Hueyyad (A WIP PMC/Soldier sim)

Alright, i did work that night. There’s a new scene, police station scene If you choose to go there with Syu If there’s something wrong with the plot (plot holes) please inform me. Thanks :slight_smile:

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I drew one of the characters. It’s not A grade good, but i will try to improve the drawings. I never draw something on a phone. I hope you you like it :slight_smile:

Summary

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Looks really good. Just leaving my support for an interesting new project.

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Do you have a specific place you want people to leave minor spelling/gramatical mistakes or is it ok to leave them in the main thread?

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Thanks, just leave them here :slight_smile:

The first page:

The man sat alone inside a lounge room.The room…

  • You forgot a space after the first sentence.

The room has a sign with cigarette in it, and an air duct on the ceiling

  • The serial comma here is strange. Not sure if its just me though. Also ‘with a cigarette’

relaxing sensation it gaves.

  • gave instead of gaves

constantly clear up

  • Cleared instead of clear

When the cigarette nearly all burnt, he put out the cigarette and threw it to the bin

  • This is a strange sentence. Might want to rethink how you phrase it

The man reach inside his…

  • Reached instead of reach.

He plays with his card from boredness

  • out of boredness rather than from boredness

In the headline is written “World News”, and in the bottom is a phone number.

  • This is formulated strangely.

After name:

You have a decent live working…

  • Life instead of live

Until you saw the door opened

  • open, not opened.

…get lunch on the diner…

  • in, not on.

…still holding the door opened.

  • open rather than opened

…that spoke to you are is wearing…

  • the ‘are’ should be removed

…and white shirt.

  • should be ‘and a white shirt’

I’m going to stop here. A lot of these mistakes are minor and could be picked up by using a spell/grammar checker. Some sentences could use a bit of finagling but I am enjoying whats here. I highly suggest at least running your drafts through a spell check.

Got this bookmarked and I’m excited for any updates.

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Alright, thanks a lot. I really need this, Fox. Thanks again!

I hope by fixing this, people will play this story

Np man. Really cool concept you’ve got here. Can’t wait to see where you go with this. You will probably have to run the whole demo and any of your upcoming chapters through a grammar/spell checker to find any mistakes. They are kind of distracting.

Gl man.

Right, I’ll use grammar checker right away. Thanks :slight_smile:

Oh god, there’s so many, i just cleared only 1 scene from 15

I chose high intelligence but the guy still say that I’m stupid.

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Yeah, there are a lot. Luckily enough, this problem is both very easy to handle, and will immediately improve the story by quite a significant amount. It’ll also help you learn how to not make mistakes in the future.

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Great game, nice first impression for me

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How much is your intelligence? If it’s above 7 then you are smart

Thank you very much! Lately i’m not focusing on the writing, but by the story progress.

And also, i have been practicing drawing on a pad for the game. I can draw on paper, but drawing on pad is a different thing. I am actually a caveman in this experience.
But… two dayss of drawing already brings benefits. Now i can sketch more easier.

And again, thanks a lot! :slight_smile:

Many thanks

I choose above 7 but the guy still told me I was non intelligent. And with low strength Stat he said I was strong, he only got right about the stealth.

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image
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That’s Ardan reaction, and nothing is wrong (except the grammar)

Fair enough man. It’s your story. Nice art.