NOLA is Burning…THE REVIEW!ONEEXCLAMATIONPOINTONE!
Hi. I’m Jack. My life is pretty crazy. My mother wanted me to be a priest. Everyone seems to hate me. There’s this girl that I’m in love with, but well…mainly cause I’m told to love her I guess. And I’m not even sure if she loves me. Oh and I love milk. I drink it when I’m at my lowest. Milk. It does the body good…
Well…until they cut off my right hand. I asked them to kindly remove my head, but well, you know how it is. Apparently killing me wasn’t good enough. Bad guys are so hard to find these days. I’m also not entirely sure what kind of crazy universe I am in. At first I think it’s pretty dark. Then I think I’m somewhere in the Austin Powers timeline. And then sometimes its like Robocop. I really suffer an identify crisis most of the time. ONWARD GUTTERPUNKS!
Does this review sound kind of all over the place? Yeah, I thought so. That’s pretty much how I felt about the game. It seems to me like it’s trying to include a little bit of everything, but not really to the best effect. Let’s examine some of the themes…
From the very cover of the game, you should probably figure that the characters in this game aren’t going to be that serious. However the game sort of describes that the game IS serious. Or at least dangerous. Throughout the game you deal with characters called “The Bull” which can be male or female. But isn’t it a little odd that a female woman would want to be called “The Bull?” I mean I get it…no one wants to be “The Heifer” but you know…maybe she could be called something a bit more androgynous? And being that “The Dragon” is assumed to be male, but is actually female…doesn’t it seem a bit redundant if everyone thinks “The Bull” is a male, but actually isn’t? Just some thoughts on that situation. I picked male because I thought it would be like contending with The Kingpin from Marvel comics.
You have Malone who is a crooked cop who seems to want to bust you, or be your friend, or whatever else they seem to want him to be. I really don’t know much about him, except if I sucker punch him he hates me forever. As an informant my character didn’t really seem to do much and considering the statistics I’m not entirely sure he did a whole lot to cover my trail.
The Dragon is a villain, I suppose…but since I’m technically a villain, well…I guess that means we’re kind of the heroes of the story. She seemed to have one of those hissy fits when her traditional parents told her what to do so she became the Dragon and acquired ridiculously crazy cybernetic technology. She also seems to like making you drink horrible, horrible things which apparently make you stronger? Or high? Or maybe she just does bad things to you while you’re suffering, I’m not entirely sure. If I told her my plans, she made a contract with me. If I told her I was sick of hurting people she tended to just tell me to get outta there. Later on she gave me a metal leg (first play through) and also a metal arm, second play through. Then I guess we ruled NOLA together with an iron first or something.
The Pitt sounded pretty interesting. In my first playthrough he was a firebug and in the second playthrough he was making fun of some voodoo lady’s crippled cousin. Apparently after stopping him from setting things on fire and making him hang out with the crippled girl…he developed a hatred for me. So he kidnapped my boss’s girlfriend and well…actually what in the world DID he honestly do to my character? I don’t really think he did anything until I started coming after him. It makes me wonder why I couldn’t just join up with him in the first place. Doesn’t exactly seem very hard to hurt him.
The guy apparently likes to wear a baby bonnet and play in a tub full of money. Uh…the narration builds him up to be this bad mother, and seriously? You introduce him like this? I mean I lost a limb…went through all this trouble…and he’s just some loser in a bathtub? Yeah you’re definitely getting fed to your nanospiders, jerkwad.
Which clearly The Dragon gave him those spiders, which if you ask me, makes her pretty freakin dangerous too. I mean if she has all this tech why can’t she just go and take The Pitt out herself? Lazy. That’s why.
Not exactly villains, but significant to mention are the Gator Girls and their Aunt. This is kind of an area of interest in the game because the voodoo thing is just such a random element (along with the technology theme). By saving the cousin from The Pitt, I was able to get a necklace of some sort which ended up merging with my cybernetic arm and suddenly became very human looking. I guess that’s the perfect way to end the game as far as my cosmetics go. I’m not entirely sure how my fleshy hand started firing blades and flames, but you know…I suppose it goes along with the realm of voodoo magic.
You spent maybe like two minutes in a conversation with them and never meet their Aunt. And then you’re off on your journey. I would have liked to spend more of the story dealing with them or maybe pursuing one or both in a romantic relationship. Huzzah! Or at least recruit them in my war. Why not have some voodoo powers going on there? Zombies! Yeaaaah buddy! But sadly no.
Then we have The Bull again. This tank of a guy and as far as I can see the only way a fight happens is with his sneaky sniper through the window. I mean really? You talk all big on this guy. You have all this fear…and you don’t even get to duke it out with him and your crazy cyborg powers?
The girlfriend…meh. She really isn’t that interesting. She saved my life at least. I guess that’s nice, but I have no feelings for her nor do I understand who she is.
Oh! And the priest guy. I forgot about him. He’s pretty interesting what with the letter and all. I think he would be a fascinating character as well, but not really a big part of the game. More or less just to continue on some possible building up of your relationship with Bull’s wife/husband or give you the opportunity to seek forgiveness more. I liked him though. More or less.
(Continued in second post since I went over the character limit)