A Tale of Phil


#1

My first game please be kind.


#2

Where is it?


#3

Ok so i have been fooling around with cs for a week or two and this is what i came up with.
Its a story set at the end of the last ice age after people moved into the british isles, where the english channel is today.
Now im no writer so be patient.

now i have the story in my head but im having trouble with, grammer, flow, ect
ok so injoy


#4

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/101514702/A%20Tale%20of%20Phil/web/A%20Tale%20of%20Phil/index.html


#5

ok lets hope this works.

oh and the female storyline is not complete so pick the male.

this is going to be alot of work, its not done yet by far, so any help will be appreciated


#6

First of all, your artwork is amazing. Consider me envious.

With that said, the rest of the game could use some work. I can tell that there’s a very well thought out story in there, but it’s a bit hard to read.

The perspective changes had me really confused until I figured out that it was actually dialogue. You may want to add quotation marks to clarify that.

You also have a tendency to switch between past and present tense. Try to stick to one or the other.

Also, you have a lot of very long blocks of text. Breaking them up by making smaller paragraphs or adding a *page_break will help the reader not lose interest.

There are a few other grammar and spelling issues (you want “gait”, not “gate” on the first page), but fixing the things I mentioned will take a huge step towards making this a really good game.

I hope to see more of it. :slight_smile:


#7

Thank you for the complement, all 13 drawings took less time than getting the code

I will get right on those corrections.


#8

MAybe my mind is just friend, but it was hard(ish) to follow and read. Ill try again at a later time.


#9

I added a bunch of *page breaks.

So how can i make it easyer to read ?
is it the begining with the story teller or is it just all togeather hard to read.
maybe better if i put dialogue and discriptive text on different lines, or is it too discriptive.
I use “you” alot do you think I should change that to “I”


#10

I noticed that you forgot this symbol right here " " alot when people were talking.


#11

yeah i am in the process of adding quotations, commas, capitals like crazy.

im an artist not a writer and its showing, what if i made drawings with speech bubbles
like a choice of comic book?.


#12

Fantastic idea! I think an interactive comic would definitely suit your talents much better. :slight_smile:

I’m sure a lot of people would be interested in seeing something like that done in ChoiceScript.


#13

Yeah the idea spoke to me, but ive done all this text work, but who knows, i might just make up a few pages, what if I incorporated both the comic and text.

But would that take away from the readers mental imagery?


#14

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/101514702/Drawings/Rude%20wake%20up.JPG

Like this prototype.


#15

@Pale_Strider The quasi-Mesolithic setting really appeals to me as I think it’s a rich era with great potential for a ChoiceScript game. Here comes the but.

Honestly, in my opinion, it’s a waste of your real talent. You clearly have some terrific, extremely creative ideas in your head, but you yet lack the ability to express yourself properly in words. In fact, I can practically feel your frustration in your writing.

Your real creative talent is art. I don’t pretend to know much about such things myself but it seems to me you’re a complete natural, and if I were in your shoes that’s how I would seek to express myself. Moreover, I see absolutely no reason why you could not, or should not, use ChoiceScript to develop interactive comics, with the reader able to make a choice every few pages, say.

After all, “a picture paints a thousand words . . .”


#16

I think an interactive comic would be great. Something new and as Vendetta said, there’s no reason why it wouldn’t work. Your art is amazing and it would be interesting to see how you would go about this.

As for the reader’s mental imagery, would a first person based outlook work?


#17

First of all thank you for the feedback.
I’m going to try it out, might as well play to my skills.
Sad though I put a lot of time into this, I did a story just because I draw so much.

But there is no CS comics so I guess I will do a mock up.
Wouldn’t hurt to take a couple of days off writing.

Oh and Vendetta you have one of the best story’s here.


#18

@Pale_Strider Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Oddly enough, I’ve always yearned to be able to draw something more than simple stick men . . . I envy you that remarkable talent.

I definitely think it’s worth pursuing the interactive comics idea, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the mock up. I’d suggest keeping the branching fairly limited to begin with, and perhaps with the initial storylines deviating just for a short while before merging again, just to test the whole concept. It might make it more linear than a typical, written ChoiceScript story, but you’re pioneering something new & exciting here so I don’t think you need to get too ambitious too early . . . It will already be unique. :wink:


#19

I’m going to follow my story, but all the discriptive text will be art, the dialogue will be in bubbles and blocks, I’m working on it right now, but Celtic knots are time consuming.

I might have a page or two done by tomorrow.
You know for the last 3 years or so I have really wanted a writer, I draw all the time, people, aliens, ships, animals.
I have a bunch of story ideas, I just can’t write, that’s probobly where the frustration in my writing comes from.
Other than this I have a space story and a fantasy, I have drawings for both just nothing written down.


#20

@Pale_Strider

You seem to have the opposite problem to me. I can write decently but can’t draw which is ironic considering I’m told often that my stories suit comics lol

This game looks interesting and your art is very stylish good luck with this project :slight_smile: