I’ll be sure to give you some more detailed feedback later in the week, but I just HAD to stop and say thank you for calling it a Katana, not a “Ninja Sword” or “Samurai Sword” ^^
a couple of things
- direwolfs are creatures in dragons dogma who im pretty sure they have grey fur
- if do still call them direwolfs call them wolf for short not dire( it sounds wierd I think)
- I don’t think I should have so many choices when fighting with magic
this is constructive critzizm don’t mistake it for hate. 
@TheCourier
Dire Wolves* are a fantasy creature that appear in a lot of things, they’re like Orcs or Goblins or Elves, there’s no right or wrong way to portray them.
Honestly, I haven’t played through it yet, but I’ve seen enough to know I’m quite disappointed. I had extreme misgivings about this project from the getgo since it reeked of being a biiit too close to Creed and Dishonored, but I was willing to overlook it. Now that I’ve played through the initial build, I know I should’ve gone with my first instinct.
To start with, this feels a lot like @revanrulesrussia 's prior game, and it has a lot of the same flaws. We’ve got this bit of intro text about the Assassin Broth-err, Order, about how you’re one of them, and about the potential choices… and then ZOMG random morons try to attack you! Who knows why? Who even notes why? There’s no indication what they are, what capacity this is in, or anything. There’s no build up, there’s no establishment, there’s no feeling of ownership at this point. So this just fell utterly flat, and I have to say it’s rather emblematic of what I’ve seen here.
Let’s break this down multiple ways, shall we? The way the scene is framed- and in particular the way the player character reacts- make this look a lot more like a homicidal aristocrat is using his position to kill people arbitrarily for an alleged slight, not unlike the crazed Gascon Cadets from Cyrano. This is wrong on two levels: A: I’m n ot sure you were looking to set that up as that, with the Assassins being a sort of open secret/publically known elite with shuch an attitude. More importantly B: it’s ramrodding the player character into an action, and a mindset that they have absolutely no input in and yet is vastly more important than “Mkay, how are you going to kill these dudes?”
What if you actually want to try and be the nice guy, who tries to resolve things peacefully but is not someone to be effed with? Sorry, no chance to even say “look, guys, can we work this out?” What about the technical pacifist, who beats them up but spares their lives? What about the clever tactician, who uses his smoke bomb to get out of the kill zone and then elegantly cleaves them down, one by one?
Sorry, nope. Instead, we have a crude “Pick your tool.” To what end? Heck if I know. There are no stats beyond the morality meter up there, so it just seems random. A game of “ok, which death scene do you want for them?” I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make me care about the choice. It doesn’t make us wonder more about the game.
This actually continues at several points, and this isn’t helped by very imperfect prose. Like when we’re introduced to the Shadows:
"The Shadows arrive barely 12 feet away. No not shadows that appear when the light hit’s a certain angle at a certain height. No, deadly, crafty, and silent creatures. "
Ok, why are the "No"s even there? They don’t do anything but take up time and frankly reduce the value of the sentence as a whole. It’s like breaking the fourth wall, but since there’s zero indication that that’ll be a theme what use is that?
Secondly, why is it so sparse? Why is there a lack of description, or of literary buildup? You say (almost literally) they’re “deadly, crafty, and silent creatures”, but what about *showing* that they are rather than merely telling us?
Say “The Shadows arrive barely 12 feet away; deadly, crafty, and silent creatures of the *Insertappropriatetermhere* whose viscous efficiency is belied by their common name… They stand around you, barring you from the stairs. Funny how nobody seems to want you up there…” Ok, it’s not my best work, but you see what I mean? Or better yet, disperse with the telling altogether and just *describe* what they’re like and what they are.
I’m guessing Shadows are going to be a relatively important part of the game’s mythos and background; so it’s incumbent upon you to make the player appreciate them and have a sense of what they are right from the get go.
Then we have a whole bunch of choices thrown at us again, none of which really make sense IMHO. I mean, look at these:
“Umm…uh heh…uh heh…umm…him back there.”
“Your new master, now take care of that mess over there, Jimmy boy.”
“I do. Now if you will, I require your service, great Aroshunza.”
Inferno Devourer (Summoning)
“Umm…uh heh…uh heh…umm…him back there.”
“Your new master, now take care of that mess over there, Jimmy boy.”
“I do. Now if you will, I require your service, great Aroshunza.”
Ok, anybody care to guess what these choices entail, or what effects they would have on the character, the scene, or the stats? Well, neither can I. The closest I can get to is “Inferno Devourer” which is some sort of “Summoning” and even that is by no means clear. (How is this summoning carried out? What does it entail? Where is it coming from? Where will it go? So many questions oh my braiiin). Beyond that it just gets odd.
