Hi there! I want to share with you, especially with those who liked the very first part of the story (despite its bad grammar and so on) the second part of the story about the Sword of the twenty-three elements. I think there are people who’d be glad to see that, perhaps, many of you have been expecting that. So, I put the entire sequel here. I just want you to enjoy that for I spent hours and hours for that and I want it to be read and played. I want to see your feedback. If there is a chance to publish the sequel it must be tested here. Enjoy!
(If you’re new to the story that’s the sequel to the game about the Sword of the Elements, published by CoG in 2014. It has bad rating for my fault with its grammar.)
Hey, I haven’t played the first game, but I would suggest you to improve grammar mistakes (through diffrent updates) of your first game. That way people will consider buying this game too.
Would love to beta test this game! In the future though, you should always have some sort of beta test in general not just for grammar checks. Beta testing is invaluable.
Well, I honestly wasn’t expecting a sequel to this game, especially since it was released quite a while ago, but I’m not complaining.
Some things I took note of:
The ending if you try to pass through the trees is abrupt and out of no where, especially since this is still part of the exposition sequence.
No prompt appears if we choose to name our MC.
It might help with improved grammar and such, but the pacing just seems off. Everything happens at a whirlwind pace and I’m left wondering what is going on, who are these people, etc.
Partly related to grammar and stuff, but some of the paragraphs need to be broken up more, as it adds to the pacing problem I mentioned above.
Not sure if it’s intentional, but I get a 404 error after meeting the council after the battle
@Dmitry i remember buying your game thinking the quality will be like choice of romance, mecha ace and some old games like the vampires or Walkers academy… i was pretty disappointed, not only for grammar issues, the game did have only useless choices and was totally linear, even choices as useless as " sit in the chair " or " dont sit in the chair " did have the same outcome, us siting in the chair even if we did choose dont sit… i did give it a read your part 2 - and it seems you did not learn from my feedback from back then, still the same linear game.
I dont want to being rude or sound like an ass… but i want to give you my own and honest opinión of what i think, what you do with it will be up to you
@anon4518890 Thanks for that! The story was conceived as a series of 5 games then I revised it into a trilogy. Yes, I agree, it’s quite linear, but I wanted to bind the two games together as linear and then make one of the longest non-linear game in the last, third part of that. I’d want to finish the trilogy, making the last part of the story non-linear. It is conceived in that way for it is based on my novels and only in the last part of that I can make something really huge, and allow freedom to players. So, I do not want to disappoint you, and I promise you, when I finish the story, you’ll be satisfied with the conclusion of it for the conclusion will be one of the biggest.
I think that if the first two volumes are too linear, most of the readers won’t stick around for the final installment to see how non-linear it is. And that’s if lots of people aren’t turned away by the grammar to begin with. Your grammar has improved by leaps and bounds since 2014, but there are still lots of errors and flow issues. I’m not saying this to be disparaging, I’m just letting you know because the markets, as you know, are savage.
I won’t have time to beta test this properly sorry (I just had a quick peek today). I’d be very wary of kicking the player out of the game for “wrong choices”, particularly only a few choices in. I didn’t want to give my name out and I got this and this was where I stopped reading:
“I’ll not allow you to go further” - you heard the same voice. - “If you do not want to name yourself then you to leave this place. Disappear from here!”
You felt an impulse that pushed you back and then you lost your consciousness. All finished.
You have chosen not right path. Try again.
If someone has to give their name, in my opinion, don’t make it an option not to or have a continuing path related to it.
Edit: and again here:
You began to go forward. Instantly you reached the enormous trunk of the tree. When you approached it an invisible power began pulling you inside. You faced the tree’s trunk and lost your breath. Then you lost your other feelings, you couldn’t see, you couldn’t hear, all was in darkness. Then you could not think, it seemed something devoured your mind. All finished.
You have chosen not right path. Try again.
I feel like l’m being funneled through the story rather than being given a choice of what I want to do. Maybe have at least some flavour text or small branches before bringing people back to the main storyline rather than dead ends? Either that or reduce the number of choices so you can take out the dead ends. I hit two within a couple of mins. You’re probably going to get people quitting if that’s how the game starts out and not giving it a chance.
You can always make little changes in the story that will not affect the main plot. You can make diffrent way of reaching a checkpoint which will again take the storey in the intended direction. And you can also give non significant characters whose dying won’t much affect your plot and give diffrent ways in which you can save them from dying and make it an achievement.
There is example of samurai of hyuga series it is also linear but also very interesting.
To be honest, the first game was more of a story than a game. Your choices didn’t really matter and, as such, the game had no replay value. However, I enjoyed the story(even though it was your ol’ “the MC is the ultimate hero who must save the world”). I don’t care much for grammar if you can make out what’s happening. My advice? Create choices worthy to be called choices which actually have an impact. Otherwise, best of luck!
Even if the plot is linear, that doesn’t mean the choices can’t be meaningful. They could still be there to let the MC go about accomplishing goals in different ways (i.e. by using charisma, strength, intelligence, etc) and you could still allow the mc to interact with different characters in ways they see fit.
For example: in my newest WIP, The Magician’s Task, the MC is being harassed by three bullies. It’s foregone that you can’t beat them, but you at least have a choice of how to react towards the leader:
1.) Punch him
2.) Run away
3.) Insult him
4.) Threaten him
5.) Try to reason with him
The overall conclusion is the same, but each choice is vastly different, giving a unique 500 words per choice and having different stats affected. This accomplishes the goal of making the reader feel like they can be the kind of MC they want to be, and it also increases replay ability, regardless of whether or not the text after the altercation is always the same.
