Icarus Sun (WIP - Update December 27, 2016)

To put it perfectly. Everything about merging into a larger identity to become greater than oneself is troubling. The death of ego is one thing, the death of my MC’s sense of self is too high a price to pay.

Actually I came here with the sole intention of pondering over Miss Julie. Of course I failed the puzzle the first time with my little daredevil. I also enjoyed the sweet bonding Nikolai’s worry provided with that scene.

So if Miss Julie isn’t following City Child, can she multilocate? If I recall correctly, no matter which wrong direction went she showed up. Plus, I am digging the hazy Keyser Söze vibe she gives off.

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To be honest, she was most likely following the City Child. She’s the kind of person who tries not to interefere but will when necessary, and so she’s always worried that it’s going to a ‘necessary’ time- for good reason though. So she probably saw the City Child wandering the street and got worried that they were lost or going to run into trouble, and started to follow them around, but she didn’t really expect them to crash into her.

And yeah, she does have kind of a weird vibe. But Julie’s the kind of person who just perpetuates that and knows she perpetuates it, so you can really see her using it to her advantage in future times.

A daredevil MC would probably give Nikolai a heart attack, I can see how his worry would really be constant with your independent MC and Nikolai. (And don’t worry, there’ll be more opportunities for bonding moments through near-death experiences. Because those are obviously the best kind of bonding moments.)

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Since you asked for opinions on characters…

My city MC has a deep sense of justice and believes stealing is wrong. She also cares more about the community than herself and that the City can fix her when she breaks. She has no strong affinity for mentor or City just because they are.

I have a strong distrust of Mentor. I know nothing about them. They are a theif. They taught me eveything I know, but didn’t teach me how to read which makes me think they wanted to keep MC dumb and always dependent on them.

Julie must be bad because she knows Mentor.

MC and City’s ideals align so we’re good. The City at least tries to maintain order and life, but obvious fails because my parts and everything in the city is always inadequate.

My uncle seems like a good guy.

Icarus is horible because he has tainted everyone’s view of wingless people. He destroyed MC’s dream of moving to the city to live a life with less prejudice. He hexed me when I told him not to and he is a criminal. He enhanced book MC’s self loathing because everyone already hated her for being a wingless freak and now with Icarus being bad and not having wings, maybe everyone was right and wingless people are bad. MC plans not to go to the old abandoned warehouse that Icarus told her to go to where her organs will probably be harvested and sold or other criminal behavior will take place. MC is telling the cab to take her straight to the safety of Uncle’s house when the next part of the book is read.

Book MC is opposite to city MC. Book MC is overly self conscious and self absorbed and a little jaded from being abused all her life for not having wings. But, both have a strong sense of justice even if book MC’s stems more from fear than from goodness.

Nikolai is weak and is a meanie. He yelled at MC for jumping down to help when City could just fix a broken MC. He then sent the uneducated MC on a difficult journey where a creepy person appeared.

MC never met Rosie, but is generally not fond of children.

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Ooh, I like the strong sense of justice both of your characters have, but for different reasons. I’m extremely curious to see your and your book MC’s reactions to Lorraine and Copper who also oppose to Icarus.

I love the update.Good Work.:grin:

I really like the City they are like an overprotective parent or guardian to me on negative i guess they are like prison,cage or the Labyrinth ah…:grinning: but,i still like them with their rule and restriction and hey they are our MC savior anyway or are they?

Now,about the City Watcher’s i think they are creepy in a good sense because they serve the City so you know they will never do anything to you…giving security etc…etc…
But being a City Watcher’s feels like a punishment to me…

But,still I LOVE THE CITY!!:laughing:

And now about the New character i really like Nikolai’s personality He likes a protective big brother and i like the pet name Rosie gave for him. :smile:

I met Miss Julie the first time :sweat_smile: i like her too…but is she just a kind poor lady or the MC mother,i get the feeling she is the city MC mother.Talking about her remind me about the Mentor i trust them but suspicious about their odd behaviour regarding the book i suspect they are the book MC or Icarus,and finally Rosie she is cute i guess she’s like a little sister with great imagination :slight_smile: and strong…:sweat_smile:

Oh,and i like that you include the city MC metal limb on some scene…good job :wink:

Oh and i also found this…

You have to to an awkward side-step to avoid another blast of steam that grazes uncomfortably against the side of your face. i guess it’s should be
You have to do an awkward side-step

and…

The small girl seems to pick up boxes twice her height with ease, most likely due to the mass amounts of metal encompassing her body.
Did you mean twice her weight not her height?

