I actually think they might tolerate the weird mix for magic words… but like I said on the Monsters thread, they’ll kill your ?!s, so might as well find a way to convey the tone without them. I like the world so far, but agree that to be COG-shaped you’ll need a lot more choices and way fewer stretches with nothing but Next buttons.
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Mixed with the shadowy olive tone of your skin and symbiotic black bio-reactive robes with interlaced red runic trim you wear, the whole look comes together in a fascinatingly confident, coiled allure, predatory and alert.
Light: 45% Shadow: 55%
Strength: 35% Agility: 65%
Power: 65% Freedom: 35%
I’m like… Nico Di’Angelo except possibly straight. Those last two in the description was just… Wonderful. Already got the I am sooo not a good person vibes from those.
That did not make her my enemy, just annoyed me ceaselessly. With a deep breath, and feeling calmer than I had a few minutes ago, I walked over and offered my hand to her.
Oh look at that pretty sure i’m a massive asshole… Maybe because I went the pragmatic route with what I think of the Kine (Gave me VtR memories with that). Also pretty sure i’m addicted to whats inside that vial.
or not! Guess i’m just freaking crazy… Awesome. Poor Urael, so blind to the truth… Whatever the hell the truth is, all this random words and just nodding along.
Holy fuck we are old… I like that Urael is older than me, i’m totally going to try & romance her… THE FACT THAT I’M FOLLOWING HER IS ONLY BECAUSE I TRUST HER, I SURE AS HELL DON’T TRUST THE DUDE WHO ATTACKED ME… Suspicious as hell.
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@Shawn_Patrick_Reed Okay, I think my thoughts have been sufficiently gathered.
It was different from what I was expecting-definitely written much differently than the way Monsters is. It just seemed much more linear.
I’m definitely interested in the story and what will happen next as it unfolds. I mean, I have so many questions that I must get answers to! 
Though, since it is much more novel-like, without all the interactive conversations and character nuances that makes me obsess over Monsters and Guenevere, I can’t say I feel any burning urge to replay a bazillion and one times. It’s much more like a book I enjoy-I’ll read it once, then a couple of months later when I’ve forgotten most of it I’ll read it again.
Though of course it can’t have all that stuff AND be finished in a year…
Still, a few more choices to involve the reader in the very beginning would be nice. That part really did feel like a (non-interactive) novel.
No offense or anything. I did enjoy it-it was really interesting, and I’m totally excited to see the new content when it comes out. 
I’ve just probably been a little spoiled by Monsters and Guenevere.
Nice work with the spelling and grammar too-I think it has fewer mistakes than Monsters does after over a year of editing. 
Though, uh…those parentheses in the spells? If the CoG people are so strict that they won’t allow ?! (and those are totally necessary to convey emotion and tone of voice sometimes. Like, why wouldn’t they be allowed?! ) I’m not sure those will be allowed either.
Seems odd to kill interrobangs. They are not invalid punctuation. I wonder if any of the CoG staff would expand on their reasoning there?
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Note: This would be an editorial/copy editing question, which is not actually my field (i.e. editorial staff might have something else to say which is more pertinent), but IMO:
The two punctuation interrobang is technically wrong (you end a sentence with a single punctuation mark), and the combined interrobang is non-standard (so we can’t be certain it’s going to look right in every platform). In addition to that, both look confusing, muddy, and unprofessional to a lot of people (the two marks because it is technically wrong, the combined mark because it really is just kinda a mess of a mark with too much going on), so everything else aside, it’s just bad form in professional writing.
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Hmm, when I studied English at school I was taught there were exceptions to every rule. The interrobang is an example of such in my mind.
It is perfectly possible to ask an excited question, to angrily shout a question or to ask a surprised question. In all three situations, I would find an interrobang a perfectly valid alternative to say “asked excitedly/shouted angrily/asked with surprise”.
Would I use it all the time? No. It is, however, useful.
Edit: Fixed typo, altered sentence structure.
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I have some inqueries to make with regards to suggestions, please bear with as I ponder my way through my thoughts.
One thing of note- I am following the Writing Choice of Games games pdf. I’m doing so already, so telling me to follow CoG guidelines is not helpful to me if there are stylistic inconsistencies. I’ve had multiple suggestions to open up with action and a choice on the first page, and I have taken this to heart and will do so… but it does not specify in the CoG guidelines to do so. What is stated exactly is:
The Opening Scene
The opening scene of a Choice of Games game needs to contain:
An active and exciting first choice.
