I really like this story can’t wait what happens next.
(In case of confusion: ROs are referred to with their male counterpart names!)
I enjoyed this! It’s intriguing! Although, and I saw a couple others mention this so I hope it isn’t a bother, I would’ve liked a little more build up? Such as when meeting Gable and the others, because it’s mentioned MC only just met them because of work, and I, personally, would like to see that. At least as a deleted scene sort of thing if it doesn’t work out in the project. To me, it would be like: “Aw man, what are they doing here? How do they know what’s going on?” Same applies to finding out supernaturals are a thing. I think it’d be cool (for lack of a better word) if MC had small run-ins with supernaturals before, and, for example, Trent ((lololol as if)) would step right in before things could happen (or anyone who is aware of them and knows how to deal with them). But that’s just me, and it didn’t stop me from reading ever onward. And it’s your story, at the end of the day! I understand how, well, scary it can be to show your writing to others.
I’m happy to have another supernatural WiP to read. I love the idea of supernaturals and humans co-existing, either knowingly or in secret; it’s kind of fun to see how everyone does this concept differently!
And dear author, lemme tell you, the very first time I posted, good lord, I was so anxious, my heart was beating out of my chest . So, hope I don’t come across as rude or anything, as I still enjoyed this and look forward to updates, of course, and appreciate the effort this took!
I found a few typos in my playthrough but nothing major-!
This is if I choose for MC to be in Moonvale because Dad passed away:
“Measure” not “messure”
Is a space supposed to be here, as in a line break?
Lowercase “i”- pretty sure, since it’s a continuation. I’m… I’m terrible at this.
Here too! Or: “Here,” he says. “Read.” works just as well!
I hadn’t encountered pronoun issues and my MC is female. Also, I noticed there are choices that don’t end in a period, and while not a major thing, it was something I kept noticing, so I thought I should mention it. I also want to bring up the character customization! If it’s possible, and something you want to do/feel is necessary to do at all, I think it could be implemented differently as it currently feels… just sort of there. Does that make sense? I suck at this, but, say the hair choices could come up while MC is cleaning the kitchen. Like: “You run your hand over…” and then the choices are “…your long/short/choppy/etc. hair”, and maybe add flavor text from there. MC has curly or kinky hair? Oh, MC makes mention that it can be annoying when tying their hair back because it refuses to submit to a hair tie, or something.
Edited in case of spoilers!
Don’t worry at all, you weren’t rude in the slightest. What you said is extremely helpful and you were even kind enough to help collect remaining typos! I definitely agree with the appearance building of the MC feeling thrown in. I admit I was feeling rather overwhelmed with everything happening in script, along with the process of trying to keep writing and hoping I hadn’t broken anything. I kinda said… just be done with this part already since I had already re-wrote the beginning several times!
I also happen to greatly like the idea of adding in the interview. As of right now, I’m still writing up chapter two. It’s something that may be added in once I’m done writing the second part. Thank you so so very much for everything you’ve said!
I understand completely! I’ll go back over a scene so many times to the point of obsessing over it that when I do go onto anything else, I just want to cry because I start to think of everything I still have to do . I’m glad I didn’t come off any sort of way though. I was worried I’d be condescending or seem like a know-it-all at worst.
I will be watching this thread-
Expect chapter two in the coming week!
Lookin foward to it.
Nice can’t wait
Ahhh another great wip to bookmark, looking forward to seeing what race the MC turns out to be, is the race fixed or determined by choices or previous choices?
Thank you for your kind words! As of right now, what the MC is fixed.It is tied into the story. However, that could also change with enough feedback on wanting a selection. I would just have to figure out a new way to tie that in.
I have this bookmarked “for later”, but didn’t play yet.
Would you suggest me to play before you update, or wait until you upload it?
You can go ahead and play now. The first chapter is set to help introduce characters and set up what’s to come. It doesn’t end in a cliff hanger or anything. Rather, it eases you into the world. I’m hoping to have the chapter out by Tuesday or Wednesday this week. It won’t be a very long wait, either way. I hope you enjoy it.
I can’t wait! I love this WIP! : D
Okay, I’ve played it!
It’s a very interesting game, and I’m curious as to where it’ll go!
With that being said, I had a couple of issues during my playthrough (sometimes with the stats, and sometimes more about the avaible options during choices or about the pacing).
I believe some of these things have already been mentionned, from what I remember (I’ve skimemd over the comments when I discovered the game), but I prefer to still list everything, since I think each opinion counts.
The game is called differently in the OP here and on DashingDon itself. Which one is the “true” name?
