Pangea Short Stories [WIP]


#1

I need feedback, harsh feedback to determine what Im doing wrong. Im a bad writer ,worse in English, And i never could have the level to publish a game here. But i love write and Im constant. And want only get better but like my game is So bad if i just put the demo how there is now.people would hate me even more.

So Im begging for help from someone to be harsh and grumpy and overall sincere. Like i usually am when i give feedback. So please want beta test my humble stuff. Help me.

If you are brave enough pm me for the link


#2

i ain’t a great writer either but i can give you a hand or two i got a hella spare time so yeah. i got the basic idea of writing not as good as andy or someone but I can help you if you want


#3

I’m not very grumpy, but I do like to think of myself as sincere. If you ask for bluntness, you’ll get it c;

Sadly, I don’t have enough time to be thorough right now, but I’d be glad to help you, even if it’s only a little bit! I’m not very good with grammar, but I think I have a good eye for flow or whether or not something could be presented in a better way.

Idk, if you send me a link I’ll look over it.


#4

I’m a part time writer and part time critic part time critical bastard so I’d like to volunteer.


#5

I have loads of free time. I am not usually that harsh, but if you want me too, OK! Sign me up for beta testing.


#6

@MaraJade I don’t hate you. In fact, you’re one of my favorites here at CoG!


#7

@DaveDPF thanks you are kind Im a little depressed right now. >:D<


#8

@MaraJade

no-one hates you. Practice makes perfect just keep at it. Everyone has to start somewhere. Good writing is hard enough even without having to do it in another language. Just write and your fellow CoGers will help :slight_smile:


#9

Yo know what? i will put the link here. If someone want read it and critize it please you are welcome. I really need it. I would end the game anyway . But i f i receive critic and sugerence maybe someone would enjoy it. My English is harsh its not totally polished need a totally edition. But first i need hear any suggestion only are first part of prologue, 11,000 words code included.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/128296360/Pangea/web/mygame/index.html


#10

I tried it and don’t seem to get what you were saying about Bravery and everything. Except for a few minor errors here and there, it’s fine and good.


#11

Bravery? there are purposely sarcasm and parodies, y try to make it clear. End big error or bug? you could desire add or quit something?


#12

Oh I did not mean an error like that. I only meant a few spelling and capitalization mistakes.

EDIT: And I also got this

line 1: Invalid title instruction, only allowed at the top of startup.txt


#13

This is not a error is where it ends.


#14

I like the concept and originality @MaraJade, besides grammar and punctuation errors I found it highly enjoyable. FWIW +2 intranet skill for a sarcasm trait XD.


#15

I just started the game and it already reminds me of the “Poisoning the Steel Mind” WIP you did a while back.


#16

@RagEgnite same universe same groups involved. And spoilers maybe you see your other character again soon …

Poisoning still active Im adapting it to new cs and try to redo all my missing work. So its not dead. I hope you like . But i just want your sincere feedback


#17

From what I’ve seen just from opening it up… I’m definitely interested. Lots of grammar and punctuation as @Pace675 previously stated, but it is completely understandable. Here’s what I’ve found, mainly on the stat page:

(REMEMBER THE IMPERIAL LAW

CELIBACY IS FORBIDDEN

RELIGION IS DEATH

CONSUMPTION IS OBLIGATORY

THAT’S THE IMPERIAL ONLY LAWS THERE ARE ONLY A PUNISHMENT DEATH

Biochip profile data
Name: You can’t remember
Background: you aren’t bald so human you suppose
Gender: You have to look

Attributes
Strength: 10%
Intelligent: 10%
Charisma: 0%
Technology: 5%
Dexterity: 5%

Morality

gently: 50% ruthless: 50%
rebels: 50% imperials: 50%

Personality

Sarcastic personality: 0
Rudeness: 0
Politeness: 0)

Corrections:

(REMEMBER THE IMPERIAL LAW:

CELIBACY IS FORBIDDEN

RELIGION IS DEATH

CONSUMPTION IS OBLIGATORY

THESE ARE THE ONLY IMPERIAL LAWS. THERE ARE ONLY A PUNISHMENT: DEATH

Biochip profile data
Name: You can’t remember
Background: You aren’t bald so human you suppose
Gender: You have to look

Attributes
Strength: 10%
Intelligent: 10%
Charisma: 0%
Technology: 5%
Dexterity: 5%

Morality

Gentle: 50% Ruthless: 50%
Rebels: 50% Imperials: 50%

Personality

Sarcastic Personality: 0
Rudeness: 0
Politeness: 0)

Primarily punctuation, some capitalization, one or two word-switches. I know most of it is “the small stuff” but… You wanted harsh :stuck_out_tongue:

Next one:

(A black old men holo image , with a beutiful deep voice, fill your senses with the power of brain cybernetic interface. "select the category you want,please
You only had to thought in your selection your biochip could connected with every open console link to cyberspace.

Sadly you haven’t more than the basic edition. And your cyberspace connection is off line" You slowly select some topics from the virtual Victorian biblioteque, wondering, if you need change your virtual reality rooms decoration.)

Corrections:

(The Holo-Image of a black old man with a beautiful, deep voice fills your senses with the power of brain cybernetic interface.
“Select the category you want, please.”
You only had to think of your selection; Your biochip could connect with every open console link to cyberspace.

Sadly you haven’t more than the basic edition. And your cyberspace connection is offline. You slowly select some topics from the virtual Victorian bibliotheque, wondering if you need change your virtual reality room’s decoration.)

That’s all I could do for now as I’m a bit short on time. But hope that helps! I really do enjoy what you have; just the mere mention of Huxley is enough to spark my interest!


#18

Well I have a bit of trouble sometimes reading the story due to grammar, spelling and what have you, but I have a tendency to skim through pages anyway.


#19

@RagEgnite Tell me all your complains and what you like and hate, don’t worry for being harsh i need critics to improve. You find game offensive.?

@FortuneSFaded you are my grammar hero. tell me what you like and what you hate in story


#20

nice game i like the deus ex hint there