Shattered Realms (WIP) - EmptySkies


#1

Start from the beginning.

Rewriting again…

http://dashingdon.com/index.php

Opinions…


#2

Looks promising, hope you continue it, i like the stat system.


#3

Question…

Could you fight, which weapon would you like to wield…?


#4

2 magic daggers. Get as many hits in as possible and I gotta stay light on my feet plus I can damage enemies that aren’t really hurt by normal physical weapons.
If that isn’t an option than go heavy with a large broadsword and a shield take them down with one hit while surviving every hit thrown my way.
or just magic.
Magic is always good.

Also I just stole my sisters panties.
can I use them for anything?
I can imagine the funny situations that could come about from our mc having panties on hand.


#5

Loot can be sold…

Having some specific loot will cause unique events… So you are free to hold on to them.

Regarding your weapon…

You can only wield one dagger in the beginning… You will need some mastery to use Dual Wielding.

MC is available to use magic…


#6

Can gear augment our stat?


#7

Yes…

I’ll add different types later on.


#8

I have a small list of available weapons…

Gauntlets & Greaves
Sword
Dagger
Axe
Mace
Hammer
Shield
Heavy Sword
Katana
Heavy Axe
Heavy Mace
Heavy Hammer
Spear
Lance
Bow
Crossbow
Gun
Heavy Gun
Staff
Wand
Harp

I asked before so I could add the type everyone prefers…

Please submit a weapon that is not in the list that you would like so I can add it…


#9

Are the heavy weapons two handed?

Also can we get claws.
something like this?


#10

They should be two handed by nature…

But I can change that once you reach a better mastery… How does that sound?

I sort of thought it would fit inside Gauntlets & Greaves… Since it is attached to the body.

Would it be better if I put it separately…?


#11

Gauntlets seem to be more blunt force with these claws being stabbing weapons.
Thats how I feel at least.


#12

I’ll put them separately, but in the same group…

How many people would be okay to put in a battle…?

The current number is 12…


#13

okay, so firstly, i sincerely apologize if any of this comes off too harshly. i’m certainly not trying to be too hard on you, but i’ve got a lot to say. you most certainly do not have to change your game in any way just because i’m saying so. i want you to know that all i’m asking you to do is to read each of my points carefully and consider what to do. your game absolutely has potential and your stats, while possibly too ambitious for the long run, are incredibly detailed.

i think the biggest thing that puts me off, personally, is that you appear very disinterested in presenting your game to us. it appears to me that you aren’t having a good time doing this, and that just isn’t fun. i’m not trying to say you aren’t enjoying yourself doing this, just that that is generally the vibe i get from your writing.

your writing style, as it is currently, is doing more harm than good–or at the very least, it does not appeal to me personally. blunt writing styles can be amazingly executed, but yours is just sort of too vague and impactless to really… have much of an effect. on the very first page, what particularly got me was…

‘It might not be appropriate for some people.’

that tells me nothing. what is the content you think might be inappropriate? for what groups might the game be inappropriate for? we cannot be effectively cautious readers if we aren’t actually told the contents of your story that might, indeed, not be appropriate for some people.

a lot of things in this story are just very ‘Oh. Okay.’, if that makes sense at all. it’s very limp and most certainly does not make for a very engaging read, at least not for me.

a mysterious voice is speaking to me… Oh. Okay.
i’m in my completely nondescript room… Oh. Okay.
i’m in my sister’s completely nondescript room… Oh. Okay.
there are many large corpses strewn about… Oh. Okay.

but there are definitely some places the blunt writing is used to a nice effect–for example, the matter-of-fact introduction to the fact monsters exist in this realm. there’s no time wasted faffing about with exposition yet, and that is nicely refreshing. but this does quickly fall into ‘too vague’ territory because we’re then simply not told enough, resulting in the world feeling a bit lifeless and everything feeling extremely linear.

i would strongly suggest reading more literature/IF with the writing style you’re working with–kevin snow of bravemule’s works, as well as many, many other twine games do something similar to what i think you’re attempting. i would also suggest using a program with a spellchecker, since i see a fair few errors of that type. i’d be happy to point them out myself, if you’d like!

*hide_reuse and *line_breaks are commands i think you’d find very useful. we just sort of search for one item and then it doesn’t really… matter anymore, at this point, so i think it’d be a lot more effective to just get rid of the option to search again. *line_breaks would make the battle screens appear a lot less bloated, as well.

i think you should mention that those are panties before giving the option to pick them up. i was very off-put by that, since i’d basically just sort of been misled into picking up my sister’s underwear for no reason. that’s not cool. it is, overall, pretty unnecessary–but you could at least do that, if you’re really wanting to keep it for whatever reason.

i would also suggest not actually having a character explain the combat screen. that’s a bit jarring, to say the least–particularly, i would expect, for the cog and general IF crowd.


#14

6-8 enemies max in a fight fight seems good and manageable.


#15

I would assume so…

There are 6 slots for each party… And since you will not be able to take control of the whole team, it might be a mess…


#16

…You make fine points.

The lack of reaction of the MC is because they are really unmoved by the events they experience.
This may be a personality flaw while writing…

You are right about not warning the readers more specifically… I am kind of afraid to warn about some very… controversial choices you will have to make in the future and scare people off.

And about the panties… I kind of wanted to amuse myself by trolling the readers…
Sorry.

The background story is somewhat dark… I will try leaving bits and bits for the reader as they progress.


#17

while that initially seems like it makes sense, it also, as i said, makes for an equally unmoving experience for the reader. figure out ways–reasons–for the reader to keep reading. i certainly think some allusions to the background would help, but do also try to include more visual/sensory description in general.

do not mislead your audience about something like this. ever. not even if that’s the crux of your story. it’s better to have a smaller audience (as literally anything and everything will have an audience) rather than purposely make your audience hate you because you wanted more $$$. please give your potential readers the ability to make a fully informed decision about not ending up reading your story. if you don’t want it to be up-front, as in literally right on the front page, then do make a separate page for content that might make people uncomfortable. it certainly doesn’t have to be in-depth, but it needs to be clear.

it’s alright.


#18

I am currently writing code for the first battle…

Once I finish it, the procedure should be faster and might improve.

I did make mistakes in spelling while writing…

I would appreciate if you told me where.


#19

I might be pushing the script a bit too far…

Is there a limit to how many variables there can be…?

What do the rest of you think…?


#20

not a problem.

But It will[…] > But it will
sorroundings > surroundings
courtains > curtains
alredy dawn > already
There seems to be no monsters[…] > seem
by extense, outside. > by extension
scavangers > scavengers
different usefulness > different uses
throw them at people. > throw it

there are a few oddities with some of your turns of phrase, however, which… is a bit difficult to address here. and, also–would it be too much of a bother for you to use less ellipses? not very important if it’s the most natural to you, but it would be a bit easier to read and make your tone less obscure. they do mean something, as any other type of punctuation.

and, uh… you most likely are pushing the script too far. i think it’d be more useful for you to utilize *temps–but honestly, i don’t think choicescript is the best for this type of game. not so convenient.