I agree with @Sleepyowl for the most part. [quote=“bianca_065, post:38, topic:23382”]
3. Similar to the second question: how’s the dialogue? I’ve been told it’s good, and I’ve been told it’s robotic; what do you think? Does it sound like how real people talk?
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Your dialogue is o.k. The issue I see is you tell instead of show in your dialogue, for example telling me that the teacher is talking robotically instead of showing me by writing robotic dialogue…
I was going to point out some specifics bt your just beginning your story so I don’t want to make you all sad and stuff. Just read your draft with that in mind and I’m sure you’ll see where you can change things up to make your dialogue better.
I think this is really important. You’re just beginning, there’s no point in getting nitpicky at this stage, it’ll just discourage you.
It’s far better not to fix your dialogue at all. Just keep writing your story. It’ll improve on a second draft, but you want to get your entire first draft finished first.
Ah, thank you both! I won’t give up on my story at all - honestly, I enjoy writing way too much to do that.
I keep forgetting that this is just the start; the story will evolve and change with time, plus I’m sure my writing will get better with age.
Anyways, I appreciate the advice.
Here it should be “has”
I apologize for the enormity of the post but screen shots worked better for me. Rather than trying to remember each instance. Since my memory kinda sucks at times.
Keep up the good work
I feel silly for only just noticing this, if it happened at all, but did you change grades from a percentage bar to a numerical value? I just have the vague feeling it used to be different. But as for some more feedback, I do like how grades and intelligence are kept as separate stats, as it really fits with the high school theme. You can be brilliant without particularly caring about class which I know is true for a lot of people, and I think it works better than automatically making intelligence equate to grades.
I checked out Ren’s lunch section today and really enjoyed it as well. Parental pressure is a staple in these sorts of stories and I think you handled it well. Ren wasn’t overly angsty, and genuinely regretted antagonising his father, which was a nice twist.
Just wanted to add, sorry you’re not receiving as much feedback as you want, I know that can be hard. So I just thought I’d mention, I enjoy this, and I’m sure a lot of other people do without saying. Thanks again for your work.
@Dark_Lord_Vul Thanks! I’ll be sure to fix those when I update again.
Yep. Just thought it fit better, although now the grades can be negative (if you don’t study at all), which feels weird, so I’ll probably change that soon again.
I agree completely! I know plenty of students who are smart, but just can’t bother with school.
Aw, thank you! Ren cares about his dad just as much as he cares about himself and his future, so he’s definitely feeling a bit confused and even selfish right now.
It’s fine! I’m happy with the feedback I’m receiving right now, even if it’s not huge - but it’s honest, and you’ve been so nice, I seriously appreciate it.
Plus, I’ll admit I think it’s karma for all the time I spent reading a bunch of stories and never commenting anything hahah
I’m playing through the latest demo now, still really love it! Going through the flashback, and when you meet Cecelia one of the dialogue options is to ask “how long have you studied here.” Since the MC was supposed to have moved there when they were 10, I’m not sure that line suits the age range. Maybe change it with “where are you from?” or “have you always gone here?”?
There’s also the bit when you’re back in the MC’s room, talking about the last time you saw Cecelia. It refers to Emilia’s “uncle and aunt” being away all weekend, and that being a reason for the characters staying with her. Are her aunt and uncle her guardians, or do they just live with her and her parents? I’m sure that’s something that could be explained later on, but I think you might want to include it before it comes up. It isn’t something that needs a ton of explanation, but just a snippet somewhere to make the context clear, and then you could elaborate on it later when there’s a more natural place to insert Emilia’s family history.
Yeah, you’re right about both things! I’ll also fix those soon enough.
Also, to answer your question: yeah, they’re her legal guardians. I’ll add something in the beginning to make it more obvious to the player that that’s the case, although the reason why will probably only be shown if you romance her.
Well, so far you’ve got Silvio, Ren and Emilia as possible ROs, for all genders. Originally, I was going to make them have different sexualities, but I decided against it since I thought it would be fairer to the player if they were all available (plus, less work hahah).
I want to add in more ROs, but I really want the friendship aspect to gradually turn to romance (if that makes sense?). For example, in Psy High, the romances are very quick and you don’t get that many scenes with your RO(s); I’d like for Gray Valley to be the contrary, so, right now, it’s only those three, because, otherwise, it’d be more writing and coding that I sadly don’t have the time for (at least at the moment).
Also, Psy High is one of my faves Choice of Games, I’m not dissing it or anything lmao I just wished the romance aspect was deeper.
