The Barrens (WiP)


#1

The world as we knew it is gone, taken from us by the fires of nuclear death. Sixty years have gone by since the destruction of modern civilization and the world isn’t looking any better. Raiders walk the landscape, pillaging and killing anyone they come across. Mutated men and beasts roam the ruins of cities, looking for their next victim.

Those that cannot or refuse to adapt and fight are swallowed up by the dangers of the world. The differences between life and death could be the speed of your draw, the silence of your steps, or your ability to out think you enemy. The weak will not thrive in this world. Only those with the will and skills to survive can carve out their destiny in the wastes. This is your life. This is the Barrens.


In this little WiP I’ve come up with, you will be playing as an inhabitant in 2081 New York/New Jersey, fighting thru everyday life with people from your group/town. Everyday activities include running from mutated animals, shooting down raiders, and the occasional radiation poisoning.

So far, these are what the first section includes:

-prologue
-13k words
-introduction of 2 romance options

Any tips will be welcomed. If you like it, hate it, or feel like I should be kicked off a cliff, go ahead and say it so that I can edit it to the best of my abilities. Enjoy the game

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/318000560/web/thebarrens/index.html


#2

It certainly looks interesting! I believe that many people will like it. Everything looks very good. I just play these games for the immersion, and I can’t get immersed if the gender is only a female. ^^ Is that a final thing? The female-only plot, at least.


#3

@that1german

First, I like your name made me chuckle…secondly, overall I personally like the story so far, keep working on it.

As for things that stuck out, to me they’re two…

  1. (personal pet-peeve) right before the explosin…i believe that it should be “…remember that your dad and I love you” instead of me and your dad…
  2. I dont know if I missed it or if you plan on including it later, but I personally would appreciate having some idea on what happened to the dad and mom

#4

@quan499 no that’s just the prologue to show a firsthand look at when the missiles hit. You’ll choose gender and name when you hit chapter 1

@BraveMustang it should tell what happened to the mom after the explosion and the dad on the next scene. Did the next scenes not load right?


#5

Also would anyone be interested in sketches to be added in?


#6

@that1german

My bad, I missed the part about the mom, and im guessing the dad was nuked in the explosion


#7

I think this has a lot of potential. Have you ever played the Fallout series? I’m excited to see this where this goes :slight_smile:


#8

Played it, it’s great! Fallout like and a great story! Zed and will be great hunting buddies!


#9

I always get Post-Apocalypse settings mixed up with modern day Detroit settings.


#10

Woot, there will be a male gender? Well, I’m definitely adding this to my bookmarks. Can’t wait to see the rest!

By the way, loved Fallout 3 and New Vegas. Here’s to hoping that we see some sort of Super Mutants!


#11

Maybe they’ll have another Boone character lol


#12

Oooh yeah, I forgot to add that this reminds me of fallout and I absolutely love that.


#13

I like what you’ve got, it was interesting how you started with a different character, I liked it.


#14

I like the writing, and love the setting, but you might want a checkpoint system if you’re going to have death be one mistake away.
Also, it seems that not selecting guns or melee at character creation makes it impossible to get past monsters at the start. Either the Rotter or a hellhound kills my character, and neither the knife or the rifle is effective since my skill is low.


#15

@Steampunkninja, Need a checkpoint system if death is one mistake away? Haven’t you ever played Rogue or Nethack? Death is death, mannn


#16

@Doctor: I love roguelikes, man, but clicking through the entire story I’d already read to make nearly identical choices is much more frustrating, mostly because, unlike roguelikes, everything stays the same.


#17

@SteampunkNinja yeah that’s bad on my part. I didn’t know how to implement a save/checkpoint system so I didn’t include. Once I learn how I’ll put it in ASAP. And I kind of wanted the combat mechanics to outplay the others so far since it’s the end of the world and if you don’t know how to defend yourself, you’re gonna die. I’ll see bout adding a way to get pass the rotter/hellhounds without melee or guns when I get off of work

@XxLordNamelessxX it is hard to tell sometimes isn’t it?

@quan499 the only real human mutant I’m gonna put in are the Rotters. Maybe I’ll put in a part where you go up against an anomalous one later on

@BraveMustang yeah dad got nuked while in Berlin


#18

quick error (i think)
They resembled dogs, but were changed by the resulting radiation. They were all hairless save for a few patches across their famine and weakened bodies, which was the color of deep red.
I think there shouldn’t be an ‘and’ between ‘famine’ and ‘weakened’. I think you are trying to say ‘famine weakened bodies’. I don’t think famine is an adjective by itself, like you couldn’t say ‘famine bodies’. I could be wrong, but it just sounded weird.


#19

You really need to work on your writing. Don’t get me wrong, the premise of your story does sound very interesting but your tenses switched in and out so many times I didn’t make it past the prologue.

Prologue

Jen also remarked how her dad was still in the states
Should be ‘the States’, as it refers to a country

These next three errors are in this one big paragraph that I think you should split, so that the description of the mother has it’s own paragraph, to make reading a little easier

You decided to also go with the white sash to go around your waste
Waist, not waste

Hopefully you won’t get any cake on it or Mom will have your head.
Should be, ‘Hopefully you wouldn’t get any cake on it or Mom would have your head,’ as it’s in the past tense.

• Again, this sentence should be in the past tense
She’s starting to develop bags under her eyes and she seemed to be more tired than usually. Also, ‘usual’ fits better than ‘usually’

Finishing her conversation, she turns her attention back to you.
You might want to elaborate that she was finishing the conversation that she was having on the phone.

Why does the mother refer to Jennifer as ‘Jen’? Why would she be on nickname terms with a child her daughter is barely friends with?

Jennifer is a jerk. She was saying how dad Shouldn’t ‘dad’ be capitalised, like ‘Mom’?

Your tenses are all over the place again on the rest of this page, and I think you really need to start separating the big walls of text especially the dialogue

I’ll show you what I mean, by splitting up (and editing) the whole Mr. Parsley story (by the way, would a seven year old kid, really be able to distinguish between all different type of the same flower? Like I get knowing the difference between a tulip and a Venus fly trap, but five types of geraniums? Really?):

Jennifer’s house was just outside of New York City–so it was going to take a while to get there. On the way, you stared out the window watching everything going by.

The houses in your neighborhood looked all the same, each being two-stories tall with a large yard. You noticed Mr. Parsley cutting the grass. He usually acted like a stereotypical old grouch, but you were able to get to his soft side when you helped him pull weeds out of his garden last summer.

Mr. Parsley was genuinely impressed when he heard you talking about your own flower garden and how you were hoping to have petunias and peonies later that year. He then took you around back and showed you his greenhouse. Inside, your marvelled at all the different plant species he was growing in there.

From where you stood, you could see tulips, geraniums and even a few Venus fly traps–and many other species of plants, of course–all alive and thriving in Mr. Parsley’s little piece of heaven.

The following spring, you, Mr. Parsley, and Dad made regular trips to the local home improvement store to buy flower seeds so that you could start planting a garden of your own.

Of course, that was before Dad was deployed.

I didn’t read much more of your story–sorry!–because overall I think you really need to revise your grammar and tenses and work on making your story easier to read!

One question though, why does WWIII seem so similar to WWII? Or is it just that I haven’t read far enough?


#20

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