Hello im shilo cannon, iv post wips here before and written three others that I never posted before. I tend to stop writing because i worry my ideas aren’t good enough especially when i read other wips here and they’re so good. So I’ve written about 17k words and i’m looking for some feedback.
about the game. Set in a classical world of elves, magic and other such fantasy only the worlds reached the internet age. Magics dying out, orcs and dragons have been wiped out. You play the bastard child of the king on a journey that will take you to the throne.
Whats done
the intro and it’s four endings.
the start of the chapter one and a complete route based on arena slave intro ending. Game is tested it shouldn’t crash but if you see a 404 error it means you’ve reached the end of what i have written.
Update 9/22/2016
Arena slave chapter 1 route done.
Spelling/grammar issues fixed
Made race choice at the beginning more clear, hopefully. I don’t just want to say pick your race but being subtle is proving to be hard.
Update 10/3/2016
Spelling and grammar issues fixed
Extended god choice scene
first part of arranged marriage path done.
Don’t be worried about if something has been done before. Just write your heart out and let your inspiration and love of writing guide you. I’ll give it a look, when I’m now about to pass out from sleepiness.
I, for one, like the idea! I also have a thing for royalty-related IF so there’s that lol
The wip was interesting!
Besides some minor grammatical things it was easy to follow along with and seems like a good starting point.
I really want to know even more about those deities at the end. Do we get powers based on the one we choose?
Yes and no you can get powers but you have to devote some time to pray to them for power. if you got the intro ending where the arena master buys you, then you can see the gods effect since that is the route i have typed out.
also the gods give a small stat boost when you choose them.
Well you know there can never really be too many cute princes, right?
Don’t worry so long as your writing is good enough and your game has something to distinguish itself (which seems to be classical fantasy world reaches internet age, which is something I haven’t seen before to my recollection) you’ll do fine.
I like the premise but I believe I found a bug. I kept doing charismatic and smart choices but I ended up with intelligence 2 but fitness 10 for some reasons.
Yeah, it is very rough and definitely needs a lot of polish at this point.
Quick points I noticed playing through it.
My character escaped in the beginning and then stayed with a dwarven priest, so why do we still end up as slaves in the arena with no explanation at all. The game says the dwarf enrolls me in school for the next two years and then BAM! we’re a slave again in the arena with no explanation. I think losing his parental figure twice now to slavers would affect my mc more.
I’m not sure why those Gods want us to take the throne, being the former King’s bastard doesn’t make us particularly fit for it necessarily, particularly in the modern era where government is ridiculously complicated anyway and we lack any sort of education to even remotely prepare us for it.
Again about the Gods and the Kingdom my mc is rather more angry at his supposed “father” who lets him grow up a slave and I think his first instinct is to cheer on his “uncle” for deposing the guy and our “brother”, his only regret being that he couldn’t condemn them to slavery himself. I also question the morality of the Gods who apparently considered our vile slaver of a father and his son, good enough material to rule while somehow his brother/ our uncle is not? I get the feeling there’s more to it then that and we’re being used for something equally nefarious by them, which my mc definitely isn’t going to like.
Which brings me to my last point, while my mc would be happy to overthrow the current system he’d only do so in order to abolish the abominable practice of slavery and he’d want nothing to do with actually running the country, let the petite bourgeoisie figure out that mess themselves, but he has no interest in actually being “King” and certainly not as a mere figurehead in a gilded-cage in a palace where no-one would respect a former slave like him while simultaneously having to serve as a frontman for the slave system.
you choose race as the very first choice and gender as the second.
also looking through my code theres only a few intelligence raisers in the start up, most raise wisdom. as for the talk the guard into helping you those choice are more about wisdom then intelligence it doesn’t give intelligence unless you solve the puzzle. which you must have because it gives 2 and you had two.
that reaction is the race choice, the first option is if your mother was half orc the second option was if she was half elf and the third was if shes human.
