The Burning Sun

Hello,

I will start by saying that English is not my first language, French is. Recently I wanted to read a good all fashion western wild wild west genre of story with well balance romance and quests, so I was like, Hey why not write it myself :).

I am not a writer, this is my first time using choice script and also writing something intended for other eyes than mine.

Here’s what the story is about:

Begin your journey as a young rider that ran away from home to start a new life in the western world of Arizona.

Determine your ancestry heritage, play as a male or female, single or poly romance men or women. The statistics of the book will allow you to be liked or feared, you can create trust or distrust with your fellow riders, get injured or stay healthy.

You can get notorious for your actions or stay in the shadows incognito, you will gain skills that define your shooting, riding and archery abilities through the game.

Your decisions define the outcome of failing or succeeding a once in a lifetime holdup. You will get to decide to permanently join a group of outlaws or be on the right side of the law as a deputy Sheriff of a small town.

If you feel like this is a story for you, saddle up and start riding.

To play the demo, go here: The Burning Sun

Please check it out and let me know your thoughts about it.

I am trying to have the MC heritage included and I don’t want to story or some sentence to come out insensitive or inappropriate, so if you see something like that, please advise on the best way to word it.

Let me know if there is:

  • Too much wordings (like too much dialogue or prologue too long)
  • Not enough choices
  • Not enough stats
  • Plots inconsistencies
  • Bugs
  • There too many typos and grammatical error
    *Pronouns mistakes

Overall just let me know if I should stop and forget about it or… is it worth continuing :slight_smile:

Thank you
Carm

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There should be a summary of what it about cause people be like I’ll check demo but have no idea what it about

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I think your English is quite good. I really like the idea! Eh How do you say can’t wait to see more in French? :+1::+1::+1::+1::+1::+1::blush:

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“J’attends la suite avec impatience” or “Je suis impatiente d’en lire plus” :slight_smile: thanks for reading I will def continue it :slight_smile:

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Thank you I will def add that to my post

You gotta use punctuation to close speech marks, and punctuation needs to be within the speech marks, like this: “Goodbye old friend,” Wyatt said, “I guess we will see you soon.”

“It is not easy to say goodbye,” Jerome said, “but we can make sure that he did not die in vain.”
If you use a comma, you shouldn’t capitalize the “but”.

Commas:
Original: As the leader of the League Wyatt knew that his team would follow him to hell and back if needed, but, for some unknown reasons, he couldn’t help but feeling that, what happened to Tao was his fault.
Fixed: As leader of the League, Wyatt knew that his team would follow him to hell and back if needed, but, for unknown reasons, he couldn’t help but feel that what happened to Tao was his fault.

  • “Wyatt face wince” should be “Wyatt winced”.
  • “Taciturn” is an adjective, so it would be better if you used “Bly was taciturn” instead of “Bly was a taciturn”.
  • The tense should be kept consistent, like in this sentence: “You enter the saloon and took a seat at an empty table.” “Enter” is present-tense, but “took” isn’t. “Take” would work better, I think.

I hope I don’t sound obnoxious! Your English is actually pretty decent, and, hell, I’d trade my ability to speak English for the ability to speak French any day.

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The way you described this demo in your original post had me wondering how short it would be. Little did I suspect that you put in a lot more effort than you implied. :grin:

This is quite the chunk of text you put together, and while there were a couple points where the narrative about the protagonist’s intentions weren’t as clear–specifically, leaving behind a ‘good life’ on the one heritage route I’ve tried so far–this is only an initial draft. It’s very good! There aren’t a lot of games with these thematic elements in them. I’ll definitely be watching for updates on this WIP.

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First of all, interesting concept. It’s intriguing to have a western theme and a journeyman theme mixed together and that’s something I haven’t seen in the forum yet (but then again, I’ve been here for only a year, so what do I know😅?)

Also, some observations I found;

Stuffs

I believe you meant to show that for confirming our name.

Also, I noticed that you have given a choice to have “Asian skin”. Please note that all Asians don’t have the same skin. Sorry if I’m nitpicking :sweat_smile:.

There’s a bit of typo and punctuation problems spread throughout the demo.

As @LadyUmbreon89 noted, sometimes, the protagonist’s intentions weren’t quite clear.

Overall, it’s quite good! Your English is definitely better than mine and the fact that you know French makes me a bit jealous, I’ll freely admiy :grin:

Color me intrigued (what’s intrigue’s color is btw?) :grin: I’ll be following this WIP.

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lol thank you so much, that is very helpful, those right there are my weaknesses, I never know when and how to properly punctuate and add comas or using tense or not using tense.

I will def keep bothering you with this project. :slight_smile: will add the corrective suggestions.

Thank again

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Thank you for reading, “he/she” did leave behind a good life, the reasons will be revealed a little later. Glad you enjoyed it :slight_smile:

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Hi, yes it is for confirmation, I am still learning choice-script and I am yet to really master that part, but I will def make the changes.

