“Fifty gold to the soldier who brings her back alive!” The captain’s voice rang out behind them over the thunder of their horses’ hooves.
Crispin Wayfinder urged Lanymede harder along the mountain road, ducking an overhanging branch. Fifty was enough to pay for Oma’s healing.
Crispin’s thoughts were interrupted as Fennish shot past. “Not today, Crispy!” Fennish taunted. “That gold is mine!” Fennish rose in his saddle, waggling his rear at his friend.
“Like blazes it is!” Crispin retorted, but his heart sank. Fennish rode as well as any in the guard, and Bolene, his horse, was less fatigued.
Suddenly, Crispin caught a glimpse of white in the woods above…
I wrote this for a competition, but their company flaked out. It’s written with Twine, not ChoiceScript, I hope that’s permissible on this forum. I don’t really know what happens after the first chapter, I’m hoping readers here have suggestions.
I didn’t read you whole message, and when I was playing through it, and it abruptly ended I found myself yelling at my computer to allow me to play more. xD
Needless to say, I loved it, and It is only a few pages long.
Your writing is very good, and it gave me a great image in my mind of what was going on and kept me interested!
If you do continue it, which I hope you do because I LOVE these kinds of stories, I would definitely like to see some sort of romance blossom (even if it is cliche, I am a sucker for that kind of stuff), maybe Crispin could find some reason that he needs to save the witch in order to help himself.
He could get blamed for something that happened which is illegal, and then he runs away or something. xD I don’t know, but PLEASE CONTINUE!
*SPOILERS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS* My main plot is that a sorceress summoned a dark power which allows her to control others, and is building a web of other women who wield this power well, who have others enslaved below them, etc. (kind of like Amway ).Of course, this power slowly corrupts those who use it or channel it.
Thus, the witch that Crispin is chasing is actually serving the sorceress against her will, and at times can fight it (when overcome with emotion, for example). She will never be free while the sorceress lives, and daily becomes more consumed by the dark energy.
Not the most original of plots, but it’ll do. So, the end would probably be that Crispin and the girl kill the sorceress and then make out, but between here and there, I’m not sure what should happen.
I think I may have shown the sorceress’ army too soon, perhaps Chapter One should just show Crispin’s village in flames, and the army already gone.*END SPOILERS*
Twine allows for tracking variables, etc. just like ChoiceScript, and I want readers to develop Crispin’s personality/morality and his relationships with Fennish, the girl, and others as the story progresses.
Ok after reading your plans, I’ve a little bit more to say. First off this dark power I recommend making it sentient, and that has actually been pulling the strings. Pretty much making the sorceress a “dragon”(Its a trope). Next make sure no one realizes the power is pulling the strings, until after you kill the sorceress. Also it’d be nice to have some male magic, and it’d be interesting if the witch develops her own form of magic, different from the Dark power.
Anyway I like what you have so far, but need more to truly give ideas.
The one real complaint I have is that things feel a little bit, ah, expected. From the start I knew that taking big risks would be a good thing, and once I realized the girl wasn’t a crone, I knew that the best course of action was to save her and do what she asked. Your writing is technically superb, with great color and a perfect balance of detail and eloquence, but the world feel… lacking. It just seems like it’s a plot I’ve heard a hundred times before, and I believe that if you can work on that, developing an enthralling story/world, your writing basically be perfect.
@reaperoa That’s a big reason I posted here: I’m not great at plotting, and wanted input to create an engaging story. Hopefully people can throw out a few nifty ideas that will make things fall into place.
I’m not married to anything in the first chapter, it can change.
I would like to see by killing the source you save Oma his child. The witch and Crispin to end up together, but like to see Crispin struggle over his feelings for the witch and the choices he will have to face to free her then track down the source. Look forward for more.
I think the whole struggling over your feelings for the witch idea sounds greeaat! But I think it would be even better if you could like make a final choice as to whether or not you want to be with the witch. I know it might be more work buut it’ll be worth it! (:
).Of course, this power slowly corrupts those who use it or channel it.