I think your story gave me a better sense of “being there” than any other hosted game so far. Good use of significant detail and “show, don’t tell.” And you suggested the setting and history without huge info dumps. This intro is intriguing, I’m eager to read more.
Starting the first paragraph “Ten minutes ago,” then rattling off a bunch of names in a run-on sentence is a poor way to start a story, though. Better to begin with Willen bursting in with his announcement, and skip the discussion (the info should be told later). Or begin at “The Blood Moon hangs low…”
I think a man summoned by his wife in labor would immediately look at and go to her when he entered, so it seems odd when “he” (though the narrator’s choice of detail and order) “describes” the midwife, son, and daughter (and their personalities) before even mentioning his wife is in the room. Makes more sense for him to rush to her, and the midwife and children interject themselves after. We don’t need told their personalities, because they will be evident soon enough, even by they way they talk to Danric and react to the childbirth in that first scene. We also don’t need told Willen is given to crying fits, it’s irrelevant and out-of-place.
The switch from third to second person is jarring:
Danric quickly opens the door to the main room. Willa is holding you in one hand and a razor sharp knife in the other.
This is the first time “you” are mentioned, but almost as an afterthought. The reader needs to be subtly primed for that switch, that “you” are coming, and then “you” are finally here. Similarly, after the switch to second person, it’s weird to call your parents by their first names all the time as though you were still in third person.
The detailed customization is interesting (and apparently popular), but perhaps shouldn’t be all in a lump. Maybe Munro could comment on your eye color, etc., to spread it out. It also seems weak to break up so many sentences the way you did during that section. But, I’ve never been a fan of CoG’s “And what color were your eyes, Gentle Reader?” style, so props for doing something different. I’m interested to see how that level of detail plays out later (as you described above). Oh, and you might limit readers to choosing three body markings max, it becomes comical when you choose all 12 or so.
At the risk of sounding crude, you might change Willen’s transliteration to “It’s tuh-tuh-time,” as he currently could be mistaken as summoning Danric to a much different place. You could add “he stammered” or “stuttered” after, so that it’s clear he’s having trouble speaking. Clarity is crucial in an opening.
If you’re an American, punctuation (almost) always goes inside the quotation marks, not after. Do not capitalize after a quote if it’s still the same sentence.
“…for Tryrem’s sake!” [e]xclaims Munro.
Ellipses always have three periods (you have several two-period ellipses).
When addressing someone, you need a comma before and/or after:
“Good day, Murno,” your father says.
“What are you saying, Keeper?”
“Danric, blah blah blah.”
“Hello, Danric, can you believe the weather we are getting?”
Interjections need commas:
“It’s unnatural[comma] I tell ya. Why, it’s the middle of Decem[comma] for Tryrem’s sake!” exclaims Munro.
“That’s just bad luck[comma] I say.”
Clauses that modify a sentence need commas:
Without the aid of Keeper’s brew[comma] Tedorimir must calm and focus himself to reach the trance state required to commune with the god[no apostrophe]s.
You have several sentences that grammatically are two sentences, but you’ve connected them with a comma.
Anyway, a proofreader will mark up stuff like this when you finish. It looks great otherwise, and I definitely want to hear the rest of this story.