All in all,it was a good read and i enjoyed it especially with Nikolai.Good Job :smile:

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Huh, that’s a cool view. I can see how The City could fit into the ideals of an “overprotective parent”.

I mean you’re not forced into being a City Watcher at least. If you’re offered the chance you can refuse it… but that’s pretty looked down upon since it’s about as close as you can get to defying The City while still having it be legal.

Metal bodies! They do wonders for the muscles.

Ahh, right, thank you for pointing those out!

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Oh. My. City… I am having serious issues with not being able to find out what’s next! This, especially as your first try, is absolutely amazing. Your writing skills are fabulous. I hope your coding skills (I see a lot of folks helping each other in various firums with coding) keep improving because you’ve now created a world (or two) that we now DESPERATELY want to explore! I cannot wait!! Pretty much anything else I wanted to say or point out has already been said and done- but GREAT STORY!!

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This is so perfect.

Thank you so much! I mean I hope they improve too because I’m winging it and so far the winds have been favorable but whenever I run into those little coding errors I have no idea what to do so I usually end up messing with it until somehow it works and I can breathe again.

The forums are so helpful I’ve spent 90% of my writing time just reading guides and looking at what other people did wrong and the solutions to that to learn how to work this and its great. (Things are actually starting to make sense now. Learning to fly, slowly.)

Anyway, thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoy it so far!

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Small question regarding updates because I’m not sure what’s the right way to go about this and would enjoy the input of others:

So, while writing the next piece of the book-chapter, I realized I had no idea if people would prefer updates that centered around each completed section (i.e. a section of the book as one update, ending when you transfer back into city-MC’s skin, and then the next update being till the end of that section, and you transfer back into book-MC’s skin, ad infinitum- or rather not infinitum since this is not the Neverending Story) or if you’d prefer that each update end on… a good ending point?

Since that’s a horrible explanation:

A good ending point being not necessarily the end of that section (as a few sections will be interrupted for reasons pertaining to the other world- be that city or book), but rather points within the story that I believe to be solid ending points for that update (most likely cliffhangers because who doesn’t love endless amounts of sheer fingernail-dangling, cliff-hanging drama?)

There is, of course, the opinion that the actual ending point of the content of an update doesn’t matter and that it simply matters that there actually is an update at some point in the future. Which is a valid point as well.

Either way, I’d enjoy second, third, fourth, and so on opinions on this matter if you so wish. Thank you!

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The way I personally update my WIP is whenever I get a large section of coding done–whether that adds a lot to gameplay or just spruces up the options so they (EDIT: ) STOP breaking just depends.

Even if your updates only contain 300 words, people will still read them and give you advice. In my opinion, the most important thing is having a solid baseline of code so that you’re not repeatedly making the same mistakes over and over again.

That all being said, update however you want! Most people prefer full chapter updates – BUT they also want updates often. You need to balance the regularity with the size.

So I’d say your best balance is when each “section” of a chapter is done. Finish book, update; finish City, update; and so on.

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I’d say that I, personally, am a fan of ending on “natural” stopping points in the story. Cliffhangers are like torturous oxygen to me. Or… wait, that doesn’t work, does it? Whatever, cliffhangers and the like hurt so good.

ALSO!
I have more than excited T-Rex noises this time around. I’ve added a pterodactyl screech to my repertoire of giddiness…as well as actual words.

Like I said before, I really like this WIP. I really dig the contrast (and similarities~) between the two MCs - the metal limbed/bodied City Child underground and an integral (if,I imagine, more or less “invisible” or background noise-ish to the populace not made of metal) part of the workings of The City, the wingless newcomer to Alatum who can’t help but be obvious (and scorned) because of their winglessness. Heh, the City Child can look down on other people, but Captain Wingless is forced to ever be looking forlornly up at the sky.

…does that make sense? Am I repeating stuff someone else has already said? Bleh, that tends to happen with me, sorry if this is the case…

Er…anyway.
Not sure how I feel about The City. Omnipresent & omniscient-seeming inanimate entities always have some weirdness on their agenda, or they tend to do things for the ~well-being~ of their charges that may actually cause more harm than good in the long run. As for the Watchers… I mean, it’s on the level-ish if people get to choose, but it’s kind of a no choice “choice,” innit? Give yourself up completely or “screw you, buddy” and everyone’s hating on you?

I’m not misremembering, am I? If you become a Watcher, you essentially join the Borg Collective become another arm of The City? I’m not a fan of choices that leave the meat but boot the soul, even if it is for the greater good and all that. I also wanted to say something about maintaining individuality and free will, but I’ve got nothing specific.