What the heck is the first/second choice supposed to be? How is Hmming and Hawing going to help deal with these supernatural critters? Are you pointing behind you to try and convince them to go on a wild goose chase? Are you going to back away? What? It reads me of a failure to beta to make sure the meaning is clear.
The “New Master/Jimmy Boy” thing is just odd. Are you telling me that you’re trying topersuade one of these buggers to come over to yours side, and then sic it on the others? Are you calling for your own pet Shadow from behind? What is going on? On top of that, it’s not that well written. I’d need clarification on what it is, but offhand a correction might be “I am your new master. Now take care of that mess, Jimmy Boy.” Underwhelming, perhaps, but grammatically correct at least. I can appreciate naming/addressing something that can be mistaken for hellspawn “Jimmy Boy”, but unless it’s done well and clearly it’s going to be very odd looking as a choice.
Finally, we have “Great Aroshunza.” What makes Great Aroshunza great? Why should we care? What will he/she/it do for us? Will this cost anything? What does this have to do with being an Assassin of the Assassin Order? Are you choosing to *name* your pet shadow “Aroshunza” or “Jimmy Boy”? Are you naming the *enemy’s* shadow Aroshunza or Jimmy Boy?
Nobody knows yet, because the buildup and exposition to this scene could fill a thimble and still have enough room for you and I. Rather than explain this world that the characters live in or what happens, we’re just left with the idea that “You” are a pretty cool guy, fights shadows eh thugs and isn’t afraid of anything…for some reason that may or may not have to do with the “Assassin Order.”
That is a poor substitute for proper storytelling, I have to say.
Really, this game feels like it dwells far more on the specifics than is healthy and does so at the expense of character choice and plot. This might just be me, but if I wanted to mindlessly kill a few people/things, i know where I’d go and it wouldn’t be to this game. It feels more like it’s adopting the superficial trappings of AC and Dishonored and all the others without looking beyond the stabby spelly goodness into what *else* made those games compelling, and that does not bode well in my eyes.
So I have to say this, but how much research have you done for this? There were a number of things that struck me as riding on the “Rule of Cool” to a degree that damaged my ability to engage or appreciate the game.
The conventional understanding of an assassin is not to get into a bunch of fights meaninglessly and unnecessarily; if anything I’d wager most would seek to get into as *Few* as possible. Now, more power to the game if it allows you to stab your way through the hordes of guards to do whatever, but can we at least acknowledge that often times a quiet dagger to a single back- or even poison- can be as useful as a bloody street fight that lasts for hours?
@Arcania @WolfieGrey Continued:
For instance: why does this PC use a “Katana” of all things? What use would it possibly have? Why is it grouped in with *throwing stars*- two entirely different weapon *types8 with entirely different purposes and uses- for the love of god? Do you know what a Katana is used for, or its’ strengths/weaknesses? Where is this game taking place?
I’m sorry if that came across as rude, but it definitely strikes my mind. Because it’s not a generic “kool sword” like a lot of people believe. It’s something that you’d have to study and learn, it’s not a blanket term for every sword, or even every Japanese sword. It has no special connotations or powers just because of the type, and it’s got a vastly different set of uses from-say- even the Wakizashi or even the Tachi. And that’s before we get into non-Japanese swords.
Really, the Katana has an extremely overblown profile, and the use of it by a supposed assassin makes me raise my eyebrows. Not the least of which because it’s relatively awkward to handle, attracts attention and would stand out even in its’ native environment- mid/late feudal Japan- for the apparent benefit of…what? Looking kool? Maaaybe being able to use a disguise that would require the swords to look normal (big if)? Having another weapon (which could probably be outperformed by other swords depending on how you’re using it)?
I’ll help however I can, but as things stand this doesn’t look very promising. So can you please tell me where you want to go with this?
Thanks for the feedback. I’m sure @Arcania will appreciate it. That brings me to my next point:
I just coded the demo. Admittedly I made a few mistakes in the code. These will be fixed tonight. All the typos, story arc, etc, is Arcanias business.
Just a side note: I’m pretty sure dire wolves were an ancient breed of wolf around the time of the similadons
don’t feel down i am pretty sure everyone here got comments of how their work is disappointing but they took benefit of it and are prob much better now… well it happened to me (not in choice of games) but i took benefit … i am better but not awesome yet 
I entered a contest and came in dead last and had tons of things I need to improve on, when I thought I put in 120% but I took criticism and actually improved even though it stung a bit and I felt a bit embarrassed. Dont worry everyone is human and makes mistakes.