Yes thank you for commenting on this, lol I am a Black woman and I don’t know much about the Asian heritage, and there is not so much that google can give you lol. For example, I knew to use ebony for Black skin or fair for white skin but I did not know what other wording to use for Asian skin, that is why I said I did not want some sentences to sound insensitive or inappropriate.

So should I take that part out or can you suggest a better wording? any suggestions would be appreciated.

And for the French lesson lol there is so many ways to say it “Je suis intrigué, or Tu as toute mon attention” or ça m’intéresse" and so on :slight_smile:

Thank you :slight_smile:

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If you don’t mind me asking, would there be the choices for choosing your MC’s wild stallion/ small pony’s appearances? From the size, coat colour and physical appearances?

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Interesting question, the part you mentioned was a memory from when the MC was young, but I can def implement a choice in the upcoming chapter for the MC to get a new horse and even be able to give it a name and the details you mentioned could be added.

what do you think? thanks for reading. You speak French ? :slight_smile: noticed your bio.

I find the story intriguing!

There are some minor issues with grammar and indentation (e.g., stats page, naming page, and the lack of quotation marks when it is needed (e.g: the line-> “Why should I trust you? you probably want to rob me, since you know I am a traveler you said to him”). However, these are just nitpicky issues tha I’m sure you would amend eventually.

I think this is a bit tricky here. After all, the boundaries of what we define as Asia today, is founded based on Euro-centric conventions. The Ancient Greeks (who didn’t really know how far any of the continents stretched to) considered themselves to be the center of the world and casually defined areas east of them to be Asia, areas north and west of them to be Europe, and areas south of them, to be Africa.

And it just so happens, that the area considered Asia, was the largest and most populous continent. Naturally, this meant there was a greater amount of diversity as far as skin color and appearances goes. So when we consider this, it is difficult to determine what skin color or appearance a typical Asian would have, because the term ‘Asian’, just means anyone who originally came from this large and really arbitrarily defined geographical area east of where the Ancient Greeks were located.

‘Ebony’ and ‘fair’ skin are descriptions of people’s skin pigmentation, and thus doesn’t really have this sort of issue. You can, for instance, be ‘Asian’ and still have fair skin, which is hardly uncommon among the Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Kazak/Iranian etc. They may even have fairer skins than some people from Europe, such as the Spanish, but not necessarily other features considered typically European.

So assuming that you are just allowing people to pick the pigmentation of their skin, as opposed to an indirect way to select their cultural or ethnic identity/background, I think you can probably just expand on this by including more skin color options. Possibly, such as dark brown, brown, olive-skinned, etc (no idea if this is the best way to word them though!)

Just my two cents. Keep up the good work : )

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If you’re aiming to represent Chinese heritage (which is what most of the western media portray an Asian as) of the player, then this is still a bit tricky, since a person of Chinese hereditary can be of varying skin tones.

If your goal is to have the player choose their heritage, consider changing to options like Chinese, Native American, European etc.

If your goal is to have the player choose their skin tone, consider changing to options like ebony, tanned, fair, pale, olive etc. (you could use more beautiful wording tho!).

Or, you could ignore the existence of this post. Works for me :sweat_smile:

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Thank you, I think I will go that route, with the “choose your own heritage and skin tone” with two separates choices it would be easier and less tricky. I wanted to add the heritage because at this point the old west was just a melting pot of all races and it is so easily forgotten, we mostly read about the Europeans and the Natives.

Thank you for the inputs

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So well said, racial debate are never easy and when writing for different readers, it is better to use more sensitive wording as we all come in different shades and tones.

It was me being lazy by not adding the choice for skin tones separately, but I think I will edit and give the MC the choice to choose their own heritage and their own skin tones separately.

Thank you for you inputs

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I’d love that idea, especially what I like are horses and different kinds of horse breeds.

Eh…no. All I am interested in quotes and verses in French, particularly Voltaire.

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haha ok, thanks for the suggestion I will work with it. :slight_smile:

Big fan of what you have so far, it’s been way too long since I’ve read a good Wild West book or game so I’m very hyped to see where this goes.

Liking the stats page, although maybe instead of healthy and injured being opposed pairs it could be just 100% health and then it goes down for injuries as the 50% healthy seems to imply that we’re already injured.

Story is great, the characters are unique which I especially like. I do notice that the MC smiles a lot, which is completely fine but seems a bit out of place if I choose a doubtful or silent option and then crack into a trusting smile when I’m going for moody vibe. Also I can’t even really tell it’s your second language, c’est vraiment bien écrit, votre anglais pourrait être mieux que le mien :upside_down_face:

Some mistakes I found

“With their loot”
“to ambush them”

“to the barely lit fire”
“Taking a seat”
“As your horse quenches its thirst trying to get refreshed.”
“You have never minded”

“Your mother taught you”

“Strong and powerful with accurate aim”
“For an enemy shootout, it would work better if used…the shooter”

“The saloon girl took”

“It is the truth”

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