And why does The City need humans to serve as eyes and ears - can it not make its own robots to serve that function? Why is The City even looking out for these people? I’ve made up my mind, The City is suspicious as frick. I’m keeping my eye on it… Even when it moves. Take that, Watchers.

Also, how do people with completely metal torsos breathe/speak/eat?

…heh. Sorry about the sudden appearance of wild questions. I’m looking forward to see where this story goes.

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Hark! A series of wild questions appeared! Apparently they speak the language of the ancients (such is to say - dinosaurs, and I applaud your range. Pterodactyl is hard to pull off nowadays, especially if you’re anything below soprano).

Also never be sorry about questions, questions are beautiful mythical creatures and I love them, so don’t worry about it!

I’m the exact same way. I love-hate cliffhangers. They’re amazing and beautiful and make me all giddy and excited to see what comes next but at the same time you’re left not knowing what comes next and- ugh. I could ramble on about cliffhangers but I should probably do what I’m supposed to and actually answer your questions, shouldn’t I? (Also not quote things out-of-order for once…)

The day after you reject being a Watcher you may or may not suspiciously end up in the most dangerous job there is. (I mean someone has to do the job, right? The fact that it’s you is only a coincidence.)

No, you’re not misremembering. Once you become a Watcher you lose all sense of self-being and officially become one with the City. The only remaining real piece of “you” is the tone of your voice, which The City now uses as its own voice. (Of course nobody knows where the consciousness of the original Watcher goes, or if its just completely eradicated, because for that you’d have to ask a Watcher but the Watcher themself is, for all intents and purposes, a martyr and thusly dead. I mean they’re not even referred by their old names.)

That I can actually answer without spoilers! (The other one… eh not so much. At least not until I can come up with a suitably vague answer that creates more questions than it answers.)

The main reason (at least if you were to ask the City) that robots don’t exist is that it’s saving its parts for any City Child who needs them. And, yes, a child could be rejected and left to die if The City is running tight on spare metal. Everything is precious in the Underground since there aren’t many natural resources. (Save for cave mushrooms, plenty of those growing wild. Just be careful about which you eat. I’m guessing someone’s eaten the wrong one and wandered into a ravine and died at least once.)

Already making friends with the Watchers, aren’t ya?

Just remember that there’s a reason their called Watchers. So best be careful. (Cue the dramatic violin trills.)

So torso’s are one of the more tricky metal limbs. You know life-support? They’re basically portable life-support. Thing is someone who’s entirely metal couldn’t live, they’d be a robot and biologically dead at that point. The way a torso works is that it replaces all that needs to be replaced with metal counterparts, and any organs that can be functional, even if its only barely functional, it’ll keep, just… help them work with technological assistance.

Lots of people with metal torso’s die early, because medical tech isn’t exactly the best there is. So their lifespan is shorter than someone with a simple metal arm or leg- even someone with a half-metal face has a longer life expectancy than someone with a metal torso.

Again, though, that depends on the severity of the person’s case.

So take Rosie, she’s an extremely severe case, and kind of an oddity in that. Rosie, at best, will live to her late-twenties, early-thirties. Be it because of rust, or because the replacements as her body is supposed to grow won’t ever fit exactly right (torsos have to be replaced often in children, because if one is too small it could crush their growing bodies from the inside), or even just because the torso, like life-support, can fail at any time, she won’t live for very long at all. (Again, though, Rosie is an extreme case.)

Now, could this be improved? Yes. Continuing the life-support analogy, it’s a lot like life-support, which has improved a lot over the years. The more The City developed the more it learns on how to care for its Children, and like all societies its technology is constantly advancing, and The City is innovating itself. Perhaps one day someone with a metal torso will live no longer or shorter than a City Child with a metal arm. But who knows?

Did I mention I love this nickname?

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So… I’ll have to wait until next week’s episode to hear more about your feelings on cliffhangers? GAH, I don’t think I can take the waiting…
winky face

I’m curious to learn why the City even started with making Children in the first place…

Ehh… For every mushroom-related ravine death, I bet there’re…like… at least a dozen awesome trips that end up with the person not dying and thinking they’re living in a yellow submarine or something. Maaaybe some Woodstock-style groovin’/free lovin’. I will take that risk.

Oh, man… Could The City merely suppress the original consciousness, leaving the person aware of everything that goes on without being able to take any action of their own accord…? Or something. But that’d be pretty… depressing, honestly.

What can I say? I make friends everywhere I go~

… I was about to ask about Watching folks in the shower, but the dramatic violins made me think of the shower scene from Psycho and… does The City ever straight up murder people if they don’t comply? Skip the whole song and dance of “go do ultra dangerous job, fall off pipe and crush skull” and just stab someone in the streets because they’re being made an example or something?

