Children of Iseir: The Flames of Rebellion


#1

I have been working on a new project titled Children of Iseir: The Flames of Rebellion, as I’m sure you could’ve guessed by the title of this thread. I am getting close to finishing the character start-up section and decided to post a very early release of what I have completed so far. You can find the game at:
http://lonewolfstudio.webs.com/

I invite everyone to check it out and tell me what you think. If you happen to find any typos (I’m sure there are still a few) or grammatical errors, please let me know. Also, if you have any suggestions or criticisms I highly encourage you to post those here as well. Please if you do have criticisms let me know what I could do to make your experience with the game more enjoyable. It doesn’t do me any good as the developer if someone says my game sucks but doesn’t tell me specifically why it sucked. If you think what I have so far is cool I’d love to hear why so that I can ensure I don’t change too much and make the game suck. Thanks guys!


#2

Goo-goo-ga-ga.

Sorry, couldn’t resist–certainly a different start to most! I like it.

Very few errors spotted, the most obvious being:

In the opening paragraph you mention lords’. That would of course be for multiple lords, but earlier it only mentioned a single lord so should this be lord’s instead?

“I like this not,” thinks Danric, “it is a bad omen.”

It’s very unusual form to “say” thoughts (except in cases where you can “say” your thoughts to another character telepathically, perhaps, i.e. still a conversation). Pity we can’t use italics–would’ve been ideal for this sort of thing. But without italics I’d suggest something like:

I like this not, thought Danric, knowing it’s a bad omen.

Some minor typos later, e.g. “carfully” and another with an ‘e’ missing in the middle. Can’t remember the exact word, began with for(e missing here)–

Overall I enjoyed it very much; it was well written and engaging. It certainly left me curious about what comes next.


#3

love it


#4

really nice! love it so far. (i get an error after choosing the third thing your good at. dont know if thats the end of the story or not)


#5

Thank you all for the comments. I appreciate you taking the time to check out my game and post here.

@Vendetta
I completely agree with you about the italics, I’ve made the adjustments you’ve suggested. Thank you, I’ll read through again to see if I can spot the other typos you mentioned.
@OMFGDIE
The first todo will be a bit of background. I did have something there but ended up changing it and have been occupied with the stat customization section. I intend to release the highest quality game that I possibly can, so yes it’ll take me awhile to complete but I plan on releasing updates on my site for testing and balancing purposes.

Thanks again keep an eye out for the next update, hopefully I’ll be through character set-up and into the beginning of the story.


#6

@Txu
Yep sorry I’m working on the next section now, thanks for the comments!


#7

This is really good can’t wait for more!


#8

i cant wait to see whats next


#9

i have a question when you are gonna make the storie do we play throught the characters childhood or do we skip that. I think it whould be interesting to play throught the childhood


#10

@alexxo97
You will play through the character’s childhood, in fact a substantial portion of this game will be your character’s formative childhood and adolescent years. The choices you make at this early stage in the game will have important and lasting consequences throughout the games (story) I have planned.


#11

ok thx for answering


#12

I’ve just played through your demo and it’s good so far. I particularly liked the name meanings, encouraging people to play with a name other than their own.

I’m curious though as to the need for so much detail about the character’s appearance. You don’t have to say here, but I found with ‘The Race’ that it was difficult to write in meaningful uses of the different hair and skin colours and both were only used a couple of times throughout.

The game has a lot of potential though and I like your writing style. Keep up the good work!


Favourite unpopular CoG?
#13

@andymwhy
Thank you for taking the time from your own projects to check out my game and for posting your comments. The amount of detail I give to the appearance of the player character was a decision I made initially to give the player added customization of their character. Personally I enjoy when I can customize may avatar down to the smallest detail. Then as I started to outline and form the direction of the project I realized that all those details can easily be used throughout the story as a source of conflict for the character. That and the selections you choose can be used to determine subsequent characters in the sequel. I better stop now, I’m starting to get ahead of myself. BTW I thoroughly enjoyed ‘The Race’, and am looking forward to your next project. Thanks again!