Choices in which the player sets their character’s gender, name, and basic stats
The very first choice should not be gender, name, or appearance – we want something more active.
Some of these variables can be set in the second scene if that fits better, but try to get them in the first scene if possible.
Make sure that you include choices that allow the player to establish their character’s weaknesses as well as strengths: ie, include Establishing Choices that lower stats as well as raising them
By scene, I read ‘scene file’, which I further read as ‘chapter’. There’s no specification that a game should begin with action or have a choice right away… this is just precedent because many CoG games do. But, at the same time, I didn’t know of this being an early CoG precedent until I was told. When it comes to style, and the difference between the ‘feel’ of a CoG game and a HG, I’m going to need very specific information why the style feels off, if/when it does. It’s much harder to change one’s individual writing style than the nuts and bolts of game mechanics and format. Which I have done, in a manner that has an entirely different, entirely new feel to me in actually writing on the story.
I’ve recieved mixed suggestions at times on what CoG likes and doesn’t like. An example- that CoG appreciates things being clear, and that it would be better to italicize the memory flashbacks. And a no, that CoG doesn’t like italics, and I should refrain from using them. Another is that the first choice should be right away on the first page (with nothing officially written backing this, though I trust the advice)- and that it should be a fake choice. Should it change stats? Should it not?
Because of the way I have set up stats presently, with relatively few ability stats, choices are often presented in a manner that A) swings a stat one way, B) swings the stat the other way, or C) leaves the stat where it is. This also addresses the statement that a choice may not change a stat. Following up on that, I’m intending an arm and fingers structure for the game, with at minimum six different endings planned (and at most, ten). To give a visual representation for my planned end structure- take a sheet of paper. Draw a line through the middle and call it Power/Freedom. Above the line is more Power, below the line more Freedom. Now, draw a vertical line down the middle and call it Authority/Rebellion. With the right side being more Authority, and the left being More Freedom. Okay, now mark each corner endings 1, 2, 3, and 4. Then, draw a circle in the middle of the page where the lines meet and mark that 5 (a balance ending). And notate that there’s a sixth ‘bad’ ending (which would be on the back side for ten). That’s for six. To do ten, flip the page over. Draw the same four lines and circle in the middle, and call one side of the page something like ‘happy endings’ and the other side ‘bad endings’.
Please note the stats nomenclature isn’t set in stone. They’re representative of in-game concepts… I’d be happy to hear suggestions on terms that would be more suitable for the intended purpose.
Regarding double punctuation/interrobangs- there are two separate things to note on this. The first is how CoG itself views their use. If they desire a structure that does not have them, that is their perogative. It would be much the same as wanting questions to not be written with an inverted ? at the beginning from a native Spanish speaker, though it is perfectly valid punctuation linguistically. The double punctuation is perfectly valid punctuation for English, although the concept is relatively new and old fashioned writing structure doesn’t like it. However, it is widely accepted as valid punctuation to express certain intent, other than by some strict professionalists, which do need to appeal to traditionalists who view it as sloppy writing, as well as the progressives like myself who see it as a natural evolution in writing after the rise of the internet. That it can be misused by writers who understand its function weakly, can create a blanket policy regarding it. However, no native English speaker I know would not be able to express what is conveyed with a double punctuation of either !? or ?!, or be confused by it. Proper use includes dialogue expressed in a manner where the dialogue does not mean the same thing expressed with only one punctuation (either primary or secondary), and thoughts expressed in a manner similar to dialogue. It has no place in narrative or descriptive prose. It’s validity is, sadly, not the same as whether or not it is recognized by CoG proper. Requesting their removal as product-standard is CoG perogative, so if anyone catches them in Dominion, treat them as grammatical errors to point out. Thank you.
Another matter to inquire about- page structure. I’m curious what a good page density would be. I could create less ‘next’ buttons by lengthening some pages, for instance cutting three into two. The question is ‘when does it become too long’? Were I to lengthen pages, I believe I would instantly recieve complaints from mobile users. Whereas at present I am recieving some guff (well, initial feedback) of not enough choice to page break ratio. Could someone possibly give me a figure for the amount of choices generally presented in CoG games per 20k (or 30k) words? This would likely be the best indicator for me to wrap my head around. Alternately, I’d also be helped by a link to the script of a CoG game to read for myself the structure. Thank you.
I’ll address comments on the story itself (which seem to be largely positive! 
) soon. Just want to take care of general format first. And thank you for everyone assisting as best each are able, though the occasionally conflicting information has me uncertain on some matters.
