Hannibal is, was, a sweet child, someone who only holds good will towards other, someone who never meant any harm he has done and is quick to apologize for every wrong, perceived or not. Someone who is afraid of getting hurt, but is more afraid of hurting others. Someone who, more than anything, wanted to have friends and build connection with others, this comes from an abandonment issues that stem from the absence of his mother and father for all of his life, and being forced to watch every day how everyone else at least have one of their parent picking them up from school. The existence of his aunt and uncle made the pain bearable to him and he can at least smile with all his heart.
The day uncle Henry left him was one of the hardest day in his life, he tried to be calm and rational about it because that’s how aunt Alice raised him to be, but deep down he was panicking, he just can’t understand why one of the most prominent figure in his life would leave him, was it because something he had said? Something he had done? Was he not good enough a boy anymore to warrant his uncle attention? Was it because he was useless? He’s not the strongest boy around nor is he the most charming, but he’s pretty sure he’s one of the smartest people at school, is that not enough? When uncle Henry promised that they would meet again he felt a glimmer of hope in his heart, maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t being abandoned after all! Too bad reality has other plan for him. He tried his best to hold into that sliver of hope, but each passing day prove to be harder than the last, until after a year without a single word from uncle Henry finally managed to tore that hope away from him. That day is the first time he tasted despair. Thankfully, his rational mind managed to help him by reminding him that there’s still aunt Alice and a myriad of other people that could still stay in his life. The scar never fades but his heart became stronger after that, swearing that never again will his friends and family abandon him, he strengthened the bonds between them, he became more self-sacrificing, he cherished every moment of interaction he had between them, in the hope that if they liked him as much as he liked them, then maybe they won’t leave him like uncle Henry! And it worked, he became one of the most popular guy in school thanks to his intellect and likeable personality. He lived in contentment, never once giving anyone a false smile because he’s at his happiest when he’s interacting with them.
The day his power awakened is one of the most confusing day in his life, on one hand he’s grateful that he has been given a means of protecting all he holds dear, but on the other hand, he never meant to hurt that person, yet his power hurted them anyway. After the discussion with aunt Alice, he’s filled with both determination and doubt. The determination to master this power so that he would never unintentionally hurt others anymore, and the doubt of why would aunt Alice hides those magical world from him, don’t she trust him? He never lied to her, so why would she mistrust him? The event from today would have been avoided if only she would train him how to control his power! But he dares not confront his aunt for he fears that it would strain their relationship with her, so he resolved to just master his power. The days spent alone in his room reading magical tome and doing mental training made him realize how much he longs for the presence of another, and how he loathe feeling alone. “Never again…”, he reminded himself, “not anymore.”. The prospect of being able to protect those he holds dear helps him bear the pain of loneliness, so he soldiers on.
The day he asked Aelin out is the most stressful day of his life, it has taken months to gather the courage necessary to do it, and he don’t think he would be able to bear the pain of rejection, but his rational mind gives him the reassurance he needed. “Calm down”, he whispered to himself, “I can do this! We’ve been close enough friend to make this not completely out of the blue, there’s also that plan I made to increase her likeliness to accept, besides, she herself seems to like me too, so everything is going to be alright, right? Right!”. Gathering his composure, he proceed to put his plan into motion. This plan of his is one created after much time spent reading romance novels, even though aunt Alice seems to think it is a waste of time and he should spend it more on reading scientific book, but he disagree, to him, social life is as important as his grades were. The plan went more or less smoothly, though most scenario don’t exactly play out as how it does in the novel, but it is fine as long they had fun and it helped set the mood. When the time of confession comes, he can feel his heart beating so fast that Aelin must have had heard it, the silence between his question and her answer seems to stretch into eternity. Once that eternity ended by her saying “yes” he was the happiest boy in the world, never before he has felt this kind of happiness, in his heart he swore that he will make this relationship work, it won’t be one of those relationship that started out with a blast and end with a whimper, no, he would definitely make Aelin his wife when the time comes, he would definitely builds a happy family with her by his side, he would definitely stay by her side, only death itself could tear them apart, and he would rather die first than to watch Aelin pass on before him.