@Turtler I truly understand…somewhat…abit of what you mean. Sadly I have not gotten the chance to play dishonored and wouldn’t know what kind of mixed they have done with assassins nor played any other cog game with this sort of theme so I wouldn’t know as I stated earlier I am already disappointed at my lack of skills, but that’s besides the point
This demo was simply to give a touch through each of the weapons, and skills from the mystic abilities of the assassins. As the actual story begins you’ll understand just what was happening. And then you’ll actually begin your actual assassination.
but I must say I am grateful for both the compliments and criticism and couldn’t have gotten even pass the demo without the help of all of you and especially those who helped via private chat (You guys know who you are 
much appreciated) And
I will use this to tune into the game and make it a more constructive sort of assassin-sorcerer mix.
@WoflieGrey Understood. Still, typos aside I’d say we’re looking at more underlying issues with the structure.
@Arania Well, I’ll try and clarify however I can. Really, the main issue isn’t knowing about any other CoG games; I’d say it’s more structural and knowledge based. I’d suggest learning more about real life assassinations and their strategies.
The idea that the demo was simply to give a touch through each of the weapons in particular makes me worry (similar but less so with the mystic abilities). The truth of the matter is that one part of an experienced assassin’s skill is to know when less is more, and when to improvise. You can kill people with a door just as you can with the infinity plus nine katana, and one of the main gifts an even remotely conventional assassin would have- superpowers or not- is the ability to adapt to the situation, and adapt what s/he finds to do the same.
I feel that by focusing on the weapons or powers alone, you’re leaving curious game watchers clueless about the wider context of the game, and even worse: possibly driving them away by focusing it more on “Kay, what death animation do you want?” than on alternative choices.
Note: I have absolutely no problem with a big Rah-Rah Smash Dem approach. I should know, because I probably massacred the entire Pazzi and Borgia house armies, killed more Redcoats than French or Patriot muskets did, and cut my way through the City Watch to the Lord Regent. But I feel that doing it at the expense of everything else and of the plot and characters is not the way to go.
I appreciate you for hearing me out; if there’s any way I can clarify to fix the "Somewhat’, I’d much appreciate it.
Your assuming that’s what the game is about. this isn’t Assassins Creed, and this isn’t real life assassination. If I remember correctly I don’t remember JFK being killed with a whip that can be set on fire at mere will ^_^, besides that…if you read my post before, I stated that this is to give an insight on some of the assassins array of weapons and arcane abilities. What to have and not to have in the actual game.
And please note this is set in a fictional theme. Your not going to find America, or the french in here ^_^. As for killing people with a door…and other things, Not my type of storyline sorry. And another thing to note. An assassin by definition is a murder usually of political figures and for use of money. Which as I said will be appearing in the actual story. Anything else?
But you do have a point on that, I’ll see about shifting the demo as the introduction in game. And a demo as an actual assassination and ways of assassination. My thanks for your very, very, very, and might I add, VERY long and through critic.
“Your assuming that’s what the game is about. this isn’t Assassins Creed, and this isn’t real life assassination.”
So many problems h ere…
A: First and foremost, that is “You ARE” or “You’re”, not your.
B: Yes, I am assuming what the game is about. That’s what *demos* are about. I played the demo you put out, and I am drawing off of my (admittedly imperfect and limited) knowledge about it.
So if you’re angry about that, don’t take it out on me. Take it out on *your demo.*
“If I remember correctly I don’t remember JFK being killed with a whip that can be set on fire at mere will ^_^,”
A: That matters not a goddamn, and cute kawaii emoticons don’t make it. It doesn’t matter what tools you’re using or what abilities or powers you have/have to deal with.
B: Again, you’re focusing too much on the *tool*, even if it was an attempt at a witty comeback. JFK was murdered by a sniper rifle because he was targeted by a Communist sympathizer with a military background (that’s A, the Assassin and their capabilities/limitations), he was in an open air convoy going through Dallas tightly watched enough to make something like going up and stabbing him unlikely to succeed (that’s B, the target and situation), and there were a number of vacated buildings along the route with a clear viewpoint (that’s C, possible vantage points/jumping off areas). Finally, taking into about A, B, and C, one had to figure out- even if subconsciously- what the best potential tools and methods were to do that. In this case: D, the chosen tool of assassination, a Mannlicher-Carcano sniper rifle (which could be used to target JFK at a safe distance, using the natural high ground left unguarded to put a bullet into him over the natural cover of an open air car).
Now, let me assure you of this: if the technology had allowed it and the situation (and assassin skillset) favored it, JFK *would* have been killed (or at least attempted to be killed)with a whip that can be set on fire with a wish. So that’s not important.
