The Burning Sun

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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Thanks that is good to know :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Grammar Error:
You could barely remember the words, but you knew it was an European song she learned from her own mother, you grimace stretching your neck as to make the pain goes away

Should be:you grimace, stretching your neck as to make the pain go away.

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Perfect, will fix it now :slight_smile: don’t hesitate sending them my way as you see them
I’m not a native speaker lol

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Although, Henry was not without fault. He would go into outbursts whenever he would have one glass too many. Once you were of age, you never really comprehend why your mother put up with your father’s foolishness. Love conquers all, you thought to yourself.

should be: had

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"My beloved MC", your mother used to say, as her beloved daughter, you had her silky long black hair, Abigail even argued that you also had your mothers dark brown eyes. The MC’s family was a happy family, in the beginning, it was noticeable that your parents loved each other. It was the four of you against the world, at least that was how it used to be.

Minor corrections: the apostrophes and the comma (i think it’ll be easier to read :slight_smile:)

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Your English is fantastic! I can’t imagine trying to write a story in another language, but you are doing very well.

One thing I noticed, when you are customizing yourself, many of the pre-text is
not capitalized. For example, “choose your horse breed or type” the “c” should be capitalized. The

“your gun preference was always the Winchester rifle. Strong and powerful with accurate aim, damage guaranteed upon contact with target” Period at the end, capitalize “y”.

One idea I had, it might be better to have the customization come in at a smoother, more relaxed pace, instead of just bombarding you with choice after choice. (The customization IS fantastic though! I love the descriptions, it instantly immersed me!)

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The is a grammar issue here= Cassidy was sitting outside of the ranch house by the horses’ pen, he took the last spoon of beans out of his bowl. He grimaced as he swallowed, the stew was terrible. It had been two days since the ambush on the League .

Cassidy was sitting outside of the ranch house by the horses’ pen, taking the last spoon of beans out of his bowl. He grimaced as he swallowed; the stew was terrible. It had been two days since the ambush on the League .

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Thank you, The burning sun was my first try playing around with choicescript , it need a major code rearrangement lol
 and grammar and syntax errors in it was plenty lol will def work on it

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You’re doing very well! I am currently learning chinese (my parents are from china), IT IS SO PAINFUL

oh yeah- After five years, he should have been Gerald Barns right hand, he thought to himself. But instead, it was the triplets, Cassidy smirked.

Question: why would he smirk? I think a better word would be something more of annoyance or disgust, because he is thinking that he is better than the triplets.

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“We are going to the Thirsty Trap .” Barns said to him, “Join us, the triplets want to have a drink, and I want to visit Martha.” The Martha that Barns’ was referring to, was Barns’ favorite soiled dove.

i think this has more flow :slight_smile:

sorry for pestering you so much, i know this is your first project, but I love correcting grammar :sweat_smile:

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Well, funny story
I was about to propose you to be my alpha tester lol you get dibs on the new releases haha lol, thank you for taking the time to do it, you are not pestering at all :slight_smile:

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You nodded at the barkeep who stood behind an old paneled bar. The Thirsty Trap was devoided of charm.

oh, that be great! I am currently doing online school, but I do have a lot of time :slight_smile: Covid sucks, but it gives me an excuse to be online lol

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So he grunted?

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Or: Cassidy shook his head.
(thinking he’s better than them)

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He is cocky after all :sweat_smile:

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lol yeah thats why I like him :slight_smile:

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Do you have a game genre you prefer? I can introduce you to a second cocky bastard lol in another WIP I did not posted yet lol let me know


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The man smiled(comma) showing off his white teeth, “I’m Cassidy.” he said, “But close friends call me Cass(period) The Thirsty Trap attracts all kind of people, but you darling, you are breath of fresh air,” he continued. You sized him up, “What gave it away?”

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Yay awesome I’ll send you the link later

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let see if you can receive private message