The day the seeker came to him is the day his world shattered. What should have been a pleasant day spent with Aelin turned to be his own personal hell, he do not understand, what business could those people have with him or Aelin? As far as he know, Aelin is just a regular human girl, though very special to him, so that means they we’re stalking him, right? Not wanting to lie to Aelin, he showed her his magical power, thankfully she’s open minded and accepting enough to take the news. He took care not to hurt those seeker, wanting only to get both Aelin and himself to safety. Everything went well until that fateful encounter in the maze, planning to blast the dagger out of the seeker’s hand, he prepared to channel his magical power…until Aelin bit the seeker’s hand. He could not believe it, so shocked was he that when Aelin screamed for him to run away he instinctively does. When he returned to his sense, he felt sick toward himself, how hypocritical of him to abandon Aelin when he himself fears abandonment the most, how pathetic of him to not being able to do anything when the time to protect his loved ones comes, is this not why he spent all his time learning the art of magic? How useless, maybe if he spent more time furthering his pursue of magic he would be able to save her! Maybe if he spent more time strengthening his heart he won’t be left in shock! How weak of him, to not being able to fulfill his own promise. “Just like uncle Henry…”, he whispered to himself. He is useless, weak, he do not deserve happiness if he cannot protect it! Yes that must be it! He do not deserve to be happy if he cannot protect those that will make him happy, so he cutted his ties with everyone out of fear of what would happen to them, the only one left is aunt Alice. Aunt Alice must surely be strong enough to protect herself, right? Surely he can have enough happiness just with her, right? He tried to be happy with his situation, and it worked, even though the encounter with the seeker makes him paranoid and stressful.
The day aunt Alice disappeared is the day he lost all hope. He cannot fathom it, there’s no way the aunt Alice he know could be kidnapped or killed by those seeker, but that would mean she has abandoned him…but why? Why would she leave him? It must be because he did not lived up to her expectation, it must be because he’s useless and worthless, it must be because he has only been a burden to her all this time, it must be because she didn’t need him! That’s right! This happened because he is weak, useless, worthless, a burden to everyone, nobody needs him, they’re better off without him, they must’ve had a hard time because of his selfishness, they must’ve hated him! It’s not that he doesn’t deserve to be happy, it must be because he doesn’t deserve happiness itself! He never deserved happiness! What he does deserve is suffering! Yes, he deserve to suffer! He don’t want to suffer, but that’s what he deserved for being a pathetic human being. Such thought roam his mind as he roamed the earth. Never again would he make a relationship out of fear for their safety and of fear of getting hurt himself.
The day he met Saxon is the day that he learned that how afraid he is of dying. He may fear hurting others more than he fears getting hurt himself, but he fears dying as much as he fears getting abandoned. He don’t want to die…he don’t want to die…but this guy seems intent on killing him…that’s why he killed them the first chance he got. After the deed is done all he could do was try to stop himself from vomitting, he can’t believe he just killed a human being, he tried to justify it by telling himself that if he didn’t, that seeker would continue to try and kill him again anyway, but even that sounds hollow in his own ear.
The day he met Saint is the day he learned pure envy. Why is the world so unfair? He has no keepsake from his missing mother, yet Saint does? Why? Why does he have everything I wanted, but I don’t? What made him so special? What made him worthy of happiness? Needless to say, the fact that Saint has something from their mother further worsen his abandonment issues. Did she abandoned me because she wanted to spend more time with him? Why did he chose him over me? Did she not want me? Am I worthless since the start? Am I not supposed to be born? Why him but not me?! And with that, his self-worth plummets to the abyss. “I’m unwanted, aren’t I?”, he whispered to himself.
The day he learned of the prophecy is the day he learned to hope once again. Maybe he does worth something, maybe he can be useful too, maybe he is needed by someone! And maybe, just maybe, he deserve to be happy after all…but deep down he feared that hope, knowing full well how painful it is to have it taken away from you. For now, he just have to do his best.