Definitely an interesting start, as others have mentioned, there are quite a few errors. I too would like an alternate action, like using your powers to throw her (Glitch) away or something. Delving deeper into mc’s background, you know, maybe sorting out their personality and how they got their powers would really help. Other than that, keep on trucking! I believe in you! 
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Thanks a lot for the feedback! Really appreciate it.
I’ll definitely work on fixing the errors.
If you don’t mind, could you point out some of the errors you noticed?
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Thank you, I’m glad that idea stood out to you.
Hope it lives up to your expectations.
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Hi, thank you for finding the error. It should be fixed. And for the last one, I changed it to “Lots of people in Ark dislike you, that’s for sure, but she’s the only one who’d make a scene over it. She’s a spoiled brat.” Hope that works =)
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Just finished the demo, I like it so far. My only suggestion is to add a synopsis explaining the broad strokes of the story. I put this demo off because it didn’t have one (my mistake I know). Otherwise that’s it.
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Thanks for the suggestion! I can’t edit my topic due to trust level limit, but once I can, I’ll add a synopsis to give readers an overview. =)
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Its interesting, but very short for a first chapter prologue and doesnt particularly stand out. A synopsis and more info on the topic would be nice, alongside a more exciting first chapter.
Seems to me like its more of a “super hero agency” job thing
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Hi, thank you for the feedback!
I agree with your points about chapter 1, but tbh I’m not entirely sure how I want to improve it, but it’s something I do want to revisit in the future.
As for the synopsis, I’ll add one once I’m able to edit the topic.
Thanks again!
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Hey, sorry for the late response. Someone broke my phone and I started a new job, all settled and good now though! I sent you a message regarding where to send it. 
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No worries at all! Glad to hear everything’s settled now.
I’ve sent you the share link to the document, let me know if you have any trouble accessing it!
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No problem, yeah writing an interesting intro prologue is tough. But in general imagine a tv show or a movie, in the first episode if its boring then it sets the tone of the series.
For eg in your story it starts with the MC being in jail, DMing his sister on telepathy Instagram and then getting offered a job to be an unpaid intern superhero.
It felt boring and generic, the character is passive, pushed by the story, gets a new job and all that.
This is not a good start to any story, the pacing is way too quick and feels like one of those manga/manhwas where “oh I died and got reincarnated in another world” kind of stories.
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Thanks for the detailed feedback.
I agree that the pacing is a bit too fast right now and the story doesn’t have much of a buildup. I’ve been thinking that maybe adding a small action or combat scene at the chapter 1 could help make it more engaging.
At the same time, I’m a bit hesitant to extend the dialogue too much, because I worry that I might accidentally dictate the MC’s reactions and personality for the player, which I really want to avoid.
Your feedback gives me some good ideas to experiment!
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Thanks for reading my feedback, I appreciate it.
Story and intro wise, the easiest is to get right into the action, put some flashbacks scenes and some dialogue. Thats the simplest way to hook the reader.
That being said I dont know the synopsis, genres or elements of the story, is this more of an action drama superhero story or a thriller with tragedy elements?
What are the themes of the story, is it revenge? escape? hunting down someone? being hunted down? or the generic saving the world lol.
What type of story is it? is it plot heavy? backstory heavy? character relationship and growth heavy? (my favorite)
What about tone? is it serious and dark? serious and dark but mixed with cheesy comedy and some romance? or light hearted and fresh? All of these play a role in crafting the prologue well
As you mentioned, some story build up and action would work, especially if important characters are the ones trying to take the MC down
You made an interesting point about dictating the MC’s reactions and personality for the player, well do you want the story to have a linear emotional and plot heavy story? that means the player should also have depth or do you prefer a non linear game type of story where the MC is a blank slate?
The latter feels like a game which some people like but not me, the former tends to be praised and remembered more.
If you ask me, the MC and other characters should be 3 dimensional, then dialogue choices can shape the MC’s personality. It should be something like Author 80% and Player 20%
For eg the MC in your wip right now is escaping and traumatized, expand on that and add depth, then add contrasting choices that will shape how the plot goes or how the others would view them, it could just be flavor text or a story difference.