…that is soul crushingly depressing.

Poor Rosie, man…

This does make me glad that I tend to choose a metal arm, though.

I was gonna go with something like Lord/Lady Wingless von Bartlesby, but… it didn’t seem casual enough.

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would you say it’s a…
*fake_choice

i’msorryijustmadeacodingpun

But yay, Rena gives us some answers!

but more questions.

ah, the life of a talented person sighs wistfully

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What happens next? Will Rena divulge her secret feelings on cliffhangers? Or will we be left hanging on her last word? Find out next week on… The Forum!

That has to do with the City’s original function…

“Hey buddy, how’d you end up in the pipe?”
“Pipe? Nah, ole… buddy o’ mine… Thi- This 'ere is… uh sub-ma-ri-ne!”
“What in the City’s gears is a submarine?”
“Y’know… iz yella.”
“Yella?”
“Yeh, iz yella.”
“… You didn’t eat another cave mushroom did you?”
“You bet’cha knickers!”
“… Hey,”
“Yess’m?”
“Go home.”

This is especially ironic consider The City is kinda a parental figure.

And I mean The City Watchers are basically dressed up as The City (metal and all)…

Most likely no. If The City were to ever up and murder someone they wouldn’t make an example of them. The City is revered as a benevolent ruler who loves its citizens, and even takes some in as its Children. To ruin that image would be catastrophic to say the least, and The City is smarter than that.

I’m… I’m not sure if that was meant to be a pun but I took it as a pun and now I’m laughing and feeling guilty because I’m essentially laughing at dying children.

Ah yes! The metal arm! Now I can divulge all the kickbacks that having a metal arm could cause… (although admittedly it’s probably the most benign of all the limbs. Torso being the least, then face, then leg, and finally arm.)

This is amazing, thank you so much for doing this.

I applaud your quick wit and skill.

'Tis my forte.

Ha! More like person who has no idea what they’re doing and too much time on their hands. Thank you, though!

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“A boy’s best friend is his City.”

t’was most assuredly meant to be a pun. The fact that it seems to have landed, though, that’s more in the realm of accidental.

I’m actually quite interested in the drawbacks of all the limbs, tbh.

Also, the rotting of the City limbs, if I may diverge ever so slightly because that sounds horrifically interesting. How often does it occur? Is it something that happens only when the City turns its ‘back’ on you for whatever reason? Does the City revoke its gift of life on the regular-ish?

Do people leave the City very often? Not often enough for there to be whispers of mass exoduses or anything, but… often enough?

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I chose the metal arm because I felt like being either Edward Elric or Bucky.

Not even going to try to pretend I didn’t.

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I chose. Metal arm as well because I felt like that it was the best option for me since I am constantly getting dead arm from writhing too much, and admitedly because I’m still hooked and Captain America Civil war so I chose it to be like Bucky.

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Well, rotting is the most obvious that applies to any and all limbs, but some rot more frequently than others, and the rust of the limb can also vary depending on your job. So take Nikolai, he’s got his metal hand, yeah? Well, because he’s around steam-leaks so often that hand of his is a big inconvenience since the water from the leak rusts the hand pretty quickly. Now if someone were to have a metal hand and be working on the Farm just digging up potatoes and the like it wouldn’t matter much, since there wouldn’t be a lot of corrosive materials around to speed up the rusting process.

I’ve already covered pretty much all of the drawbacks on the torso.

Legs and Arms can stiffen up if not oiled frequently, which can be deadly if pipe-crawling. Imagine you’re trying to make that leap, and your leg stiffens up so instead of jumping you just fall like a rock into the depths of the wall? Not exactly my definition of a fun time. They also need to be replaced as often if not more often than the torso- of course with less deadly consequences if ignored but if you have the arm of a five-year-old on a fifteen-year-olds body then that’d probably irritate the skin. Also- skin is can be a big problem.

Nowadays when someone needs a prosthetic arm or leg they (most people) have a “sock” that they’ll put over what was left of the limb, and the limb itself was probably sewn up and treated before they even received a prosthetic to begin with. (All this is knowledge from research I did when writing a story that involved one of the main characters having a missing limb, so it could be horribly wrong and/or misinformed, but it’s what I found from my own research.) But, as said before, medical technology isn’t exactly modern, so there is no real “sock” save for some thin cloth or balled up cotton, and the skin is already irritated and probably didn’t heal 100% correctly. This can cause for irritation, bleeding, swelling- and, most dangerous, infections. People with metal arms or legs have to watch out for infections if the metal tears through the thin cloth and then cuts up their skin. Any tiny cut needs to be cleaned as soon as possible and then treated as best they can. (Did you know there was a poet who died when he pricked his thumb on a rose thorn, and the cut got infected? Ironically poetic, but also a reminder that even the tiniest cuts can be deadly.)

