Children of Iseir Book One: Born under a Blood Moon (WIP) [Update 5/27/24 102K words]

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While, I should probably make outcomes of choices a bit less subtle, when they will influence future storylines, I love the idea that even the most seemingly inconsequential choices can have greater ramifications down the road. I also like making choices, real choices, meaning often some tradeoffs needed. Like, maybe a hit to stats, relationships, or storyline now for greater rewards later, or vice versa. When asking how readers felt about better understanding the immediate outcomes of choices, like breaking some immersion in the wording of the choices to show how stats and relationships might change, I guess I’m unsure how people feel about that.

I hope that all makes sense, I’m writing on my phone and seem to always jumble my words and thoughts when doing so.

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Going back, I see now the mentions of how important the ambush planning scene is and the results of if it being interrupted or not is heavily foreshadowed; though, it’s brought up only after that scene. I think it would help a little to add in a subtle hint just before interacting with Gisla, too.

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I encountered a bug during the scene where Olle is breastfeeding. If MC chooses to play peek-a-boo with Olle, this happens:

Screenshot

Screenshot_20240529-121438
Screenshot_20240529-1214381079×1302 114 KB

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That’s good advice, I’ll take a look at how I can foreshadow the sequence with Gisla earlier, and thank you for catching that mistake. Looks like a spacing issue with the variables. I appreciate you adding the screenshot.

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Alright, well instead of changing the outcome I have suggestion like later Vidal have plan to free Kjell MC can subtly influence the outcome like previously.

Depend which one is easier.

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Just found this project and had such a heckin blast reading through it. I love MC’s family and little community so much already. Your work is so fantastically immersive! My only grip (in jest) was that I was going to name my MC Freyja before realizing it was our sister’s name lol.

I wanted to ask since the description includes ‘epic fantasy,’ will there be elements of fantasy or magic? Would our character be able to learn Seiðr or some analog of it?

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I’m super excited that you made it to Iseir! Feel free to tell your friends about it, too! The more, the better!

Magic and fantasy will be part of the story, but they won’t be everywhere. When they do show up, they’re usually linked to the divine or spiritual.

I’ve been into these kinds of stories for almost 40 years, and I promise you’re in for something different. I know it’s a big claim, but stick around and see for yourself!

Thanks a lot for swinging by and leaving a message. It means a lot!

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I am trying to get through the beginning. I was fine with the baby me choices. Somewhat.

The change of POV to those rebels? Sorry, but why am I choosing his actions for him? Its him, not me, its too long of a stretch. I literally stopped reading half of it, skimming to the choice so can get further along. Waiting to get into my POV didnt take this long in past did it? I dont recall, very immersion breaking when stuck in 3rd person so long.

Got to end. Yep. Gotta ask if its supposed to be 3rd PoV or not now. I kept skip reading, lost interest or care about lot of the story honestly.

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Thank you for your feedback. I’m sorry to hear that the change in POV didn’t work for you. I understand that some aspects of the story might not appeal to everyone. Your input is valuable, and I’ll take it into consideration for future updates. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

But, if you have a suggestion for presenting this scene without the change in POV, I’d be grateful to hear it.

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There are too many choices that isnt mine. Maybe two max, then I disassociate from story after third.

If they affect my own way of doing things. I’d prefer it in my own situations than others viewpoints.

Let dad tell me or mom, once old enough to know I might recall it?

Plus, it’s a story being told to parents as the MC is a baby/toddler. Chances are significantly high that it won’t be remembered. Most don’t, but very few out there will. There are even few out there remembering violence that didn’t happen, too, because it was done to her kids, not her. Active memory reconstruction is a thing too.

It’s very sketchy how to skill/level a person when not aging. I would consider having them go through stages of their own life with choices/consequences as more effective approach.

Edit: I already know I gotta be against the Empire. They dont like wlw. Which means its an autojoin rebel side, no matter what. Unless they stop being dicks about it in future. As i wont marry men. Other choice is suicide.

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Thank you for your feedback. I understand your concern about the third-person POV focusing on the MC, as it differs from the typical second-person POV common in interactive fiction. The third-person limited perspective is used because the story is recorded/recounted by an outside entity, as explained in the opening. This approach may not resonate with everyone familiar with the genre.

The story has an ensemble cast, and these subplots are crucial to the narrative. Consequently, there will be occasional changes in POV. However, all the choices presented impact the MC’s trajectory and story. Everything ties back into their world and interactions within it. My goal with the third-person POV and occasional POV changes is to show that the MC is part of a broader story and that their actions affect themselves, other characters, and their world.

As far as your comment below:

I believe I understand what you are saying here. Correct me if I’m wrong. Yes, the MC is an infant, and if strictly adhering to realism, you’re right that they wouldn’t likely remember a story told in their presence about an ambush. But you did finish the ‘baby fight’ scene, and I feel that is an even greater suspension of disbelief scene honestly that was included because I thought it was a fun way to introduce Bran as an antagonistic character and create something a bit new again and perhaps get a little chuckle.

