While I did enjoy your first draft of chapter one, this is definitely an improvement.
As for critiques: when the MC’s cousin comes to help, you start to use ‘us’ and ‘I’ a lot instead of ‘you’
As for pacing: you started off great and the transition and pacing ofthe flashback was good as well; but when you returned to the present you forgot to slow the pace down.
What I suggest to get a good feel of pacing is to play W.I.P.s such as Fallen Hero 2, The Wayhaven Chonicles book 2, and/or S.O.S.: The Mortal Coil.
Fallen Hero might have the closest resemblance to how you’re telling your story, So I might start there.
I hope this helps and I can’t wait to see where you take it
Thank you very much! and ahhh those three are actually big favorites of mine! Especially Wayhaven! (i totally haven’t done M and A’s routes over and over like 100 times already eheheh)
With the pacing problem at the end, I think I got too excited to get started on chapter 2 haha
I’ll be sure to fix that!
Not a lot to go on yet but I like what’s there so far and it seems the story has an interesting premise.
My one small critique is about the lack of content per page. Right now there’s only about 2-6 lines to read before clicking to the next page, making it seem like I’m clicking a lot and not really getting much story (if that makes sense?).
While this might only really be a problem if you’re viewing this on a screen larger than your average mobile phone, I just thought I would point it out because this is the first time I feel like there is too much blank space when playing one of these games using a pc monitor. This also might help to solve the rushed feeling of the content so far, if there is a bit more to read before needing to click to the next page.
I understand what you mean completely, that was something i was having trouble with and i’m working on stretching some parts out more.
I would like to mention that chapter 1 is intentionally pretty short and mm…subtle? i think is the right word I’m looking for, the other chapters will be twice as long and have much deeper character interactions\conversations and such c:
A bit early in the story, but I enjoyed what was there so far, and I like this premise a lot, so I’ll be sure to check back often!
I agree with others that the pacing is kinda on the fast side, it’s fine, for the most part but there’s a bit of a missed opportunity to really reel the player in and invest them in what’s going on.
I also noticed that the stat opposed to bashful is blank.
Will we be meeting our living brothers at all after we’re sacrificed? Or even seeing more of them in flashbacks?
Whoops I type a lot
Even though it’s implied that Macaria cares about her brothers quite a bit, the player doesn’t really see much of them, so when Macaria is almost brought to tears just thinking about them I didn’t really feel much of anything about it. I’d even argue that we dont know much about how Macaria feels beyond “strangely calm”. I feel there’s not much connection happening between Macaria and the player yet, regardless of how someone develops their MC’s, whether that’s a straightforward self insert or a distinctly different character.
As it is now it kinda falls into the same trap as fallout 4’s intro. It tells me some things and lays down a groundwork of “Hey, this character cares immensely about these other characters”, but it never really follows through on getting the player invested. Sure I’m going to have an unimaginable amount of fun scouring the wasteland, saving the Commonwealth, and blowing up super mutants but I, as a player, didn’t give two hoots about my character’s son because there was no real emotional investment beyond “Hey this sucks and your character is super upset so you should probably do something. Or don’t, here’s a quest to save a kid stuck in a fridge who you can defend with your life or sell into slavery, I guess.”
Macaria’s brothers feel similar. They arent really people I as the player care about and would willingly let someone sacrifice me for, even if my character might. As it is they come across as a plot device to kick off the story. And maybe they are! That’s fine. If we never see those characters again that is completely fine, but I think it could be better integrated into the story itself. Letting us pick a motive for why we’re doing this and how we feel about going through with this would be very helpful. It would definitely aid in immersion and it would help the player start in shaping their Macaria. Because maybe Macaria wouldn’t freak out but if that were me? I’d be throwing a fit, because afterlife or no, dying is not the most pleasant prospect. Especially when it’s only because some nut who says she can see the future handed out some arbitrary ultimatum and I got thrown under the bus 'cause boobs.
Thank you so much for all the feedback, i really appreciate all of it! o:
It’s difficult because I really wanted to stay true to the actual story of Macaria, just for chapter 1, but I understand about not feeling invested.
Hopefully, chapter 2 will help things make more sense as a whole…I hope ehehh…
Well after chapter 1 things skip 5 centuries so they’ve all been dead for quite some time, that’s all I’ll say about that. As for flashbacks, you will have quite a few with your brothers in them c:
Wait, what?..huh…that’s odd o,o it’s supposed to say “Flirtatious” but I have no idea why it’s not showing up…the coding is fine, it’s written exactly like the other stats as far as I can tell, but it’s not showing up in CSIDE either…
Something a bit in between, a lesser deity. You have no real power of your own, though because of all the prayers and gratitude you were given for your sacrifice you’re not just a simple spirit.