The Face’s main problems come from the eye and replacing it, and applying it in the first place. It has to be replaced ASAP like the torso, because otherwise you risk having it crush your skull. Applying it in the first place is near impossible, and half the time those that require facial prosthetics are on the verge of death (like the torso) to begin with. Also skin it’s not detachable like the arm or leg, the skin can grow over the face. That’s… not good. It hides any rust, speeds up rust, and is prone to infection. It’s like when you leave an earring in for too long, the skin grows over the earring and you have to cut it out of your ear, lots of blood and pain (an experience I know all too well…) The facial prosthetic owner has to be wary of this… but there’s really no way to prevent it? Other than scraping off your skin whenever it gets too close, that is.

The second major problem in the face is the eye, which is basically a glass eye… mostly just cosmetic, but as City technology gets better more and more goes into developing a way for the eye to actually see and be hooked up to the brain. Right now, someone with a facial prosthetic might be able to see vaguely fuzzy, nearly colorless forms with their prosthetic eye (assuming vision in the other eye is fine, then they’d still be able to see out of their other eye normally). But having poor sight is bad in such working conditions, it makes it hard to move and do certain tasks, especially those that require precision, like repairing the smallest gears.

As stated above it depends on what you’re working in and the quality of your limb. Some people go several years without ever worrying about their limb rotting because their job doesn’t really put them in any danger. Some people with arms or legs see their hand or foot rot and (assuming the rest of the leg/arm is also metal) don’t have to worry about it yet because it hasn’t even gone near their skin.

No, rotting is natural (all metal rusts, after all), and it’s part of the City’s job to replace a rusted limb. Nobody really knows what the City does with the ruined metal- but they assume it reuses it somehow.

No, and it’s never really “revoked” it (that anyone knows of). It’s… hard to get in the City’s bad side. You have to be actively trying to either ignore the City or going against its wishes (I mean look at the current playthrough, if you want the City to hate you, you really have to avoid it at all costs and be as rude as possible to it.)

[spoiler]Now, to say that it hasn’t “taken care of” those it identifies to be a threat to its Children, or even just itself… well, that would be false.

Also, why would The City give up the chance to have someone under its thumb, as its Child, if they so displeased it? It’d be much more helpful to make sure that they can never disobey the City again…[/spoiler]

Nobody has ever left the City that anyone knows of.

Where would they go?

If you’ve ever been in a cave without any light (I have, it’s creepy), it’s pitch black.
I mean Pitch. Black.
You can’t see what’s in front of you, you can’t see what’s beside you, you can’t even see your own hand if its in front of your face.
That’s what lies beyond the City, thats the Underground.

This is great reasoning. I had a feeling the arm would be the most popular!

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…is it bad the the only dealings I’ve had with the MCU are the first two Iron Man flicks and The Avengers? I’ve not yet met Bucky outside of Tumblr gifsets…

I chose the arm 'cause my main Shepard definitely lost his left arm to the ending dealings of Mass Effect 3 (and he is not dead) and, since then, it’s kind of been my… er… headcanon “go-to” limb to lose (yeesh, that sounds sort of extremely clueless of me, doesn’t it?) for protagonists in situations where losing a limb would be likely.

Ooh, this is… extremely friggin’ interesting, if possible nightmare fuel. 'specially the face and having to scrape skin off of it. I don’t know why I’m thinking of the Terminator, but I am. Or Harvey Dent from The Dark Knight.

I can’t recall if you’ve already said as much (it’s likely you have), but in terms of our world, in what era would you place (or approximate, I guess) the current state of medical tech for the City and its denizens? How rapid is advancement? The City gives the metal limbs to those Children given up to it, but is someone grown able to make that pact if the situation warrants? Would the City make Children of infants who are perfectly healthy but unwanted?

Ooh… I’m intrigued. Is there anywhere this story can be found online?

…that… actually sounds familiar. And the thing about tiny cuts being deadly is extremely zen-like and poetic itself.

Eh… maybe I’m much too suspicious of the City… and it’s actually more benevolent than/not quite as sneaky as I’m giving it credit for… Then again, those spoiler tags, tho. It’s probably just super comfortable in its position.

Another “likely has been mentioned already, I’m just spacey” thing (you can just go ahead and apply this to any question I ask, honestly)…

Is there anything in that darkness? There’re rocks and ravines and stuff, I’m sure, but anything living that isn’t a mushroom?

Also, what would you say is the ratio of Children to… not Children in the City?

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