Journey to the throne(Wip) Updated 11 April

low-fantasy
gender-choice
#103

Yeah bro, about the Ros, Jeff is a Ro, then one male and female Ros will be introduced in female part in next update and in the male part one Ro may come in next update but I am not completely sure about it and one female Ro will be introduced in the capital. I am thinking about making Lady Amarda a Ro too, but I am still not completely sure about it.
Hey what do you think about it, you know making Lady Amarda a Ro.

@expectedoperator
Hey bro, thanks for the “I won’t miss you because I know I’ll see you again” option, it is great. I am going to add it and teasing one is great too.
and about the “I don’t mind bringing you the list.” sounds good. I don’t know if it just me but man it is also feeling like kind of you know mc is flirting with Lord Dorrick, you know like “No, Lord Dorrick I don’t mind bringing you the list.” and also if I put it there shall I directly go to the “Yes or No” thing or I shall make Lord Dorrick reply about it.

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#104

Will there be a female RO for males?

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#105

Yes there will be.
And all Ros will be introduced in both parts, it’s not like Jeff won’t come in the female part or The male and female that will come in female part will not be introduced in the male part.

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#106

Update Two or three new scenes in male part, so people who were looking forward to female part sorry and also people who were looking forward to male part I know its not much but three days ago the choicescript folder in my Lapy accidentally got deleted and almost whole chapter 1 was completed, one or two things in male part was remaining and two scene in female part.
So whatever I posted today is something that I have written in last two days and if any one reads it feel free to give your critics.

Next update I will try to upload in 8-10 days and will try to cover most of the male part from chapter 1

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#107

I’m not sure if this is part of the new update, but I really liked how the father brings the male MC a gift during our trip to the capital that changes depending on our hobby and that we can have an opinion about it. I also liked the fight scene with Jeff, although perhaps if the MC is skilled in fighting they should be able to notice something is wrong before we’re pushed from the horse.

Otherwise, I’d be careful about making sentences run on or simply go on for too long. I like all the detail (especially in the battle scene), but sometimes it’s easy to get lost as to where you are in the paragraphs, which in turn makes you miss that detail in the process. So in the paragraph that starts with

You glance at Jeff and the guards who are standing in the front line

for example, before I can really envision Jeff and the others ready to fight against the charging men (and perhaps preparing to charge to meet them or even step back), it’s already jumping to your father being calm and telling them to hold their ground without any pause in between.

Looking forward to the rest of chapter one. :relaxed:

1 Like

#108

For the most part this is pretty good considering its your first, but I do think there’s a lot of grammatical and general writing errors scattered about. If possible I’d suggest you get someone to help you in that regard.

Not sure how to explain it properly, English isn’t my first language so technical terms and things like that don’t really come natural to me, but for example, in the prologue imo you use “and” a lot more than necessary. But generally there are just instances where the writing doesn’t feel natural to me.

That being said, the plot and characters so far I like. I’ll look forward to updates :slight_smile:

1 Like

#109

@expectedoperator

Pleased you liked the gift part and about the Jeff kicks you scene I didn’t make mc notice something to create an element of surprise but you are right mc’s skill should have put an effect there and I will work on it and I will also try to make paragraph "You glance at Jeff and the guards who are standing in the front line " better.

Thank you for your review.

@Ringa_Dinga
Thanks for your review man and I accepts the mistakes that you have pointed out.

About the grammatical and writing errors right now that I know of are related to “the, commas, some spelling mistakes and use of prepositions” and if there are more other than these like tenses or anything else then please tell me about them and you do not have to point out each just give me one or two examples and for the rest I will search on my own.

:slightly_smiling_face: Using of “and”, yeah I used it at many, many places. It’s just kind of habit and will try to work on it and regarding the lines where writing does not feel right, here I know what you are talking about and there are many lines and scenes that require more furnishing and I promise I will make them better till the end

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#110

When i choose stand in frontline

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#111

fixed it and thanks for the reply

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#112

No problem also will the mc sibling be in the character menu

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#113

I hadn’t thought about it before but yes you are are right they should be.
Thank you for the thought man.

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#114

Hey! Good day to you.
I just found a propblem.

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#115

ok man fixed it and thanks for the reply.

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#116

I LOVE it. Very game of thrones ish which is very good :slight_smile:

1 Like