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Most of the grammar “rules” that people get hung up on these days are contradictory. The various sources cited contradict each other and each source itself often breaks its own rules in explaining its rules. Unless you are targeting a specific formal document type you can essentially write as you speak.
Overly pedantic style guides should be taken with a generous amount of salt imo.
My “go to” video on the matter:
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This video is pure gold. Not literally. 
But pure gold nonetheless.
Yes, I think it’s highly relevant to a lot of people whatever they may be writing.
Even using *fake_choice the choice should have impact, so yes to stat changes even though it will not have any direct effect on the story.
I am all for interrobangs in moderation, and it is valid punctuation although slightly depreciated. Even their best selling author used a form of interrobangs in VS, =thought emphasis on vebage=, so I do not see why the need have dual standards no?
Changelog edits taking place:
Changing stats -
Impact:
Light/Shadow
Might/Finesse (taking the place of Strength/Agility)
Power/Training (swapping out Freedom)
Personality:
Serious/Frivolous
Aggressive/Defensive
Authority/Rebellion
Changing first page to action with a choice before page_breaking.
Page break transitions to and from memories will be marked for transition clarification.
Increasing choice density with personality affecting choices, and re-working some stat changes as they stand consequently.
Adding personal pronoun nonbinary options.
Removing any double punctuation I come across.
Again, I really do want to thank everyone who is helping. Especially as early as it is- I’m 
about getting my ducks in a row after learning there may be authors already published entering too.
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Given what I’ve seen so far, I’d say you’ve no need to panic
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I’m at the airport, so it’s hard for me to read this and write on my phone. But:
-Whether the first choice is on the first or second page doesn’t matter to me. I just don’t want it on the fifth, and the fourth is probably too long.
-I personally dislike using italics for emphasis. It’s somewhat snobbery on my part, but I strongly urge against it.
-I do prefer it when a game starts with action. Action is a great way to establish character in a way that doesn’t feel like a questionnaire.
-I want the the direct questions to be as few and as natural as possible. I don’t want to be in the middle of a gunfight, for example, and for you to ask me whether I prefer sleeping with men or women.
-but yes, I much prefer that the opening choice affect stats.
Does that help?
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Yes, that helps quite a lot.
Most of the edits are done, except adding more choices. The hardest of them, surprisingly, is removing some of the italicized words (to be fair, I’ve used quite a lot). At times, it’s not hard- little changes in context. At other times, the passage reads much differently, and I need to question how to recapture that meaning of certain words being specifically stressed. Perhaps at present I’ll reduce italics as much as possible until none remain that I can see a way around, and see if anything further needs be done from there. My tendency having been opposite of Jason’s preference in this, I need to strive for a compromise favorable to this preference. Which, I should add, probably does take out eighty or ninety percent of these without much trouble.
One thing I very much appreciate is the willingness to help me polish this up to make it a properly CoG worthy project. It’s my hope that those watching with interest will see pleasing developments as I take in knowledge of what to do and what not to do.
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Hey, considering I’ve not actually gotten around to the flavorful stuff, yet…
@gamerphan What ideas might those be, I wonder?
@DisturbedOne Thank you for this post. With the additional stats coming in, the way Tyrael’s description can read will change a bit, though it’s still possible to have it the same way.
Also to answer what seems to be an unasked question- I’m planning to run romance without set preferences. Those who are romantic options will be options no matter your gender and players will be able to choose whether to pursue the romance or swerve away from it. I want to avoid ‘Surprise! Romance!’ situations, while allowing players to choose individually who they have an interest in. Admittedly, though, I don’t have a lot of ROs planned for the game (and I have a feeling already that there will be cries from the rafters for more at some point).
Anyway- Tyrael can certainly be played as a bad person… but is complex. No matter whether playing a ‘good’ Tyrael or a ‘bad’ Tyrael, there’s some little bit of the other there. With more stats in the works the choice of what personality to give your personal Tyrael will have a bit more free reign. Regarding the random words, a lot of those I hope to explain as the story continues and with various memories. In some cases, explain really clearly- as Tyrael is so old, Tyrael was around when some of them evolved into what they are.
@buggygirl11 Compared to Monsters, it is much more linear. In writing on Dominion, the single factor that has slowed me down the most has been research. Everything from researching ancient history to linguistics to religion to friggin’ ocean-depth PSI and light-penetration. XD If not for these things, I think the writing would be occurring even faster. Though writing on Monsters feels less ‘sticky’- I sidetrack less easily, and find the words flow from me more easily, the same amount of writing on Dominion presents quite a bit more story than a similar amount of writing in Monsters.