#14

Really enjoying this game so far, I especially like the detailed customization.
I’m really looking forward to what direction you’re going to go with the story. Please continue :slight_smile:


#15

I play your demo and I love the variety of your character customization. I can wait to see how the story unfolds.


#16

I enjoyed the demo so far. One thing you may need to look at is the part where you choose if you have markings on your body, as for my playthrough it says “he looks at your body” and all the choices say his birthmark/dimples/freckles?


#17

I think your story gave me a better sense of “being there” than any other hosted game so far. Good use of significant detail and “show, don’t tell.” And you suggested the setting and history without huge info dumps. This intro is intriguing, I’m eager to read more.

Starting the first paragraph “Ten minutes ago,” then rattling off a bunch of names in a run-on sentence is a poor way to start a story, though. Better to begin with Willen bursting in with his announcement, and skip the discussion (the info should be told later). Or begin at “The Blood Moon hangs low…”

I think a man summoned by his wife in labor would immediately look at and go to her when he entered, so it seems odd when “he” (though the narrator’s choice of detail and order) “describes” the midwife, son, and daughter (and their personalities) before even mentioning his wife is in the room. Makes more sense for him to rush to her, and the midwife and children interject themselves after. We don’t need told their personalities, because they will be evident soon enough, even by they way they talk to Danric and react to the childbirth in that first scene. We also don’t need told Willen is given to crying fits, it’s irrelevant and out-of-place.

The switch from third to second person is jarring:
Danric quickly opens the door to the main room. Willa is holding you in one hand and a razor sharp knife in the other.
This is the first time “you” are mentioned, but almost as an afterthought. The reader needs to be subtly primed for that switch, that “you” are coming, and then “you” are finally here. Similarly, after the switch to second person, it’s weird to call your parents by their first names all the time as though you were still in third person.

The detailed customization is interesting (and apparently popular), but perhaps shouldn’t be all in a lump. Maybe Munro could comment on your eye color, etc., to spread it out. It also seems weak to break up so many sentences the way you did during that section. But, I’ve never been a fan of CoG’s “And what color were your eyes, Gentle Reader?” style, so props for doing something different. I’m interested to see how that level of detail plays out later (as you described above). Oh, and you might limit readers to choosing three body markings max, it becomes comical when you choose all 12 or so.

At the risk of sounding crude, you might change Willen’s transliteration to “It’s tuh-tuh-time,” as he currently could be mistaken as summoning Danric to a much different place. You could add “he stammered” or “stuttered” after, so that it’s clear he’s having trouble speaking. Clarity is crucial in an opening.

If you’re an American, punctuation (almost) always goes inside the quotation marks, not after. Do not capitalize after a quote if it’s still the same sentence.
“…for Tryrem’s sake!” [e]xclaims Munro.

Ellipses always have three periods (you have several two-period ellipses).

When addressing someone, you need a comma before and/or after:
“Good day, Murno,” your father says.
“What are you saying, Keeper?”
“Danric, blah blah blah.”
“Hello, Danric, can you believe the weather we are getting?”

Interjections need commas:
“It’s unnatural[comma] I tell ya. Why, it’s the middle of Decem[comma] for Tryrem’s sake!” exclaims Munro.
“That’s just bad luck[comma] I say.”

Clauses that modify a sentence need commas:
Without the aid of Keeper’s brew[comma] Tedorimir must calm and focus himself to reach the trance state required to commune with the god[no apostrophe]s.

You have several sentences that grammatically are two sentences, but you’ve connected them with a comma.

Anyway, a proofreader will mark up stuff like this when you finish. It looks great otherwise, and I definitely want to hear the rest of this story.


#18

@Nocturnal_Stillness
Yep, thank you for pointing that out, I had the choices set up to basically swap the the pronouns then went back and changed the text without changing the choices. Thanks for catching that.
@HoraceTorys
Thank you for checking out my game and for your insightful comments. This is exactly the type of comments I was hoping to receive when I started this thread. I greatly appreciate that you’ve taken the time to write them. Thanks again.


#19

don’t mention it, the game is looking good :slight_smile:


#20

Wow! I really enjoyed playing the demo :slight_smile: I loved the character customization. Please do continue this.