Choices for the player could be Sarcasm and Laid Back or Serious and Aggressive, emotional and open (lets everything out) or stoic and closed (suppressing trauma and fears)
Some stories do this in either a way that our choices can change the plot and feelings of the characters but still keep the base personality and thoughts, this is harder to code yes but is a sign of high quality work, others are more basic and the choices are just flavor text which doenst sway the plot.
That being said I hope to see more soon 
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Yeah, for the story type, I’m thinking it’s mainly superpower-related.
I’d say part of the main theme came from a lyric: “What does it mean to be ‘normal’ or ‘ordinary’?”, I’m not sure yet how much that’ll show up in the story, but it’s definitely in the back of my mind. What i can make sure is that revenge will play a role too.
I’m not entirely sure about my writing style yet—probably just “normal,” maybe with a bit of humor if I can.
The story will be linear, but I want the player to have enough space to shape how the MC reacts to situations and other characters.
Thanks a lot for your advice! It’s really helpful for a beginner like me. =)
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Haha thats funny, a superhero story but you want it to be normal, thats a first lol. Humor is definitely good.
What particular inspiration do you have for your work? Other WIPs? (I can recommend some if you want) or anime? comics? tv shows? movies? games? books?
As the saying goes, you are the 5 closest people you hang around with, what is your top 5 story inspirations?
If you could summarize your story in one sentence of between 5-15 words what would it be? Thats something my literature professor told me when I was younger when I was told to write a short story (bruh 500 words handwritten aint short smh)
You’re the author aka the god of your chosen world, trust me, writing a “normal” or “ordinary” story can be pulled off but is going to be difficult unless you want a bland boring story.
It has to be unique like an exotic dish from Sicily or a street food from Bangkok, unless you want your story to be Mac n Cheese? haha. Im just curious, but in my opinion being normal and ordinary isn’t a good move, boring and generic are synonyms for normal haha
Unless you have a particular take on being normal? like wanting a normal life but forced to run or hunt or be a hero/villain? that could be something I suppose
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It’s a bit hard for me to point to specific inspirations. Honestly, I feel like everything I’ve experienced or read has influenced my work in some way.
That said, games like The Binding of Isaac, Slay the Spire, and Celeste have probably had some impact on my work.
If I had to summarize the story, I’d say it’s about MC who has lost a “normal” life and is trying to find meaning again—or at least learn how to live with it.
As for what “normal” means to me, it feels like something that’s both a very high bar to reach, and at the same time a kind of comfortable restriction. I don’t mean that as criticism of anyone, it’s just how I see it. In reality, I’m a pretty normal, boring person myself.
Of course, I also think “normal” means different things to different people.
I don’t plan to define whether the MC personally wants a “normal” life or not—that’s something I’d rather leave to the player. But in the story, other characters will have their own ideas of what normal means and how they feel about it. There will be character who desires a normal life.=)
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Hello…a little update here
I’ve reworked the intro a bit.
It now includes a small confrontation (not exactly a full fight, since the opponents are just normal people), along with some changes to the early setup.
I’ve also adjusted Irene’s characterization to feel more natural—closer to how siblings who are actually close might interact, with a bit of playful teasing here and there.
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Here’s what I’m currently planning for Chapter 1:
Spoiler alert
– A possible “date” with two ROs (or just a casual hangout if you’d rather keep things platonic). They haven’t shown up yet, but they will.
– An actual fight.
– More insight into why Glitch has a perfectly good reason to hate you (I’m joking, but she will have her reasons).
– Chances to get closer to other characters.
– Another meeting with Irene.
– Meet your parents…or not
I’m also thinking of increasing the number of ROs to four. And if there’s a non-RO character you really like later on, feel free to suggest them!
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Played your revised new start just now i like exspecially getting chances ce to make the Jessica lady pay just a little bit lol
As a suggestion would love to see the confrontation with police that lead to us being recruited by Jessica. Even knowing its the vehicle for the story would be interesting to expand how people might view us as a result and the like.
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