The important thing is the methodology, the evaluation, and the limitations and uses of the assassin player character and the tools at their disposal. So can you please divulge to me just *one* scenario- Just one!- from your planned game where this sort of plotting and organization would be made obsolete just because of the technology the “Assassin Order” has at their disposal?
“besides that…if you read my post before, I stated that this is to give an insight on some of the assassins array of weapons and arcane abilities. What to have and not to have in the actual game.”
That could be done at least as well by spitting it out on this thread in a list. If anything, I imagine it might’ve even worked out *better* since as it is organized now the demo most certainly does not give insight about plenty of the things it is supposed to do (again, good luck making heads or tails of the shadow scene without outside knowledge).
“And please note this is set in a fictional theme. Your not going to find America, or the french in here ^_^.”
Well, that doesn’t clear up much. I *got* that it was a fictional theme the minute I saw a whip that can be set alight with will, and vaguely described “Shadow” monsters. But that doesn’t help. You’re going to have to be a biiiit clearer: what kind of fictional theme are we talking about? Are we discussing a modern, Steam/Diesel/Magipunk world of something like the 1950’s? Are we talking about a vague late Victorian era? Are we dealing with the Renaissance or Medieval era? Classical Antiquity? Are we in a globalized world, or are we in a certain location? What is that location’s culture, traditions, etc?
Knowing that it is a fictional theme in and of itself doesn’t do jack for us. There’s so much you can cram into the worlds of fiction that it doesn’t meaningfully narrow down the list of potential settings beyond “it’s not the real world.”
“As for killing people with a door…and other things, Not my type of storyline sorry.”
Again, I feel like you’re missing the point, perhaps willingly. The real issue is not that you’re going to beat someone to death with a door. It’s that you *could.* Or more accurately, that you’re not dependent on the weapons or powers your demo was supposed to showcase when you can still take a regular household item- like arsenic- and mix it into the guy’s drink, or just throw them off the balcony, or even just *kill them with your hands* in any myriad amount of ways.
You have to think outside the box when making a game like this, because you can be damn well sure that plenty of people are going to be looking for it, and god forbid they will crack down on you if they smell something off.
“And another thing to note. An assassin by definition is a murder usually of political figures and for use of money. Which as I said will be appearing in the actual story. Anything else?”
Honestly- and it might not be your intention but I can’t change my gut reaction- I feel like I’m being trolled here, and I don’t appreciate it.
The definition you’re using for assassin, and by no means a universally accepted one. Which is especially galling if you’re aiming at writing a game centered around, well… assassins and assassination.
To give you an example since you used since you mentioned JFK, not only would Lee Harvey Oswald *not* be definable as an assassin under those terms, neither would any of the famous US presidential assassins. The only possible exception might be Garfield’s killer, and that would rely on an extremely flimsy interpretation (whereupon mentally disturbed person who was probably never even considered believes he was passed up from a “promised” job position in exchange for his support, and commits murder because he believes it will get him this position and the money that accompanies it). Assassins and assassinations have worked their way on any number of situations, and for any number of motives, amongst which money is just one of the many motivators.
This is important, because even if your Assassin Order is a sort of “Murder for Hire” guild, not only have you said the player will choose their way through, bu there are probably people outside of the Guild who do not share its’ ethics but who could/would nevertheless be defined as assassins.
"But you do have a point on that, I’ll see about shifting the demo as the introduction in game. And a demo as an actual assassination and ways of assassination. My thanks for your very, very, very, and might I add, VERY long and through critic. "
I understand, and I’m glad you appreciate all this. I just want to say thank you for all the time, effort, and patience you’ve already invested into this endeavor. My apologies for the walls of text, and as always I look forward to seeing it. If there’s any way I can help, don’t hesitate.
The direwolves being purple kind of throws me, it’s just a weird juxtaposition between using a real but extinct animal and a color one would doubt they would come in. It’s kind of like if Jurassic Park had a neon pink T-Rex.
I’d recommend either changing the color to something less startling, or not actually calling them dire wolves, but describing them with something like “the huge wolf like creatures known as wolfen” or whatever.
Now the katana is rather overused but considering the heavy magic connotations from what I've seen in the game, I'd suggest the equally steeped in mythology kris. there are legends of the kris having all elements in its construction, or being forged in such a manner as to make them poisonous, or moving under their own volition, among other things.
Also when you choose katana or shuriken and choose long range combat you get throwing daggers instead, so I’d suggest labeling the choice sword or throwing daggers.
Or just have them be two different choices anyway.
