Phoenix: The Beginning (WIP)


#1

Hello! I’m new here and this is my first game.

Warnings: This game will touch on some subjects like kidnapping, bullying, suicide, and murder so if you’re not comfortable reading about these things, I’d advise against clicking the link.

Summary: In the world of Maejink, everyone is born with a power. Your power is healing and it’s exactly the thing someone would need when fighting a war. You’re basically kidnapped and forced to join the army. The point of the game is to get to know the characters. It’s pretty linear so far.

The only writing I’ve ever really done is school essays and papers so I apologize if it’s is rather bad.

Have fun!
http://dashingdon.com/play/Nhia/phoenix:-the-beginning/mygame/


#2

Ooh, I like it so far!

A couple of minor typos:

Before the unexpected death of King Horace, the town of Vancant was doing quite well for it’s* small size.
*That should be ‘its’ without the apostrophe, I think, since the word is a plural possessive, not a contraction for ‘it is’.

It’s been said that notwo* people alive have the same power
*Should be a space between ‘no’ and ‘two’.

The concept seems fun, and it looks like the plot could go in all kinds of interesting directions from here. My only suggestion so far would be to add a little more action in with the dialogue. Personally, I enjoy dialogue-heavy scenes, but other types of interactions would liven up the first few sections, especially with the high number of characters we encounter. Dye’s little number on my MC and Mighty knocking me halfway across to next Tuesday when I tried to help her hands without warning are two good examples of action mixed in with dialogue…I would love to see some more of that.

I also really enjoyed that I could type in options for things other than just my name; the extra level of customisation was nice. I look forward to seeing more of the story.


#3

-Faewkless starts writing a list-
Avoid:
Viper
Heal as little as possible:
Glacier
Befriend:
Everybody else


#4

Good progress so far! I would suggest breaking up long paragraphs a little more. There are a few paragraphs that almost cover my entire screen, it’s difficult to read.


#5

Can we be like a battle field medic ya’know heal everyone regardless of friend or foe?


#6

@Fiogan Thanks for catching the typos! I’ll keep your suggestion for more action in mind as I write. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

@Crotale Sorry about that! I forgot people can play it on their phones and stuff too. I’ll make sure to break them more.


#7

@faewkless Love the list. :smiley:

Healing your enemies will be one of the things you can do as you do have a bar in the stats for the other kingdom. However some people may not like it.


#8

Can we heal the effects of vipers poisons like neutralize them?
Also can we play calm cool and collected(except to the ro we like).(My mc just really dislikes hugs)
I would really like to just deadpan all of vipers advances. (I have 40 relationship with viper…I feel unclean)


#9

Can I just say that I find Etheridge absolutely hilarious? For some reason he reminds me of Colonel Mustang from FMA ((2003) specifically the FMA version, where he was obsessed with making miniskirts an official part of the soldier’s ensemble).

Also, your writing isn’t bad at all, it’s quite nice actually and the characters are pure gold (I find Mighty, for example, hilarious), I would recommend one thing though: slow it down a bit and describe the scene a bit more, you move too quick sometimes (to me this was most apparent in the tour chapter when you meet all the characters one after another) and sometimes had me scratching my head as to where I was again and how we got there to meet that particular character.

All in all though, I like it, I like it very much.


#10

I really enjoy what you have so far I was a bit sad when it ended


#11

@faewkless How do I say this without giving too much away? Let’s just say Viper’s name is a bit deceiving about what her true power really is. But don’t worry, as long as you’re on her side she won’t be poisoning you again.

My plan is to write the story in a way that allows you to decide what to do and say. It’s sort of working out so far. Let me know if you would have acted differently than the choices given to you and I’ll see if I can fit them in.

Sorry! The relationship bar shouldn’t have gone up that high. I hit the wrong number. Lol.

@malebranche I’m glad you like the characters! They practically ended up writing themselves. Etheridge was supposed to be more serious but no he didn’t want to be that way.

Thanks for the suggestions. Writing description is kind of hard for me at this point because all I’ve ever really written is essays. However, I’m working at it!

I’m glad you liked it!


#12

@Zeus That means I’m doing something right! Yay!


#13

Could you add some decisions that allows you to ask what happened to Mr. Bradley?


#14

wait a minute…
So far the powers that affect the body require physical contact.(me and viper) is it less she produces poison more she can affect people mentally through lip contact and such?
And did she make me experience the bitter taste to throw me off?
So that means plastic lips will nullify her.


#15

@bomsasa It’s so sweet of you to ask about what happened to Mr. Bradley! In all honesty, I don’t think any of the characters know. I’m not even sure myself. I’d imagine he just limped home. He’s a tough guy. Nothing’s gonna stop him from hunting again.

On a side note, because @Malebranche mentioned FMA, we could just say he’s a homunculus and leave it at that. I’m sorry if you have no clue what I’m talking about. I just thought it was a funny coincidence.


#16

@faewkless Her power’s not that complicated. Here’s a hint: it only affects herself. Have fun with that. :wink:

You know, I’m actually curious about what everyone thinks the characters’ powers are. Let me know! Also, I’d like to see what you all named your MC if you gave him/her one. I was so tempted to have Mr. Etheridge suggest the name Pulse. It sounds pretty cool for a name but when you think about the meaning it’s kind of messed up.


#17

Well, at least no one can say that your characters aren’t eccentric…
However, is there any significance to the hair colors of the characters? I’m curious since there are so many different colors it would make anime characters look bland in comparison, and most of the characters have a description that includes their color.


#18

Glacier seems like a pretty cool guy - when he mentioned being a “fighter” though was that a reference to something that would come up later on in the game? Like a battle-healer/fighter -style pathway?


#19

So are there going to be options to try and escape?


#20

I loved the terrible naming skills of Mr. Etheridge. Suggesting Pulse would have been awesome. Also, I know it wasn’t quite in line with the way my main character’s power works, but I chose the name Potion.

And Viper is perhaps immune to poisons?