The Chronicles of Hallarmuli (REVISED)


#1

Name change and revised again. The old version can be found below.

https://dashingdon.com/play/arasia/to-be-a-slave/mygame/to-be-a-slave_compiled.html

Here is a link to the new thread.


#2

I havent even started reading and i already feel the “Feels” incoming D: Doesnt help that im listening to Sia - Angel by the wings hohoh


#3

<3 Can’t wait to see what you think! I worked hard to revamp it!


#4

Spotted some atomic typos. You got lay/lie mixed up - if a person is horizontal on a surface you want lie/lying e.g “you go and lie down” or “you wake to find yourself lying in bed”, and your very first NPC gender check fails to recognise the brother/sister choice :smiley:

Edit: I’ll probably come back and edit this later with more detailed info if noone else beats me to it :slight_smile:

Edit 2: [quote]Prologue2 line 55: It is illegal to fall out of a *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.[/quote] after choosing to be a woman who didn’t care. Since this is as far as I’m getting for now you want to change the “an” leading up to that choice to be “a”.


#5

Sister is referred as “he”.


#6

That introduction has really strong imagery! I especially loved the part describing the earth as ‘greedy’, and the sensation of blistering heat. It was really nicely done.

I chose the ‘woman who keeps her morals in check’ and it died there, say it couldn’t find the file ‘monisister’?

Two tiny things that bothered me; people’s morals aren’t always an indication of how they react to traumatic events. You can be a cold-blooded murderer and still cry at your grandmother’s funeral. I think the character’s reaction should be tied to how close they were to the monks. Did they love them? Feel obliged? They may be mourning the loss of their home if not the monks themselves.

Second, I didn’t really understand the difference describing the sibling’s reactions. Why is the female on the verge of tears and the brother ‘suffering silently’? Maybe you’re planning to build different characters depending on who you choose but I did feel it was a little stereotyped.

Feel free to ignore this though—I’m a rambling idiot. And I loved everything else! Looking forward to more.


#7

Try to ignore the shred of guilt that worms its way into my heart.

I chose my sister Opinion


#8

Sounds good I hope you do good with this and we get a pet Wolf or something that would be cool


#9

Thank you! I will edit those tonight!( that’s what I get for writing it at 3am lol)


#10

I can certainly add a pet aspect in there if you would like


#11

Thanks very much I will change it as soon as I get home from school.


#12

That’s a good point! I’m going to be trying my newer idea so as of now I’ll leave it as is. Yes the brother and sister difference does come in later. It’s only for that one, and there is some backstory reasons. Im trying to make it a little more time period like than i had originally planned. So the monks would have treated your sister more like a delicate young woman and make her do “womanly” tasks. I mean it is set around 1066 so… The reason you are not like your sister if you choose woman is because you managed to leave and travel, experiencing different cultures and their view of women. She will harden later don’t worry.


#13

Tsk after all my hard work to make two different files for each xD I’ll change it now and then get it up before bed time :heart:


#14

Choose to be a kind, moral sister with a sister and got this error:

I like what is that so far, please do continue to work on it. :slight_smile:


#15

Sister’s still referred to as “he”. :frowning:

Also, picking the Woman who doesn’t care how people see me option results in:


#16

Yuppers transferring the files right now. My old, used Macbook can’t run firefox so i cant compile the HTML file on here, so I gotta transfer the files to my gaming pc.


#18

Thanks boo <3 I think I fixed that part, but with the Prologue 3 issues, it’s not much. However so far so good with rewriting 3 so I have high hopes when I transfer it.


#19

Sure, that makes sense. Sorry if it sounded like I was being ultra-sensitive. I just re-read my comment and I’m sorry for the weird tone. I never intended it to sound negative! :confounded: A good case for re-reading before you post.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I really enjoyed it, and will keep reading. Cheers!


#20

Your choice has been edited, please feel free to continue to the end!


#21

Lol! I didn’t think so at all. If people have issues with something I want them to tell me xD. Thanks, look forward to see how you like the rest.