Regarding your concern about skill/level progression without aging: If I understand correctly, you suggest presenting the MC’s various life stages and letting their choices guide their growth. While the ambush deviates from focusing solely on the MC, the overall story does follow this approach, with choices and consequences guiding the MC’s development.

Thank you for expressing your concerns. I wish I could write something universally loved, but I know that’s not realistic, especially when trying something different from the typical genre conventions.

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Star Rail. It swaps PoVs. Choices mostly are questions the person asks, not real choices. I skip thru without reading most of it.

The one I mentioned before redoing had 3rd PoVs. I could skip thru them too. Yep, i ignored lots of stories. Wish I hadn’t bought.

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A couple of things I found in the fight for the sucker. Have these been seen, yet?

Screenshot_20240603-033214_Samsung Internet
Screenshot_20240603-033214_Samsung Internet1080×1245 215 KB

This variable isn’t doing what it is supposed to.

Screenshot_20240603-033346_Samsung Internet
Screenshot_20240603-033346_Samsung Internet1080×1299 221 KB

As for this… Something seems off here. :rofl:

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:rofl: Yeah, that’s not right! Thanks for the heads up! I’ll add those to my bug-squashing list. I appreciate you letting me know.

How’d you clone yourself? :rofl:

And, it looks like I missed the curly brackets on the multi- replace. Doh!

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can i defeat bran?

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Yes, but she still get the candy at the end, though the group will be less down. Winning prevents the babies from getting depressed, so it’s nice :smile:

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Winning also lets you pick an additional stat to boost.

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So, this is amazing. I loved it, and was left kinda like staring and cheated-feeling when the demo ended, like a petulant child I wanted to stamp my foot and demand more lol. Excellent writing, great crafting of atmosphere and the world we live in. Very masterful and realized work. Some initial thoughts

-I love that on the initial page, you encouraged us to “enjoy your story.” Not the story, but ours. I just thought it was a nice touch!

-um, I love Myers Briggs and loved that you incorporated it. Awesome.

-I think one of the transition buttons was “On Lollipops and Power,” and that’s just excellent and that’s all I’ll hear about it.

-you did an amazing job making the world of infants interesting and engaging and still adorable even. Never thought I could get so invested in the emotional journeys of children not yet old enough to be toddlers!

-forgive me for saying this because goodness knows I have never written a game and also I don’t know like how the game will end up being paced, but do you think the infancy lasts a little… long? Like the entire demo I played was as a baby. And then as an omniscient narrator who still somehow affected the action of the story. I loved all the scenes, but I honestly think some time jumps are needed. I never thought I could get this invested in a baby character, but I still think I can only get so invested, you know?

-like, I was thinking maybe after Arlan is conscripted into the army, maybe then a time jump and just a summary of the ambush’s results? Just a thought, respectfully meant. Once again, please know that I have no idea what I am talking about.

-the ambush itself is… long. Lots of almost getting caught. For me it stretches the tension almost to the point of being a bit silly.

But I mean it’s wonderful. I was delighted like every page. It’s an amazing story, and I am waiting with bated breath for more. You are incredibly talented. I hope nothing I said seemed rude because none of it was meant that way!

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Wow! I truly value your thoughtful and encouraging feedback. It’s incredibly motivating to know that others are enjoying my work, and it fuels my passion to continue writing, even after a long day at my day job. I can’t thank you enough for your kind words.

The story’s pacing so far needs to be tightened up 100%. It is tricky with the first chapter because of all the typical reasons, like introducing the setting, creating the MC, etc. But, the problem is compounded by including an ensemble cast, each of which I have outlined story arcs for. Some of the scenes included in this first chapter introduce those secondary arcs. Still, there is undoubtedly an opportunity to condense some of these scenes and create some scenes that pull double-duty, introducing subplots and providing an opportunity to increase stats or relationships, etc.

As far as the ambush scene, summarizing the actions of the rebels was my original plan with it, relying solely on the outcome of the MC and Gisla’s scene to determine the result, which still does influence the outcome of the ambush to a large degree, but then thought by building out the scene to be more interactive and further allowing the readers to influence the outcome, and introduce the character of Vidar, the young rebel leader, I could kill two birds so to speak. Although I agree that the scene needs some serious cutting, which shouldn’t be too tricky as several ‘flavor’ text passages only serve to further the immersion in the scene, which could easily be removed without sacrificing the scene’s tone.

Your feedback is invaluable to me, and I’m grateful for your thoughtful comments. I’ll be revising the scenes in the story, likely after I address a few stat screen items I’ve been putting off. I’m thrilled that you’re enjoying your story so far, and I look forward to sharing the revised version with you.

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I’m afraid I don’t have much constructive feedback to give, but I’d like to say that I was absolutely enthralled by this demo and cannot wait to see more. Your writing is spectacular!

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No worries! Kind words are also greatly appreciated. Thanks so much. I’m so glad you are enjoying the story.

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