I just finished playing through a couple times. I like it! The MC doesn’t show a lot of personality yet, but that’s perfectly understandable. The setting is intresting, and should be a lot of fun to explore. Rez shows a lot of personality and seems pretty fun (even if my MC still dislikes everyone involved in the car fiasco.) I’ll enjoy watching my MC butt heads with him. The other NPCs hide their emotions a lot more, so I’m pretty neutral to them. Hopefully we’ll get to know them better soon.
I also took a bunch of notes while playing. Maybe they’ll be helpful? I’ll tuck them inside details boxes just in case. (There were a couple places where I went back and edited older notes after something new happened in-game, but they’re mostly written just as I thought of them while playing.)
During the hospital/clinic portion...
“What are you going to do, go on long picnics with yourself?” “Regardless of your impending death, I don’t need the heat of having two of you around, even if just for a few hours. End of discussion.”
Unneccesary quotation marks between “yourself?” and “Regardless.” (This happens at least twice. Are these *line_break errors?)
This stack took some nervous damage before he passed though so you’re going to have the shakes like an addict going cold turkey.
I’ve not yet tested the veteran addict meatstack I keep choosing reptile; I can’t help it but if this offers both a female and a male stack, it may be wise to change “before he passed” into something more neutral, like “before passing” or “before they passed”. “They” may actually be a great choice, as could imply the doc has several to choose from, and picks one reasonably appropriate given our MC’s dying stack.
It’ll take a few days to fully get used to your new face but it’s those vertically slit reptillian eyes staring back at you from your still humanoid face that send a little shiver down your spine. On impulse you stick out your tongue at the stranger staring back at you and you’re relieved to see it isn’t forked.
Little details like these are wonderful. That tongue inspection!
so you pull on the rough gray trousers and top.
It might be wise to mention some kind of basic underwear, in a generic way. Unless we’re meant to be “going commando.”
"You need to check out please ma’am.
Missing a closing quotation mark.
Meeting the gang in the car...
The hairs on the back of your neck bristle as they continue to follow you and you keep your step light,
Totally unimportant and unrelated to anything else, but since the reptile stack comes with “short, spiky” hair, is this visible to someone paying attention to us?
and hurtle past a swearing Jaks.
What’s a Jaks like, apart from an alien big enough to have “lumbering footsteps?”
Okay, I’ll admit there’s a chance I’m misreading this terribly. Maybe Jaks is meant to be an individual name rather than a species name. But given the difficulty my MC had remembering her own name, and my MC’s complete lack of reaction to (or recognition of) this “Jaks” beyond dodging her punch, I’m currently leaing towards “Jaks as an alien species’ name” rather than “Jaks is the name of a unique individual our MCs know.”
"How else where we going to catch her, she was running circles around all of us, damned quick meatstack she is riding in now.
Missing a closing quotation mark here, and it would probably be better to use a question mark instead of a comma after “catch her.” Personally, I’d also replace the comma after “all of us” with a period or exclamation point. No changes to the words themselves, though.
"I’m surprised you came peacefully Keno,
Who or what is a “keno?” Is that a species like “Jaks,” a proper name (given or family,) or a codename? I feel like maybe claiming it as our name would tell us, but I just can’t resist the “Fook Yew” option no matter how curious about Keno I am. And I may be wrong about this, but I’m fairly sure the phrase “come peacefully” is typically used only to refer to non-violent obedience, and doesn’t include running away down a dark alley.
Rez puts in and reaches behind him to pick up a tray which he places in front of you. For a moment you think Jaks is going to protest but she keeps quiet.
Two things: First, shouldn’t that be “the Jaks” since it was used as what appeared to be a species designator during the chase? Second, given the rather enormous list of weapons on the page after this, how does Rez have a tray full of weapons smaller than a dining table, let alone a tray small enough he can move it around inside a crowded ground-car? Wait, are we actually in a ground-car at this point, or was it an air-car that landed for the kidnapping? Pure curiosity, it isn’t actually relevant.
Would it work for this scene if choosing which type of weapon the MC prefers is moved to later, and this is used for Rez testing how the MC reacts to weapons instead? I’m envisioning Rez drawing his own pistol, removing the ammunition (or charge pack,) and offering it to an MC who then chooses between things like: Grab and pocket it; Hit him with it; Hit the Jaks with it; Try to lunge over the seat to hit the driver with it. Rez: “Cute. Now give my gun back.” MC: “It’s mine now!”
“No.” “Don’t worry,” he adds. “They’re not loaded. We’re not stupid.”
Extra quotation marks between “no” and “don’t.” Also, given how our MCs have just been kidnapped at this point, wouldn’t it be less “don’t worry” and more “don’t get your hopes up?”
During the chase scene...
You can just about make out the high pitch scream from Jaks before thunder explodes in the confines
Okay, at this point it’s pretty clear I’ve misread the earlier sentence referring to “a swearing Jaks,” and it really is her name or codename. But if our MCs can recognize her without needing an introduction, shouldn’t we have had some kind of reaction based on our previous relationship with her? For example; if we were friendly or romantic: “Jaks, help! It’s me, ${name}! Some maniac’s trying to kidnap me!” Or if we were unfriendly: “Jaks, you traitor! I should’ve known you’d turn on me!” Or if outright hostile: “Don’t think you’re getting away with this, Jaks! I’ll kill you when I return!”
Also, so far as I can tell, Jaks is never actually introduced. At least, not to MCs who ran away from the car when the driver (Hail? is that the driver’s name/codename?) starts waving her gun around. Maybe other MCs get an introduction.
I really love how we’re allowed to spend the whole car chase hiding on the floor of the vehicle instead of joining the gunfight. It works beautifully with the whole “lost memories” and “kidnapped by maniacs” things my MC has going on at this point in the story. As the van kept getting closer and closer, I kept worrying my MC would arbitrarily start defending the maniacs who snatched her off the street, even though there’s a chance (a vanishingly small chance, I admit) the van is trying to rescue her from said maniacs. And… she was never forced to fight. The whole chase, my MC was allowed to hide on the floor and think to herself “Which of these groups am I supposed to be fighting? Who’s actually on my side?” I loved it. For players who did fight back, were you able to protect the gang’s car from the vans?
I am disappointed we can’t choose to run away after the car crash, while the car-gang is distracted fighting the van-gang. Apart from kidnapping us at gun- and taser-point, these maniacs haven’t put much effort into introducing themselves. And they certainly haven’t explained anything. Wait, that’s unfair. They did explain what a “soul scan” is. (That’s nowhere near enough for my MC to forgive them for kidnapping her, but it’s something.)
CLIFFHANGER ENDING!? What happened with the grenade? My MC tried to kick it, then the game said “Chapter 2” and ended! Did she kick it away? Did she miss and get saved by someone else? I refuse to believe she missed and the whole gang just died because of it…
I enjoyed this sample a lot, and I’ve got high hopes it’ll turn into something amazing. Keep up the good work!
) and it seems you’re struggling with the variables. May I put a word or two in here?
while having some extra flavor texts in-game. Perhaps an NPC will make a comment on PC’s appearance, perhaps your PC can camouflage itself as an actual crocodile while swimming 
, or whatever.