What’s up with the double choices anyway? I can’t tell if it’s an error or what when it does that.
The double choices are an error on my part. I mean to fix that soon. Oh and T-Rex probably had feathers, an as such, it’s entirely feasible that it had neon pink feathers.
Edit: Fixed the error in which the choice appears twice on the same page. If there are any others, please let me know.
I’m well aware that dinosaurs had feathers, but that doesn’t mean that the odds are in favor of T-Rexes looking like giant flamingos.
Nobody knows. They could of even been rainbow.
@Arcania After playing your demo, I kind of have to agree with @Turtler here to be honest. I know, since you have repeatedly stated that this is just to show weapons and all that, but I would have appreciated a bit more background into what your job was, what all these things are, an introduction to the world, and so on. I’m not asking for full details at this point, but general stuff to know is good.
The stealth thing that Turtler mentioned is one thing that I would like to emphasize as well. When I see assassins, I would imagine someone who would do things quickly, stealthy, and quietly. Not exactly someone who would summon, I’m guessing, ten meters tall since that would certainly attract much unneeded attention. If you want an example of what I mean, I recommend watching a gameplay of Hitman: Absolution. Sure, the guy blows up a car every now and then, but most of his kills are stealthy, and he makes sure that none of it traces back to him, even if it is a modernized version of assassination unlike Assassin’s Creed. I also doubt the fact that you would have friends joining you for a kill, since it would kind of give you away if too many people are involved and being alone with give you that much more stealth.
I have to say, the whole thing kind of rubs me off as a typical wandering swordsman-esque game, for a lack of a better word, with all the big magic and swords and teammates and stuff. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Not sure if anyone else feels this way.
Also, just another thing that I want to add is that, with the inclusion of the Japanese sounding names (emphasis on ‘sounding’ here) as well as the Japanese weapon choices makes me think more of ninjas. Okay, I know they are assassins too, but I’m just saying, since not all assassins are ninjas. But hey, if you intended it to turn ninja-esque, be my guest, it is your game, after all.
I’ll add in more later, I kind of lost my points a bit after a while xD
Edit: Oh right, positive point! I like the amount of description that you add in there, although some still needs some work because they’re rather confusing at times, as well as some grammar and typos here and there, but there’s nothing too glaring, and the detail that you put in is great! Keep it up!
Although, there’s something that I have to point out. I’m kind of confused about this description in the last page of the demo. The paragraph is as follows:
‘“In distant ages when the Divine heart of Umbra yet stood whole. A lone hero harnessed their power so that he might vanquish the five guardians of the five realms.” Suddenly a figure appears before you. Silver as if a spirit it’s features hidden from you. In the form of a being of Light and shadows.’
Er… I don’t really see the connection between the ‘silver’ and the ‘spirit’ which would hide its features from me. And… Light and shadows are kinda… Contradicting, aren’t they? Basically, I really don’t get your description is the whole point.
@WolfieGrey I would kind of find that unlikely, however, since the dinosaurs would need some kind of camouflage so that their prey won’t see them and all xD It may be interesting to imagine, but @stsword has a good point. Being purple for a wolf does seem unlikely in general.
As does magic in general, summoning a dragon from nowhere and everything else that happens. Purple dire wolves are completely acceptable. And who needs camouflage when your the biggest predator around? Whose footsteps shake the earth (unlikely)?
Well really what tactics an assassin would use would depend on the point.
Killing someone who is inconvenient in such a way that it could never be attributed to you, go the ninja way.
Killing someone to maker a point along the lines of "don't mess with us," that's more hashashin style: They liked to kill people in broad daylight in full public, although they did like disguises.
So the MC is of the latter "I'm here to make a point" type assassin, it's quite possible that the order of assassins he belongs to has specialists for both types of customer needs.
Possibly the magic of the assassins is fully capable of doing both, and the MC just happens to be on a "make some noise and raise a fuss" mission.
Perhaps when the mission is done the MC will remove his mask and his outer layer of clothing to reveal a perfect disguise, and just walk away like Keyser Soze.
Summoning a giant demon isn't very stealthy, true, but neither is using a bomb, and plenty of people have been assassinated with bombs.@WolfieGrey Er, making a point here that T-Rex-es won’t actually have real rainbow feathers, at least I highly doubt it. Not talking about the magic part in that point. And hey, I mean if you like the dire wolves purple, go with it, don’t let me stop you. Just saying it’s just kind of… Odd to me, in general.
@stsword Ooooh… Okay, I see your point. I don’t know, it just rubs the wrong way for me, and it still feels like it’s more wandering swordsman style rather than like an assassin’s. Just how I feel, at least.