No matter what is a book about or how strange it looks, I consider it would make the MC more evil to toss it to the trash, by principle.
No one should just throw a book away like that, so I guess I’m a bit miffed that the option to do so add to the Good stat. And I certainly don’t consider that thinking a mysterious book in an unknown language to be curious and wanting to try and read it later should add to the Evil stat.
I do understand the book is something weird and so on. But on the very core principle of it I don’t agree.
I know it’s probably just me, though!
The choice of looking under the bed:
Something doesn’t work with it, and it doesn’t add anything to the Brave stat nor to Mer’s relationship, as it should from what I see in the code. I think this is not the only instance of a stat increase not registering, but I don’t look at the stats all the time so I wouldn’t be able to list more of these.
The beast attack:
I wish there was an option to try and talk to the “beast” at the cementery in a calming tone of voice. I mean, I know that’s what I would legit try to do IRL in that case. As even if an animal can’t understand your words, it CAN register the tone, so trying that makes sense. I guess it could be considered a Coercion + Brave choice?
Gable and Taj:
I think that was mentionned before, but I’d add something with Gable and Taj (and well, Trent too) before shit goes down, so that their implication in all that stuff would actually seem weird for the player too, not only to MC. The way things are right now the discovery isn’t really impactful since we literally meet them in these circumstances, instead of them appearing as normal humans first to the player too. Right now only MC is suprised.
When Trent is described:
That sentence bothers me: “The moment you locked eyes with him after being hired, the two of you were immediately set toward disliking one another.”
It “forces” MC to think a specific way about a character even if I wouldn’t have gone that way at all, not to mention it ties in with the previous issue of the player not meeting any of them before. It would feel better to actually actively play their first meeting and decide what MC thinks about him instead of making MC dislike him by default.
When learning of the supernatural:
My more instinctive choice is basically the opposite meaning to the third option, while keeping it’s tone. Basically, a “calm” answer in the lines of “I have always believed there is more to the world than what meets the eye, so I’m not that surprised”. The only choice that merely reflects my MC’s mood is that skeptic option, but well, it’s the exact opposite of what I’d imagine him to think so yeah, not really good either…
I think that’s it!
Aside from the actual issue of stat increases not registering sometimes, these issues are more of the personal opinion kind that anything else, so take them with a grain of salt, though obviously I’d be overjoyed with more options / opinions for my MC to have.
Well, I’ll be waiting for the update!
Thank you so much for everything you’ve said. Its incredibly helpful! I’m not sure why that stat isn’t increasing. I’ll look into it. I definitely would love to have more interaction with the player added so I will add more choices to help shape the character further. As for the issue of pacing, what spot needed to be worked on further? Thank you for helping me make my story better!
Well, it’s basically the fact MC already knows the characters while the player doesn’t, so it’s up to you to decide where you’d like to add a scene for the introductions, if you wish to do so.
It could be by the beginning of the story, or maybe a flashback before MC falls asleep, or something like that.
I say it’s a pacing issue, since basically, the story progresses a bit fast, in the sense that the player don’t have the time to meet the characters before the reveal about them, so it’s not about a specific moment, but about the lack of some informations, if you prefer.
I got you. I’ll definitely see what I can do to fix that!
I added a flashback scene to the first chapter which shows how you first met the group at the bar. I also added more description for everyone: including what Taj/Tara looks like. There’s also two new interactive responses to certain things happening in the first chapter. The second chapter is still set to come out tomorrow
I’ll wait till tomorrow though, so I’ll check the additional scenes AND the new content all at once!
Chapter two is now up! I had to add a few changes in the start up with long and mid length hair. If you pick either of those and flirt with Tara/Taj, it will break any older saves. Be sure and make a new save to fix that problem. Thanks everyone for your amazing feedback and helping me improve!
Super stoked to play the demo again. The character creation and immersion was on point as I really felt going through emotions while interacting with them which only shows how well theyve been fleshed out and written, especially Tara and Tress.
A couple of errors :
It will be Tara i think instead of Taj
That’s about it, regarding the errors.
I also like the rework you did on the first chapter to increase the immersion and bring the pacing to a more enjoyable degree!
Also I see what you did there
Keep up the good work, really interested to see more of this!
I’m curious about one thing tho, do we go on the path to become a sub, irrespective of what route we follow, if at all there are routes and branches in the story?
Also, is Kiva also a part of the roster of supernaturals? I’m betting she’s the demon hehe.
And, although a minor question, regarding angels and demons, considering they’re mythical creatures, can we really consider them in the “supernatural” roster? I mean werewolves and vampires are fine but demons and angels bring up a whole new ballgame!