :smile:

Note:
My small stuff feedback is exclusively grammar/mechanics/usage stuff. As a writer myself, I like this kind of feedback because it can be hard to catch this stuff on your own, but I know not everyone likes it. If you don’t like this kind of feedback, please let me know! I won’t include it anymore :slight_smile:


#104

I totally don’t mind this type of feedback! It definitely helps me out a lot.

I’ll go over it tomorrow but thank you for the feedback :ok_hand::smile:


#105

ahh yes I can finally meet my baby boi Rhys!!

Anyway, spelling mistake:

it’s*


#106

Yay I finally got to meet the Night Gods! I really loved the new Chapter. I just think the wording in the stats are a bit weird.

It says “We’ll use woman pronouns for you ___”
or if you chose man
“We’ll use man pronouns for you ___”

I think it sounds better if you write “We’ll use feminine/masculine pronouns for you” instead.

The stats in non-binary seems fine to me!

Good Luck!


#107

:laughing::laughing: thank you I’ll fix that up!


#108

Ohhhh yeah i had deleted something in the coding and forgot to fix it in the stats hhhhh I’ll have to fix that. Thank you for pointing it out!


#109

Hey just wanted to say I’m really digging what you have so far!

If I could just make a teeny suggestion I’d ask if you would please consider breaking up some of the text into smaller paragraphs.

With really long paragraphs the text becomes sort of hard to read (especially on mobile).

Thank you and I’m looking forward to the next update!


#110

Okay! The 3rd chapter has been proof read and I have edited according to the feedback I recieved.

I’ll be working on the next chapter soon enough where you’ll be able to meet Destan, the Sun God. :eyes: Also, I’m not sure if to keep him as a love interest, but we’ll see.


#111

Just went quickly through again, and got this when I chose to wear the elegant clothes:

night_gods line 173: increasing indent not allowed, expected 0 was 2


#112

Damn I’ll fix that right up


#113

That was a really good demo. I really like the plot, usually when you’re summoned by the gods it’s to save the world, not to woo them :joy: And the characters are so fun too! I must admit that Marsciella is my absolute favorite. She is not a RO though, right? I don’t want to give you more work but she totally should be! Enemies to lovers is a tale as old as time. Plus it’s really satisfying to get someone that hates your guts to actually start to fall for you. Pretty please?


#114

Personally i am cool with the princess, just like i never even reply her harshly at all :-):grin:

But i don’t necessary want to romance her since she share no past with me , by contrast i have share wonderful conversation with both the Angel and the Nymph , hence they will be my choices of lovers :-):blush:


#115

Thank you for the feedback, it’s greatly appreciated :blush:

As for Marsciella, I did think of making her an RO, but in the end didn’t do it. I’m currently not surr if I should leave the Sun God as a RO too. Since its my first interactive novel, i didn’t want to complicate things so much. But we’ll see :joy:


#116

Hi , l love the game , keep up the good work .
I find this error Screenshot_%D9%A2%D9%A0%D9%A1%D9%A8%D9%A1%D9%A1%D9%A2%D9%A0-%D9%A1%D9%A8%D9%A2%D9%A5%D9%A1%D9%A6|281x500
Have question though , l was about to chose Cassian as romance , you describe them as male in your first post but change them to non binary , since you original made them as male can you make us chose if they are male or non binary if its not to much to ask ?i really want to romance him so bad .


#117

Or you could just eliminate the Sun God and focus on Marsci…


#118

I fixed the error that showed up. If anyone finds another one let me know :slight_smile:

@Mary Hi! Sorry for the confusion, originally Cassian was a male but I made them non binary for the sake of diversity xD

Sadly for this novel, the ROs genders are locked :confused:


#119


#120

Its fixed now, let me know if there’s another error.