I think of Dominion in a manner that in my mind reads more novel-like, too. Whereas with Monsters, everything is very nuanced and character-driven, Dominion is far more plot oriented and the characters are swirling around in the plot weaving in with it. Adding some personality stats should personalize it more, but not anywhere near the extent that Monsters goes to. And I have to chuckle, but I’m surprised at how many fewer spelling and grammar errors there are, too. Quicktest only turned up three errors in the entire thing when I first ran it- the style of my coding on this project is much, much more organized. At the same time, though, something about the messier script that Monsters has feels more organic- easier to add greater depth (by which I mean width) …that makes sense to me. chuckle This project is more mechanical: neater, trimmer, faster, but less given to variations of nuance. It’s a concept I’m having difficulty explaining. It’s something I feel when I write which has a poor translation in words. It’s like both have advantages over the other in certain ways. Anyway…
Words of power are going to stay as they are for now, though they’ll change if CoG clues me in they don’t want them as they are presently. In which case I have some other ideas how to set them up, but any are going to be a little weird looking. They’re meant to indicate words of magical intent, something felt as much as heard, like how someone can feel the bass from a subwoofer as much as hear it.
And at everyone~ hopefully the changes will move in the direction indicated people would like the story to move, by and large. Editing has always been a slower process for me than writing itself. In a way, I have a sort of distaste for it, in that I’d rather be pushing forward with story- but I realize the importance of editing before moving on, and I’m knocking it out first thing. Chances are when done with these edits I will post an updated version of chapter 1 right away for further feedback, as I’d like to get chapter 1 sorted before the end of the month.
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It will be italics or bold face. Italics has naturally evolved over the years, I see no reason to go against an accepted practice. Bold should be used sparingly to draw the eye to key details.
We all emphasise different words in a sentence on occasion and I don’t think there is any other way that indicates emphasis cleanly.
I’m admittedly surprised at this but we all have our opinion. I for one like italics! Like what Lord of LA said, it helps emphasize a word or in my case. Get a reader’s attention on a detail that I feel is important for them to know. Granted I use it for when I say something ironic or I guess sarcastic but that’s because I’m a dumbass.
@Shawn_Patrick_Reed
Ooo that’s actually pretty awesome. I tried to see what would happen if i chose the other questions at the start. “Who am I?” “Where am I?” “What should i do?”
I have to admit, out of those three i liked the “What Should I Do?” Better. I chose the Who am I option the first time and I feel like that’s where I got the most confused regarding the words. HOWEVER! I like that, it makes me focus and think. I look forward to the other chapter’s as well and I do love my complex characters. Especially a good character with a dash of ‘evil’ in them.
Well, not using italics vs using italics is balanced, more or less. On the side of not using them, things are more straightforward and obvious. On the side of using italics, nuances come forward that can’t be expressed otherwise, but the appearance isn’t as tidy. One of my personal favorite uses of an italicized word was in a subtitled version of the OAV Macross +, near the end. One of the words in the subtitle was italicized slightly, and when I noticed that on about the sixth viewing, I was floored. It gave more meaning to that scene, and I adored whoever did the subtitles for that little nuance. I think italics can be overused… and if I’m fair about it, I think Dominion has been somewhat overusing them. I think at times they add an additional layer of meaning that simply isn’t there without them, but likewise, there are many times when something can be expressed without italics and the only thing lost is a little shift in emphasis within a sentence.
I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. Each says the same thing, but in different ways. Taking out the italics, something is lost that differentiates each… but at the same time, each can be said without italics and still mean the same thing. It’s just a matter of nuance. Thing is, for non-native speakers, this could be confusing. Which is simply a guess on my part. I also like italics, but Jason has a wider marketability spread to think about- how google and Steam and people at large and in the professional marketplace consider italics, in addition to his own opinion. I’m not going to argue about minimizing them if that’s desired. I’d be upset if it were a HG project, but this is for CoG- I’m not upset. If anything, it’s more like being frustrated at myself for needing to change so many instances because I didn’t know earlier.
@DisturbedOne I’m glad this choice pleases you. It’s the largest branch -so far- in regard to choices and visible text, but I hope to have more in the future, and gathering memories will be an important part of the story. I intend to (hopefully) balance it where a player may not completely regain all their memories, or may fill up and be locked out of certain memories, but this is something I’ve yet to settle.
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