Awesome, good to hear it! (Especially since I’m playing a female character and wanting to romance Emilia.)
Yeah, I get that about Psy High–it was actually the first CoG game I bought, and I still love it, but it definitely has it’s flaws. Not to derail this topic into talking about a different game, of course. Cool to hear you’re thinking about deep romances, since that’s often one of my favorite things about games!
Still, even with the letting friendship turn gradually into romance, don’t forget that other than Silvio, the characters have known each other for about six years already, which you might want to incorporate. Like, including whether the RO only recently began to have feelings or has had them for longer, and giving the MC options to have had feelings for a long time as opposed to them only starting to develop during the game, stuff like that.
Oh, yeah, I won’t forget! Some ROs will have feelings for a long time, while others will be more recent; it’ll depend.
Also, giving the MC options about how long they’ve had feelings about a certain character is a good idea, I actually hadn’t thought of that! Thanks.
I’ve got another question if it’s not too spoilery, I went through the sports lunch option and met Sasha and other cheerleaders but I wasn’t sure if they were important because they didn’t have relationship bars. Are any of them going to be added later? I was thinking befriending them might be important for finding out clues in regards to Cecelia’s disappearance, since she associated with them.
I had a theory that was how the options played out. Ren, Silvio and Emilia’s lunch options build their relationships, calling Cecelia’s house and meeting the cheerleaders would help your investigation and spending it alone would raise stats. I’m probably overthinking it.
On a side note, I don’t mind being alone at lunch affecting only your talkative stat but I did have a suggestion. Maybe choosing to spend your time alone can lead to another stat changing choice? Like other options like say, spending the break studying for grades increasing, spending time in the bathroom mirrors trying to look better to raise charm. Or a choice of books to read. Depressing books to raise cynic, uplifting to raise idealist. Just an idea, to make picking the alone option have a bigger effect on the story.
I’m not sure if the relationship bars for the cheerleaders will be added (probably they will), but I will say that you’re right; that scene on the bleachers was meant to affect some of the player’s stats and also some future decisions.
And that’s a great suggestion! I wanted to add more to the time alone scene, so I’ll definitely implement those options. Thank you.
Whooooo! I got a whole ‘Stepford Wives’ vibe from that rich people area, especially from Naomi! I… haven’t read the thread, but did anyone else get that? Gave me chills! Which is weird considering it’s only early autumn here in the merry ol’ land of Oz.
Sorry for popping in all the time randomly, but did remember something else I wanted to mention. The choice where you choose how to reply to Emilia when she asks why you’re late, I had some thoughts on that. If you choose the option ‘I’m trying to pay attention to class’ your grades stat goes up. I always thought ignoring her would have the same effect but it doesn’t. So maybe that choice should be ‘ignore her and daydream’ instead? To make it clear that ignoring her isn’t the same as paying attention? Just something I was thinking, sorry I didn’t remember until now.
Just replaying and spotted a typo in the character creation section:
And your eyes, while stil…
Should be “still”.
You look over to the empty desk right next to you, and your brain decides it’s an appropriate time to remember your very first day at Gray Valley High, just six years ago.
I’m not an expert in American high schools, but don’t they generally start at about fourteen? Would this have been an elementary or middle school, instead?
You smile back at her. “Nice to meet you too. How long have you studied here?”
You smile back at her. “Nice to meet you too”.
“Okay, and why should I care?” If she thinks you want to befriend her, she’s wrong.
I see we have two “nice” choices and one “unfriendly” choice. Would it be possible to have a shy (but not unfriendly) choice, too? (Or is the second choice the more shy one?)
Journalism, with Silvio and Ren
Astronomy, with Emilia
Argh! Why must I choose between the cute boys and the in-character subject!? Actually, are these subjects really in-character for the NPCs?
Okay, so I didn’t need to choose after all, but:
apparently, Mr. Andrews (the Astronomy teacher) had to skip work today, making everyone’s last class Journalism.
@Sleepyowl Yeah, that makes more sense. I’ll change that.
I actually didn’t think of this while writing - truth be told, I’m not an expert in american high schools either, so I wrote it with how it works where I live in mind. Anyway, I’ll switch that to Gray Valley Elementary School; honestly, I don’t think it’ll change the story that much, since Gray Valley is such a small town everyone just goes to the same schools.
The second one’s the shy one! Perhabs I should make it more obvious?
They are! And that choice will matter afterwards, but that Journalism class (and Mr. Andrews’ skipping work) is plot-relevant, which is why the player has to do it. Also, no cover teachers because it was too out of the blue for the school to get a subtitute for Mr. Andrews.
