So I’ve played the demo and I’ve noticed that it seems somewhat… (for lack of a better word) rushed? Of course this may very well be because it’s in it’s very early stages but I figured I’d point out some of the things that bother me:
The structure of things feels more than a bit cramped and clumped together, rather than letting what should be separate sentences and sections have breathing room, like this paragraph for example:
The areas circled in red (which if you’ll notice is comprised of the "and"s that are sprinkled liberally throughout here (and frequently throughout other parts of the game)) are places where breathing room could be achieved by adding periods and thus creating separate sentences (since the "and"s seem to mostly be there to bridge between two different subjects (and rather ineffectively I might add)). You’ll also notice that I’ve highlighted bits of the paragraph here (and in some following pictures as well) in yellow, in this case here, it’s to show that you’ve repeated what you already expressed earlier (“who shouts out” etc.) in the same sentence (“she shouts out” etc.), following the rule of “less is usually more” in writing, reiterating here only gunks down on things (though I’m more than sure this was simply an oversight). Also the sentence beginning “Hi Jamie” etc. need not be separated from the words “She makes a sign at him” since the action that Helen does (signing at Jamie) occurs (in my mind’s eye at least) within 3 seconds of her talking to Jamie, whereas Jamie groaning is a separate subject and should be separated into another sentence. Basically it would be more effective structured like so:
Again, in this case, the “and” could easily be replaced with a period and the following structure tweaked slightly so as to make it flow better.
Also in the beginning, you have 3/4 sentences in the first paragraph beginning with the word “You”. It’s generally a good idea to vary the beginnings of your sentences as much as possible (improving readability and flow) and can easily be tweaked by simply switching sentence structure, for example instead of “You get up and climb out of bed etc.”, “Getting up, you climb out of bed etc.”. Also, “You are” can be compressed to “You’re” though that’s just a minor nitpick.
Color me denser than a black hole, but what exactly did you mean by what I’ve highlighted here in this image? Because I’m lost.
Finally, on the second page, with the input text area, you may want to elaborate more on what you want a person to enter into it since I had to take a several seconds to process exactly what that input text box was for, only to eventually understand on the page following that it was for us to enter our last name.
And yes, in case anyone was wondering, I did name my character Bobo, after this.